Beautiful Day, Bad Dream
Title: Beautiful Day, Bad Dreams
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Rating|Genre: pg-13 | gen, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff
Characters|Pairing: Conrad, Günter, Wolfram, Yuuri, Greta | Um… you’ll see it if you want to… maybe?
Summary: It’s a beautiful day and a small group of people are out on a picnic. But memories from the past haunt Conrad in his dreams…
Word count: 2 571
Spoilers|Warnings: No | references to (past) violence
Notes: Just something I wanted to write. Thanks to FlatPanda for inspiration and encouragement.
Conrad was a trained soldier and practically born with the sword in his hand. If there was one thing he was completely sure of, then it was his ability to fight. He supposed that he was also sure about the role he had to play in this war. He fought for his country and his people, and for his own identity; for his right to fight, to prove himself worthy of the side he had chosen.
But now, there seemed to be no more “sides”. There were just people, limbs, blood, screams, children. Some of the men he had to kill were hardly more than child-soldiers (the fact that they were human made it worse - was that an inappropriate thought? - because they really were young) but it didn’t matter, because this was war and this was walking through blood of humans and blood of half-humans, and there was the pure blood of mazoku too, coloring the earth he was standing upon.
The cold water of the river washed the blood away from their bodies. The battle was over, for the time being at least. How many years had the war lasted already? Was it ever going to end or was he supposed to keep killing for all eternity? Perhaps, because the river was red and it didn’t matter if he moved upstream, the clear water still didn’t wash him clean, he was soaked in blood and from somewhere he heard screams.
He picked up his sword and moved toward the direction of the terrifying sound - to kill or to save? He didn’t know.
He wished the earth could open up and swallow the source of the screaming. Swallow all of them, make it all stop. In his dream he had the power to command the earth to do his will and he would make the whole world shake because of his rage.
He was shaking. He was shaking, and someone was calling his name and this someone was not scared or hateful or dangerous. This someone was just anxious to wake him up, innocent, sweet, this someone was…
“Greta! Did I fall asleep? What’s the matter?”
“Nothing”, said the child and without warning she laid down and snuggled up to him; he wrapped his arms around her automatically. “I was just worried, Uncle Conrad; you were making noises in your sleep.”
“Oh”, he said, still not completely back in the real world.
Or rather, not back in the present time. That world had been very real once, well, except the part where he had magic…
But the grass was soft under his body, the sky was so blue and he had no doubt that the river he heard nearby was as clear as it had been on the first morning of time. He closed his eyes. He had a child in his arms who thought of him as someone kind and brave and chivalric; the man who protected her beloved Yuuri from all evil could not be a brutal slayer…
The ground below him was vibrating slightly but the cause was nothing else than two boy’s running feet.
“Conrad!” Wolfram’s eager voice forced him to open his eyes again and he had to squint to be able to look at his brother, almost glowing in the sun. “How can you be tired? Yuuri and I are playing with his precious ball and it’s really not okay for you to sleep now.”
“What he means”, Yuuri offered, “is that he could really use you on his team.”
“I do not need him!” Wolfram glared at the other boy. “I’ll play with Greta; you take him!”
Both boys were warm and had taken off their jackets. Despite their bickering, their eyes were filled with affection for each other and filled with the joy this simple pleasure - being out on a picnic on a fine day - could give a family such as theirs.
I love them, he thought. I love them so much my heart could break. I’d do anything to see them both happy forever, I’ll do all that I can to help Yuuri and make sure he’ll never know what a war like that is like.
“Hey”, Yuuri said, “you look kinda funny. Are you alright?”
“You’re hugging me too tight”, Greta complained, and he let go of her immediately.
“I’m sorry, little princess”, he said. “You know what? Why don’t you go and play with your daddies, eh? I won’t fall asleep again.”
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Yuuri insisted.
“Yeah”, he nodded. “I just don’t feel like playing right now. Go and turn these non-Earthians into true baseball players, I’ll stay right here and watch.”
He could tell they weren’t entirely pleased with this, but they also knew when he was being serious and when nagging would be futile.
He smiled as the two young boys took Greta by the hands and began swinging her in the air between them. To think of his little brother as a ‘father’ was kind of hilarious but he had to admit Wolfram was as committed to the role as anyone could ever ask of a young boy. Being an uncle was very nice; having a child around was very nice.
He sighed and sat up straight, tried to shake the dream off his mind by shaking his shoulders and stretching his limbs.
“Had a bad dream?”
It was Günter’s voice; Conrad had almost forgotten he was with them. The other man was sitting in the shadow under a tree; very close to him in fact, but Conrad hadn’t noticed his presence while he was lying down, squinting up on Wolfram’s face.
“Yeah”, he admitted and tried to laugh a little. “Kind of weird, a beautiful day like this, huh?”
“Not at all”, Günter replied calmly. “Dreams come uninvited and often they seem to hit you the hardest when they catch you off guard.”
“Well…” Conrad didn’t know what to say. “I suppose so…”
He had been lying on his back in the sun for too long; the clothes were clinging to his body and he felt sticky. Most of all he wanted to get down in that river and cool off, but he couldn’t strip naked in front of Günter of all people, now could he?
He did the second best thing, like Wolfram and Yuuri, removed some of his clothes. He looked at the other man under the tree; he didn’t look like he was sweating but on the other hand, he was sitting in the shadow and looking elegant was sort of his thing; perhaps he had some magic way of making the air move around him, kind of like the effect of a fan without having to use one?
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Günter asked. “I don’t blame you, you know.”
“For what? For envying you your spot in the shade?”
Conrad could hear that he sounded snappish but sometimes, just sometimes, why couldn’t give in to his moods? It was too hot to be level-headed anyway; how could the kids be running around like that willingly?
“Well, you’re welcome to sit beside me if you like”, Günter said, seemingly unaffected by Conrad’s tone of voice. He gestured to his side and even moved away an inch or two as if he needed to clarify what he was saying.
No thanks, Conrad almost wanted to say. I reek of sweat, you don’t want me to come near you…
He knew that he was being silly, though. It wasn’t as if Günter had lived a sheltered life surrounded by books all his days; he had seen plenty of stinking men in his life and he probably had similar body odour himself.
Probably. Maybe…
“I meant your dreams”, Günter said when Conrad had moved out of the sun. “There’s no shame in having them. I can understand that some things must still haunt you even after all this time. After all, so few of you came back…”
“You don’t know.” Conrad cut him off. “The only one who understands is the only one who came back with me. In the end, after that battle, there was just the two of us… so don’t think that you can understand.”
Why are we even having this conversation? he wondered. It was one thing to talk about the war, something else entirely to talk about his nightmares about it. The fact that it wasn’t even night somehow made it worse. The birdsong, the wind’s gentle whispers through the leaves, the kids’ voices… Oh, how Wolfram would hate me for referring to him as one of the kids…
“It’s true that I was not there”, Günter said and his voice was getting sharper. “I have not seen what you have seen. But I taught you before you went to war; I recognized your talent and skill as something less than ready-made perfection; although you were superior to the others you were still a rough diamond. I knew how to polish you. Do you think that was sheer magic and no work? Do you think I learned all that I know through books?”
Conrad looked down on his clenched fists, forced to think back a long time, to the days when he had not had a fraction of the knowledge he gained through the years.
He turned his head and looked at his former teacher whose violet eyes were darkened by the shadow under their tree.
He slowly shook his head, realizing what Günter meant. He may not have fought alongside Conrad and Yozak in the war, but no one can be a skilled swordsman without training and somewhere, some time, Günter, too, must have experienced the difference between academy training and pre-war rhetoric and the grim reality.
“That’s all I’m saying”, Günter said as if Conrad had spoken aloud - but maybe he just knew that his point was clear.
For the first time Conrad wondered what kind of bad dreams the royal adviser had - the thought had never occurred to him before and suddenly he was ashamed. Did he still look up to Günter so much that he saw him as above such normal things, and thus without need of understanding and comfort, like the student looks up to his teacher and thinks him infallible?
But then again, Günter was probably right - for someone who had been through a lot, bad dreams were not a shame and not a weakness. That was something, Conrad realized, that he himself could have said to Yuuri… so why not take the words to heart?
“My dream”, he began and didn’t bother trying to stop his voice from trembling, “in it, I’m… reliving things ten times worse, but the worst part of it… It usually ends with me using a weapon you never taught me to use, but I have it in the dream and that’s… scary.”
“What’s that?” Günter asked, puzzled. “A hatchet? Or a mace? But I’m sure you could use one if you wanted to…”
“Probably. It’s not anything like that, it’s magic.”
“Oh”, Günter mumbled. “I didn’t even think…”
“Exactly”, Conrad replied, “why would you....”
“Why is that the worst part of your dream?”
“I…” Conrad shrugged. “I don’t know… maybe because I… no, forget it. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Hm”, Günter said. “Suppose there was a way for you to use it… I suppose it would be scary at first…”
“No, no. It’s not that. Or at least I don’t think so. It’s just that I feel as if I should have been able to do something more. Better. If I hadn’t been half human I could have been stronger and I could have protected more of my men and brought them back home, Yozak’s friends and mine; men who followed my lead…”
“No.” Günter reached out his hand and put it on Conrad’s for a moment; quickly as when a bird sweeps down to pick up a seed from the ground and then takes off again. “You mustn’t think like that. You fought with all you had, and you survived. No one can do more than that.”
Conrad left the present and thought back again. He remembered how he, even after he had accepted being instructed by Lord von Christ, used to just sit back and watch sometimes. He knew that no matter how hard he tried and how strong he was, there were some things he could never do; that weaker swordsmen could learn easily because it was in their blood, their pure mazoku blood.
“You have to admit though”, he said, “that there was some human roughness you could never fully polish away from the ‘diamond’.”
“True”, Günter admitted. “I could never teach you all that I know. But that does not mean that you should regret who you are. What’s the point? We all have our strengths and weaknesses as individuals, and you wouldn’t be you if you weren’t half human.”
And again, Günter was annoyingly right.
“Well, yeah, but try telling my nightmares that!”
“I would if I could”, Günter said. “I would if I could.”
The words were uttered with such a complete sincerity that there was nothing, it seemed, that Conrad could reply that wouldn’t trivialize them. The words were kind of shocking, actually, in all their gentle and simple tone. Was there anything he could say, anything that he could offer in return?
“Thanks”, he said, and Günter accepted it with a small nod. Their eyes seemed to speak volumes that there were no words for.
I feel a lot better now.
“Um”, Günter said. “Food, perhaps? Or a drink?”
Drink? There was a basket filled with picnic food, but although it had been with Günter in the shade, it wasn’t that cool there and they had been out for a long time.
“Fear not, my friend”, Günter said and reached for the basket. “I can see your doubt written all over your face, but look at this…”
Günter pulled out a cylinder-shaped thing that perhaps, possibly, could be some kind of bottle?
“Let me guess”, Conrad said, “Anissina?”
“It’s the Keeping-Beverages-Cool-Forever-kun”, Günter announced as proudly as if he had invented the thing himself. Knowing Anissina, though, Günter probably had been involved in the testing process.
“Does it work?” Conrad asked.
“Let’s find out”, Günter suggested and looked at the thing to try to find out where to open it.
“Hey”, Greta called, “Uncle Conrad, you’re not watching!”
The ball game had stopped, Conrad observed, and it was true; he had not been watching one minute of it. He planned to make it up to them sometime soon.
“They’re starting without us!” Wolfram shouted. “Hey, save us some food, will you?”
All three of them came running and threw themselves down on the grass around Conrad and Günter. When Günter managed to open Cool-Forever-kun, they all had to admit that Anissina had outdone herself.
“Even if we can’t escape the shadows of the past”, Günter said out of the blue, “there is always sunshine somewhere. Right, Conrad?”
The sunshine was right there - above him, around him, in the eyes of the people who loved him.
“Right”, he said.
There was really nothing more to say, was there? Conrad thought that no matter how long they both lived side by side and worked together, Günter was always going to be his teacher. But he was also a lot more than that.
A good friend.
.
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Rating|Genre: pg-13 | gen, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff
Characters|Pairing: Conrad, Günter, Wolfram, Yuuri, Greta | Um… you’ll see it if you want to… maybe?
Summary: It’s a beautiful day and a small group of people are out on a picnic. But memories from the past haunt Conrad in his dreams…
Word count: 2 571
Spoilers|Warnings: No | references to (past) violence
Notes: Just something I wanted to write. Thanks to FlatPanda for inspiration and encouragement.
Conrad was a trained soldier and practically born with the sword in his hand. If there was one thing he was completely sure of, then it was his ability to fight. He supposed that he was also sure about the role he had to play in this war. He fought for his country and his people, and for his own identity; for his right to fight, to prove himself worthy of the side he had chosen.
But now, there seemed to be no more “sides”. There were just people, limbs, blood, screams, children. Some of the men he had to kill were hardly more than child-soldiers (the fact that they were human made it worse - was that an inappropriate thought? - because they really were young) but it didn’t matter, because this was war and this was walking through blood of humans and blood of half-humans, and there was the pure blood of mazoku too, coloring the earth he was standing upon.
The cold water of the river washed the blood away from their bodies. The battle was over, for the time being at least. How many years had the war lasted already? Was it ever going to end or was he supposed to keep killing for all eternity? Perhaps, because the river was red and it didn’t matter if he moved upstream, the clear water still didn’t wash him clean, he was soaked in blood and from somewhere he heard screams.
He picked up his sword and moved toward the direction of the terrifying sound - to kill or to save? He didn’t know.
He wished the earth could open up and swallow the source of the screaming. Swallow all of them, make it all stop. In his dream he had the power to command the earth to do his will and he would make the whole world shake because of his rage.
He was shaking. He was shaking, and someone was calling his name and this someone was not scared or hateful or dangerous. This someone was just anxious to wake him up, innocent, sweet, this someone was…
“Greta! Did I fall asleep? What’s the matter?”
“Nothing”, said the child and without warning she laid down and snuggled up to him; he wrapped his arms around her automatically. “I was just worried, Uncle Conrad; you were making noises in your sleep.”
“Oh”, he said, still not completely back in the real world.
Or rather, not back in the present time. That world had been very real once, well, except the part where he had magic…
But the grass was soft under his body, the sky was so blue and he had no doubt that the river he heard nearby was as clear as it had been on the first morning of time. He closed his eyes. He had a child in his arms who thought of him as someone kind and brave and chivalric; the man who protected her beloved Yuuri from all evil could not be a brutal slayer…
The ground below him was vibrating slightly but the cause was nothing else than two boy’s running feet.
“Conrad!” Wolfram’s eager voice forced him to open his eyes again and he had to squint to be able to look at his brother, almost glowing in the sun. “How can you be tired? Yuuri and I are playing with his precious ball and it’s really not okay for you to sleep now.”
“What he means”, Yuuri offered, “is that he could really use you on his team.”
“I do not need him!” Wolfram glared at the other boy. “I’ll play with Greta; you take him!”
Both boys were warm and had taken off their jackets. Despite their bickering, their eyes were filled with affection for each other and filled with the joy this simple pleasure - being out on a picnic on a fine day - could give a family such as theirs.
I love them, he thought. I love them so much my heart could break. I’d do anything to see them both happy forever, I’ll do all that I can to help Yuuri and make sure he’ll never know what a war like that is like.
“Hey”, Yuuri said, “you look kinda funny. Are you alright?”
“You’re hugging me too tight”, Greta complained, and he let go of her immediately.
“I’m sorry, little princess”, he said. “You know what? Why don’t you go and play with your daddies, eh? I won’t fall asleep again.”
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Yuuri insisted.
“Yeah”, he nodded. “I just don’t feel like playing right now. Go and turn these non-Earthians into true baseball players, I’ll stay right here and watch.”
He could tell they weren’t entirely pleased with this, but they also knew when he was being serious and when nagging would be futile.
He smiled as the two young boys took Greta by the hands and began swinging her in the air between them. To think of his little brother as a ‘father’ was kind of hilarious but he had to admit Wolfram was as committed to the role as anyone could ever ask of a young boy. Being an uncle was very nice; having a child around was very nice.
He sighed and sat up straight, tried to shake the dream off his mind by shaking his shoulders and stretching his limbs.
“Had a bad dream?”
It was Günter’s voice; Conrad had almost forgotten he was with them. The other man was sitting in the shadow under a tree; very close to him in fact, but Conrad hadn’t noticed his presence while he was lying down, squinting up on Wolfram’s face.
“Yeah”, he admitted and tried to laugh a little. “Kind of weird, a beautiful day like this, huh?”
“Not at all”, Günter replied calmly. “Dreams come uninvited and often they seem to hit you the hardest when they catch you off guard.”
“Well…” Conrad didn’t know what to say. “I suppose so…”
He had been lying on his back in the sun for too long; the clothes were clinging to his body and he felt sticky. Most of all he wanted to get down in that river and cool off, but he couldn’t strip naked in front of Günter of all people, now could he?
He did the second best thing, like Wolfram and Yuuri, removed some of his clothes. He looked at the other man under the tree; he didn’t look like he was sweating but on the other hand, he was sitting in the shadow and looking elegant was sort of his thing; perhaps he had some magic way of making the air move around him, kind of like the effect of a fan without having to use one?
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Günter asked. “I don’t blame you, you know.”
“For what? For envying you your spot in the shade?”
Conrad could hear that he sounded snappish but sometimes, just sometimes, why couldn’t give in to his moods? It was too hot to be level-headed anyway; how could the kids be running around like that willingly?
“Well, you’re welcome to sit beside me if you like”, Günter said, seemingly unaffected by Conrad’s tone of voice. He gestured to his side and even moved away an inch or two as if he needed to clarify what he was saying.
No thanks, Conrad almost wanted to say. I reek of sweat, you don’t want me to come near you…
He knew that he was being silly, though. It wasn’t as if Günter had lived a sheltered life surrounded by books all his days; he had seen plenty of stinking men in his life and he probably had similar body odour himself.
Probably. Maybe…
“I meant your dreams”, Günter said when Conrad had moved out of the sun. “There’s no shame in having them. I can understand that some things must still haunt you even after all this time. After all, so few of you came back…”
“You don’t know.” Conrad cut him off. “The only one who understands is the only one who came back with me. In the end, after that battle, there was just the two of us… so don’t think that you can understand.”
Why are we even having this conversation? he wondered. It was one thing to talk about the war, something else entirely to talk about his nightmares about it. The fact that it wasn’t even night somehow made it worse. The birdsong, the wind’s gentle whispers through the leaves, the kids’ voices… Oh, how Wolfram would hate me for referring to him as one of the kids…
“It’s true that I was not there”, Günter said and his voice was getting sharper. “I have not seen what you have seen. But I taught you before you went to war; I recognized your talent and skill as something less than ready-made perfection; although you were superior to the others you were still a rough diamond. I knew how to polish you. Do you think that was sheer magic and no work? Do you think I learned all that I know through books?”
Conrad looked down on his clenched fists, forced to think back a long time, to the days when he had not had a fraction of the knowledge he gained through the years.
He turned his head and looked at his former teacher whose violet eyes were darkened by the shadow under their tree.
He slowly shook his head, realizing what Günter meant. He may not have fought alongside Conrad and Yozak in the war, but no one can be a skilled swordsman without training and somewhere, some time, Günter, too, must have experienced the difference between academy training and pre-war rhetoric and the grim reality.
“That’s all I’m saying”, Günter said as if Conrad had spoken aloud - but maybe he just knew that his point was clear.
For the first time Conrad wondered what kind of bad dreams the royal adviser had - the thought had never occurred to him before and suddenly he was ashamed. Did he still look up to Günter so much that he saw him as above such normal things, and thus without need of understanding and comfort, like the student looks up to his teacher and thinks him infallible?
But then again, Günter was probably right - for someone who had been through a lot, bad dreams were not a shame and not a weakness. That was something, Conrad realized, that he himself could have said to Yuuri… so why not take the words to heart?
“My dream”, he began and didn’t bother trying to stop his voice from trembling, “in it, I’m… reliving things ten times worse, but the worst part of it… It usually ends with me using a weapon you never taught me to use, but I have it in the dream and that’s… scary.”
“What’s that?” Günter asked, puzzled. “A hatchet? Or a mace? But I’m sure you could use one if you wanted to…”
“Probably. It’s not anything like that, it’s magic.”
“Oh”, Günter mumbled. “I didn’t even think…”
“Exactly”, Conrad replied, “why would you....”
“Why is that the worst part of your dream?”
“I…” Conrad shrugged. “I don’t know… maybe because I… no, forget it. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Hm”, Günter said. “Suppose there was a way for you to use it… I suppose it would be scary at first…”
“No, no. It’s not that. Or at least I don’t think so. It’s just that I feel as if I should have been able to do something more. Better. If I hadn’t been half human I could have been stronger and I could have protected more of my men and brought them back home, Yozak’s friends and mine; men who followed my lead…”
“No.” Günter reached out his hand and put it on Conrad’s for a moment; quickly as when a bird sweeps down to pick up a seed from the ground and then takes off again. “You mustn’t think like that. You fought with all you had, and you survived. No one can do more than that.”
Conrad left the present and thought back again. He remembered how he, even after he had accepted being instructed by Lord von Christ, used to just sit back and watch sometimes. He knew that no matter how hard he tried and how strong he was, there were some things he could never do; that weaker swordsmen could learn easily because it was in their blood, their pure mazoku blood.
“You have to admit though”, he said, “that there was some human roughness you could never fully polish away from the ‘diamond’.”
“True”, Günter admitted. “I could never teach you all that I know. But that does not mean that you should regret who you are. What’s the point? We all have our strengths and weaknesses as individuals, and you wouldn’t be you if you weren’t half human.”
And again, Günter was annoyingly right.
“Well, yeah, but try telling my nightmares that!”
“I would if I could”, Günter said. “I would if I could.”
The words were uttered with such a complete sincerity that there was nothing, it seemed, that Conrad could reply that wouldn’t trivialize them. The words were kind of shocking, actually, in all their gentle and simple tone. Was there anything he could say, anything that he could offer in return?
“Thanks”, he said, and Günter accepted it with a small nod. Their eyes seemed to speak volumes that there were no words for.
I feel a lot better now.
“Um”, Günter said. “Food, perhaps? Or a drink?”
Drink? There was a basket filled with picnic food, but although it had been with Günter in the shade, it wasn’t that cool there and they had been out for a long time.
“Fear not, my friend”, Günter said and reached for the basket. “I can see your doubt written all over your face, but look at this…”
Günter pulled out a cylinder-shaped thing that perhaps, possibly, could be some kind of bottle?
“Let me guess”, Conrad said, “Anissina?”
“It’s the Keeping-Beverages-Cool-Forever-kun”, Günter announced as proudly as if he had invented the thing himself. Knowing Anissina, though, Günter probably had been involved in the testing process.
“Does it work?” Conrad asked.
“Let’s find out”, Günter suggested and looked at the thing to try to find out where to open it.
“Hey”, Greta called, “Uncle Conrad, you’re not watching!”
The ball game had stopped, Conrad observed, and it was true; he had not been watching one minute of it. He planned to make it up to them sometime soon.
“They’re starting without us!” Wolfram shouted. “Hey, save us some food, will you?”
All three of them came running and threw themselves down on the grass around Conrad and Günter. When Günter managed to open Cool-Forever-kun, they all had to admit that Anissina had outdone herself.
“Even if we can’t escape the shadows of the past”, Günter said out of the blue, “there is always sunshine somewhere. Right, Conrad?”
The sunshine was right there - above him, around him, in the eyes of the people who loved him.
“Right”, he said.
There was really nothing more to say, was there? Conrad thought that no matter how long they both lived side by side and worked together, Günter was always going to be his teacher. But he was also a lot more than that.
A good friend.
.