And when you take, you take the very best of me...
So, it's been a really hard couple of weeks. And I just really need to get it out into words so that it's out of me and onto paper somewhere.
I'm really stressed out by law school right now. It really takes so much effort just to stay on top of things and I feel like it doesn't matter anyway because in the long run who knows if I will get an A in the class or if someone who decided to pull 4 all nighters the week before the exam will end up kicking my ass on it and get the A instead. I wouldn't be worried except for the damn mandatory curve. Why can't it just be that people get grades based on the amount of work they put in?
I'm also just emotionally drained lately. One of my good friend's father died a couple weeks ago, so I've been trying to be there for him. But in being there for him it's really made me question who I am and why I want to be there for him. I feel like I may be a really selfish person. I can't help but wonder if "helping" him is really an egotistical thing for me. Am I calling to check on him because I'm really concerned about him? Or am I calling because I want to be the friend that was there for him when no one else was, like it's a badge of honor or something? Or am I just using this whole situation as a distraction from my own problems and to give myself an excuse not to ace my classes this semester.
I really kind of just want to become a hermit and avoid everyone right now. But I feel like I can't necessarily do that without feeling like I've abandoned him...
When we talk, he says he feels really alone here. The thing is, I feel that way too, and it has nothing to do with losing someone. I think it's just the nature of law school that people feel alone. Everyone is so competitive and wrapped up in their own lives that it's hard to feel like anyone gives anyone else a second thought. The thing is, I'm not really sure I'm reaching out to him because I really want to help him or because I just want someone to talk to myself.
It's just a really awkward situation to be in when I'm spending time wondering if I'm really even helping him when I call or IM or whatever or if I'm just being another burden for him to deal with. On top of this, when I am there for him, I am having trouble separating what I'm feeling and what I am feeling from him. I can't talk to him about what he's dealing with without crying and having a minor breakdown myself later. I woke up the other day completely exhausted and out of it because I was mentally and emotionally gone from staying up until 1 helping him deal with his life. I stay up until 1 all the time. But talking to him just takes everything I have out of me. I don't want to be this way but I can't help wanting to distance myself from him for self-preservation. I feel horrible for wanting that though.
I'm really stressed out by law school right now. It really takes so much effort just to stay on top of things and I feel like it doesn't matter anyway because in the long run who knows if I will get an A in the class or if someone who decided to pull 4 all nighters the week before the exam will end up kicking my ass on it and get the A instead. I wouldn't be worried except for the damn mandatory curve. Why can't it just be that people get grades based on the amount of work they put in?
I'm also just emotionally drained lately. One of my good friend's father died a couple weeks ago, so I've been trying to be there for him. But in being there for him it's really made me question who I am and why I want to be there for him. I feel like I may be a really selfish person. I can't help but wonder if "helping" him is really an egotistical thing for me. Am I calling to check on him because I'm really concerned about him? Or am I calling because I want to be the friend that was there for him when no one else was, like it's a badge of honor or something? Or am I just using this whole situation as a distraction from my own problems and to give myself an excuse not to ace my classes this semester.
I really kind of just want to become a hermit and avoid everyone right now. But I feel like I can't necessarily do that without feeling like I've abandoned him...
When we talk, he says he feels really alone here. The thing is, I feel that way too, and it has nothing to do with losing someone. I think it's just the nature of law school that people feel alone. Everyone is so competitive and wrapped up in their own lives that it's hard to feel like anyone gives anyone else a second thought. The thing is, I'm not really sure I'm reaching out to him because I really want to help him or because I just want someone to talk to myself.
It's just a really awkward situation to be in when I'm spending time wondering if I'm really even helping him when I call or IM or whatever or if I'm just being another burden for him to deal with. On top of this, when I am there for him, I am having trouble separating what I'm feeling and what I am feeling from him. I can't talk to him about what he's dealing with without crying and having a minor breakdown myself later. I woke up the other day completely exhausted and out of it because I was mentally and emotionally gone from staying up until 1 helping him deal with his life. I stay up until 1 all the time. But talking to him just takes everything I have out of me. I don't want to be this way but I can't help wanting to distance myself from him for self-preservation. I feel horrible for wanting that though.