(no subject)
I had a good weekend with my writer friends. This time was special because there were things to celebrate. We’ve all written novels, some of us several, or collections of short stories or poetry, but now, one of us, Marie, will get a book published!! Like, seriously, for real, a real serious publishing house!! It’s so cool. :) So we had cakes (made by me and Liv) and sparkling wine and lots of food. Other than that, we didn’t work, we just hung out this time and it was great.
Something else to celebrate was that Anna told us she’s pregnant with her third child. She says this will be her last, because pregnancies are very risky for her and the babies, she has some kind of problems that make her very sick (not right now, though, it seemed!) and can make the baby sick, too. She had that problem the two first times.
Next, Liv said that her wife Malin is pregnant, too. And for them, it’s amazing because they have been trying IVF for two and a half years and it has been really hard for them to go through that process of hoping and being sad over and over again. Finally, it happened. Liv has written poems about it, or more like a short but intense lyrical story. She read it aloud, it was really magical.
Linda already has two children, the youngest is seven months, and she says that’s enough for her. (Marie’s kids are grown up, they’re between 26 and 18.) Because of all this, there was a lot of baby/pregnancy talk for a long time. Or maybe it just felt like a long time. Of course I’m very happy and excited for my friends, especially Liv - it’s hard to even imagine how painful it has been for her. I mean, I can understand a little bit because I can relate to wanting a baby, but her and Malin’s situation is very different from how I just want to. I can also understand what they all are saying about their respective troubles and difficulties and I can appreciate how much pain and problems I don’t have to go through, but still… It was hard for me. I really wanted to tell them that, how I envy all of them but I didn’t say anything. It felt wrong to do it, I’m glad for them after all and it’s their happiness. But I felt like “okay, but what about me?!” (Mia in this case doesn’t count because she doesn’t feel this way at all.) I can’t even explain how I feel.
It’s like there’s a hole in me and I can’t even complain about it because it’s my own fault. My life is like this.
We talked about our writing as well - each of us got half an hour (well, we tried that… *lol*) to talk about our current projects or where we are right now with our writing or whatever. I didn’t have a lot to say, but it felt good to talk about the fact that I’m not writing and it felt good that they were very understanding. I study and work and honestly it’s more than enough for me.
I also mentioned Stefan a little bit. Because it felt like I was just talking about how hard it is for me to write right now and negative stuff like that, I also wanted to add that there are good things as well. Most of them know this but Anna has never heard about Stefan before so I just wanted to tell her. Now I sort of regret it.
She was, at first, very surprised that I talked about a man, but she got over it quickly and I didn’t want to talk about all my thoughts about that anyway. It is how it is, and it’s not a problem. Then she wanted to know who it is and what has happened. When I told her that it’s “not like that” because he’s married, she said: “Oh, no! No, what are you doing there, Lisa? Don’t do this again…”
Well, yes, I know, but it’s not like I fell for him on purpose because he’s married. And even if they (Linda said it) thinks that it’s something I do because it’s “safer”, I can’t see it like that because it makes me feel like I’m stupid, and then I think that okay, maybe I am, and what’s the point of trying to think or trying to figure out what you feel if it’s not for real anyway because it’s just something I decide to do!
Then she asked for more details, and then she said: “Ohhh, so it’s your therapist! Okay, I see, so it’s just transference, then.”
So it’s not just about a married man, it’s a therapist as well! How ridiculous can I get?!
Anna said: “Oh Lisa, you need to find something real, and learn what a real relationship is like, beyond your idea about romance…” Well, I don’t know what my idea about romance has to do with anything (I don’t think there’s anything “romantic” about my feelings for Stefan, not in the way that I can write poetry out of it and think of it as valuable for that reason), but I guess she’s right. Even so… Being told that this is just something stupid, not real, it hurts. It’s not that I don’t want more, this was not the reaction I was hoping for.
I mean, it’s good to like somebody, to enjoy spending time with them, right? It’s even better to know that the person accepts being liked. That’s what I think. I don’t know. Maybe it’s ridiculous to try to say something about Stefan as if it’s something good. Of course I also know how pointless the whole thing is. And how it’s like I don’t live a real life.
I felt so stupid but of course Anna has always made me feel like a child even though she’s just two years older. To be honest it’s not that I absolutely wanted to tell her about Stefan, I just wanted to mention him to my friends a little bit and say his name once or twice. Well, that’s just silly, of course because they’re right that it’s not the same as a real relationship. Is it just that it hurts to hear the truth? (But then when I think about him, I feel happy and thankful because he has never made me feel like I’m a incredibly ridiculous person.)
Is it my own fault? Have I made my life like this? What’s wrong with me?
Something else to celebrate was that Anna told us she’s pregnant with her third child. She says this will be her last, because pregnancies are very risky for her and the babies, she has some kind of problems that make her very sick (not right now, though, it seemed!) and can make the baby sick, too. She had that problem the two first times.
Next, Liv said that her wife Malin is pregnant, too. And for them, it’s amazing because they have been trying IVF for two and a half years and it has been really hard for them to go through that process of hoping and being sad over and over again. Finally, it happened. Liv has written poems about it, or more like a short but intense lyrical story. She read it aloud, it was really magical.
Linda already has two children, the youngest is seven months, and she says that’s enough for her. (Marie’s kids are grown up, they’re between 26 and 18.) Because of all this, there was a lot of baby/pregnancy talk for a long time. Or maybe it just felt like a long time. Of course I’m very happy and excited for my friends, especially Liv - it’s hard to even imagine how painful it has been for her. I mean, I can understand a little bit because I can relate to wanting a baby, but her and Malin’s situation is very different from how I just want to. I can also understand what they all are saying about their respective troubles and difficulties and I can appreciate how much pain and problems I don’t have to go through, but still… It was hard for me. I really wanted to tell them that, how I envy all of them but I didn’t say anything. It felt wrong to do it, I’m glad for them after all and it’s their happiness. But I felt like “okay, but what about me?!” (Mia in this case doesn’t count because she doesn’t feel this way at all.) I can’t even explain how I feel.
It’s like there’s a hole in me and I can’t even complain about it because it’s my own fault. My life is like this.
We talked about our writing as well - each of us got half an hour (well, we tried that… *lol*) to talk about our current projects or where we are right now with our writing or whatever. I didn’t have a lot to say, but it felt good to talk about the fact that I’m not writing and it felt good that they were very understanding. I study and work and honestly it’s more than enough for me.
I also mentioned Stefan a little bit. Because it felt like I was just talking about how hard it is for me to write right now and negative stuff like that, I also wanted to add that there are good things as well. Most of them know this but Anna has never heard about Stefan before so I just wanted to tell her. Now I sort of regret it.
She was, at first, very surprised that I talked about a man, but she got over it quickly and I didn’t want to talk about all my thoughts about that anyway. It is how it is, and it’s not a problem. Then she wanted to know who it is and what has happened. When I told her that it’s “not like that” because he’s married, she said: “Oh, no! No, what are you doing there, Lisa? Don’t do this again…”
Well, yes, I know, but it’s not like I fell for him on purpose because he’s married. And even if they (Linda said it) thinks that it’s something I do because it’s “safer”, I can’t see it like that because it makes me feel like I’m stupid, and then I think that okay, maybe I am, and what’s the point of trying to think or trying to figure out what you feel if it’s not for real anyway because it’s just something I decide to do!
Then she asked for more details, and then she said: “Ohhh, so it’s your therapist! Okay, I see, so it’s just transference, then.”
So it’s not just about a married man, it’s a therapist as well! How ridiculous can I get?!
Anna said: “Oh Lisa, you need to find something real, and learn what a real relationship is like, beyond your idea about romance…” Well, I don’t know what my idea about romance has to do with anything (I don’t think there’s anything “romantic” about my feelings for Stefan, not in the way that I can write poetry out of it and think of it as valuable for that reason), but I guess she’s right. Even so… Being told that this is just something stupid, not real, it hurts. It’s not that I don’t want more, this was not the reaction I was hoping for.
I mean, it’s good to like somebody, to enjoy spending time with them, right? It’s even better to know that the person accepts being liked. That’s what I think. I don’t know. Maybe it’s ridiculous to try to say something about Stefan as if it’s something good. Of course I also know how pointless the whole thing is. And how it’s like I don’t live a real life.
I felt so stupid but of course Anna has always made me feel like a child even though she’s just two years older. To be honest it’s not that I absolutely wanted to tell her about Stefan, I just wanted to mention him to my friends a little bit and say his name once or twice. Well, that’s just silly, of course because they’re right that it’s not the same as a real relationship. Is it just that it hurts to hear the truth? (But then when I think about him, I feel happy and thankful because he has never made me feel like I’m a incredibly ridiculous person.)
Is it my own fault? Have I made my life like this? What’s wrong with me?