(no subject)
today is an absolutely beautiful day. it's bright sunny, warm enough to keep your bones from freezing and cold enough in the shadows the pinken your nose. it's lovely. global warming at its best. still though, not good enough. nothing seems to be anymore. i feel like i'm on the wrong path. things are the way i thought they were. i can't stand thinking about where i wish that i was. i've worked too damn long to feel dissatified. i hate thinking every day about ways to get out. ways to run away. i can't stand being or feeling like this anymore. i was walking home today and just couldn't help but think of ways that i could distract myself from these feelings. and yet the sky is so bright! cloudless! i'm nearly done with the first half of my third year of college. i'm coming along huh? just like i'm done with my first half of my 20th year. big fucking woot. i don't feel smarter, wiser, more learned. i don't feel better prepared to face the shadows. i don't feel better. i feel like i've, in fact, lost a lot these past months. a lot of who i am. call it growing up. call it what you will. i can't stand this little insignificant person that i am. i'm my biggest bully. i just want to get away. i was conspiring in my head a way to leave, but i can't. i'm one of those people who talks and talks and talks just so other people will know they exist. one of those types that will threaten to do something, just to see the worry. i'm despicable. so selfish. and yet, it's not about anyone else or myself. it's just not about it. i don't know how to explain. i don't know anything. i'm stuck. i have nothing to comfort my sadness. my best friend and boyfriend is not really there. i don't even know what to say to pull him back to me. i don't know what to do. without him i'm completely alone. i know i did awful things, and i'm trying to sing some sort of redemption song. i can't keep feeling this way. i need someone, something. i need my life to go back to when i liked myself. when i was confident. and felt like maybe i was important, had something to say. i have nothing, well, except for my sadness. make it stop. please.