Religion
I posted this on FB just now, and I want to save it here.
American conservative, fundamentalist, and evangelical Christianity is...so damned Pauline. I come from there. I lived and breathed it, 3-4 times a week, for almost 23 years. I tried with EVERYTHING I HAD to be "good enough." To LIVE and THINK in a way that was "Christ-like" and would be enough effort to be "worthy" to sit at the right hand of God, to avoid being told "Depart from me; I never knew thee."
And now, I'm watching so many "Christians"...people who share so many things about my upbringing, including the same holy text, including the desperate need to be "enough" to be pleasing to God and stay in the good graces of a congregation...I'm seeing such disdain and cruelty for the kinds of people I remember being welcomed: people fleeing dangerous regimes, people immigrating for a better life (including the right to worship according to their own consciences). I knew a family who were refugees in the 1970 from Cambodia, a family who were refugees from Madagascar. Both gave up everything. Both were sponsored by members of my childhood congregation.
But now, every conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical, American Christian I see on the news or on the internet is spouting hatred and exclusion.
I see and hear blind support for that man in the White House AND for his statements and policies. I see a resurgence of hostility and isolationism, of "me first" instead of inclusivity and love. I see NO condemnation of the cruelty and open sinfulness of that man in the White House...his behavior, his sexuality, his self-aggrandizement, his cruelty, his eagerness to exclude.
I REMEMBER the disdain of those around me for the "uppity" behavior of Hillary Clinton for being educated and capable, for doing her JOB. I REMEMBER people saying that if Bill Clinton couldn't be trusted to keep his marriage vows, then how could be trusted to uphold the oath of office. I SEE the SAME PEOPLE NOT leveling that concern at a man who didn't even know, upon becoming president, that we have a tri-partate government or what the role of each branch was. I SEE the SAME PEOPLE not seeming to have a problem with that man's daughter having broad access to things FOR WHICH SHE HAS NO EDUCATION nor even a proper security clearance.
I READ vulgar comments that lump together whole groups, judging the one by lies about the many. I see and hear and read racism and exclusion and hatred from those who quoted, as often as possible, that "God is not a respecter of persons," to prove that no individual is greater than another, that ALL are invited to their view of salvation.
I am so so offended by these positions, the way they HARM so many people, and do so while feeling righteous about their hurtful choices, words, and actions.
And I am SO ANGRY about this because I LITERALLY worked and tried SO HARD to live up to the demands of the Christian holy text that I worked my way right into a literal nervous breakdown that took YEARS to reconstruct myself from.
I KNOW what this text says. I KNOW what it means to try with every ounce of your being to follow it. I KNOW how unkind and presumptuous and condescending I was in some of the ways I attempted to adhere to All The Things. I know how I agonised over what I felt I needed to do to be even *heading toward* "good enough."
And I know, in every cell of my being, what it means to "Be ye therefore kind, one to another," and how DIFFICULT and CRITICAL that is. I know what it means to want to care for the widows and orphans and "the least of one of these."
I am deeply offended that these people, who profess to stand for the values I HARMED myself trying to follow closely "enough" are using out-of-context ideas, and, more importantly, WRONG ideas that are CONTRADICTED by the demands of this holy text, to cause HARM and spread HATRED in the way of those Pharisees they count as the villains of the story of one aspect of their deity.
I was WARNED to be cautious in my actions AND THOUGHTS as well as my public behavior, to avoid the outcome of "And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity."
They should consider themselves closely and reflect more directly on their oft-repeated, "What would Jesus do?"
I was going to find an article to quote/link...but there are Just. So. Many. This hurts my heart and makes me nauseated and hopeless. I am SO ANGRY. I know that these people KNOW the text that tells them to BE BETTER. I know because they used that text to tell me to BE BETTER. I am SO sad and heartsick about this.
Edit to add MORE from comments I'm making:
LITERALLY, the things I've kept and that I expect of myself morally?
Are the ones that are most about "Be ye therefore kind, one to another" and "As you have done for the least of one of these, so have you done to me," as my primary guideline.
I was raised with people who BELIEVED those things...and they wanted to Do It All Right...but they were also SO afraid of violating the edict that "As much as it stands with you, give offense to no man."
We had conversations about how we feared that, if we gave offense in the wrong moment, that we might drive someone "away from God" and have them when they were ready to hear, remember that offense and not come to us to seek out God, and have thus been responsible for "cutting him off from the Glory of God."
I was CONSTANTLY afraid I was going to ruin things for myself or others, that I would fail to "be angry and sin not" by somehow *sinning* while angry...so...I decided it was safer NOT to be angry. I feared being a "stumbling-block" to someone else's faith.
I KNOW people are out there who take these expectations as seriously as I did (and, honestly, still do, just minus the vengeful and demanding God and potential punishment). I cannot understand how so many people who I KNOW grew up hearing the same kinds of sermons I did, hearing the same verses quoted as I did--and learning to recite and analyze them along with book, chapter: verse citations!--can have disregarded all of what was contained in those lessons.
A comment in response to a question of whether those around me took Bible study as seriously as I did:
ALL OF US.
Of course, our congregation, in a town of 25,000 people and 25,000 students, was only 120 individuals (including every living being present) on good Sunday mornings.
But I went to youth rallies and church camp and week-long Being Christlike Women conferences and SO many meetings with other people who were members of churches of Christ in various places, and when we were out of town, we STILL attended. We would literally find the nearest church and stop DRIVING to go to services along the way--or leave early enough to get to services where we were going on Sunday morning/night or Wednesday night...I QUIT ORCHESTRA (after 5 years of playing violin) because all of our concerts were on Wednesday nights and I was sick of being required to miss church once or twice a year, and I was concerned about putting something ahead of church. And the type of lessons in Sunday school, the kind of study, the kinds of sermons, ALL OF THAT mirrored what we did in our congregation.
It's what churches of Christ are like. (There used to be a joke in Tennessee that, "If you can't find a Bible in a court room, just find one of those church of Christ people and put your hand on their head.")
(And the writing of it as church of Christ with the first lowercase "c" is something that is discussed as an important way to demonstrate that it is CHRIST whose body the church is, that the "church" is not the more important entity--more English lessons! And the more conservative congregations will make sure to do their signs in all caps--in order to avoid the fact that you can't make the non-capitalization a thing--and will often list it as CHURCH OF CHRIST MEETS HERE in order to emphasize that the *building* is a convenient *meeting place* but that the *church* is the people, and not the building.)
This is what my people were and are like.
And yet...there are some of THESE people--especially in smaller towns and farther south--who are outright hateful. I have two other church of Christ ex-member friends here on FB (and one here on DW,
settiai and...it's IMPOSSIBLE to explain other than to say it's like having left a cult (a designation that the churches of Christ vehemently deny; they believe they are the ONLY group that is reviving and adequately adhering to 1st Century Christianity As Christ Taught and that Everyone Else Is Going To Hell; I learned from childhood ON how to prove the wrongness of other churches' doctrines and practices WITH SCRIPTURE).
This entry was cross-posted at https://amilyn.dreamwidth.org/849175.html.
American conservative, fundamentalist, and evangelical Christianity is...so damned Pauline. I come from there. I lived and breathed it, 3-4 times a week, for almost 23 years. I tried with EVERYTHING I HAD to be "good enough." To LIVE and THINK in a way that was "Christ-like" and would be enough effort to be "worthy" to sit at the right hand of God, to avoid being told "Depart from me; I never knew thee."
And now, I'm watching so many "Christians"...people who share so many things about my upbringing, including the same holy text, including the desperate need to be "enough" to be pleasing to God and stay in the good graces of a congregation...I'm seeing such disdain and cruelty for the kinds of people I remember being welcomed: people fleeing dangerous regimes, people immigrating for a better life (including the right to worship according to their own consciences). I knew a family who were refugees in the 1970 from Cambodia, a family who were refugees from Madagascar. Both gave up everything. Both were sponsored by members of my childhood congregation.
But now, every conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical, American Christian I see on the news or on the internet is spouting hatred and exclusion.
I see and hear blind support for that man in the White House AND for his statements and policies. I see a resurgence of hostility and isolationism, of "me first" instead of inclusivity and love. I see NO condemnation of the cruelty and open sinfulness of that man in the White House...his behavior, his sexuality, his self-aggrandizement, his cruelty, his eagerness to exclude.
I REMEMBER the disdain of those around me for the "uppity" behavior of Hillary Clinton for being educated and capable, for doing her JOB. I REMEMBER people saying that if Bill Clinton couldn't be trusted to keep his marriage vows, then how could be trusted to uphold the oath of office. I SEE the SAME PEOPLE NOT leveling that concern at a man who didn't even know, upon becoming president, that we have a tri-partate government or what the role of each branch was. I SEE the SAME PEOPLE not seeming to have a problem with that man's daughter having broad access to things FOR WHICH SHE HAS NO EDUCATION nor even a proper security clearance.
I READ vulgar comments that lump together whole groups, judging the one by lies about the many. I see and hear and read racism and exclusion and hatred from those who quoted, as often as possible, that "God is not a respecter of persons," to prove that no individual is greater than another, that ALL are invited to their view of salvation.
I am so so offended by these positions, the way they HARM so many people, and do so while feeling righteous about their hurtful choices, words, and actions.
And I am SO ANGRY about this because I LITERALLY worked and tried SO HARD to live up to the demands of the Christian holy text that I worked my way right into a literal nervous breakdown that took YEARS to reconstruct myself from.
I KNOW what this text says. I KNOW what it means to try with every ounce of your being to follow it. I KNOW how unkind and presumptuous and condescending I was in some of the ways I attempted to adhere to All The Things. I know how I agonised over what I felt I needed to do to be even *heading toward* "good enough."
And I know, in every cell of my being, what it means to "Be ye therefore kind, one to another," and how DIFFICULT and CRITICAL that is. I know what it means to want to care for the widows and orphans and "the least of one of these."
I am deeply offended that these people, who profess to stand for the values I HARMED myself trying to follow closely "enough" are using out-of-context ideas, and, more importantly, WRONG ideas that are CONTRADICTED by the demands of this holy text, to cause HARM and spread HATRED in the way of those Pharisees they count as the villains of the story of one aspect of their deity.
I was WARNED to be cautious in my actions AND THOUGHTS as well as my public behavior, to avoid the outcome of "And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity."
They should consider themselves closely and reflect more directly on their oft-repeated, "What would Jesus do?"
I was going to find an article to quote/link...but there are Just. So. Many. This hurts my heart and makes me nauseated and hopeless. I am SO ANGRY. I know that these people KNOW the text that tells them to BE BETTER. I know because they used that text to tell me to BE BETTER. I am SO sad and heartsick about this.
Edit to add MORE from comments I'm making:
LITERALLY, the things I've kept and that I expect of myself morally?
Are the ones that are most about "Be ye therefore kind, one to another" and "As you have done for the least of one of these, so have you done to me," as my primary guideline.
I was raised with people who BELIEVED those things...and they wanted to Do It All Right...but they were also SO afraid of violating the edict that "As much as it stands with you, give offense to no man."
We had conversations about how we feared that, if we gave offense in the wrong moment, that we might drive someone "away from God" and have them when they were ready to hear, remember that offense and not come to us to seek out God, and have thus been responsible for "cutting him off from the Glory of God."
I was CONSTANTLY afraid I was going to ruin things for myself or others, that I would fail to "be angry and sin not" by somehow *sinning* while angry...so...I decided it was safer NOT to be angry. I feared being a "stumbling-block" to someone else's faith.
I KNOW people are out there who take these expectations as seriously as I did (and, honestly, still do, just minus the vengeful and demanding God and potential punishment). I cannot understand how so many people who I KNOW grew up hearing the same kinds of sermons I did, hearing the same verses quoted as I did--and learning to recite and analyze them along with book, chapter: verse citations!--can have disregarded all of what was contained in those lessons.
A comment in response to a question of whether those around me took Bible study as seriously as I did:
ALL OF US.
Of course, our congregation, in a town of 25,000 people and 25,000 students, was only 120 individuals (including every living being present) on good Sunday mornings.
But I went to youth rallies and church camp and week-long Being Christlike Women conferences and SO many meetings with other people who were members of churches of Christ in various places, and when we were out of town, we STILL attended. We would literally find the nearest church and stop DRIVING to go to services along the way--or leave early enough to get to services where we were going on Sunday morning/night or Wednesday night...I QUIT ORCHESTRA (after 5 years of playing violin) because all of our concerts were on Wednesday nights and I was sick of being required to miss church once or twice a year, and I was concerned about putting something ahead of church. And the type of lessons in Sunday school, the kind of study, the kinds of sermons, ALL OF THAT mirrored what we did in our congregation.
It's what churches of Christ are like. (There used to be a joke in Tennessee that, "If you can't find a Bible in a court room, just find one of those church of Christ people and put your hand on their head.")
(And the writing of it as church of Christ with the first lowercase "c" is something that is discussed as an important way to demonstrate that it is CHRIST whose body the church is, that the "church" is not the more important entity--more English lessons! And the more conservative congregations will make sure to do their signs in all caps--in order to avoid the fact that you can't make the non-capitalization a thing--and will often list it as CHURCH OF CHRIST MEETS HERE in order to emphasize that the *building* is a convenient *meeting place* but that the *church* is the people, and not the building.)
This is what my people were and are like.
And yet...there are some of THESE people--especially in smaller towns and farther south--who are outright hateful. I have two other church of Christ ex-member friends here on FB (and one here on DW,
settiai and...it's IMPOSSIBLE to explain other than to say it's like having left a cult (a designation that the churches of Christ vehemently deny; they believe they are the ONLY group that is reviving and adequately adhering to 1st Century Christianity As Christ Taught and that Everyone Else Is Going To Hell; I learned from childhood ON how to prove the wrongness of other churches' doctrines and practices WITH SCRIPTURE).
This entry was cross-posted at https://amilyn.dreamwidth.org/849175.html.