KKM fic: The Change
Title: The Change
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Rating|Genre: pg | slash, family/friendship, angst, fluff
Characters|Pairing: Yuuri, Conrad, Shouri, mentions others | Conrad/Yuuri, Shouri/OFC
Summary: Yuuri and Conrad visit Shouri on Earth. Things have changed in Shouri’s life, and perhaps it’s time for changes in Shin Makoku as well?
Word count: 3 391
Spoilers|Warnings: No.
Life is changing, on Earth as well as in Shin Makoku. Things that happen in Shin Makoku have a greater impact on Yuuri’s daily life, but the changes back in Japan are harder to keep up with. They seem harder to grasp, more mysterious somehow.
Shouri is married now. His wife Erika is a petite, cute girl who is often smiling. She likes to sing and her voice is strong and pure; she seems playful and Yuuri doesn’t doubt that she fills Shouri’s life with joy each day. That is all that he knows about Erika.
My big brother, Yuuri muses, when did he become this grown up and settled? But at some point, something huge and wonderful must have happened to him and Yuuri knows very little about it. He feels that Shouri, as always, has kept a closer watch on him and knows more about life in the other world, even if times passes more quickly there.
Shouri was visiting Shin Makoku the day Yuuri fell into Conrad’s arms and Conrad didn’t let go of him. Or, to be more precise, Shouri grabbed Yuuri’s arm that day and followed him and Murata when they when into the bathtub, as so many times before without an invitation. As if he had had a sixth sense somehow, as if he had known that something life-changing was about to happen and he just had to be there to witness it.
It was life-changing, of course it was, when Conrad and Yuuri confessed their love for each other. But on the other hand it felt so natural. What happened was not so much a change as a natural progress of a relationship that had always existed and would always continue to grow. Even a big brother so protective as Shouri could see it. At some point, he had a private conversation with Conrad, not even a very long one, that left Conrad with a content smile and the words: “I’m proud to be a part of your family.”
So, when Shouri’s first child is born, Yuuri and Conrad just have to be there.
***
While the mother is resting, Shouri takes care of the baby.
Yuuri watches with fascination how his brother handles the girl. She has been fed, she is wide awake and content; she blinks slowly and her little hands sometimes wave aimlessly in the air. All four of them are in the kitchen, where the sun comes in through big windows but it’s not too hot, just warm enough to be very pleasant to be there.
What a beautiful moment this is, Yuuri thinks.
“You always were good at looking after babies”, he comments, and remembers how his brother seemed to enjoy spending time with El.
“How is El doing these days?” Shouri asks as if he can read Yuuri’s mind. “And his parents?”
“They’re fine”, Yuuri says. “El is not even a baby anymore. He might not remember you… it’s been a long time, for him.”
“Yes, that’s normal”, Shouri replies, and Yuuri gets the distinct feeling that his brother is only partly listening to him. He seems to be ’listening’ more to what the baby communicates without words, just by being there. She is now the centre of Shouri and Erika’s world, and only after a couple of hours in their home, Yuuri feels that he is somewhat drawn into the circle as well, because a child of his brother is sort of a part of him, too. She is always going to be a part of his life now. And yet he is only in the periphery of the circle.
“I never knew that being an uncle could feel so… amazing”, he tries. He feels that those words are very poor, inadequate, but they’re the best he can offer right now.
“Yuu-chan, I think she looks a little bit like you when you were a baby”, Shouri says, and Yuuri can’t tell if he’s really serious or not. Has he ever been this cute? It’s hard to believe.
“I don’t see it at all”, Conrad protests. “She is definitely going to be a spitting image of her mother when she grows up.”
“That’s too soon to tell”, Shouri says, not willing to let go of his theory of family resemblance. “What are you, a psychic or something?”
“No”, Conrad says with a smile, “but I remember very clearly what Yuuri looked like when he was a baby.”
Shouri shoots him a glance and then quickly looks away, “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”
Conrad shrugs and looks at Yuuri, who smiles back at him. Yuuri can sort of see Shouri’s point - realizing just how long Conrad has known Yuuri might be a bit ‘creepy’, but it’s not like that at all.
“Speaking of being an uncle”, Shouri says, “how’s my niece doing these days?”
“Oh, Greta!” Yuuri smiles. “She’s getting more beautiful and taller every day.”
“She’s almost as tall as Yuuri now”, Conrad adds, “and she hasn’t stopped growing yet. Wolfram keeps teasing Yuuri about it.”
“I can’t help that I’m not as tall as some people”, Yuuri pouts, but he’s not really upset. These last few years, the banter with Wolfram has been friendlier and more fun, and definitely easier to take. Wolfram is a much better friend than a fiancé, at least in Yuuri’s opinion, and he is a good father to Greta.
My life, Yuuri thinks to himself, is pretty much perfect, except for the fact that my family lives in two different worlds. But no man can have it all, can he? I have as much as I can ever ask for…
“Maybe you want to hold your niece, Uncle Yuuri?” Shouri offers.
Of course he wants to.
This is not the first time Yuuri holds a baby, but it feels like a new situation anyway. It’s the first time he is holding a baby who is related to him. This makes it… special, doesn’t it? She’s so cute, this little one. She sucks her little lip in sometimes, and then it plops out, wet and pink, and she’s even cuter than she was one second ago…
Suddenly he finds himself wondering what Greta looked like when she was little. He rarely thinks about it, but of course he realizes that for most people, being a parent isn’t something they sort of stumble upon when somebody tries to attack and kill them; it usually starts with pregnancy and a baby. Yuuri is very happy about Greta and he loves her, but he just can’t imagine what it would have been like to live with a baby version of her…
The baby yawns and squeezes her eyes shut. It makes Yuuri anxious.
“Is she sleepy? Does she want to come back to you? Sometimes, it does happen that babies start crying if I look at them for too long…”
“She’s fine”, Shouri reassures him. “They won’t cry unless you scare them by doing something ridiculous. It’s fine to try to make them laugh when they’re older, but you have to be gentle with infants…”
“I know”, Yuuri says, “don’t lecture me. What about you?” Yuuri looks at Conrad. “Don’t you want to hold her, Conrad?”
Conrad looks away. He doesn’t reply at first, and when he does, his voice is strangely slow and tense.
“Oh, I don’t know… it feels strange, somehow, that these hands of a soldier should touch an innocent infant…”
Yuuri stares at him, “What kind of nonsense is that? You sound like Hube, or worse. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the hands of either of you…”
“Come on, Yuu-chan! It’s normal to feel insecure around babies; in fact, most of my friends feel that way. Even dad, you know! He’s like ‘Oh, I don’t know how to hold her!’ and mom keeps telling him what to do and not…”
“Yeah, but Conrad…”
Something is not right. Yuuri thinks about how Conrad, as far as he knows, has always been almost as good with babies as Shouri. Didn’t he practically raise Wolfram? Maybe he has suddenly stopped liking children? That doesn’t make any sense, though…
“So you don’t want to hold her? Conrad?”
Yuuri looks into his lover’s eyes, trying to understand what’s going on. It’s not that Conrad must hold the baby, and it’s not like he has to explain why he doesn’t want to… Maybe he feels that she is Yuuri’s niece, not his? Does he feel excluded, somehow? Has Yuuri or Shouri done something to make him feel bad?
As if Conrad can see that he is making Yuuri worry, he smiles apologetically. The smile is genuine, and it hides nothing: I’m sorry, I’m being silly, I do care about this child.
“I do want to hold her”, Conrad says. “Of course. If Shouri doesn’t mind.”
The smile fades then. Conrad’s face is calm, to the point of being almost blank. He takes the child with steady hands, hands that would never fail to protect and love, but Yuuri who knows him more intimately than anyone else sees a slight tremble in his face.
There is nothing awkward or insecure in the way he holds the baby close to his body; not too tightly, but steadily. He looks at her, and his eyes widen as if he is looking at a miracle. And in a way, he is… Yuuri feels that way about his niece, too.
The girl is just an infant and she won’t laugh or speak in a long time yet. She can’t know who it is that it is holding her, she can’t even keep her eyes focused on the same spot for a very long time, but she doesn’t seem uncomfortable in Conrad’s arms and it looks like she sees right into those warm eyes and reads a secret message there.
Or perhaps it is Yuuri who reads things into what he sees. He sees a smile slowly forming in Conrad’s face. It’s such a small, quiet smile, like the flicker of a tea candle’s flame, but it comes from within him and it looks like it means something…
When Yuuri sees it, he feels something break in him. He becomes aware of an empty space within him that he hadn’t even known existed.
This emptiness is the knowledge that there is something that Conrad wants that he can never give him.
Because we’re both guys, he thinks. Is this fair? What am I going to do? …Is there something I can do, if… if…
He can’t even find the words for the fear that has taken hold of him and he tries to push it out of his mind. He focuses on the memory of that day, years ago now, when Conrad and Shouri somehow became ‘brothers’ or something, the day when they spoke of ‘family’, and Yuuri thinks that Conrad is very happy, very, very happy, to be an uncle to this child.
“Come here now”, he says, suddenly selfishly desperate to break that bond that is forming right before his eyes, “come back to uncle Yuuri now!”
Conrad does not object. He hands over the little niece and takes a step back. Yuuri notices in the corner of his eye that Shouri takes quite a big step forward, but he ignores it. He just murmurs softly; nonsensical words about how cute the baby is. He doesn’t try to make a ‘funny face’ or make ‘funny sounds’ or anything stupid like that.
The baby starts to whimper soon and Yuuri lets the father take over before she starts crying too loudly.
“There, there”, Shouri says softly, “let’s get that diaper changed before we wake Mommy up. Mommy needs to rest, see…”
To Yuuri, it feels like he and Conrad don’t exist anymore. Not even to each other. Conrad stares out the window as if the rather dull view of other houses identical to Shouri’s is suddenly very interesting.
What is he looking at? What is he thinking? Yuuri doesn’t ask. He tries to think of something to say, anything to break the sudden silence, but is Conrad who finally does it.
He turns away from the window and wraps Yuuri in a tight embrace, and whispers, with his mouth close to Yuuri’s ear: “I love you so very much, you know…”
Yuuri knows. He knows that as long as he’s with Conrad, he’ll be safe anywhere in any world.
But he isn’t calm. They stay like that for a long time, because Shouri takes ‘baby maintenance’ very seriously. When he comes back, they have both put their cheerful faces on.
***
Later, when they are back in the King’s bedchamber in the castle, silence falls between them again.
They have left the chatter of people behind. It feels like a day has passed, but in Shin Makoku, people have been waiting impatiently for their return and for news about the baby. Greta is happy and amazed by the pictures Yuuri brought - he didn’t have time to get any photos developed, but Shouri has a good enough printer - and would have wanted to talk about her little cousin forever, but it became bedtime, finally.
This is usually a good time of the day. But now, it feels like something should be said.
Again, it is Conrad who speaks first.
He is sitting on the bed, pulling his boots off, and mumbles - to Yuuri or just thinking out loud, who knows - that he is tired, so tired…
Well, who wouldn’t be tired after a long day? But it’s not like a trip to Earth is exhausting. Yuuri wonders if this is the beginning of something he’s not going to like.
I don’t want to talk, I’m tired… Not tonight; I’ve got to get up early in the morning… No, Yuuri, I have a headache… Yuuri, I’m going to be late tomorrow; don’t wait up… Hey, this is my side of the bed…
No. Yuuri decides that he’s just imagining things. And even if he isn’t, he can’t have it that way. He won’t. Even if he has a feeling there’s no easy way to bridge that… emptiness he suddenly knows exists. Even if it is going to be very, very painful.
“Conrad”, he says and drops down on the floor between the soldier’s knees. “Hey, I wish… Do you know what I wish?” He takes Conrad’s hand. “I know it’s stupid, but I wish we could make a baby…”
Conrad is startled. His eyes go wide and he is speechless for a moment. He holds Yuuri’s hands harder and searches for words.
“Yuuri, I… I didn’t know you felt that way. Since when do you want a baby?”
“Um…” Yuuri thinks hard about what to say, but can’t come up with anything ‘elegant’ or ‘smart’. “I have never given it any serious thought before, to be honest. But I know that you want to have one.”
Conrad sighs. Then he shakes his head with a small smile. His eyes that look down into Yuuri’s are as warm and loving as ever, or maybe even more.
“So you know, do you? Well, that’s the consequence, I suppose, of sharing such an intimate bond with someone… I couldn’t keep a secret from you even if I wanted to!”
“Do you want to keep it a secret?” Yuuri is getting back to being anxious again. His heart is beating too fast.
“I didn’t say that”, Conrad looks thoughtful, or even troubled. “But I didn’t even know it myself, Yuuri! I felt something, you see. It’s not like I’ve never seen a baby before, but when I watched Shouri with his, it was like a giant tidal wave of emotions, and I wasn’t prepared…”
Conrad’s voice dies away. Yuuri, also, is not prepared; not prepared for the giant tsunami of emotions that washes over him from Conrad’s voice, even more now than when Conrad held the baby. A part of him wants to close his eyes or look away, but he looks into those familiar and so loved eyes, and tries to tell the man he loves without words that he would do anything to fulfil all his wishes. Or that he wants to do anything, even when he knows that he can’t.
“Yes”, Conrad says softly, “I hadn’t realized before, but I want to…”
“Of course”, Yuuri says, and it takes all of his strength to keep his voice steady and his eyes dry. “You would make a wonderful father, Conrad. And that is why I… why I would understand if you’d want to end this, with us, and find a woman, someone with whom you can…”
Yuuri can’t go on. He means every word of it, but his heart is breaking and no one, surely no one, can be expected to be able to speak when their heart is breaking and bleeding like this…
“Yuuri!” Conrad, sounding shocked, is still holding his hands, but for how long? “Yuuri, what kind of nonsense is this? Why would I ever want to be with anybody with you?”
“Because we’re both guys, and…”
“You are the one who always said you weren’t into guys”, Conrad says and tries to adapt a lighter tone, “so if anyone should be worried here…”
Yuuri smiles sheepishly, hesitatingly, “Yeah, but I was stupid and didn’t know any better.” His smile dies away. “Just like you didn’t know until today how you really feel about babies…”
“That is not at all the same thing”, Conrad says. “And what are you doing on the floor anyway? Come, sit!”
Conrad pulls him up and makes him sit on the bed. He puts his arm around Yuuri and pulls him closer.
“Please, don’t worry”, Conrad says. “I was just… shocked, I guess. It felt like something of a revelation, and I didn’t know how to talk about it. And I lied, you know. That kid looks a lot more like you than like Erika, and… that was painful. Of course, it’s perfectly natural and not a surprise that you and I can’t… But it still hurts, you know? I don’t know if I can explain.”
“I think I understand”, Yuuri replies and realizes that this is something they will have to live with.
“So, um…” Conrad hesitates, but Yuuri understands that, too.
“I don’t know”, he says. “I don’t know if I want… another child, a baby… I feel like I’m not even ready to think about it...”
“Of course not”, Conrad says quickly. “I understand that. You are still very young… I didn’t want to pressure you!”
“I know”, Yuuri says, and his mind drifts away for a moment. So if two guys do want to have a child together, what can they do? “It’s bound to be complicated anyway, right? There are like a billion questions…”
“Yes, yes.” Conrad hugs him tighter. “And we don’t have to talk about it right now. The important thing is that you know that I would never want to have a child with anyone but you. And even if you decide that you don’t want to, even in the future, I’d be okay with that, as long as we’re together.”
Yuuri sighs contently. Yes, that is the important thing. Suddenly there are big questions, huge questions, that are piling up over at the horizon, but even if he feels that he isn’t ready to face them at the moment, he knows that he will be some day, and maybe soon.
“Conrad…” he begins, but the man by his side silences him with a kiss.
“No, we shouldn’t talk about it anymore, not now.”
Yuuri kisses him back, “I was only going to say that I love you, know…”
Conrad falls down on the bad and pulls Yuuri with him. With his mouth closely pressed to Yuuri’s ear, he whispers a word that he can’t say out loud because it never fails to make Yuuri blush violently if he does. Even now, in their own bed, Yuuri blushes.
“Darling…” Conrad whispers.
It’s such an intimate, loving word. It says it all; it is all the feelings at once, and it is the whole world and all the promises in the universe in one single word. Right there and then, Conrad and Yuuri are the whole world to each other, and nothing is empty or broken.
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Rating|Genre: pg | slash, family/friendship, angst, fluff
Characters|Pairing: Yuuri, Conrad, Shouri, mentions others | Conrad/Yuuri, Shouri/OFC
Summary: Yuuri and Conrad visit Shouri on Earth. Things have changed in Shouri’s life, and perhaps it’s time for changes in Shin Makoku as well?
Word count: 3 391
Spoilers|Warnings: No.
Life is changing, on Earth as well as in Shin Makoku. Things that happen in Shin Makoku have a greater impact on Yuuri’s daily life, but the changes back in Japan are harder to keep up with. They seem harder to grasp, more mysterious somehow.
Shouri is married now. His wife Erika is a petite, cute girl who is often smiling. She likes to sing and her voice is strong and pure; she seems playful and Yuuri doesn’t doubt that she fills Shouri’s life with joy each day. That is all that he knows about Erika.
My big brother, Yuuri muses, when did he become this grown up and settled? But at some point, something huge and wonderful must have happened to him and Yuuri knows very little about it. He feels that Shouri, as always, has kept a closer watch on him and knows more about life in the other world, even if times passes more quickly there.
Shouri was visiting Shin Makoku the day Yuuri fell into Conrad’s arms and Conrad didn’t let go of him. Or, to be more precise, Shouri grabbed Yuuri’s arm that day and followed him and Murata when they when into the bathtub, as so many times before without an invitation. As if he had had a sixth sense somehow, as if he had known that something life-changing was about to happen and he just had to be there to witness it.
It was life-changing, of course it was, when Conrad and Yuuri confessed their love for each other. But on the other hand it felt so natural. What happened was not so much a change as a natural progress of a relationship that had always existed and would always continue to grow. Even a big brother so protective as Shouri could see it. At some point, he had a private conversation with Conrad, not even a very long one, that left Conrad with a content smile and the words: “I’m proud to be a part of your family.”
So, when Shouri’s first child is born, Yuuri and Conrad just have to be there.
***
While the mother is resting, Shouri takes care of the baby.
Yuuri watches with fascination how his brother handles the girl. She has been fed, she is wide awake and content; she blinks slowly and her little hands sometimes wave aimlessly in the air. All four of them are in the kitchen, where the sun comes in through big windows but it’s not too hot, just warm enough to be very pleasant to be there.
What a beautiful moment this is, Yuuri thinks.
“You always were good at looking after babies”, he comments, and remembers how his brother seemed to enjoy spending time with El.
“How is El doing these days?” Shouri asks as if he can read Yuuri’s mind. “And his parents?”
“They’re fine”, Yuuri says. “El is not even a baby anymore. He might not remember you… it’s been a long time, for him.”
“Yes, that’s normal”, Shouri replies, and Yuuri gets the distinct feeling that his brother is only partly listening to him. He seems to be ’listening’ more to what the baby communicates without words, just by being there. She is now the centre of Shouri and Erika’s world, and only after a couple of hours in their home, Yuuri feels that he is somewhat drawn into the circle as well, because a child of his brother is sort of a part of him, too. She is always going to be a part of his life now. And yet he is only in the periphery of the circle.
“I never knew that being an uncle could feel so… amazing”, he tries. He feels that those words are very poor, inadequate, but they’re the best he can offer right now.
“Yuu-chan, I think she looks a little bit like you when you were a baby”, Shouri says, and Yuuri can’t tell if he’s really serious or not. Has he ever been this cute? It’s hard to believe.
“I don’t see it at all”, Conrad protests. “She is definitely going to be a spitting image of her mother when she grows up.”
“That’s too soon to tell”, Shouri says, not willing to let go of his theory of family resemblance. “What are you, a psychic or something?”
“No”, Conrad says with a smile, “but I remember very clearly what Yuuri looked like when he was a baby.”
Shouri shoots him a glance and then quickly looks away, “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”
Conrad shrugs and looks at Yuuri, who smiles back at him. Yuuri can sort of see Shouri’s point - realizing just how long Conrad has known Yuuri might be a bit ‘creepy’, but it’s not like that at all.
“Speaking of being an uncle”, Shouri says, “how’s my niece doing these days?”
“Oh, Greta!” Yuuri smiles. “She’s getting more beautiful and taller every day.”
“She’s almost as tall as Yuuri now”, Conrad adds, “and she hasn’t stopped growing yet. Wolfram keeps teasing Yuuri about it.”
“I can’t help that I’m not as tall as some people”, Yuuri pouts, but he’s not really upset. These last few years, the banter with Wolfram has been friendlier and more fun, and definitely easier to take. Wolfram is a much better friend than a fiancé, at least in Yuuri’s opinion, and he is a good father to Greta.
My life, Yuuri thinks to himself, is pretty much perfect, except for the fact that my family lives in two different worlds. But no man can have it all, can he? I have as much as I can ever ask for…
“Maybe you want to hold your niece, Uncle Yuuri?” Shouri offers.
Of course he wants to.
This is not the first time Yuuri holds a baby, but it feels like a new situation anyway. It’s the first time he is holding a baby who is related to him. This makes it… special, doesn’t it? She’s so cute, this little one. She sucks her little lip in sometimes, and then it plops out, wet and pink, and she’s even cuter than she was one second ago…
Suddenly he finds himself wondering what Greta looked like when she was little. He rarely thinks about it, but of course he realizes that for most people, being a parent isn’t something they sort of stumble upon when somebody tries to attack and kill them; it usually starts with pregnancy and a baby. Yuuri is very happy about Greta and he loves her, but he just can’t imagine what it would have been like to live with a baby version of her…
The baby yawns and squeezes her eyes shut. It makes Yuuri anxious.
“Is she sleepy? Does she want to come back to you? Sometimes, it does happen that babies start crying if I look at them for too long…”
“She’s fine”, Shouri reassures him. “They won’t cry unless you scare them by doing something ridiculous. It’s fine to try to make them laugh when they’re older, but you have to be gentle with infants…”
“I know”, Yuuri says, “don’t lecture me. What about you?” Yuuri looks at Conrad. “Don’t you want to hold her, Conrad?”
Conrad looks away. He doesn’t reply at first, and when he does, his voice is strangely slow and tense.
“Oh, I don’t know… it feels strange, somehow, that these hands of a soldier should touch an innocent infant…”
Yuuri stares at him, “What kind of nonsense is that? You sound like Hube, or worse. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the hands of either of you…”
“Come on, Yuu-chan! It’s normal to feel insecure around babies; in fact, most of my friends feel that way. Even dad, you know! He’s like ‘Oh, I don’t know how to hold her!’ and mom keeps telling him what to do and not…”
“Yeah, but Conrad…”
Something is not right. Yuuri thinks about how Conrad, as far as he knows, has always been almost as good with babies as Shouri. Didn’t he practically raise Wolfram? Maybe he has suddenly stopped liking children? That doesn’t make any sense, though…
“So you don’t want to hold her? Conrad?”
Yuuri looks into his lover’s eyes, trying to understand what’s going on. It’s not that Conrad must hold the baby, and it’s not like he has to explain why he doesn’t want to… Maybe he feels that she is Yuuri’s niece, not his? Does he feel excluded, somehow? Has Yuuri or Shouri done something to make him feel bad?
As if Conrad can see that he is making Yuuri worry, he smiles apologetically. The smile is genuine, and it hides nothing: I’m sorry, I’m being silly, I do care about this child.
“I do want to hold her”, Conrad says. “Of course. If Shouri doesn’t mind.”
The smile fades then. Conrad’s face is calm, to the point of being almost blank. He takes the child with steady hands, hands that would never fail to protect and love, but Yuuri who knows him more intimately than anyone else sees a slight tremble in his face.
There is nothing awkward or insecure in the way he holds the baby close to his body; not too tightly, but steadily. He looks at her, and his eyes widen as if he is looking at a miracle. And in a way, he is… Yuuri feels that way about his niece, too.
The girl is just an infant and she won’t laugh or speak in a long time yet. She can’t know who it is that it is holding her, she can’t even keep her eyes focused on the same spot for a very long time, but she doesn’t seem uncomfortable in Conrad’s arms and it looks like she sees right into those warm eyes and reads a secret message there.
Or perhaps it is Yuuri who reads things into what he sees. He sees a smile slowly forming in Conrad’s face. It’s such a small, quiet smile, like the flicker of a tea candle’s flame, but it comes from within him and it looks like it means something…
When Yuuri sees it, he feels something break in him. He becomes aware of an empty space within him that he hadn’t even known existed.
This emptiness is the knowledge that there is something that Conrad wants that he can never give him.
Because we’re both guys, he thinks. Is this fair? What am I going to do? …Is there something I can do, if… if…
He can’t even find the words for the fear that has taken hold of him and he tries to push it out of his mind. He focuses on the memory of that day, years ago now, when Conrad and Shouri somehow became ‘brothers’ or something, the day when they spoke of ‘family’, and Yuuri thinks that Conrad is very happy, very, very happy, to be an uncle to this child.
“Come here now”, he says, suddenly selfishly desperate to break that bond that is forming right before his eyes, “come back to uncle Yuuri now!”
Conrad does not object. He hands over the little niece and takes a step back. Yuuri notices in the corner of his eye that Shouri takes quite a big step forward, but he ignores it. He just murmurs softly; nonsensical words about how cute the baby is. He doesn’t try to make a ‘funny face’ or make ‘funny sounds’ or anything stupid like that.
The baby starts to whimper soon and Yuuri lets the father take over before she starts crying too loudly.
“There, there”, Shouri says softly, “let’s get that diaper changed before we wake Mommy up. Mommy needs to rest, see…”
To Yuuri, it feels like he and Conrad don’t exist anymore. Not even to each other. Conrad stares out the window as if the rather dull view of other houses identical to Shouri’s is suddenly very interesting.
What is he looking at? What is he thinking? Yuuri doesn’t ask. He tries to think of something to say, anything to break the sudden silence, but is Conrad who finally does it.
He turns away from the window and wraps Yuuri in a tight embrace, and whispers, with his mouth close to Yuuri’s ear: “I love you so very much, you know…”
Yuuri knows. He knows that as long as he’s with Conrad, he’ll be safe anywhere in any world.
But he isn’t calm. They stay like that for a long time, because Shouri takes ‘baby maintenance’ very seriously. When he comes back, they have both put their cheerful faces on.
***
Later, when they are back in the King’s bedchamber in the castle, silence falls between them again.
They have left the chatter of people behind. It feels like a day has passed, but in Shin Makoku, people have been waiting impatiently for their return and for news about the baby. Greta is happy and amazed by the pictures Yuuri brought - he didn’t have time to get any photos developed, but Shouri has a good enough printer - and would have wanted to talk about her little cousin forever, but it became bedtime, finally.
This is usually a good time of the day. But now, it feels like something should be said.
Again, it is Conrad who speaks first.
He is sitting on the bed, pulling his boots off, and mumbles - to Yuuri or just thinking out loud, who knows - that he is tired, so tired…
Well, who wouldn’t be tired after a long day? But it’s not like a trip to Earth is exhausting. Yuuri wonders if this is the beginning of something he’s not going to like.
I don’t want to talk, I’m tired… Not tonight; I’ve got to get up early in the morning… No, Yuuri, I have a headache… Yuuri, I’m going to be late tomorrow; don’t wait up… Hey, this is my side of the bed…
No. Yuuri decides that he’s just imagining things. And even if he isn’t, he can’t have it that way. He won’t. Even if he has a feeling there’s no easy way to bridge that… emptiness he suddenly knows exists. Even if it is going to be very, very painful.
“Conrad”, he says and drops down on the floor between the soldier’s knees. “Hey, I wish… Do you know what I wish?” He takes Conrad’s hand. “I know it’s stupid, but I wish we could make a baby…”
Conrad is startled. His eyes go wide and he is speechless for a moment. He holds Yuuri’s hands harder and searches for words.
“Yuuri, I… I didn’t know you felt that way. Since when do you want a baby?”
“Um…” Yuuri thinks hard about what to say, but can’t come up with anything ‘elegant’ or ‘smart’. “I have never given it any serious thought before, to be honest. But I know that you want to have one.”
Conrad sighs. Then he shakes his head with a small smile. His eyes that look down into Yuuri’s are as warm and loving as ever, or maybe even more.
“So you know, do you? Well, that’s the consequence, I suppose, of sharing such an intimate bond with someone… I couldn’t keep a secret from you even if I wanted to!”
“Do you want to keep it a secret?” Yuuri is getting back to being anxious again. His heart is beating too fast.
“I didn’t say that”, Conrad looks thoughtful, or even troubled. “But I didn’t even know it myself, Yuuri! I felt something, you see. It’s not like I’ve never seen a baby before, but when I watched Shouri with his, it was like a giant tidal wave of emotions, and I wasn’t prepared…”
Conrad’s voice dies away. Yuuri, also, is not prepared; not prepared for the giant tsunami of emotions that washes over him from Conrad’s voice, even more now than when Conrad held the baby. A part of him wants to close his eyes or look away, but he looks into those familiar and so loved eyes, and tries to tell the man he loves without words that he would do anything to fulfil all his wishes. Or that he wants to do anything, even when he knows that he can’t.
“Yes”, Conrad says softly, “I hadn’t realized before, but I want to…”
“Of course”, Yuuri says, and it takes all of his strength to keep his voice steady and his eyes dry. “You would make a wonderful father, Conrad. And that is why I… why I would understand if you’d want to end this, with us, and find a woman, someone with whom you can…”
Yuuri can’t go on. He means every word of it, but his heart is breaking and no one, surely no one, can be expected to be able to speak when their heart is breaking and bleeding like this…
“Yuuri!” Conrad, sounding shocked, is still holding his hands, but for how long? “Yuuri, what kind of nonsense is this? Why would I ever want to be with anybody with you?”
“Because we’re both guys, and…”
“You are the one who always said you weren’t into guys”, Conrad says and tries to adapt a lighter tone, “so if anyone should be worried here…”
Yuuri smiles sheepishly, hesitatingly, “Yeah, but I was stupid and didn’t know any better.” His smile dies away. “Just like you didn’t know until today how you really feel about babies…”
“That is not at all the same thing”, Conrad says. “And what are you doing on the floor anyway? Come, sit!”
Conrad pulls him up and makes him sit on the bed. He puts his arm around Yuuri and pulls him closer.
“Please, don’t worry”, Conrad says. “I was just… shocked, I guess. It felt like something of a revelation, and I didn’t know how to talk about it. And I lied, you know. That kid looks a lot more like you than like Erika, and… that was painful. Of course, it’s perfectly natural and not a surprise that you and I can’t… But it still hurts, you know? I don’t know if I can explain.”
“I think I understand”, Yuuri replies and realizes that this is something they will have to live with.
“So, um…” Conrad hesitates, but Yuuri understands that, too.
“I don’t know”, he says. “I don’t know if I want… another child, a baby… I feel like I’m not even ready to think about it...”
“Of course not”, Conrad says quickly. “I understand that. You are still very young… I didn’t want to pressure you!”
“I know”, Yuuri says, and his mind drifts away for a moment. So if two guys do want to have a child together, what can they do? “It’s bound to be complicated anyway, right? There are like a billion questions…”
“Yes, yes.” Conrad hugs him tighter. “And we don’t have to talk about it right now. The important thing is that you know that I would never want to have a child with anyone but you. And even if you decide that you don’t want to, even in the future, I’d be okay with that, as long as we’re together.”
Yuuri sighs contently. Yes, that is the important thing. Suddenly there are big questions, huge questions, that are piling up over at the horizon, but even if he feels that he isn’t ready to face them at the moment, he knows that he will be some day, and maybe soon.
“Conrad…” he begins, but the man by his side silences him with a kiss.
“No, we shouldn’t talk about it anymore, not now.”
Yuuri kisses him back, “I was only going to say that I love you, know…”
Conrad falls down on the bad and pulls Yuuri with him. With his mouth closely pressed to Yuuri’s ear, he whispers a word that he can’t say out loud because it never fails to make Yuuri blush violently if he does. Even now, in their own bed, Yuuri blushes.
“Darling…” Conrad whispers.
It’s such an intimate, loving word. It says it all; it is all the feelings at once, and it is the whole world and all the promises in the universe in one single word. Right there and then, Conrad and Yuuri are the whole world to each other, and nothing is empty or broken.