A mental mind fuck can be nice.
I never use this thing, but since no one really reads it, it's easier for me to say what I need. This summer started off so swell, and then the past week or so it's just been going straight downhill. I feel so uncomfortable at work. Both my jobs, but more so at the theatre, and I don't like it. I just feel awkward every moment and because I'm focusing on that so much it's affecting how well I do my job, which lately hasn't been well at all. I don't feel like I'm part of the cast at all... they've like formed some huge clique that I can't even dream of getting in to. Part of it is my age, I know, but still... last summer I felt a lot more included in everything.
The other problem is that I'm working with someone who I used to be crazy jealous of, and then we got on the same page and I was okay, but suddenly I'm back to being jealous of her again. She's everything I've failed to be and that I wish I was but never will be. And it's so frustrating. We have almost the same dreams, and the same thoughts.
I don't know. It's frustrating to be so inferior to everyone around you, and I really just want to be included. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. It's too bad, because it's ruining the last real summer I may have here.
Skye is leaving to work on a tall ship whose port is in Connecticut, but they work their way down to the Bahamas, where they winter. She'll be on that still all next summer, then hopefully she's going to Maine Maritime with possibly me, depending on my eye tests. Which ...I'm not feeling too good about. I'm color blind. Not too severely, so I don't know if somehow I can fake it or what. If I can memorize the sequence of numbers in those little fucking dots. I need to go to Maine Maritime, because I need to prove to my family that I'm not a waste of air. Which I am, but still. So that leaves, for next summer, me, Ben, and Ethan. Ethan will probably come back, because he has nothing else to do, living at the Wentworth. But he's not the most fabulous teacher and never takes charge. I've been working on that and have gotten much better this summer. It's good to not be working on the same shift as Ethan, because then I don't pick up his habits. Me and Matt Jones have made a good duo. We take the dinghy, we help get all the boats rigged, and fix the problems. I've made a lot of improvement this summer with my courage as an instructor, and that's good. So maybe I'll take the training course next year, which costs like 500 bucks and requires me to spend a weekend in Hyannis, so that I can be hired full time. But if Ben and Skye don't go back, I'm not so sure I want to, either. I don't like change.
And next summer, as much as I want to do Little Shop and stay here, I want to just travel. Hop a plane to Paris and waste all the money I've earned this summer over there. Or go offshore lobstering for a summer. What am I afraid of? I'm sticking around because I keep wanting to believe that things will change around here. My friends will change, my life will change. But it won't, unless I make it.
I've been working every second this summer, and only after West Side opened did I finally get a little time off. It's been nice, but I sort of regret it. I just stay home and watch movies. Because none of my friends have called me all summer. I don't even bother turning my phone on some days, because what's the point? Everyone who was my best friend during the school year, who I saw every day and always talked to, just sort of fell off the face of the earth. They all have better best friends, who aren't me. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, with some group of people. But I don't. And it sucks. And I get like this every night. And I'm dreading tomorrow night.
Mostly just two people at the theatre are making my life very uncomfortable. Both for different reasons. And then there's that fear of getting fired, every other second. Everyone else seems to be disappearing. When is my turn? It sucks. I always asked myself, why would anyone work at a job when they're not happy, when they're afraid of getting fired every second? Because I love theatre, and I used to love all the people, and everything. But now I'm just scared.
I just need a hug.
Or eight.
Love.
The other problem is that I'm working with someone who I used to be crazy jealous of, and then we got on the same page and I was okay, but suddenly I'm back to being jealous of her again. She's everything I've failed to be and that I wish I was but never will be. And it's so frustrating. We have almost the same dreams, and the same thoughts.
I don't know. It's frustrating to be so inferior to everyone around you, and I really just want to be included. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. It's too bad, because it's ruining the last real summer I may have here.
Skye is leaving to work on a tall ship whose port is in Connecticut, but they work their way down to the Bahamas, where they winter. She'll be on that still all next summer, then hopefully she's going to Maine Maritime with possibly me, depending on my eye tests. Which ...I'm not feeling too good about. I'm color blind. Not too severely, so I don't know if somehow I can fake it or what. If I can memorize the sequence of numbers in those little fucking dots. I need to go to Maine Maritime, because I need to prove to my family that I'm not a waste of air. Which I am, but still. So that leaves, for next summer, me, Ben, and Ethan. Ethan will probably come back, because he has nothing else to do, living at the Wentworth. But he's not the most fabulous teacher and never takes charge. I've been working on that and have gotten much better this summer. It's good to not be working on the same shift as Ethan, because then I don't pick up his habits. Me and Matt Jones have made a good duo. We take the dinghy, we help get all the boats rigged, and fix the problems. I've made a lot of improvement this summer with my courage as an instructor, and that's good. So maybe I'll take the training course next year, which costs like 500 bucks and requires me to spend a weekend in Hyannis, so that I can be hired full time. But if Ben and Skye don't go back, I'm not so sure I want to, either. I don't like change.
And next summer, as much as I want to do Little Shop and stay here, I want to just travel. Hop a plane to Paris and waste all the money I've earned this summer over there. Or go offshore lobstering for a summer. What am I afraid of? I'm sticking around because I keep wanting to believe that things will change around here. My friends will change, my life will change. But it won't, unless I make it.
I've been working every second this summer, and only after West Side opened did I finally get a little time off. It's been nice, but I sort of regret it. I just stay home and watch movies. Because none of my friends have called me all summer. I don't even bother turning my phone on some days, because what's the point? Everyone who was my best friend during the school year, who I saw every day and always talked to, just sort of fell off the face of the earth. They all have better best friends, who aren't me. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, with some group of people. But I don't. And it sucks. And I get like this every night. And I'm dreading tomorrow night.
Mostly just two people at the theatre are making my life very uncomfortable. Both for different reasons. And then there's that fear of getting fired, every other second. Everyone else seems to be disappearing. When is my turn? It sucks. I always asked myself, why would anyone work at a job when they're not happy, when they're afraid of getting fired every second? Because I love theatre, and I used to love all the people, and everything. But now I'm just scared.
I just need a hug.
Or eight.
Love.