The Five Loves of Sarah O’Brien
Title: The Five Loves of Sarah O’Brien
Fandom: Downton Abbey
Rating|Genre: pg | femslash, angst
Characters|Pairing: Sarah O’Brien, original characters, Cora, mentions Thomas and others | Sarah/ofc, Sarah/Cora
Summary: Five people Sara O'Brien loved in life who did not love her back. One that did love her and she never knew.
Word count: 2 440
Spoilers|Warnings: No | Character death
Notes: Written for a prompt in the Downton Abbey Kink Meme.
The first person Sarah loved was her father. The love was unrequited, for he loved nothing and no one but the bottle most of the time, but she did love him all the same.
Occasionally, he was sober. When he was sober, he came home to his wife and children, and he loved her, oh, how he loved her, his wife. They could all see it in his eyes - deep, sad, hoping for forgiveness but never begging for it - when he looked at the woman he married when they both were young. Half a long life later, ten pregnancies and seven children later, Sarah’s parents looked old and worn out.
But those days when Mr. O’Brien was sober, he told stories, sad fairytales, sang old songs… And although he was a good-for-nothing drunkard who often yelled at his family and threw a punch at them, there was something in his voice when he told his stories that made Sarah think she saw something in him, something that despite everything made her love him.
He rarely spoke to her, he didn’t even look at her kindly as far as she could remember, but he was her father after all.
He died when she was five years old, and then there was very little music left in Sarah’s life.
***
The second person Sarah loved came from the circus.
At first she thought it was a boy because of the clothes and the hairstyle - it was short! But Max was a girl who took care of the horses and did other things at the circus. Sarah admired the girl’s ability to climb all the highest fences and balance on top of anything. Max could juggle with big knives and knew how to speak with elephants and snakes.
Max promised Sarah a new life with the circus - so much more exciting than her dark, crowded home! - but explained that she needed the proper tattoo first.
Max showed Sarah hers, on her arm; a symbol that she said was Chinese. All it took was a small payment to the tattoo artist.
“Thanks”, Max said to Sarah right before the show started. “Come back tomorrow afternoon; then he’ll be free for you.”
Sarah couldn’t sleep that night. But later she wished that she had slept and that it all had been a dream, for the circus was gone the next day, and so was the magic and Max and all the money she had saved doing small jobs the last couple of years.
***
In Sarah’s school, everybody lived by the law of the jungle even though they were in the middle of the city. The teachers, by the law of nature, were on top, respected and feared. Never in a million years would she have believed that she could love one of those grownups.
But then, when she began her last school year, there was a lady teaching the kids who was not like the others. She was a vision of beauty, tall, blonde and blue-eyed, and she was like an iceberg, or so Sarah imagined. She wasn’t evil or mean, it was just in her nature to be hard and cold and yet there was something in her eyes that was burning Sarah when she looked at her.
It was too late for Sarah to become a bookworm or one of them Nice Girls but suddenly she excelled at everything she did in school.
Her teacher never praised her for anything that she did but disapproved of everything that was less than perfect. Sarah thought that if she tried harder, the lady would smile at her, at least once. Sarah carried bags and books, she beat up anyone who dared say a word against the strict teacher, and she did her best to look as neat and proper as she could.
Then, she began to be silently mischievous and rebellious; whispering, writing notes in class, even causing discord among her classmates. All in the hope of being noticed, in one way or the other.
Once, she got into a fight that was a little too serious than what was considered normal, and she got punished with detention. She endured her punishment with secret joy; she wrote her essay on some dull passage in a moral-filled Christian book and watched the teacher who read a paper behind the desk in front of her. The time passed in absolute silence.
Then, when it was time to leave, she humiliated herself by tripping and falling - on purpose.
The school year was almost over, and lately it had been clear to her that she needed to be touched by those elegant, exquisite, strong hands at least once in her life. She would live long on it, she thought. She could already almost imagine what it would feel like, but almost wasn’t good enough. She needed a touch to add something real to her fantasies and make them perfect.
But the merciless woman didn’t help her up. She just waited, and Sarah soon felt stupid laying sprawled out on the floor like that, and got up to her feet on her own.
“I never knew you were so clumsy”, was the only comment, and Sarah’s cheeks burned.
“Sorry, Miss”, she mumbled. “I didn’t mean to…”
“No, I’m sure you didn’t.”
There was a smirk on the beautiful face; not a smile - there was little or no affection - but at least a reaction, and a spark in the ice-blue eyes. Those eyes held her captive for what seemed like an eternity; they seemed to see right through her and it went on for far too long, but she didn’t want it to stop.
“You have been causing trouble”, said the lady at last. “These childish antics need to stop. I am almost thinking you need a thorough spanking.” She lowered her voice and her next words were a lethal purr: “You would like that, wouldn’t you?”
Sarah’s cheeks burned even deeper and she couldn’t find air to breathe, much less to speak.
“But of course you are too old for that, aren’t you?” the teacher said dismissively after another long silence. “Next time, I will send you to the headmaster’s office.”
The headmaster had, like every other teacher, a hard ruler that he liked to see dancing over bad children’s fingers, but he could also expel people, and that was something that could not happen.
The school ended soon after the incident; the incident that despite making Sarah hot with embarrassment when she thought about it still took on different shapes in her fantasy. Sometimes, she imagined that she would have been bold enough to answer: ‘Yes, Miss, I would’, and it would have been the right thing to say and one thing would have led to another… In the other fantasy, it was the lady who fell and Sarah helped her up and they walked together from the school, talking and smiling, and the beautiful lady would know that there was nothing in the world that Sarah wouldn’t do for her…
But in reality, Sarah never saw her again after the last day in school.
***
The fourth person Sarah loved was a nurse at the hospital Sarah was taken to after an accident in the kitchen.
A clumsy scullery maid had tripped over something an unbelievably careless person had left on the floor, and hot water splashed over Sarah’s legs.
It was Sarah’s first position as a lady’s maid. The lady was middle-aged, disabled - she had trouble walking, and one reason why Sarah had gotten the position was that she was strong - and not unkind. Sarah wanted to make a good first impression and show what she was capable of - and now she couldn’t! What if she got terrible burns? What if her legs were hurt?
It turned out not to be that bad. Best of all was the nurse. Her hands were so soft and her voice was so gentle and her whole presence was soothing and sweet.
Sarah thought that she could spend the rest of her life watching that delicious young creature. She was like a little fairy, and angel - Sarah wasn’t given to romantic exaggerations, but being a little poetic wasn’t uncalled for in this case, she decided.
The girl was very nice, very kind, and it felt strange to Sarah - like the beginning of friendship? She didn’t have many friends and focused on other things; she found most people daft and uninteresting anyway, full of mindless chatter and dull, common ideas. This girl was different, very different.
Then, when she was released from the hospital, she was going to suggest exchanging addresses in the hope of getting letters and that would hopefully be the beginning of something new, something good…
Sarah was on her way to find her, going through the lobby of the hospital, when she saw her talking to somebody.
A doctor.
Not that that was unusual or remarkable in any way. Nurses talk to doctors all the time. And doctors, she was sure, probably often smiled a lot and looked completely smitten, especially if the nurse in question was as lovely and wonderful as her nurse.
No, the remarkable was the look the doctor was given. Sarah had seen enough such looks in her life to understand the situation: She was looking at a girl who was already taken, and happy about it.
There was nothing she could do but to walk away.
***
There had been others, but they hadn’t been important. Lust was one thing, love was another. Love, Sarah thought, was a sentimentality that was not for everybody and it certainly wasn’t for her.
Then there was Cora Crawley and after her there could be no one else.
Admittedly, there had not always been love. Sarah had learned enough not to fall in love with ladies anymore (or with anyone, for that matter), but there was something special about this lady, after all.
The love crept up on her as the years passed.
Before she knew that, she had had bad thoughts, and she had done a terrible thing, and she had had very naughty fantasies that she had thought did not matter. Nothing had mattered…
Except that it did matter. It mattered that Cora was the most lovable human being that had ever walked this earth. She was not perfect, of course not; there were many things to be said about her and she wasn’t a celestial goddess, but… there was something fantastic about her after all.
Oh, the things you learn without realising it when you spend years and years serving somebody…
When Sarah said to Thomas that she would let anybody hurt her Lady, she spoke without thinking, but as soon as she said it she knew that it was true.
She thought that her love for Cora was probably the truest, deepest love she had ever felt. It was not entirely beautiful, because there was bitterness and jealousy, too.
Cora filled up her days and her nights. The days were filled with her voice, her gestures, the feel of her skin, her hair and the silk in her clothes. The nights were filled of dreams about all of that. Most of Sarah’s time was filled by silences and words that could never be spoken.
She learned to love even the things that hurt, like her lady’s smile when Lord Grantham talked to her, and every little reminder that said that the house was filled with people who were more important to her than what Sarah could ever be, no matter what she did and how well she performed her duty.
It didn’t matter. It was all part of her life. Cora smiled and talked kindly to her and needed her, in a way. The love Sarah had for her, the love in all its glorious pain, was the best thing that could ever happen.
At least, that was what she tried to tell herself.
***
In this big house filled with the Crawley family and all the servants, there is another Sarah.
This Sarah is rarely noticed, for she is just a maid, and she is quiet and shy. She makes beds, she throws away faded flowers and replaces them with new ones. She runs errands, she makes fires and dusts Lord Granthams’s books in the library.
She talks to Daisy sometimes. Anna is kind. Mr. Bates never remembers her name. Thomas doesn’t even tease her the way he teases Daisy because he realises that she doesn’t care the least bit about him.
The younger Sarah only has eyes for the older one.
Sarah thinks that Miss O’Brien is magnificent. She is beautiful; not like the young ladies are beautiful, not like Lady Grantham is like storybook queen, but there is something else. An air of elegance and dignity, even when she’s being unkind. Sarah senses an air of sadness, a hint of many secrets, unspoken dreams and hopes and fears.
Sarah doesn’t think that Miss O’Brien knows how loved she is; how loved she could be, if only she would open her eyes and allow it. Sarah would be there for her, anytime, she would be ready, accepting and willing. She would offer her heart and soul if Miss O’Brien wanted it.
Sarah knows that Miss O’Brien has no idea. Sarah knows that she is nothing to the older woman.
Nobody else, not even Thomas, watches Miss O’Brien the way Sarah does, and that is why Sarah knows that her love is hopeless. She can never compete with the lady of the house.
Her love is her own secret treasure.
It is this treasure within her that makes her smile the day Miss O’Brien says to her:
“For goodness' sake, girl! You look like Her Ladyship did the first day of the flu. You should go to bed at once.”
Her Ladyship is better now and it’s the first time in days that Miss O’Brien is seen in the kitchen. Sarah is happy that she is better, naturally, they all are. But Sarah is happy also because she understands how much it means to Miss O’Brien. Everything that makes Miss O’Brien happy is a good thing and everything that makes her unhappy breaks Sarah’s heart.
Mrs. Huges agrees with Miss O’Brien, and Sarah goes to bed. She stays there.
Fever dreams soon attack her like the enemy’s bullets in a war. She can’t tell dream from reality anymore and she drifts in and out of consciousness. In one of her last moments of clarity she wonders if Miss O’Brien will see and appreciate her love when they one day meet in Heaven.
Fandom: Downton Abbey
Rating|Genre: pg | femslash, angst
Characters|Pairing: Sarah O’Brien, original characters, Cora, mentions Thomas and others | Sarah/ofc, Sarah/Cora
Summary: Five people Sara O'Brien loved in life who did not love her back. One that did love her and she never knew.
Word count: 2 440
Spoilers|Warnings: No | Character death
Notes: Written for a prompt in the Downton Abbey Kink Meme.
The first person Sarah loved was her father. The love was unrequited, for he loved nothing and no one but the bottle most of the time, but she did love him all the same.
Occasionally, he was sober. When he was sober, he came home to his wife and children, and he loved her, oh, how he loved her, his wife. They could all see it in his eyes - deep, sad, hoping for forgiveness but never begging for it - when he looked at the woman he married when they both were young. Half a long life later, ten pregnancies and seven children later, Sarah’s parents looked old and worn out.
But those days when Mr. O’Brien was sober, he told stories, sad fairytales, sang old songs… And although he was a good-for-nothing drunkard who often yelled at his family and threw a punch at them, there was something in his voice when he told his stories that made Sarah think she saw something in him, something that despite everything made her love him.
He rarely spoke to her, he didn’t even look at her kindly as far as she could remember, but he was her father after all.
He died when she was five years old, and then there was very little music left in Sarah’s life.
***
The second person Sarah loved came from the circus.
At first she thought it was a boy because of the clothes and the hairstyle - it was short! But Max was a girl who took care of the horses and did other things at the circus. Sarah admired the girl’s ability to climb all the highest fences and balance on top of anything. Max could juggle with big knives and knew how to speak with elephants and snakes.
Max promised Sarah a new life with the circus - so much more exciting than her dark, crowded home! - but explained that she needed the proper tattoo first.
Max showed Sarah hers, on her arm; a symbol that she said was Chinese. All it took was a small payment to the tattoo artist.
“Thanks”, Max said to Sarah right before the show started. “Come back tomorrow afternoon; then he’ll be free for you.”
Sarah couldn’t sleep that night. But later she wished that she had slept and that it all had been a dream, for the circus was gone the next day, and so was the magic and Max and all the money she had saved doing small jobs the last couple of years.
***
In Sarah’s school, everybody lived by the law of the jungle even though they were in the middle of the city. The teachers, by the law of nature, were on top, respected and feared. Never in a million years would she have believed that she could love one of those grownups.
But then, when she began her last school year, there was a lady teaching the kids who was not like the others. She was a vision of beauty, tall, blonde and blue-eyed, and she was like an iceberg, or so Sarah imagined. She wasn’t evil or mean, it was just in her nature to be hard and cold and yet there was something in her eyes that was burning Sarah when she looked at her.
It was too late for Sarah to become a bookworm or one of them Nice Girls but suddenly she excelled at everything she did in school.
Her teacher never praised her for anything that she did but disapproved of everything that was less than perfect. Sarah thought that if she tried harder, the lady would smile at her, at least once. Sarah carried bags and books, she beat up anyone who dared say a word against the strict teacher, and she did her best to look as neat and proper as she could.
Then, she began to be silently mischievous and rebellious; whispering, writing notes in class, even causing discord among her classmates. All in the hope of being noticed, in one way or the other.
Once, she got into a fight that was a little too serious than what was considered normal, and she got punished with detention. She endured her punishment with secret joy; she wrote her essay on some dull passage in a moral-filled Christian book and watched the teacher who read a paper behind the desk in front of her. The time passed in absolute silence.
Then, when it was time to leave, she humiliated herself by tripping and falling - on purpose.
The school year was almost over, and lately it had been clear to her that she needed to be touched by those elegant, exquisite, strong hands at least once in her life. She would live long on it, she thought. She could already almost imagine what it would feel like, but almost wasn’t good enough. She needed a touch to add something real to her fantasies and make them perfect.
But the merciless woman didn’t help her up. She just waited, and Sarah soon felt stupid laying sprawled out on the floor like that, and got up to her feet on her own.
“I never knew you were so clumsy”, was the only comment, and Sarah’s cheeks burned.
“Sorry, Miss”, she mumbled. “I didn’t mean to…”
“No, I’m sure you didn’t.”
There was a smirk on the beautiful face; not a smile - there was little or no affection - but at least a reaction, and a spark in the ice-blue eyes. Those eyes held her captive for what seemed like an eternity; they seemed to see right through her and it went on for far too long, but she didn’t want it to stop.
“You have been causing trouble”, said the lady at last. “These childish antics need to stop. I am almost thinking you need a thorough spanking.” She lowered her voice and her next words were a lethal purr: “You would like that, wouldn’t you?”
Sarah’s cheeks burned even deeper and she couldn’t find air to breathe, much less to speak.
“But of course you are too old for that, aren’t you?” the teacher said dismissively after another long silence. “Next time, I will send you to the headmaster’s office.”
The headmaster had, like every other teacher, a hard ruler that he liked to see dancing over bad children’s fingers, but he could also expel people, and that was something that could not happen.
The school ended soon after the incident; the incident that despite making Sarah hot with embarrassment when she thought about it still took on different shapes in her fantasy. Sometimes, she imagined that she would have been bold enough to answer: ‘Yes, Miss, I would’, and it would have been the right thing to say and one thing would have led to another… In the other fantasy, it was the lady who fell and Sarah helped her up and they walked together from the school, talking and smiling, and the beautiful lady would know that there was nothing in the world that Sarah wouldn’t do for her…
But in reality, Sarah never saw her again after the last day in school.
***
The fourth person Sarah loved was a nurse at the hospital Sarah was taken to after an accident in the kitchen.
A clumsy scullery maid had tripped over something an unbelievably careless person had left on the floor, and hot water splashed over Sarah’s legs.
It was Sarah’s first position as a lady’s maid. The lady was middle-aged, disabled - she had trouble walking, and one reason why Sarah had gotten the position was that she was strong - and not unkind. Sarah wanted to make a good first impression and show what she was capable of - and now she couldn’t! What if she got terrible burns? What if her legs were hurt?
It turned out not to be that bad. Best of all was the nurse. Her hands were so soft and her voice was so gentle and her whole presence was soothing and sweet.
Sarah thought that she could spend the rest of her life watching that delicious young creature. She was like a little fairy, and angel - Sarah wasn’t given to romantic exaggerations, but being a little poetic wasn’t uncalled for in this case, she decided.
The girl was very nice, very kind, and it felt strange to Sarah - like the beginning of friendship? She didn’t have many friends and focused on other things; she found most people daft and uninteresting anyway, full of mindless chatter and dull, common ideas. This girl was different, very different.
Then, when she was released from the hospital, she was going to suggest exchanging addresses in the hope of getting letters and that would hopefully be the beginning of something new, something good…
Sarah was on her way to find her, going through the lobby of the hospital, when she saw her talking to somebody.
A doctor.
Not that that was unusual or remarkable in any way. Nurses talk to doctors all the time. And doctors, she was sure, probably often smiled a lot and looked completely smitten, especially if the nurse in question was as lovely and wonderful as her nurse.
No, the remarkable was the look the doctor was given. Sarah had seen enough such looks in her life to understand the situation: She was looking at a girl who was already taken, and happy about it.
There was nothing she could do but to walk away.
***
There had been others, but they hadn’t been important. Lust was one thing, love was another. Love, Sarah thought, was a sentimentality that was not for everybody and it certainly wasn’t for her.
Then there was Cora Crawley and after her there could be no one else.
Admittedly, there had not always been love. Sarah had learned enough not to fall in love with ladies anymore (or with anyone, for that matter), but there was something special about this lady, after all.
The love crept up on her as the years passed.
Before she knew that, she had had bad thoughts, and she had done a terrible thing, and she had had very naughty fantasies that she had thought did not matter. Nothing had mattered…
Except that it did matter. It mattered that Cora was the most lovable human being that had ever walked this earth. She was not perfect, of course not; there were many things to be said about her and she wasn’t a celestial goddess, but… there was something fantastic about her after all.
Oh, the things you learn without realising it when you spend years and years serving somebody…
When Sarah said to Thomas that she would let anybody hurt her Lady, she spoke without thinking, but as soon as she said it she knew that it was true.
She thought that her love for Cora was probably the truest, deepest love she had ever felt. It was not entirely beautiful, because there was bitterness and jealousy, too.
Cora filled up her days and her nights. The days were filled with her voice, her gestures, the feel of her skin, her hair and the silk in her clothes. The nights were filled of dreams about all of that. Most of Sarah’s time was filled by silences and words that could never be spoken.
She learned to love even the things that hurt, like her lady’s smile when Lord Grantham talked to her, and every little reminder that said that the house was filled with people who were more important to her than what Sarah could ever be, no matter what she did and how well she performed her duty.
It didn’t matter. It was all part of her life. Cora smiled and talked kindly to her and needed her, in a way. The love Sarah had for her, the love in all its glorious pain, was the best thing that could ever happen.
At least, that was what she tried to tell herself.
***
In this big house filled with the Crawley family and all the servants, there is another Sarah.
This Sarah is rarely noticed, for she is just a maid, and she is quiet and shy. She makes beds, she throws away faded flowers and replaces them with new ones. She runs errands, she makes fires and dusts Lord Granthams’s books in the library.
She talks to Daisy sometimes. Anna is kind. Mr. Bates never remembers her name. Thomas doesn’t even tease her the way he teases Daisy because he realises that she doesn’t care the least bit about him.
The younger Sarah only has eyes for the older one.
Sarah thinks that Miss O’Brien is magnificent. She is beautiful; not like the young ladies are beautiful, not like Lady Grantham is like storybook queen, but there is something else. An air of elegance and dignity, even when she’s being unkind. Sarah senses an air of sadness, a hint of many secrets, unspoken dreams and hopes and fears.
Sarah doesn’t think that Miss O’Brien knows how loved she is; how loved she could be, if only she would open her eyes and allow it. Sarah would be there for her, anytime, she would be ready, accepting and willing. She would offer her heart and soul if Miss O’Brien wanted it.
Sarah knows that Miss O’Brien has no idea. Sarah knows that she is nothing to the older woman.
Nobody else, not even Thomas, watches Miss O’Brien the way Sarah does, and that is why Sarah knows that her love is hopeless. She can never compete with the lady of the house.
Her love is her own secret treasure.
It is this treasure within her that makes her smile the day Miss O’Brien says to her:
“For goodness' sake, girl! You look like Her Ladyship did the first day of the flu. You should go to bed at once.”
Her Ladyship is better now and it’s the first time in days that Miss O’Brien is seen in the kitchen. Sarah is happy that she is better, naturally, they all are. But Sarah is happy also because she understands how much it means to Miss O’Brien. Everything that makes Miss O’Brien happy is a good thing and everything that makes her unhappy breaks Sarah’s heart.
Mrs. Huges agrees with Miss O’Brien, and Sarah goes to bed. She stays there.
Fever dreams soon attack her like the enemy’s bullets in a war. She can’t tell dream from reality anymore and she drifts in and out of consciousness. In one of her last moments of clarity she wonders if Miss O’Brien will see and appreciate her love when they one day meet in Heaven.