Second Verse
Some of you heard, some of you didn't: Katie and I got back together two weeks ago.
Well, last night, we had a long talk and decided that, due to a variety of reasons (admittedly mostly on her end), we weren't really working out.
I was happy with where we were and what we had, but there was enough stuff about me that annoyed her (almost all small, unquantifiable things) that I was incapable of fixing. It was stuff that she couldn't put her finger on, but nevertheless irked her and made her upset. I'd notice she was upset, and want to fix it, and then she'd feel bad because she was getting upset at me for no real reason and there was nothing I could do about it.
I could probably have kept the relationship going for a couple of weeks, maybe a month or two, but it wouldn't have really made either of us very happy - myself because I would know that something was wrong, but unable to fix it, and her because she'd be miserable that she was getting mad at me for no reason and there was nothing I can do.
I put forth that if we knew right now that there was something wrong that we couldn't fix, I would rather end it now while there was still a chance we could be friends (something I'm very big on), than to keep trying to push a square peg into a round hole to the point that we hated each other. She's a very, very wonderful woman, and I care for her dearly. I didn't want things to disintegrate to the point that I would be unable to be friends with her. Michelle and Mallorie can both attest to the fact that being friends with my exes (or at least, having a cordial relationship with them) is very important to me. At least now we have a chance at that. I told her that she's always welcome at my apartment, to hit me up for rides, anything she needs she can use me for - even if it's just to escape from drama.
The problem is that I still dearly love her, and she loves me very much too. Intellectually, I can understand that we probably made the right choice, but it still sucks terribly.
Pretty much the first thing I did after I got home was call my Mom. I talked with my parents for almost two hours about the whole story, and that was just about the best possible decision I could have made. They made me feel much better about the whole thing and at the same time giving me a great appreciation for what I had with Katie while things were going good.
I believe that after every relationship you always keep a piece of the other person with you. There are some truly special moments from each of my relationships that I will always treasure, and each of them has taught me a little more about myself. For the rest of my life I will try and make a woman as happy to see me as one memory I have from my relationship with Michelle. Mallorie taught me a lot about myself, both good and bad. There is a very good reason that the song "The Rose" crushed me as bad as it did when we broke up:
"It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live "
I learned a lot about myself in the time I dated Katie - almost all of it good. I learned a lot about how to be a boyfriend, how to work relationships, and how to be a good and mature man. I also learned that I really do have a lot to offer a woman, and can be very romantic when I turn it on (and I'm apparently a very good kisser). We had some very good times, and I will always appreciate them.
One thing that my parents kept saying that I agree with completely: Just 'cause we didn't work out now doesn't mean we're done forever. If it's meant to be, if in a couple of months, she goes "holy crap, what did I do?", then we can revisit this. If we really want it, then we'll see. It won't be easy, but nothing in life worth having comes easy.
Katie asked me to give her a couple of days to herself before I talked to her. That's really hard 'cause I really want to ask her how she's doing, see if she's Ok. She's taking it harder than I am, I think.
If nothing else, I can walk away knowing that I did utterly everything in my power to make it work. To the very end, I put everything I had into making her happy. My goal this last week was to give her the best Valentine's Day (week) any girl has ever had, and she tells me I succeeded. I told her every chance I had how much I loved her, how beautiful she was, and how important she was to me. If I had to go down, at least I went down swinging.
It sucks now, but I think we'll be able to be friends. I hope. All I can do is hope for the best and be the best man I can be.
Katie had told me several times while we were dating that she had never had a really good Valentine's Day, and so my goal this week was to fix that.
Every day this week, something new appeared in her mailbox at her dorm, along with a handwritten note on a plain card in an envelope adressed to "To My Katie, For Valentine's Day".
Monday was a single red rose, and the card told her to check her mailbox every day.
Tuesday was a large heart-shaped box of chocolates.
Wednesday was a mix CD of songs that remind me of her or were about love.
Thursday was a list of 108 reasons I loved her. It was meant to be 100, but I got up to 108 by the time I had to print it off the night before.
Friday was jewelry (a silver necklace and pendant). I actually got caught trying to sneak around to the front desk to have them put it in her mailbox.
Friday night she came over and we rented "The Time Traveler's Wife."
Saturday morning I made her breakfast (eggs and scones) and then we went to the mall to get pictures taken in a photo booth. We ended up walking around for several hours looking for shoes and jeans for her (I got new shoes too - yellow converse All-Star Low-Tops: they rock hard). While at the mall in FYE I bought a couple of CDs while she wasn't paying attention. After the mall, we went to the store and I got groceries for dinner (stuffed pork chops and baked potatoes). We went home and I made dinner while she took a nap. Just before dinner was ready, I told her she wasn't allowed to come into the living room until I came and got her. I put dinner on the table, set out and lit two candles and covered the table with rose petals. I turned out all the lights, went to my room and got her, blindfolded her with a tie (it's what I had), and guided her into the room. When I got her into the living room, I turned on one of the CDs that I'd gotten at FYE - Frank Sinatra (Classic Sinatra: His Greatest Performances 1953-1960), and then took off the blindfold.
Sunday I took her to Hillenbrand to go to lunch with her family, and then went to the women's BB game. After the game, I took her back to her dorm so she could get changed and then went out to a nice dinner at La Scala. It was after we got home from this that we had the talk.
Well, last night, we had a long talk and decided that, due to a variety of reasons (admittedly mostly on her end), we weren't really working out.
I was happy with where we were and what we had, but there was enough stuff about me that annoyed her (almost all small, unquantifiable things) that I was incapable of fixing. It was stuff that she couldn't put her finger on, but nevertheless irked her and made her upset. I'd notice she was upset, and want to fix it, and then she'd feel bad because she was getting upset at me for no real reason and there was nothing I could do about it.
I could probably have kept the relationship going for a couple of weeks, maybe a month or two, but it wouldn't have really made either of us very happy - myself because I would know that something was wrong, but unable to fix it, and her because she'd be miserable that she was getting mad at me for no reason and there was nothing I can do.
I put forth that if we knew right now that there was something wrong that we couldn't fix, I would rather end it now while there was still a chance we could be friends (something I'm very big on), than to keep trying to push a square peg into a round hole to the point that we hated each other. She's a very, very wonderful woman, and I care for her dearly. I didn't want things to disintegrate to the point that I would be unable to be friends with her. Michelle and Mallorie can both attest to the fact that being friends with my exes (or at least, having a cordial relationship with them) is very important to me. At least now we have a chance at that. I told her that she's always welcome at my apartment, to hit me up for rides, anything she needs she can use me for - even if it's just to escape from drama.
The problem is that I still dearly love her, and she loves me very much too. Intellectually, I can understand that we probably made the right choice, but it still sucks terribly.
Pretty much the first thing I did after I got home was call my Mom. I talked with my parents for almost two hours about the whole story, and that was just about the best possible decision I could have made. They made me feel much better about the whole thing and at the same time giving me a great appreciation for what I had with Katie while things were going good.
I believe that after every relationship you always keep a piece of the other person with you. There are some truly special moments from each of my relationships that I will always treasure, and each of them has taught me a little more about myself. For the rest of my life I will try and make a woman as happy to see me as one memory I have from my relationship with Michelle. Mallorie taught me a lot about myself, both good and bad. There is a very good reason that the song "The Rose" crushed me as bad as it did when we broke up:
"It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live "
I learned a lot about myself in the time I dated Katie - almost all of it good. I learned a lot about how to be a boyfriend, how to work relationships, and how to be a good and mature man. I also learned that I really do have a lot to offer a woman, and can be very romantic when I turn it on (and I'm apparently a very good kisser). We had some very good times, and I will always appreciate them.
One thing that my parents kept saying that I agree with completely: Just 'cause we didn't work out now doesn't mean we're done forever. If it's meant to be, if in a couple of months, she goes "holy crap, what did I do?", then we can revisit this. If we really want it, then we'll see. It won't be easy, but nothing in life worth having comes easy.
Katie asked me to give her a couple of days to herself before I talked to her. That's really hard 'cause I really want to ask her how she's doing, see if she's Ok. She's taking it harder than I am, I think.
If nothing else, I can walk away knowing that I did utterly everything in my power to make it work. To the very end, I put everything I had into making her happy. My goal this last week was to give her the best Valentine's Day (week) any girl has ever had, and she tells me I succeeded. I told her every chance I had how much I loved her, how beautiful she was, and how important she was to me. If I had to go down, at least I went down swinging.
It sucks now, but I think we'll be able to be friends. I hope. All I can do is hope for the best and be the best man I can be.
Katie had told me several times while we were dating that she had never had a really good Valentine's Day, and so my goal this week was to fix that.
Every day this week, something new appeared in her mailbox at her dorm, along with a handwritten note on a plain card in an envelope adressed to "To My Katie, For Valentine's Day".
Monday was a single red rose, and the card told her to check her mailbox every day.
Tuesday was a large heart-shaped box of chocolates.
Wednesday was a mix CD of songs that remind me of her or were about love.
Thursday was a list of 108 reasons I loved her. It was meant to be 100, but I got up to 108 by the time I had to print it off the night before.
Friday was jewelry (a silver necklace and pendant). I actually got caught trying to sneak around to the front desk to have them put it in her mailbox.
Friday night she came over and we rented "The Time Traveler's Wife."
Saturday morning I made her breakfast (eggs and scones) and then we went to the mall to get pictures taken in a photo booth. We ended up walking around for several hours looking for shoes and jeans for her (I got new shoes too - yellow converse All-Star Low-Tops: they rock hard). While at the mall in FYE I bought a couple of CDs while she wasn't paying attention. After the mall, we went to the store and I got groceries for dinner (stuffed pork chops and baked potatoes). We went home and I made dinner while she took a nap. Just before dinner was ready, I told her she wasn't allowed to come into the living room until I came and got her. I put dinner on the table, set out and lit two candles and covered the table with rose petals. I turned out all the lights, went to my room and got her, blindfolded her with a tie (it's what I had), and guided her into the room. When I got her into the living room, I turned on one of the CDs that I'd gotten at FYE - Frank Sinatra (Classic Sinatra: His Greatest Performances 1953-1960), and then took off the blindfold.
Sunday I took her to Hillenbrand to go to lunch with her family, and then went to the women's BB game. After the game, I took her back to her dorm so she could get changed and then went out to a nice dinner at La Scala. It was after we got home from this that we had the talk.