Parenting questions
seldear asked a set of questions in her LJ and, instead of putting this in her comments, I'm answering here and linking.
Full disclosure: I am one of them what's adopted. I was adopted in 1970 through a US state agency in a close adoption. I always knew I was adopted and my mom told us all our lives that, when we were old enough, if we wanted to search for biological family, she would help us however she could.
My birthmother did not see me before she relinquished me and I went home with my parents when I was 4 days old before she even left the hospital. I found my birthmother's name in medical records when I was 14 and a candystriper at the local hospital by looking up the name that was on my adoption papers from the court, which included a last name (something that would have been highly unlikely to have occurred even just a bit later). I showed my mom the information when I got home, and then we just sat on it for a while.
When I was going to graduate from high school, my mom asked if I'd like to contact my birthmother and ask her to graduation. I decided that, yeah, I'd like to try. We got a phone number, called in the most discreet way possible, and, in the best possible response, when I said, "I think I used to be Michele," my birthmother said, "I always thought you'd call some day." At graduation, it was my moms who hugged each other first, tripping over each other to thank one another, even before I was acknowledged. It was beautiful.
My birthmother and I continue to have a relationship and she is one of my kids' three grandmothers. She picked my mom up from the train when my daughter was born, and my mom stayed over with her when both the kids were born. They went shopping together, hung out, and had a really lovely time. I'm tremendously fortunate.
1. Who do you consider your parents? How would you define the term 'parent'?
I consider one's "parents" those who raise someone. So, having been raised my whole life by my adoptive parents, I consider my mom and dad (the ones who adopted me) to be my parents. Even now that my dad is MIA and I haven't heard from him in nearly 10 years, he and my mom are still "my parents"; it was their work that supported me and their influence that shaped me as a child.
Now, my birthmother is certainly one of my mothers, but she's neither my "mom" (that's only the name for my mom), nor is she my "parent"; she didn't shepherd me in the way I see parents doing. That said, I consider my birthmother's ancestors my ancestors, and my parents' ancestors as unrelated to me unless I personally met and interacted with them.
My husband, also adopted in a closed state adoption, is slightly curious about his birthparents, but absolutely considers his mom and dad to be his parents. He also claims their heritage and ancestors as his in a way that I don't in my adoptive family, which is interesting.
2. How important is it to have children of your own? Could you adopt a child and raise it if it wasn't your blood and bone?
This was hugely important to me. I wanted to be part of a family where I had more in common than our shared domicile. I wanted to spend time with people who share my genes, my predilections. I wanted to know someone who looks like me (and, of course, my kids both look like clones of my husband...).
I don't know if I could adopt a child. I think I could if there were a need, but I don't know if I could raise an adopted child as my own. And I would be terrified. Adoption is even more of a crap shoot than having your own kids; in both my family and my husband's family there have been terrible repercussions from adoptions even though ours have been successful and even though in his family things have stabilized into a positive situation. There are so many unknowns--especially with drug use a possibility, with family history of mental illness or genetic disorders a concern (we know so much more about how powerful those things are than we used to, and while we don't know that our own, biological children won't inherit something latent, we have even less knowledge about children outside our gene pool)--especially with older children with scary, not-entirely-known pasts. I don't know. I don't want to have to find out.
My husband could do it. He could even do foster care. I couldn't.
3. Other than your parents, who in your family/relations/social circle has made an impact on your social/emotional/spiritual/personal development, and why?
My friend tpala's parents and family are a huge influence on me; they were there when I needed a refuge and when I was particularly malleable and in developmental flux. They had a huge influence on my food habits, my political views, so many things.
Fandom, which is responsible for my current circle of friends, and that circle of friends (particularly taraljc, finabair and wiliqueen, have had a huge impact on my life and development. They have been my counselors, my saviors, my friends. I have had creative ventures with them and they have nurtured my little bits of creativity--costuming, writing, plotting. They have continued speaking to me through great upheaval and have helped me grow and change through scary, scary changes.
There are many others, but those are the ones who stand out most in a quick treatment of these interesting and complex questions.
The icon here is my newborn son's head and my hand, my daughter's hand, and my birthmother's hand. :-)
Full disclosure: I am one of them what's adopted. I was adopted in 1970 through a US state agency in a close adoption. I always knew I was adopted and my mom told us all our lives that, when we were old enough, if we wanted to search for biological family, she would help us however she could.
My birthmother did not see me before she relinquished me and I went home with my parents when I was 4 days old before she even left the hospital. I found my birthmother's name in medical records when I was 14 and a candystriper at the local hospital by looking up the name that was on my adoption papers from the court, which included a last name (something that would have been highly unlikely to have occurred even just a bit later). I showed my mom the information when I got home, and then we just sat on it for a while.
When I was going to graduate from high school, my mom asked if I'd like to contact my birthmother and ask her to graduation. I decided that, yeah, I'd like to try. We got a phone number, called in the most discreet way possible, and, in the best possible response, when I said, "I think I used to be Michele," my birthmother said, "I always thought you'd call some day." At graduation, it was my moms who hugged each other first, tripping over each other to thank one another, even before I was acknowledged. It was beautiful.
My birthmother and I continue to have a relationship and she is one of my kids' three grandmothers. She picked my mom up from the train when my daughter was born, and my mom stayed over with her when both the kids were born. They went shopping together, hung out, and had a really lovely time. I'm tremendously fortunate.
1. Who do you consider your parents? How would you define the term 'parent'?
I consider one's "parents" those who raise someone. So, having been raised my whole life by my adoptive parents, I consider my mom and dad (the ones who adopted me) to be my parents. Even now that my dad is MIA and I haven't heard from him in nearly 10 years, he and my mom are still "my parents"; it was their work that supported me and their influence that shaped me as a child.
Now, my birthmother is certainly one of my mothers, but she's neither my "mom" (that's only the name for my mom), nor is she my "parent"; she didn't shepherd me in the way I see parents doing. That said, I consider my birthmother's ancestors my ancestors, and my parents' ancestors as unrelated to me unless I personally met and interacted with them.
My husband, also adopted in a closed state adoption, is slightly curious about his birthparents, but absolutely considers his mom and dad to be his parents. He also claims their heritage and ancestors as his in a way that I don't in my adoptive family, which is interesting.
2. How important is it to have children of your own? Could you adopt a child and raise it if it wasn't your blood and bone?
This was hugely important to me. I wanted to be part of a family where I had more in common than our shared domicile. I wanted to spend time with people who share my genes, my predilections. I wanted to know someone who looks like me (and, of course, my kids both look like clones of my husband...).
I don't know if I could adopt a child. I think I could if there were a need, but I don't know if I could raise an adopted child as my own. And I would be terrified. Adoption is even more of a crap shoot than having your own kids; in both my family and my husband's family there have been terrible repercussions from adoptions even though ours have been successful and even though in his family things have stabilized into a positive situation. There are so many unknowns--especially with drug use a possibility, with family history of mental illness or genetic disorders a concern (we know so much more about how powerful those things are than we used to, and while we don't know that our own, biological children won't inherit something latent, we have even less knowledge about children outside our gene pool)--especially with older children with scary, not-entirely-known pasts. I don't know. I don't want to have to find out.
My husband could do it. He could even do foster care. I couldn't.
3. Other than your parents, who in your family/relations/social circle has made an impact on your social/emotional/spiritual/personal development, and why?
My friend tpala's parents and family are a huge influence on me; they were there when I needed a refuge and when I was particularly malleable and in developmental flux. They had a huge influence on my food habits, my political views, so many things.
Fandom, which is responsible for my current circle of friends, and that circle of friends (particularly taraljc, finabair and wiliqueen, have had a huge impact on my life and development. They have been my counselors, my saviors, my friends. I have had creative ventures with them and they have nurtured my little bits of creativity--costuming, writing, plotting. They have continued speaking to me through great upheaval and have helped me grow and change through scary, scary changes.
There are many others, but those are the ones who stand out most in a quick treatment of these interesting and complex questions.
The icon here is my newborn son's head and my hand, my daughter's hand, and my birthmother's hand. :-)