I have these thoughts, let me show you them
I think the advantage of long term therapy is that one of the side affects of spending months talking about and practicing coping mechanisms is that, shockingly enough, these coping mechanisms become habit and as a result you habitually take internal stock, use introspective time usefully, question why you feel a certain way, what makes you uncomfortable, or unhappy or mad. I actually think that everyone should try therapy for about 6 months, at the very least to undo the one or two bad habits left over from childhood, but beyond that, therapy strives to teach people the tools they need to survive, tools our culture tends to tuin its nose down on (especially for men).
I think even the most mentally stable person should have more than 'reflex' and a bit of prayer for the low, unhappy, upsetting, turbulent or anxious times of their lives. I know some people think therapy is a waste of money and I'd wager those people know as much about therapy as your average one hour drama, which is to say, not much. As much as am grateful to my pills to the point that I do not care how many a day I take or that I need to make sure I have my small pill case with me at all times. (Today I approach it like having some mentrual pads stashed in useful places, a necessity of life. I've really streamlined the proccess over several months and pill sorting time is kind of a zen place for me. I have accepted the pills, I am one with the pills, the pills are me. Coo Koo KaChoo.) I think just being able to spend that 55 minutes talking to someone who doesn't judge, who understands me who offers suggestions but never orders, who tries her hardest to make my life easier made my recovery process possible.
Right now I'm finishing up (one test and one final left) school for a career that I'm terribly interested in. My biggest fears, which are born of experience, of boredom or inability or brainchemistry, didn't come true and I think a lot of that was having that time to talk about them, even if it was just to repeat a lot of what had been swirling in my brain, the act of telling them to someone and having her reply to me "those are valid fears, now what are we going to do about them?", somehow lightens the burden and eases the path.
All that to say, I think I finally believe I can do whatever I want (within my physical limitations) and that despite my physical limitations, that's a whole lot more than I had been imagining. A few months ago a classmate said to me "You're so smart, why aren't you a nurse?" Which okay, gendered much? (Not that I am saying there's any way to compare RN vs DR, just, gendered.) And the answer is I could not do it physically. But in the last few days I've been thinking and I think I could be a doctor, where before the idea of having to learn that much and stick with something that long was an easy way to trigger an anxiety or depressive episode, now I think, "Yeah, I could do that.' Heck, I'm even vaguely interested in it.
At the moment we're all putting together our signature approach to skin care and it's less relevant to others, but it's terribly relevant to me who is not taking the classes to pad my resume but to go out and do cool things to people's skin and the approach/signature I'm coming up with is... I have no idea where it's coming from. Okay, I have a tiny idea, but it's going to take me a while to tease out all the threads. The conclusion that I've come to is that I really don't know myself. Not this self who is active and often content and interesting ALL the TIME and signs up for extra classes and sits down to study and has the mental and physical energy to to do more than just hang on.
The other week I told my therapist that I don't think I ever really peaked as an adult. I did reach a high point before the slow but inevitable decent into depression but it wasn't me, it was me being as functional as I could given my limitations (which were largely unknown at the time, all I knew was there were things I Couldn't and Lines I could only see from Far Away.) It's difficult to describe the change in the quality of my daydreams and while i find it hard to imagine specific success, i.e. a time when I will be able to design everything as I want but now I don't feel that Doctor is a bar that's too high in terms of a complex job requiring years of study and dedication only to come out the other end as a well traiend guesser. I could be that guesser! Every week I find my mind clearer and more capable of critical thinking and retaining information (still have to study though, alas) making informed guesses instead of feeling that wall just at the edge of my grap every time I try something, afraid I'll catch concrete rash if I don't balance exactly as needed.
So. How was that for inner ennui?
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I think even the most mentally stable person should have more than 'reflex' and a bit of prayer for the low, unhappy, upsetting, turbulent or anxious times of their lives. I know some people think therapy is a waste of money and I'd wager those people know as much about therapy as your average one hour drama, which is to say, not much. As much as am grateful to my pills to the point that I do not care how many a day I take or that I need to make sure I have my small pill case with me at all times. (Today I approach it like having some mentrual pads stashed in useful places, a necessity of life. I've really streamlined the proccess over several months and pill sorting time is kind of a zen place for me. I have accepted the pills, I am one with the pills, the pills are me. Coo Koo KaChoo.) I think just being able to spend that 55 minutes talking to someone who doesn't judge, who understands me who offers suggestions but never orders, who tries her hardest to make my life easier made my recovery process possible.
Right now I'm finishing up (one test and one final left) school for a career that I'm terribly interested in. My biggest fears, which are born of experience, of boredom or inability or brainchemistry, didn't come true and I think a lot of that was having that time to talk about them, even if it was just to repeat a lot of what had been swirling in my brain, the act of telling them to someone and having her reply to me "those are valid fears, now what are we going to do about them?", somehow lightens the burden and eases the path.
All that to say, I think I finally believe I can do whatever I want (within my physical limitations) and that despite my physical limitations, that's a whole lot more than I had been imagining. A few months ago a classmate said to me "You're so smart, why aren't you a nurse?" Which okay, gendered much? (Not that I am saying there's any way to compare RN vs DR, just, gendered.) And the answer is I could not do it physically. But in the last few days I've been thinking and I think I could be a doctor, where before the idea of having to learn that much and stick with something that long was an easy way to trigger an anxiety or depressive episode, now I think, "Yeah, I could do that.' Heck, I'm even vaguely interested in it.
At the moment we're all putting together our signature approach to skin care and it's less relevant to others, but it's terribly relevant to me who is not taking the classes to pad my resume but to go out and do cool things to people's skin and the approach/signature I'm coming up with is... I have no idea where it's coming from. Okay, I have a tiny idea, but it's going to take me a while to tease out all the threads. The conclusion that I've come to is that I really don't know myself. Not this self who is active and often content and interesting ALL the TIME and signs up for extra classes and sits down to study and has the mental and physical energy to to do more than just hang on.
The other week I told my therapist that I don't think I ever really peaked as an adult. I did reach a high point before the slow but inevitable decent into depression but it wasn't me, it was me being as functional as I could given my limitations (which were largely unknown at the time, all I knew was there were things I Couldn't and Lines I could only see from Far Away.) It's difficult to describe the change in the quality of my daydreams and while i find it hard to imagine specific success, i.e. a time when I will be able to design everything as I want but now I don't feel that Doctor is a bar that's too high in terms of a complex job requiring years of study and dedication only to come out the other end as a well traiend guesser. I could be that guesser! Every week I find my mind clearer and more capable of critical thinking and retaining information (still have to study though, alas) making informed guesses instead of feeling that wall just at the edge of my grap every time I try something, afraid I'll catch concrete rash if I don't balance exactly as needed.
So. How was that for inner ennui?
You can also read this entry here with
comment/s. You can comment here or there. OpenID is enabled.