UPDATE: French Runway: 4. So Far Away
Title: French Runway: 4. So Far Away
Fandom: The Devil Wears Prada
Rating | Genre: g | femslash, AU, romance
Characters | Pairings: Andy, Miranda, Emily, Serena, Nate | Andy/Miranda, Emily/Serena, past Andy/Nate
Summary: Andy lives with Nate in Paris, where she works as Jacqueline’s second assistant and life is good. Now, she has fallen in love and finds herself in a long distance relationship with Miranda. Is she ready to take the step to move back to New York for the sake of love? Does Miranda really want her love, or does she only need an assistant who can truly understand her? In the meantime, Emily’s LDR is progressing… The story alternates between Andy’s and Emily’s point of view.
Word count: 3 861
Spoilers | Warnings: No. | Some parts of this chapter are a little bit angsty.
Notes: Very late fic for punky_96 and fandomaid’s Help Japan auction.
Notes2: Because all the ladies in this story are in long distance relationships, the song La première étoile (“The first star”) is appropriate. You know; the one you love might be on the other side of the world, but you look up on the same sky… (Yes, I know; it’s terribly sentimental, but if you’ve ever been in that situation, you know that that’s how you feel while it lasts…)
I know it’s been forever since I began writing this story. I’m really sorry but I haven’t been in the mood at all! But I won’t bore anyone with excuses. Here are the previous chapters if you need to catch up or refresh your memory, if anyone still remembers this at all!
Part one: I Love Paris.
Part two: Champs Elysées
Part three: The Dinner
Andy did not move out from the apartment she shared with her now ex boyfriend. Nate didn’t want her to; he didn’t want her to rush into anything. She agreed, sort of - she was a romantic, but not that romantic, and what she had said to Miranda was true: She needed time to think and make arrangement. Besides, Nate was her best friend and he hadn’t done anything wrong, so she felt she owed it to him to be gentle.
They went to see a movie one night. Afterwards she thought Nate had chosen it for tactical reasons. It was Midnight In Paris, a Woody Allen movie about a guy who traveled back in time to the Paris of his dreams and met all the great writers and artist of the twenties. Andy and Nate laughed because they were just like that guy; Americans who had fallen in love with Paris and enjoyed every little detail of it as if they were living in a fairytale.
It rained when they walked back home and that made Andy laugh even more.
“That guy in the movie was absolutely right. Paris is beautiful in the rain!”
“That’s just because you’re a romantic like him”, Nate said. “But I disagree. What’s good about rain? It’s because you’re stuck in the same fantasy about writing and living a bohemian artist life, walking the streets where Gertrude Stein once walked, and so on… I don’t think like that. I love Paris because I’m happy here, doing what I enjoy the most. It just happened to be Paris that welcomed me and let me build a life here. I could just as well have been happy in Boston or Berlin…”
“Or Beijing”, Andy added, still laughing.
“Yes”, Nate replied, dead serious now. “But it’s none of those places. It’s Paris. I won’t leave, ever. Everything is good here; I don’t understand how you can want to leave just because of some old woman when you love Paris so much…” His voice died away but she heard the unspoken words: and you used to say that you loved me…
Andy and Nate crossed a bridge - the bridge from the last scene of the movie, wasn’t it? - and Andy sighed and shook her head. Her hair was already soaking wet and she took her umbrella out of the bag.
Nate was right that she did like the vision of a writer’s life in Paris, but at the same time, that was like a mental image that wasn’t quite real.
“But it’s like we’re just playing”, she tried to explain. “It’s true that it’s good to be here, but it’s just a place and I can just as well write in New York. You’re the one who is romanticizing Paris. I want my real life to start.”
Nate took her arm and pressed himself closer to her so he could be sheltered by the umbrella, too.
“I don’t understand you”, he says. “It’s like you’re changing right before my eyes. I thought you wanted this” -- he made a vague gesture with his free hand to the Seine or the streetlights or the rain - “but suddenly you’re saying that it isn’t real…”
Andy didn’t reply. What could she say to make him understand, when she barely could figure it out herself? It had happened so quickly and without warning, but it was true that Miranda, during that short time they had spent together, had made her feel something Nate didn’t make her feel anymore.
Or perhaps she had never truly felt it with him?
It made her want to cry when she thought about it. She wanted to cry because she knew she was hurting him, but also because she was afraid that Miranda’s interest in her wasn’t going to last.
But sometimes she was awake in the early morning and she hadn’t even slept at all, because it was late in the evening where Miranda was, and it was almost only then that Miranda had time to be online and talk to her directly on the chat. Sometimes, Miranda wrote her short emails during the days, but chatting was so much better.
Miranda had kept her promise and didn’t pressure Andy. But they also didn’t talk about love. Miranda told her about her children and her dog, Patricia. Andy asked a lot of questions, and told her about her friends and her evening classes in creative writing and how challenging it was to write in French. They talked about literature and music and Andy sent You Tube links to videos with bands Miranda mostly hated but sometimes liked, and Miranda said she appreciated how Andy tried to widen her horizons.
All of it made Andy smile. Sometimes she laughed out loud and almost wanted to tell Nate about it, but Nate wouldn’t understand and he would only be offended. Why did she care that much about the antics of a dog and two little children she had never even met? But Andy felt like she was getting to know Caroline and Cassidy through Miranda’s words.
Between the lines there was affection, and even attraction, but it still made Andy want to cry sometimes, when she wondered if maybe Miranda was happy with the way things were, if she had forgotten that she had wanted Andy to be closer. She knew it didn’t make sense to be sad because she was the one who had said no when Miranda had wanted her to come immediately…
***
“Miranda, I’m sorry, it took me a moment to find this, but here it… is…”
Emily’s voice died away. She knew that she talked too much and too quickly when she got nervous - and being a minute late with something still made her nervous; this was Miranda she was working for! - and Miranda never hesitated to interrupt her with just one hard look, sometimes followed by a harsh word.
But this time, her boss didn’t say anything and she didn’t even look up, as if she didn’t need that folder anymore.
“Um, Miranda?”
The rule was: Never ask Miranda any questions. But that wasn’t a question, was it?
Without looking up, without a word, Miranda extended her right arm and Emily walked up to the desk to put the piece of paper in her waiting hand. Miranda then looked up for a moment and Emily froze in astonishment before she very quickly looked away.
No, Miranda was not crying. But her eyes were shiny, watery, a bit red, as if she was about to burst into tears any minute. Emily didn’t doubt that Miranda would kill her on the spot if she stayed there to witness it.
“That’s all,” Miranda said, and Emily didn’t need to be told twice to get out of the room.
***
Mpriestly: So, you don’t feel very talkative today, do you?
Parisandy: No. Sorry.
Mpriestly: Is someone else there with you?
23:49
Parisandy: Yes.
23:50
Mpriestly: Okay. Why don’t we say goodbye for now, then.
You can get back to me when you feel like giving me more than one word answers again.
Parisandy: I’m sorry! I’m just going through a hard time right now, that’s all.
Mpriestly: I understand, but why don’t you want to talk to me about it?
Is it because of something I said?
I know that I don’t always say the right things, I’m not good with words… I’m sorry.
Parisandy: No, it’s not about that!
It’s not your fault, please, don’t think that, Miranda.
23:52
Mpriestly: Okay. If you say so.
I’ve got to go, I have work to do. See you… Goodbye.
Miranda logged out of the chat before Andy had time to type anything more. Andy’s head fell down on the desk and she muttered inappropriate words between her teeth. Miranda was hurt. Even through the internet, voiceless, imageless, she could feel it, and she groaned.
It was difficult enough with Nate, to live with him without being his girlfriend. He didn’t understand why anything had to change. A long distance relationship with another woman? He didn’t understand it, he didn’t see the point, and naturally, he was not thrilled about living with a girl who didn’t want to have sex anymore, who didn’t even want kisses or hugs. Andy could understand that he was hurt.
And now, Miranda was hurt, too. Because Andy didn’t know how to talk to her about… stuff. They didn’t know each other that well yet. She adored Miranda, that much was obvious, but what about the rest? She did still have feelings for Nate, or at least she thought so, sometimes. And she loved living in Paris, and Jacqueline wasn’t a bad boss, and how was she going to explain it all to her parents?
She wasn’t even sure about what Miranda wanted. Did she want a girlfriend, or did she really just want an assistant who could work harder and better than any other, just because no one else could understand her the way Andy could? They had had a week together. A week when Andy had worked for her, followed by one dinner date/job interview, a walk and a kiss… and a couple of months of chatting. Was that enough, enough to know for sure?
Andy sighed deeply and wanted to… she didn’t know what; scream, break something. It was too soon to think about her parents, about the future. And yet she had to think about it, because Miranda was on the other side of the Atlantic ocean, and if Andy wanted to be with her, she had to make certain big and difficult decisions…
She looked up again - she thought she must have a mark on her forehead from where she had hit the desk - and saw that the chat was blinking furiously in the corner of the computer screen. Miranda had logged back in without her noticing it, the sound was turned off.
23:59
Mpriestly: What if I come to Paris? Will you talk to me then?
I could do that, you know. I would.
00:02
Mpriestly: ?
00:03
Mpriestly: Andrea, I know you’re there. I can see that you’re still online. Should I not have said that? Don’t you want me to come? If that’s how you feel, just say so.
00:05
Mpriestly: Andrea, where are you?
00:06
Andy’s heart was beating hard. Everything felt so easy all of a sudden, and so complicated.
Parisandy: Yes!!! smiles
I’m sorry, I looked away for a moment, I didn’t notice you came back.
00:07
Mpriestly: So you want me to come?
Parisandy: Yes, I would like that. I would like that a lot. smiles
Mpriestly: Good. We’ll talk about it later, now I really have to get back to work. And you should get some sleep now, shouldn’t you?
Parisandy: It’s past midnight. But I don’t care.
Mpriestly: You should care. And if you don’t care, I do - for Jacqueline’s sake. Goodnight, Andrea.
Parisandy: Goodnight…
Andy let her fingers rest on the keyboard. Her fingers itched to keep on typing. Miranda wanted to come to her, just like that, hop on a plane and come, completely not work-related, but come to her! Andy wanted to type ‘I love you’ but she didn’t dare.
She typed it anyway, but didn’t send. She typed it and deleted it, twice…
00:11
Mpriestly: Andrea, what are you typing? I can see that you are typing something. Send it or go to bed!
Parisandy: I’m on my way!!
But you’re not logged out yet yourself… Go to work, Miranda!
giggles
Mpriestly: Silly girl…
Parisandy: Yes…
00:12
Miranda… Thank you.
For coming.
You make me happy.
00:14
Mpriestly: I am glad to hear that.
Because I want to do that.
Make you happy.
Parisandy: smiles
00:16
Mpriestly: I have got to go now. I have a meeting.
And you should go to bed.
Parisandy: Yes. Are you giving the computer screen a Dragon Lady glare right now?
Sorry. I don’t mean to keep you from your meeting.
I’m going to bed now!
Mpriestly: Goodnight, my Andrea. Sleep well.
Parisandy: <3
00:17
Mpriestly: You make me smile. Goodbye.
Miranda was logged out, and Andy did the same. Nate was not home yet so Andy could take the bed… but she went to the couch instead.
She hadn’t said ‘I love you’ but she had sent Miranda a little heart and the chat turned it pink. What did Miranda think of that? Something, obviously, because she hadn’t replied immediately… but then she said ‘You make me smile’ and Andy knew from experience that that was something big, coming from Miranda.
She is coming back to me! Andy’s heart was singing. She knew that it meant that things were getting really serious. She knew that things had happened very fast between them.
But she felt ready for it.
***
The office was buzzing with whispers, with rumors, with half-baked theories and wild guesses. Why was Miranda going to take a whole week off?! It was strange, and perhaps even worrying - could it mean that the magazine was in danger, that the ship was sinking, that the captain didn’t care anymore? They did live in troubled times, after all… On the other hand, if something like that was happening, surely someone other than Miranda would know about it? Perhaps she was going through some kind of private crisis, having trouble with the kids, having a nervous breakdown? Or perhaps she was in love?
Some people even set up a betting pool.
Emily didn’t take part in the office gossip. She couldn’t care less about what Miranda was up to; it only troubled her that Miranda was obviously up to something, because she figured that would weaken her already very weak chance of getting a week off herself.
Even fully aware of this, Emily felt that she had to take the risk of asking Miranda for a short leave of absence. Serena wanted to visit her in New York. Even if Miranda was going to be angry at her for asking, she had to do it.
“Yes, I don’t see why not”, was Miranda’s unexpected reply to the request. “This is not a particularly busy time of year anyway. You may take a week off next month.”
Emily couldn’t believe her ears. When were they not busy at Runway? Normally, Miranda would be hard-pressed to give anyone leave to go to their mother’s funeral, but Miranda hadn’t even asked for a reason.
“Um, who are you and what have you done to my boss?” Emily said, and she instantly wanted to bite her tongue off and sink through the ground.
“Excuse me?” Miranda said, and a cold winter’s breeze from Siberia seemed to sweep through the room. Despite the suddenly so cool atmosphere, Emily blushed and felt hotter than hell. What was she thinking, saying something like that? Even if Miranda had been mysteriously replaced by an identical twin who did unpredictable things, this twin knew how to play her part…
Oh my god, stop thinking these ridiculous thoughts! Emily tried to tell herself.
“I’m so sorry, Miranda, thank you so much!”
“That’s all”, Miranda said, and she was absolutely right. Emily just wanted to forget about the boss, about her work; she wanted nothing more than to run to the computer and officially invite Serena to New York and tell her to buy the tickets immediately.
There was, however, a setback when she told Serena the great news the next day, a Saturday when Serena wasn’t at work. No, more than that; a terrible blow that made Emily feel drained, as if her heart truly was bleeding and spilling all her blood out on the floor.
Serena’s reaction was not the expected one.
Aneres: Oh, Emily, I don’t know what to say…
TheRealEmily: Um… How about ‘yay, I’m so happy!!’ or something like that? ;)
11:32
Aneres: I am happy that you want me to come to see you in person. I’m glad it’s possible, except… it’s really not. That’s why I’m unhappy right now.
TheRealEmily: What’s that supposed to mean?
Aneres: I can’t afford it, Emily. You know it’s a long trip… across the Atlantic ocean and all. I’m sorry.
Emily mulled this over as the world around her turned pitch dark; the hope of seeing Serena again had been the light that had illuminated her whole life for months, and then… How could this happen?
11:35
Aneres: Say something…
TheRealEmily: But I don’t understand. We’ve talked about this before. You said you wanted to come.
Aneres I did! Because I do!
Oh, Emily… sighs I’m sorry; I know this must be hard for you. It is for me as well. I don’t know what to say. I guess I… didn’t really expect it to be possible, with your boss and everything…
11:37
TheRealEmily: so it’s really impossible?
Aneres: Yes…
TheRealEmily: Why? I mean, I don’t want to pry into your finances, but… you have a good job; you’re a doctor…
Aneres: Yes, but I have responsibilities, other people to think about. I can’t afford to spend that kind of money on airplane tickets.
TheRealEmily: serena, do you have kids that you haven’t told me about??!!
Aneres: No!! Emily, no, it’s not like that. But my family is… poor, to be honest. My mother’s job isn’t very well-paid, and my father is unemployed. I have two younger brothers who are still teenagers. I don’t have kids, but in a way, they sort of are my kids… you know this; I’ve told you that I practically raised them, so…
TheRealEmily: Yes, I get it!
Wow, Emily thought. I didn’t see this coming… Serena had seemed to want to be with her in person again, hadn’t she? Why hadn’t she mentioned that it was just a dream? Was it that she didn’t take it seriously, that she didn’t want it as much as Emily had believed? Or did she want it so much that she had tried to make the truth go away by refusing to think about it? If that was the case…
11:41
TheRealEmily: What if money wasn’t an issue? If you did have the money, would you want to come?
Aneres: Yes, of course.
TheRealEmily: Then how about this - I’ll pay for your trip and all your expenses. I can do it, Serena. I want to do it; I want you to be here with me!
11:44
Aneres: I don’t know what to say, to be honest. The thought that you would spend that kind of money on me…
TheRealEmily: I’ll be happy to do it! I’d do anything for you.
Aneres: The thought of accepting such a generous offer is… painful to me.
Emily stared at the computer screen. It was becoming blurry because her eyes were filled with hot, prickling tears. So it was painful to Serena? What about Emily’s pain?! She chewed on her lower lip, bit it hard, trying to stop herself from crying violently, from hyperventilating.
11:47
TheRealEmily: It is not generosity, it is love. Can’t you see that? Your family accepts your money because they love you and they know that you love them. I just want to do the same thing for you. Why is that so painful? I love you.
Aneres: I love you, too.
The words on the screen didn’t have any sound, but to Emily, it felt like they were shouting out loud. So Serena did love her?! They had finally confessed their true feelings, and it wasn’t just for fun, just a game?
Everything has to be easier from now on, Emily told herself, and her heart was beating hard, hard, inside her chest.
She confessed that she was crying, just a bit, over at her side of the Atlantic. But it was another kind of tears… warm, happy tears that didn’t sting; she didn’t feel them at all, except for the wet traces they left on her cheeks
Aneres: I’m crying, too.
TheRealEmily: I’m also blushing like crazy…. :)
Aneres: So am I!! I love you, Emily…
TheRealEmily: I can’t believe it. smiles I’ve finally said that I love you! And you… blushes You feel the same way? blushes
Aneres: I do! And I wish I could hold you right now… I wish I could see your face…
TheRealEmily: Oh god, no! ;) My face is wet and flustered; I probably look like a maniac…
Aneres: laughs softly That makes two of us… <3
Emily had to look away, and breathe, and wipe her face and try to compose herself, if that was at all possible. Something about her was about to explode, or had exploded already: happiness and pain and overwhelming joy and fear…
11:59
TheRealEmily: smiles through the tears <3 <3 <3
12:00
Aneres: I’m glad we’ve finally confessed. When did you know?
TheRealEmily: That I love you? It happened gradually, I think…
Aneres: I think I fell in love with you right from the start.
TheRealEmily: Ohmygod, Serena… blushes I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you… I’m happy…
Aneres: Me, too. It’s a bit scary, though. I mean, because we are so far apart…
TheRealEmily: I know. sighs I am happy right now, but… I am also unhappy, because the thought of accepting my money is so painful to you. I just wish that you were here.
12:05
Aneres: Yes. And… the thought of not being with you is even more painful…
Emily stopped breathing for a moment. Did it mean what she thought it meant?
TheRealEmily: So you’ll do it? You accept?
Aneres: Yes!
And that was it, except for arranging all the details, which happened in a sort of haze and Emily was grinning like a fool.
She wasn’t sure about what was going to happen, she wasn’t sure about anything, but she knew that she felt more alive and more hopeful than ever before, and she knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again.
With a corner of her mind, she was afraid that she was hoping for too much, that it might be different when she finally met Serena in person again, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually believe in that little doubtful voice inside of her. It was just her low self-esteem talking; if Serena said she love her, then she did.
A line from a poem Emily had read a long time ago in some old book overshadowed the silly doubt: She is coming, my dove, my dear; she is coming, my life, my fate…
***
Author’s Notes: To be honest, I had no idea that the poem Emily is thinking about is that long! But I just looked it up… I have only ever read this part, as it’s quoted in Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own:
There has fallen a splendid tear
From the passion-flower at the gate.
She is coming, my dove, my dear;
She is coming, my life, my fate.
The red rose cries, "She is near, she is near;"
And the white rose weeps, "She is late;"
The larkspur listens, "I hear, I hear;"
And the lily whispers, "I wait."
From Songs From Maud, by Alfred Tennyson.
Fandom: The Devil Wears Prada
Rating | Genre: g | femslash, AU, romance
Characters | Pairings: Andy, Miranda, Emily, Serena, Nate | Andy/Miranda, Emily/Serena, past Andy/Nate
Summary: Andy lives with Nate in Paris, where she works as Jacqueline’s second assistant and life is good. Now, she has fallen in love and finds herself in a long distance relationship with Miranda. Is she ready to take the step to move back to New York for the sake of love? Does Miranda really want her love, or does she only need an assistant who can truly understand her? In the meantime, Emily’s LDR is progressing… The story alternates between Andy’s and Emily’s point of view.
Word count: 3 861
Spoilers | Warnings: No. | Some parts of this chapter are a little bit angsty.
Notes: Very late fic for punky_96 and fandomaid’s Help Japan auction.
Notes2: Because all the ladies in this story are in long distance relationships, the song La première étoile (“The first star”) is appropriate. You know; the one you love might be on the other side of the world, but you look up on the same sky… (Yes, I know; it’s terribly sentimental, but if you’ve ever been in that situation, you know that that’s how you feel while it lasts…)
I know it’s been forever since I began writing this story. I’m really sorry but I haven’t been in the mood at all! But I won’t bore anyone with excuses. Here are the previous chapters if you need to catch up or refresh your memory, if anyone still remembers this at all!
Part one: I Love Paris.
Part two: Champs Elysées
Part three: The Dinner
Andy did not move out from the apartment she shared with her now ex boyfriend. Nate didn’t want her to; he didn’t want her to rush into anything. She agreed, sort of - she was a romantic, but not that romantic, and what she had said to Miranda was true: She needed time to think and make arrangement. Besides, Nate was her best friend and he hadn’t done anything wrong, so she felt she owed it to him to be gentle.
They went to see a movie one night. Afterwards she thought Nate had chosen it for tactical reasons. It was Midnight In Paris, a Woody Allen movie about a guy who traveled back in time to the Paris of his dreams and met all the great writers and artist of the twenties. Andy and Nate laughed because they were just like that guy; Americans who had fallen in love with Paris and enjoyed every little detail of it as if they were living in a fairytale.
It rained when they walked back home and that made Andy laugh even more.
“That guy in the movie was absolutely right. Paris is beautiful in the rain!”
“That’s just because you’re a romantic like him”, Nate said. “But I disagree. What’s good about rain? It’s because you’re stuck in the same fantasy about writing and living a bohemian artist life, walking the streets where Gertrude Stein once walked, and so on… I don’t think like that. I love Paris because I’m happy here, doing what I enjoy the most. It just happened to be Paris that welcomed me and let me build a life here. I could just as well have been happy in Boston or Berlin…”
“Or Beijing”, Andy added, still laughing.
“Yes”, Nate replied, dead serious now. “But it’s none of those places. It’s Paris. I won’t leave, ever. Everything is good here; I don’t understand how you can want to leave just because of some old woman when you love Paris so much…” His voice died away but she heard the unspoken words: and you used to say that you loved me…
Andy and Nate crossed a bridge - the bridge from the last scene of the movie, wasn’t it? - and Andy sighed and shook her head. Her hair was already soaking wet and she took her umbrella out of the bag.
Nate was right that she did like the vision of a writer’s life in Paris, but at the same time, that was like a mental image that wasn’t quite real.
“But it’s like we’re just playing”, she tried to explain. “It’s true that it’s good to be here, but it’s just a place and I can just as well write in New York. You’re the one who is romanticizing Paris. I want my real life to start.”
Nate took her arm and pressed himself closer to her so he could be sheltered by the umbrella, too.
“I don’t understand you”, he says. “It’s like you’re changing right before my eyes. I thought you wanted this” -- he made a vague gesture with his free hand to the Seine or the streetlights or the rain - “but suddenly you’re saying that it isn’t real…”
Andy didn’t reply. What could she say to make him understand, when she barely could figure it out herself? It had happened so quickly and without warning, but it was true that Miranda, during that short time they had spent together, had made her feel something Nate didn’t make her feel anymore.
Or perhaps she had never truly felt it with him?
It made her want to cry when she thought about it. She wanted to cry because she knew she was hurting him, but also because she was afraid that Miranda’s interest in her wasn’t going to last.
But sometimes she was awake in the early morning and she hadn’t even slept at all, because it was late in the evening where Miranda was, and it was almost only then that Miranda had time to be online and talk to her directly on the chat. Sometimes, Miranda wrote her short emails during the days, but chatting was so much better.
Miranda had kept her promise and didn’t pressure Andy. But they also didn’t talk about love. Miranda told her about her children and her dog, Patricia. Andy asked a lot of questions, and told her about her friends and her evening classes in creative writing and how challenging it was to write in French. They talked about literature and music and Andy sent You Tube links to videos with bands Miranda mostly hated but sometimes liked, and Miranda said she appreciated how Andy tried to widen her horizons.
All of it made Andy smile. Sometimes she laughed out loud and almost wanted to tell Nate about it, but Nate wouldn’t understand and he would only be offended. Why did she care that much about the antics of a dog and two little children she had never even met? But Andy felt like she was getting to know Caroline and Cassidy through Miranda’s words.
Between the lines there was affection, and even attraction, but it still made Andy want to cry sometimes, when she wondered if maybe Miranda was happy with the way things were, if she had forgotten that she had wanted Andy to be closer. She knew it didn’t make sense to be sad because she was the one who had said no when Miranda had wanted her to come immediately…
***
“Miranda, I’m sorry, it took me a moment to find this, but here it… is…”
Emily’s voice died away. She knew that she talked too much and too quickly when she got nervous - and being a minute late with something still made her nervous; this was Miranda she was working for! - and Miranda never hesitated to interrupt her with just one hard look, sometimes followed by a harsh word.
But this time, her boss didn’t say anything and she didn’t even look up, as if she didn’t need that folder anymore.
“Um, Miranda?”
The rule was: Never ask Miranda any questions. But that wasn’t a question, was it?
Without looking up, without a word, Miranda extended her right arm and Emily walked up to the desk to put the piece of paper in her waiting hand. Miranda then looked up for a moment and Emily froze in astonishment before she very quickly looked away.
No, Miranda was not crying. But her eyes were shiny, watery, a bit red, as if she was about to burst into tears any minute. Emily didn’t doubt that Miranda would kill her on the spot if she stayed there to witness it.
“That’s all,” Miranda said, and Emily didn’t need to be told twice to get out of the room.
***
Mpriestly: So, you don’t feel very talkative today, do you?
Parisandy: No. Sorry.
Mpriestly: Is someone else there with you?
23:49
Parisandy: Yes.
23:50
Mpriestly: Okay. Why don’t we say goodbye for now, then.
You can get back to me when you feel like giving me more than one word answers again.
Parisandy: I’m sorry! I’m just going through a hard time right now, that’s all.
Mpriestly: I understand, but why don’t you want to talk to me about it?
Is it because of something I said?
I know that I don’t always say the right things, I’m not good with words… I’m sorry.
Parisandy: No, it’s not about that!
It’s not your fault, please, don’t think that, Miranda.
23:52
Mpriestly: Okay. If you say so.
I’ve got to go, I have work to do. See you… Goodbye.
Miranda logged out of the chat before Andy had time to type anything more. Andy’s head fell down on the desk and she muttered inappropriate words between her teeth. Miranda was hurt. Even through the internet, voiceless, imageless, she could feel it, and she groaned.
It was difficult enough with Nate, to live with him without being his girlfriend. He didn’t understand why anything had to change. A long distance relationship with another woman? He didn’t understand it, he didn’t see the point, and naturally, he was not thrilled about living with a girl who didn’t want to have sex anymore, who didn’t even want kisses or hugs. Andy could understand that he was hurt.
And now, Miranda was hurt, too. Because Andy didn’t know how to talk to her about… stuff. They didn’t know each other that well yet. She adored Miranda, that much was obvious, but what about the rest? She did still have feelings for Nate, or at least she thought so, sometimes. And she loved living in Paris, and Jacqueline wasn’t a bad boss, and how was she going to explain it all to her parents?
She wasn’t even sure about what Miranda wanted. Did she want a girlfriend, or did she really just want an assistant who could work harder and better than any other, just because no one else could understand her the way Andy could? They had had a week together. A week when Andy had worked for her, followed by one dinner date/job interview, a walk and a kiss… and a couple of months of chatting. Was that enough, enough to know for sure?
Andy sighed deeply and wanted to… she didn’t know what; scream, break something. It was too soon to think about her parents, about the future. And yet she had to think about it, because Miranda was on the other side of the Atlantic ocean, and if Andy wanted to be with her, she had to make certain big and difficult decisions…
She looked up again - she thought she must have a mark on her forehead from where she had hit the desk - and saw that the chat was blinking furiously in the corner of the computer screen. Miranda had logged back in without her noticing it, the sound was turned off.
23:59
Mpriestly: What if I come to Paris? Will you talk to me then?
I could do that, you know. I would.
00:02
Mpriestly: ?
00:03
Mpriestly: Andrea, I know you’re there. I can see that you’re still online. Should I not have said that? Don’t you want me to come? If that’s how you feel, just say so.
00:05
Mpriestly: Andrea, where are you?
00:06
Andy’s heart was beating hard. Everything felt so easy all of a sudden, and so complicated.
Parisandy: Yes!!! smiles
I’m sorry, I looked away for a moment, I didn’t notice you came back.
00:07
Mpriestly: So you want me to come?
Parisandy: Yes, I would like that. I would like that a lot. smiles
Mpriestly: Good. We’ll talk about it later, now I really have to get back to work. And you should get some sleep now, shouldn’t you?
Parisandy: It’s past midnight. But I don’t care.
Mpriestly: You should care. And if you don’t care, I do - for Jacqueline’s sake. Goodnight, Andrea.
Parisandy: Goodnight…
Andy let her fingers rest on the keyboard. Her fingers itched to keep on typing. Miranda wanted to come to her, just like that, hop on a plane and come, completely not work-related, but come to her! Andy wanted to type ‘I love you’ but she didn’t dare.
She typed it anyway, but didn’t send. She typed it and deleted it, twice…
00:11
Mpriestly: Andrea, what are you typing? I can see that you are typing something. Send it or go to bed!
Parisandy: I’m on my way!!
But you’re not logged out yet yourself… Go to work, Miranda!
giggles
Mpriestly: Silly girl…
Parisandy: Yes…
00:12
Miranda… Thank you.
For coming.
You make me happy.
00:14
Mpriestly: I am glad to hear that.
Because I want to do that.
Make you happy.
Parisandy: smiles
00:16
Mpriestly: I have got to go now. I have a meeting.
And you should go to bed.
Parisandy: Yes. Are you giving the computer screen a Dragon Lady glare right now?
Sorry. I don’t mean to keep you from your meeting.
I’m going to bed now!
Mpriestly: Goodnight, my Andrea. Sleep well.
Parisandy: <3
00:17
Mpriestly: You make me smile. Goodbye.
Miranda was logged out, and Andy did the same. Nate was not home yet so Andy could take the bed… but she went to the couch instead.
She hadn’t said ‘I love you’ but she had sent Miranda a little heart and the chat turned it pink. What did Miranda think of that? Something, obviously, because she hadn’t replied immediately… but then she said ‘You make me smile’ and Andy knew from experience that that was something big, coming from Miranda.
She is coming back to me! Andy’s heart was singing. She knew that it meant that things were getting really serious. She knew that things had happened very fast between them.
But she felt ready for it.
***
The office was buzzing with whispers, with rumors, with half-baked theories and wild guesses. Why was Miranda going to take a whole week off?! It was strange, and perhaps even worrying - could it mean that the magazine was in danger, that the ship was sinking, that the captain didn’t care anymore? They did live in troubled times, after all… On the other hand, if something like that was happening, surely someone other than Miranda would know about it? Perhaps she was going through some kind of private crisis, having trouble with the kids, having a nervous breakdown? Or perhaps she was in love?
Some people even set up a betting pool.
Emily didn’t take part in the office gossip. She couldn’t care less about what Miranda was up to; it only troubled her that Miranda was obviously up to something, because she figured that would weaken her already very weak chance of getting a week off herself.
Even fully aware of this, Emily felt that she had to take the risk of asking Miranda for a short leave of absence. Serena wanted to visit her in New York. Even if Miranda was going to be angry at her for asking, she had to do it.
“Yes, I don’t see why not”, was Miranda’s unexpected reply to the request. “This is not a particularly busy time of year anyway. You may take a week off next month.”
Emily couldn’t believe her ears. When were they not busy at Runway? Normally, Miranda would be hard-pressed to give anyone leave to go to their mother’s funeral, but Miranda hadn’t even asked for a reason.
“Um, who are you and what have you done to my boss?” Emily said, and she instantly wanted to bite her tongue off and sink through the ground.
“Excuse me?” Miranda said, and a cold winter’s breeze from Siberia seemed to sweep through the room. Despite the suddenly so cool atmosphere, Emily blushed and felt hotter than hell. What was she thinking, saying something like that? Even if Miranda had been mysteriously replaced by an identical twin who did unpredictable things, this twin knew how to play her part…
Oh my god, stop thinking these ridiculous thoughts! Emily tried to tell herself.
“I’m so sorry, Miranda, thank you so much!”
“That’s all”, Miranda said, and she was absolutely right. Emily just wanted to forget about the boss, about her work; she wanted nothing more than to run to the computer and officially invite Serena to New York and tell her to buy the tickets immediately.
There was, however, a setback when she told Serena the great news the next day, a Saturday when Serena wasn’t at work. No, more than that; a terrible blow that made Emily feel drained, as if her heart truly was bleeding and spilling all her blood out on the floor.
Serena’s reaction was not the expected one.
Aneres: Oh, Emily, I don’t know what to say…
TheRealEmily: Um… How about ‘yay, I’m so happy!!’ or something like that? ;)
11:32
Aneres: I am happy that you want me to come to see you in person. I’m glad it’s possible, except… it’s really not. That’s why I’m unhappy right now.
TheRealEmily: What’s that supposed to mean?
Aneres: I can’t afford it, Emily. You know it’s a long trip… across the Atlantic ocean and all. I’m sorry.
Emily mulled this over as the world around her turned pitch dark; the hope of seeing Serena again had been the light that had illuminated her whole life for months, and then… How could this happen?
11:35
Aneres: Say something…
TheRealEmily: But I don’t understand. We’ve talked about this before. You said you wanted to come.
Aneres I did! Because I do!
Oh, Emily… sighs I’m sorry; I know this must be hard for you. It is for me as well. I don’t know what to say. I guess I… didn’t really expect it to be possible, with your boss and everything…
11:37
TheRealEmily: so it’s really impossible?
Aneres: Yes…
TheRealEmily: Why? I mean, I don’t want to pry into your finances, but… you have a good job; you’re a doctor…
Aneres: Yes, but I have responsibilities, other people to think about. I can’t afford to spend that kind of money on airplane tickets.
TheRealEmily: serena, do you have kids that you haven’t told me about??!!
Aneres: No!! Emily, no, it’s not like that. But my family is… poor, to be honest. My mother’s job isn’t very well-paid, and my father is unemployed. I have two younger brothers who are still teenagers. I don’t have kids, but in a way, they sort of are my kids… you know this; I’ve told you that I practically raised them, so…
TheRealEmily: Yes, I get it!
Wow, Emily thought. I didn’t see this coming… Serena had seemed to want to be with her in person again, hadn’t she? Why hadn’t she mentioned that it was just a dream? Was it that she didn’t take it seriously, that she didn’t want it as much as Emily had believed? Or did she want it so much that she had tried to make the truth go away by refusing to think about it? If that was the case…
11:41
TheRealEmily: What if money wasn’t an issue? If you did have the money, would you want to come?
Aneres: Yes, of course.
TheRealEmily: Then how about this - I’ll pay for your trip and all your expenses. I can do it, Serena. I want to do it; I want you to be here with me!
11:44
Aneres: I don’t know what to say, to be honest. The thought that you would spend that kind of money on me…
TheRealEmily: I’ll be happy to do it! I’d do anything for you.
Aneres: The thought of accepting such a generous offer is… painful to me.
Emily stared at the computer screen. It was becoming blurry because her eyes were filled with hot, prickling tears. So it was painful to Serena? What about Emily’s pain?! She chewed on her lower lip, bit it hard, trying to stop herself from crying violently, from hyperventilating.
11:47
TheRealEmily: It is not generosity, it is love. Can’t you see that? Your family accepts your money because they love you and they know that you love them. I just want to do the same thing for you. Why is that so painful? I love you.
Aneres: I love you, too.
The words on the screen didn’t have any sound, but to Emily, it felt like they were shouting out loud. So Serena did love her?! They had finally confessed their true feelings, and it wasn’t just for fun, just a game?
Everything has to be easier from now on, Emily told herself, and her heart was beating hard, hard, inside her chest.
She confessed that she was crying, just a bit, over at her side of the Atlantic. But it was another kind of tears… warm, happy tears that didn’t sting; she didn’t feel them at all, except for the wet traces they left on her cheeks
Aneres: I’m crying, too.
TheRealEmily: I’m also blushing like crazy…. :)
Aneres: So am I!! I love you, Emily…
TheRealEmily: I can’t believe it. smiles I’ve finally said that I love you! And you… blushes You feel the same way? blushes
Aneres: I do! And I wish I could hold you right now… I wish I could see your face…
TheRealEmily: Oh god, no! ;) My face is wet and flustered; I probably look like a maniac…
Aneres: laughs softly That makes two of us… <3
Emily had to look away, and breathe, and wipe her face and try to compose herself, if that was at all possible. Something about her was about to explode, or had exploded already: happiness and pain and overwhelming joy and fear…
11:59
TheRealEmily: smiles through the tears <3 <3 <3
12:00
Aneres: I’m glad we’ve finally confessed. When did you know?
TheRealEmily: That I love you? It happened gradually, I think…
Aneres: I think I fell in love with you right from the start.
TheRealEmily: Ohmygod, Serena… blushes I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you… I’m happy…
Aneres: Me, too. It’s a bit scary, though. I mean, because we are so far apart…
TheRealEmily: I know. sighs I am happy right now, but… I am also unhappy, because the thought of accepting my money is so painful to you. I just wish that you were here.
12:05
Aneres: Yes. And… the thought of not being with you is even more painful…
Emily stopped breathing for a moment. Did it mean what she thought it meant?
TheRealEmily: So you’ll do it? You accept?
Aneres: Yes!
And that was it, except for arranging all the details, which happened in a sort of haze and Emily was grinning like a fool.
She wasn’t sure about what was going to happen, she wasn’t sure about anything, but she knew that she felt more alive and more hopeful than ever before, and she knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again.
With a corner of her mind, she was afraid that she was hoping for too much, that it might be different when she finally met Serena in person again, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually believe in that little doubtful voice inside of her. It was just her low self-esteem talking; if Serena said she love her, then she did.
A line from a poem Emily had read a long time ago in some old book overshadowed the silly doubt: She is coming, my dove, my dear; she is coming, my life, my fate…
***
Author’s Notes: To be honest, I had no idea that the poem Emily is thinking about is that long! But I just looked it up… I have only ever read this part, as it’s quoted in Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own:
There has fallen a splendid tear
From the passion-flower at the gate.
She is coming, my dove, my dear;
She is coming, my life, my fate.
The red rose cries, "She is near, she is near;"
And the white rose weeps, "She is late;"
The larkspur listens, "I hear, I hear;"
And the lily whispers, "I wait."
From Songs From Maud, by Alfred Tennyson.