The talks you never had, the Saturdays you never spent...
um, i regret summer already.
what happened to me only having one job? so that i could be with my friends? rebond with them since it's been a year that i've actually done stuff with them. so that i could sleep? and sail? ha. i finally get my own sailboat, and i'll never be able to use it. and now that i work at sailing camp i'm just too tired and sailed out to want to sail any other day, not like i have any other day off (which I don't.) but still. what if i'd wanted to sail. i can't, now.
and what if i wanted to go camping? i can't.
or go to new york? i can't.
or vermont? i can't.
what if...? i can't.
i just feel out of place and awkward. it would be one thing if i were completely ignored, which sadly, i'm not, but only half the people seem to acknowledge my presence, and it's just odd. it sort of makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry and hide away forever. those weird glances you get from people. especially your bosses. when they're giving you a look like you've done something wrong and you're going to get fired, except you don't know what you've done. i hate that look. i keep getting it. so it keeps making me paranoid until i'm actually beginning to do stuff wrong. which makes me do more stuff wrong. which will make me get fired.
my life is offically contracted away to something that is not me in the least. there is no part of me in it, anymore. i just don't care, anymore. i can't. i hurts too much.
Love.
what happened to me only having one job? so that i could be with my friends? rebond with them since it's been a year that i've actually done stuff with them. so that i could sleep? and sail? ha. i finally get my own sailboat, and i'll never be able to use it. and now that i work at sailing camp i'm just too tired and sailed out to want to sail any other day, not like i have any other day off (which I don't.) but still. what if i'd wanted to sail. i can't, now.
and what if i wanted to go camping? i can't.
or go to new york? i can't.
or vermont? i can't.
what if...? i can't.
i just feel out of place and awkward. it would be one thing if i were completely ignored, which sadly, i'm not, but only half the people seem to acknowledge my presence, and it's just odd. it sort of makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry and hide away forever. those weird glances you get from people. especially your bosses. when they're giving you a look like you've done something wrong and you're going to get fired, except you don't know what you've done. i hate that look. i keep getting it. so it keeps making me paranoid until i'm actually beginning to do stuff wrong. which makes me do more stuff wrong. which will make me get fired.
my life is offically contracted away to something that is not me in the least. there is no part of me in it, anymore. i just don't care, anymore. i can't. i hurts too much.
Love.