decimal / 0.001% / greeting card / hanchul goldfish / ittad fic [11/?]
kyumin | pg13 | ~5,900w | sungmin is a greeting card writer. he's good only at sympathy cards and rude only to dr. cho.
beta → teexsaurus, lets go for beef!
a/n → ittad = i-thought-the-author-died
Chapter 11: 我才沒他那麽笨! | I’m not as dumb as him!
Kyuhyun was being especially caring towards Sungmin throughout the journey. In fact, he shone like a particularly well cared for puppy.
How irritating.
“Let me carry the bags for you. I insist. Oops. Sorry, I hope you didn’t put your laptop in there….did you?”
“Egg sandwich for you? I’ve removed the cucumbers. Oh, you like cucumbers? I’ll put them back…”
“Are you cold? It’s too cold in the train, isn’t it? It’s fine? You mean, you’re cold but it’s fine? Of course it’s not fine. Here, have my jacket. No, put it on, I’m not cold. Why are you being stubborn? I’m not cold, take it, I say- see, you have to make me spill the coffee, didn’t you.”
Sungmin put up with it because that was his way of saying sorry. But then Kyuhyun insisted on leading the way the moment they alighted from the train.
“Kyuhyun…”
“Yes?” Such an annoying spark of brilliant cheerfulness.
“This is my hometown.”
“Oh right,” Kyuhyun muttered. Then he snickered and obediently scampered to walk beside Sungmin who promptly took his hand by the wrist and started to look for a cab. It was necessary because Kyuhyun was being hyperactive and sure enough, the kid quietened down when their hands touched.
It was going to be a long cab ride (for Dr. Cho).
. . . . .
“Nice house,” Kyuhyun commented in what he hoped was a neutral voice when the cab drove up the driveway of the bungalow. He got out and yup, nice garden too.
Sungmin followed him out of the car. “Come on,” he muttered and attempted to drag Kyuhyun away from the porch and up to the front door.
“Wait,” Kyunhyun shook his wrist free from Sungmin’s grip and clasped his hand within his instead. “What does your family do for a living?”
Sungmin frowned at their handholding. He wrenched his hand free and grabbed Kyuhyun’s wrist again. “We run a small business. Land’s cheaper here than in Seoul, that’s all.”
Kyuhyun slid his hand over Sungmin’s and laced their fingers together in reply. Sungmin countered by flinging his hand away and taking Kyuhyun’s forearm instead. They continued their three year old antics until someone opened the door. Kyuhyun froze, one hand still trying to engage Sungmin in handlocking.
“Mum,” Sungmin greeted.
The woman, who looked to be in her mid-forties, smiled warmly at him in response. Then she looked curiously at Kyuhyun who immediately dropped Sungmin’s hand and caused it to hit the handle of his suitcase. “A visitor,” she quipped, tilting her head to one side, just as Sungmin let out a yowl of pain.
Kyuhyun sank into the deepest solemnest bow and Sungmin almost sprained his eyebrow by elevating it so high, that it crashed into his hairline. “Nice to meet you, mum- , I mean, Mrs. Lee. My name is Cho Kyuhyun.”
. . . . .
There were plenty of rooms in the house but Kyuhyun was an unexpected guest and Sangmi refused to let him into the unprepared guest room because that was just plain rude. It took Kyuhyun minimal efforts (simply because he was so good at it) to persuade her that there was no need to trouble and he could just share the room with Sungmin. Choking on his spit, Sungmin’s protests were quelled by a stern look from his mum so all he could do was choke some more.
“You didn’t come home the last time you were here,” Sungmin’s mum admonished.
“I was just here to run some errands. There wasn’t enough time,” Sungmin sulked.
“We have a guest here. Where are your manners?” Sangmi scolded and Sungmin’s pouting ceased. Kyuhyun was in awe. His prospective mother-in-law should be given a country to rule.
“How have you been? Can you see better now?” She laid her hand on the back of Sungmin’s neck. Sungmin uttered something unintelligent and decided that he best showed Kyuhyun his room now. Surprisingly, Sangmi let them go.
“She still thinks I’m blind,” Sungmin might have mumbled when they were making their way up the stairs. Kyuhyun wisely remained a mute.
The bungalow was a two storey building, all blue and white with a sprawling garden which was painstakingly well maintained. The blue and white décor was uniform throughout the house. Sungmin’s room had robin egg blue walls and cream curtains. Not that it mattered to him anymore. Despite his long absence, the room was kept spick and span. A line of framed photographs stood glimmering on the computer desk and detailed Sungmin’s transformation from a boy to his teenage years. Kyuhyun studied them with interest. There was a gap of several years from the end of that trail to the present Sungmin. Vaguely, Kyuhyun wondered where those years went.
Sungmin placed their luggage at the foot of his queen sized bed and finally acknowledged the unmistakable. “There’s only one bed.”
Kyuhyun suddenly had no idea where he should place his hands. After a series of worthless gesturing from him, Sungmin said, “I don’t snore.”
“I don’t snore either,” Kyuhyun replied in a hoarse hopeful voice.
“OK.” And the issue was considered close. Kyuhyun was relieved. He was about to express his joy by plopping into bed when Sungmin said, “Let’s go for a walk.”
. . . . .
“I used to study there,” Sungmin commented when they walked past a high school, some ten minutes away from the bungalow. Several boys in school uniform were being rowdy a few feet away. They watched them kick soccer for a while before continuing their walk. The evening sun turned everything into gold, including the back of Sungmin’s head and Kyuhyun watched him from behind for a few seconds before he turned around with a quizzical look on his face. Smiling, Kyuhyun jogged ahead to walk beside him. Miles stretched out ahead of them and Sungmin interspersed the silence with bits of information as they strolled. That was the persimmon tree he had once fallen from. The café he frequented throughout his days as a schoolboy. The huge rock that marked the spot where he won his first fight.
“You fight?” Kyuhyun laughed.
“All boys fight,” Sungmin shrugged.
The fallen leaves, their edges trimmed with red, laid crushed at their feet; the skies were pink and the trees yellow. Their hair tickled their cheeks and the wind settled them in place again before they could right the mussed tresses. All these made Kyuhyun feel at ease with the foreign place. Autumn was already here.
They finally stopped when they reached a lake. Or rather, Sungmin paused in his steps when they round the bend and the body of water came into view. It was already dark. The moon casted its own shadow into the waters and they became silvery.
They took in the night view for a while. “Shall we return?” Kyuhyun asked. It was a little chilly. Both of them had neglected to put on their jackets when they left and all Sungmin wore was a long sleeved shirt. Sungmin stirred as he put his arms around himself but he shook his head and took a seat on one of the stone benches in a nearby pavilion instead. Kyuhyun sat down beside him.
“How were your school days like?” Sungmin asked after they settled down.
Kyuhyun adjusted the neat collar of his shirt. “You know what they were like,” he said dryly.
“Oh,” Sungmin replied, suddenly recalling what Kyuhyun had told him one windy morning.
Kyuhyun smiled wistfully to himself. “How were yours like,” he asked, looking over. Sungmin was gazing straight ahead at the lake, its waters rippling as the wind send them rocking against the grass banks.
The silence was prolonged and longer than what was necessary for one to come up with an answer, so Kyuhyun thought he was going to get ignored. But then Sungmin suddenly pointed to the center of the lake and said softly, “Mine ended right over there.”
Kyuhyun was taken aback. He blinked and opened his mouth. Sungmin’s past was a mystery he had always wanted to unravel but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed any questions. Sungmin turned to him, his face reflecting Kyuhyun’s surprise, as if he didn’t know he would react like this. Then he let out a chuckle, revisiting the scene in the godforsaken cemetery again. Sungmin was sure his face back then was the exact mirror image of Kyuhyun’s right now. Dr. Cho cleared his throat to disguise his discomfort. His eyes were now on his lap, fists clenching and unclenching on his knees.
And it was something like this: Everyone hoards meaningless secrets in a box. They lock the pain up and away in a deep well. Sometimes echoes surface from the pits and people know they’ve never really healed. Until those secrets become significant to someone. Until that someone becomes the key to that box. And they finally discover then, there’s simply no cure. But there’s always someone to make things better. Because that’s the strange way emotions get recycled.
‘He’s waiting,’ Sungmin realized. And he was glad that Kyuhyun hadn’t asked but then some people don’t need to be asked, do they? Surely, it hadn’t been easy for Kyuhyun to share with him his past back then either. Sungmin remembered how Kyuhyun had looked with his back to the sun that day, the way his mouth had turned downwards and how hard he had tried to smile. He started clearing his throat too.
“That was in my third year of high school,” Sungmin began and Kyuhyun stiffened. “There was a school trip. Nothing much, just a trip in the boat across the lake for a drawing exercise,” he said and elaborated, “This lake.”
Then Sungmin frowned and Kyuhyun chanced a furtive glance at him. “Wait, that wasn’t the beginning.” He scratched his head as he sifted through the old memories. “Yeah, the beginning was when I befriended them.” Kyuhyun faced the dark waters again.
“His name was Kangin, hers was Heejin. We hung out a lot during school. We shared a bottle of coke, ate from the same bowl, cheated together at the exams. You know how it was like during high school, don’t you?” Kyuhyun shook his head. His school days were perhaps, a tad different from the usual. Sungmin nodded his understanding or maybe he was just acknowledging Kyuhyun. Anyway. “There were times when we teased each other, but what did we know? We were seventeen and we were best friends but the rumors started.”
“The guys in our class said that, that, there was something between Kangin and I. We were just, hmmm, close? He was really nice to me, even though no one likes me very much. Told me I never had to change for people who don’t matter,” Sungmin removed his glasses and wiped them tiredly on his sleeve. This was definitely hard. Kyuhyun discovered that he had been holding his breath. Slowly, he let out the air he had been keeping in. He recollected the conversation they once had in the car. So Kangin had been that first person. There was an unfamiliar sting and Kyuhyun grudgingly labeled it as jealousy.
Sungmin put his glasses back on. It slipped off the bridge of his nose but he chose to ignore it. “For some reason, Heejin drifted apart from us and gradually, Kangin began hanging out with a bunch of other guys in the school and I…was alone.”
Kyuhyun sniffed. It acted as a comma to Sungmin’s admission. The night was getting cold so Sungmin rushed on. “Then there was the school trip. I was sitting on the deck, minding my own business. I knew they were talking about me. I could hear them and it wasn’t like they were being discreet. I just, I just didn’t know why he became a part of them.” Kyuhyun could still hear the question in Sungmin’s sigh. He nestled closer to him and when Sungmin looked over questioningly, Kyuhyun said quietly, “It’s cold.” Nodding, Sungmin unfurled his fists and ploughed on.
“Then they pushed me into the water.” Kyuhyun’s gasp was louder than intended but it was difficult for Sungmin to stop now. “He pushed me into the water. Some dare, I heard later. My head hit something, a rock, maybe, I have no idea,” Sungmin’s hand went up to his head, his palm rested against the back of his head, gaze slightly befuddled. In fact, he looked comical but Kyuhyun was incapable of laughing. “There was pain and blood, I must have been unconscious. They said he saved me. He saved me,” Sungmin repeated, his voice had a tinge of incredulity in it. “But it wasn’t enough. From that day onwards, I couldn’t see properly. He visited me in the hospital on the eleventh day I was hospitalized. I didn’t count but mum crossed out the days in the table calendar for me. Tears are colorless, you know that? I discovered it that day when they sank into my hospital gown.”
“I completed high school in the hospital. Mum didn’t like it but I convinced her to let me move to Seoul. I didn’t have to of course, but at the same time, I also knew there was no other way than escape. We never saw each other again. The three of us.” Sungmin finally pushed his glasses up and something resembling a raindrop slipped from his eyes. “And that was it”
Sungmin’s hand was shaking. He hadn’t noticed it until Kyuhyun laid his hand over his. He lifted his head slowly but Kyuhyun pulled him into his arms before their eyes could meet. Sungmin resisted, he put his hands on Kyuhyun’s shoulders and tried to push him away. But Kyuhyun only held on tighter, he had one arm pinned down against Sungmin’s back and his free hand went to the back of Sungmin’s head and pressed it down so that Sungmin’s chin was on his shoulder.
Sungmin felt something crack open inside him and in that very instance, his defenses turned to dust. For someone who had been keeping up a strong front for so long, all he really needed was just a hug. It shouldn’t be that way. Something as intangible as yesterday shouldn’t be allowed to cause so much pain. Yet for all his valiant attempts, it’s funny when something as fragile as a human tries to be strong; it’s almost as if he is afraid to be alive.
It was cold and Kyuhyun’s embrace was so warm. Maybe it was alright to surrender to the comfort Kyuhyun offered because it was getting so tedious to just keep talking. He could barely manage a whisper against the crook of Kyuhyun’s neck. “They keep telling me I’m sick. I’m not sick. I’m not. You know?”
Kyuhyun rested his head against Sungmin. He wasn’t so sure he was the one offering consolation anymore.
. . . . .
That night, Sungmin took an unusually long time in the shower. When he came out his eyes weren’t red-rimmed but he did seem wearier. He donned blue flannel PJs; apparently, his wardrobe back home wasn’t updated with his current preferences. Sungmin’s hair was sticking up like a porcupine and he shrunk back uneasily when Kyuhyun moved to pat it down. Time seemed to have frozen for a second.
“Your turn.”
Kyuhyun nodded and he took his outreached hand back. He made his way to the bathroom where he observed red-rimmed eyes in the foggy mirror. Sighing, he washed off the mask he had been wearing. Otherwise, he hadn’t been sure how he was going to react when he heard what Sungmin had to say back at the lake. When he came out, Sungmin was already in bed and Kyuhyun was unsure. He didn’t want Sungmin to flinch away from him again.
But then Sungmin moved over to one side and gestured Kyuhyun over. “Did I scare you today?” Sungmin asked as Kyuhyun pulled back the covers and climbed in beside him. They lay on their sides, curled up and facing each other on the bed. The cautiousness in his voice made Kyuhyun sad. He moved his head slowly from side to side, causing his hair to mash against the blue bedsheets and tickle his cheek. “I’m not crazy,” Sungmin clarified in a small voice. He drew the blanket up and over half of his face such that only his eyes were visible. They were avoiding Kyuhyun.
“No, you’re not,” Kyuhyun agreed and felt something clenched around his heart. He had wanted to say ‘I know’, but in reality, he would never be able to understand how Sungmin felt, now and then. Growing up breaks a lot of people. In some ways, Sungmin could never be perfect again. But in the ways he could be mended, Kyuhyun wanted to patch him up piece by piece. Even if he had no idea how to, even if he had no idea if he could. It wasn’t sensible, but perhaps sensible wasn’t a word one should use on Kyuhyun.
“Were you scared?” he asked softly.
“Used to but I feel fine enough to talk about it now.”
“Why so?”
“Because you were there.” Sungmin looked at Kyuhyun whose heart had started to throb. Sometimes he hurt so much. “Were you scared too? Did I make it OK for you back then? I hope I did.”
Kyuhyun could see himself in Sungmin’s eyes. He wanted so badly to take him into his arms right then. Hug Sungmin so tight that he was embedded within Kyuhyun, so they could share and ease each other’s fears. But he couldn’t. He hated the pockets of space, silence, time; anything that defined distance between them. How could they be together and apart at the same time?
“Sleep,” Kyuhyun said, choosing to swallow his greed instead. The word moved like a soft caress across Sungmin’s eyelids and he closed his eyes. Kyuhyun reached out and flicked the lights off. Long slanted shadows pounced onto Sungmin. They highlighted the trembling of his eyelashes and Kyuhyun watched until the trembling ceased and Sungmin’s breathing became deep and rhythmic. Then he finally let out the long breath he had been holding. He knew tonight was going to be a sleepless night. He just didn’t know it would be like this.
To make things easier for himself, he gently turned over so that his back faced Sungmin. But then Sungmin moved in his sleep and a hand was suddenly nudging Kyuhyun’s back. This broke Kyuhyun. He turned back to face Sungmin and stealthily moved closer to him until he could smell the same faint fragrance in his hair, until their lips were almost touching. Kyuhyun’s heart was a frantic bird fluttering in his ribcage. The quiet of the night amplified the roar that ripped through him. He simply had no idea how to keep his calm around Sungmin.
There was too much to lose, however. So before their lips could touch, Kyuhyun changed his mind. His lips traced a light path all the way to the tips of Sungmin’s ears.
“You make everything OK.” The whisper was soft and fleeting against flushed ears. Sungmin smiled faintly into the pillow and had a dreamless night.
Kyuhyun closed his eyes too, and spent one of the loneliest nights of his life with Sungmin beside him.
. . . . .
Early next morning
“You look like absolute crap. Didn’t you get any sleep?”
“Die.”
. . . . .
Today was the day of the wedding. Sungmin had been extremely nervous and Kyuhyun had to straighten his pink bowtie for him more than once.
“How do I look?” Sungmin asked tersely just before they entered the hotel ballroom.
“Absolute crap,” Kyuhyun answered with a smile and tussled his hair. Actually, the chick looked more than perfect in his grey suit.
“Get off me!” Sungmin protested and fought Kyuhyun off with a karate chop aimed at his shoulder. A lady in an off-shoulder yellow dress stared at them. Most of the wedding guests swirled around them and moved into the ballroom.
“Sungmin,” someone called out from behind them and Sungmin’s scowl was wiped off until his face became a blank.
“Kangin,” he greeted in return. Kyuhyun studied Sungmin scratching his nose and he knew the latter was uncomfortable. “My name is Kyuhyun,” he introduced himself and intercepted the look Kangin was giving Sungmin.
“I hope you don’t mind me bringing a guest,” Sungmin said hurriedly, glad for any form of distraction.
“Where’s the bride,” Kyuhyun asked cheerfully. Whatever it was that Kyuhyun was up to, he was being good at it.
Kangin pointed to the far end of the hall. “I’ll catch up with Heejin,” Sungmin’s words were jumbled and he almost tripped over his own feet as he fled from Kangin.
Kyuhyun watched Kangin’s gaze tailed Sungmin as he picked his way among the guests until he reached the small crowd that gathered around the bride. There was a small sad smile on the groom’s face. Everything suddenly made a lot more sense to Kyuhyun.
“You like him,” Kyuhyun blurted on the spurt of the moment. Someone shrieked and Kangin jerked around. But it was just one of the bridesmaids who spilled her drink down the front of her white dress. He swiveled back to stare at Kyuhyun, who shrugged and said, “I know.”
“You are?”
“Cho Kyuhyun,” he repeated his name.
Kangin smiled, or smirked, really. “What do you know, Mr. Cho?”
“More than he does,” Kyuhyun tilted his head in the direction where Sungmin was now playing catch-up with the bride, “and please, call me Kyuhyun,” he grinned.
Kangin regarded Kyuhyun with a careful eye. That’s fine, Kyuhyun figured, I am the stranger. Then Kangin looked over at Sungmin who caught his eye and returned him a forced smile. That dissolved Kangin’s misgivings.
“I liked him,” he corrected Kyuhyun. There was an underlying tinge of regret.
“Hmmm,” Kyuhyun frowned and picked at his black tie. He suddenly had nothing to say. In the background, the band was beginning to play a tune Kyuhyun didn’t recognize. Something annoying, anyway.
“I did something really bad to him.”
Kyuhyun nearly missed it. The band had a particularly bad violinist and the jarring notes almost engulfed Kangin’s confession. But only just.
“I know,” Kyuhyun said again.
“You knew?”
Kyuhyun smiled and tapped two fingers on his right cheek, on the area just beneath his eyes. Then he stopped smiling. “Everything.”
There are times when pain doesn’t have a voice so Kangin merely tightened his jaw. But his anguish was in clear view on his face and Kyuhyun felt a small twinge of guilt for being unnecessarily cruel.
However, after he had collected himself, Kangin shook his head instead. “No, no that,” he said, closing his eyes for an instance too long, “I was the one who started those rumors about us.” Kangin quirked his lips. It might have been a self-deprecating grin but there was too much bitterness. “You didn’t know this,” he remarked smugly when Kyuhyun widened his eyes.
“Why?”
For such a difficult question, Kangin didn’t take too long with his answer. “Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe because I knew we could never be. Maybe because I was angry with him for not knowing. I was too young,” his fingers moved to his wedding band and started to twist it around his ring finger as if he was making to remove it. Kyuhyun knew that was an unconscious gesture.
“But you no longer feel anything for him,” Kyuhyun concluded forcefully. He watched the groom’s hands drop to his sides and against his will, felt sorry for the younger Kangin and perhaps, a little sorry for himself too. “You couldn’t possibly tell if you guys were not meant to be. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Oh, I knew that. He loved her.”
It took Kyuhyun a while to comprehend that. When he caught on, he whipped his head back to stare sharply at Sungmin and Heejin. They were posing for a photo, Sungmin had an arm wrapped around Heejin’s waist. Wordlessly, Kyuhyun watched as Sungmin pulled Heejin closer to whisper into her ear.
“If only there were shortcuts in life,” Kangin reflected wistfully behind Kyuhyun, “then maybe we would inflict fewer wounds on ourselves.”
Kyuhyun turned swiftly to face Kangin but he was already making his leave.
“The violinist is terrible.” He pulled at the sleeves of his tux. “It was nice talking to you.” Kyuhyun knew that was a lie but that’s what strangers tell each other anyway.
“Wait…”
“Take care of him,” Kangin patted Kyuhyun’s shoulder and made to leave.
“What?” Kyuhyun looked at Kangin with puzzlement between his brows.
Kangin winked at him as he took his place beside the bride and Sungmin. He mouthed something to Kyuhyun.
I know.
Then he turned and said something to old high school friends. They laughed aloud together, just like old times, when they were younger and decidedly more foolish but happier. Experience tends to displace happiness. Several cameras flashed wildly to capture the scene but there was too much in this moment to fully encapsulate it in one picture.
Kyuhyun felt wholly like an outsider but then Sungmin caught his eye and sent out a silent plea for help. He snickered when Kangin placed his arm around Sungmin’s shoulder and the latter’s left cheek started to twitch. Some things had changed.
Memories may live forever but ultimately, they are nothing more than bookmarks of the past which we can never return to. That’s why people always say ‘look forward’. The past shouldn’t consume the future.
. . . . .
Kyuhyun was too distracted during the entire wedding dinner to actually distinguish the difference between lard and butter (what is the difference anway). Sure, he was fairly convinced that Sungmin no longer felt anything for Heejin, but he was worried about his own fate after hearing Kangin’s story. He didn’t want to become Sungmin’s next victim. Throughout the night, he kept radiating waves of mild panic. But Sungmin was immune to panic radioactivity and cared only about avoiding the glasses of alcohol that were being pushed to him. He was quiet all throughout the ride back too.
Kyuhyun lagged behind Sungmin as he trudged his way up the driveway to the bungalow. Sungmin hadn’t drunk anything alcoholic, but in his words, he had eaten too much and there was ‘an elephant in my tummy’. There was barely enough light to illuminate the back of his form or even to cast a shadow. The grind of their soles against stone interrupted the dead of the night. Sungmin’s head was hung low and Kyuhyun knew he was being selfish. The evening had been difficult for him too. But Kyuhyun couldn’t find it in himself to pacify Sungmin right now. Surely he could be stubborn for once. He stopped in his tracks and allowed Sungmin put a gap between the two of them.
Kyuhyun waited with abated breath. Sungmin hadn’t been able to see Kangin back then. Would he notice Kyuhyun? ‘If he turns around now, I won’t ask anything,’ Kyuhyun decided. “Turn around, turn around,” he chanted.
Completely unaware of Kyuhyun’s plight, the hateful Sungmin continued his miserable plod up the driveway. The minute was long and torturous for Kyuhyun as he watched Sungmin trod up to the front door (turn around), opened it (turn around, turn around) and went in (turn around now!).
He didn’t even bother leaving the door open for Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun let out a loud sigh and felt as if all his energy had seeped out from him. He sank down to the ground and started to mourn for himself. It was true, he had been expecting too much from Sungmin. He needed to stop inventing situations that he wanted Sungmin to fulfill. It was so unfair and probably served up nothing more than agony. But even so, it wouldn’t hurt for the chick to give him a little hope, would it. Kyuhyun should probably get back to the house now; he started hurling tiny rocks found on the ground in the general direction of the house (and therefore, Sungmin) instead. After the fourth stone, however, the door suddenly opened and Kyuhyun dropped the fifth rock. He watched Sungmin poked his head out, looking around until he spotted him sitting at the driveway. Then Sungmin scowled fiercely at Kyuhyun (who scowled right back at him) and walked up to him.
“Why are you sitting here?” Sungmin was bewildered. Stupid chick never had a clue.
Kyuhyun ceased his frowning. He stuck out his lower lip and looked up at Sungmin from where he sat. ‘Why don’t you want me’, he wanted to ask, but didn’t. He lowered his gaze instead, shaking his head woefully when Sungmin asked him to get up. If Kyuhyun were a sheep, he would have bleated.
Go away. I hate you.
“Why are you such a monster,” Sungmin whined. To Kyuhyun’s surprise, Sungmin took his wrist like before, and began pulling him up from the ground (like a turnip). He got up willingly and then cursed himself for being too easy. Without a word, Sungmin dragged Kyuhyun along with him back to the house. Kyuhyun moved as if in a trance. He kept his eyes on Sungmin’s profile. He had come to fetch him. The thought made Kyuhyun paused in his tracks again.
Does that make things alright now?
In retaliation, Sungmin tightened his hold on Kyuhyun’s wrist and gave it a tug. “Come on.” So Kyuhyun picked up his pace, since he had lost all capacity to negotiate for himself anyway.
‘If we’ve reached the front door and he still hasn’t let go, then maybe it’s fine for me to stay like this forever.’ Kyuhyun made a new decision. It was madly absurd how quiet the night was compared to his internal turmoil; it was destroying him to rein all his complicated feelings in. Some rubbish bin should start exploding, he thought. They’ve almost reached the door.
“You better let go now,” he warned Sungmin who yawned and flashed Kyuhyun his two front teeth. So adorable.
“Why are you trembling?” As if to ascertain the fact, Sungmin rubbed his thumb across on Kyuhyun’s skin, failing to register the crazy beat of his pulse.
Why are you killing me with your ambiguity?
Kyuhyun let Sungmin steer him into the house. Once he ambled gingerly through the front door, Kyuhyun whooped and swung Sungmin’s arm victoriously, not letting go even when the confused Sungmin pouted and complained about arthritis in old age. ‘That’s right, everything is going to be fine,’ Kyuhyun surmised most optimistically.
I’m not as dumb as Kangin!
. . . . .
The next morning, Kyuhyun woke before Sungmin did. He opened his eyes and Sungmin was the first thing he saw. The curtains parted slightly and patches of sunshine gushed in. He splayed his fingers open and played with the light, watching flighty shapes scurry across Sungmin’s face. This time his sleeping face was serene. Kyuhyun breathed in deeply and tasted bliss on the tip of his tongue. He smiled to himself.
Waking up with someone special is an incredible feeling.
Kyuhyun stretched carefully but Sungmin was a light sleeper. He peeled open an eyelid to glare blearily at Kyuhyun.
“Let’s go home,” Kyuhyun said in what he thought was a tender voice but Sungmin reached out and smacked him like he was an alarm clock.
. . . . .
Sungmin’s mum sighed when they came down the stairs with their luggage. “We haven’t even talked,” she lamented.
“I’ll be back again,” Sungmin offered as a way of apology.
Sangmi sighed again. “I’ve packed some kimchi for you to take back. It’s in the kitchen. Go get it.”
“I’ll get it,” Kyuhyun said.
“No, you’re the guest. Sungmin, go get it.”
After Sungmin left, Sangmi turned to Kyuhyun. “He takes to you.”
Kyuhyun didn’t know if that was a question, but he tried to come up with an answer. “We get along,” Kyuhyun said though he wasn’t entirely sure that they did.
Sangmi smiled. “He has always been a quiet child, doesn’t have a lot of friends,” she said. “He has been through much.” Her smile faltered. “Can you help me take care of him?”
Kyuhyun nodded but he added, “Sungmin is not weak.”
“He is sick.”
Bristling, Kyuhyun said, “There is nothing special about Sungmin that makes him require any help to get through life. He is the same as you and me. ”
“Please,” Sangmi lowered her head into a bow, “help me.”
“Mum?” Sungmin was back. Sensing something was wrong, he looked at Kyuhyun who started to pick up their luggage. “Let’s go,” he said.
Sungmin bade goodbye to his mum and noticed for the first time the white creeping up at her temples. He hadn’t seen them the last time he was here. When was the last time he had taken a good look at his mum? While he had been away, his mother had aged. Sangmi felt small and frail in his arms and suddenly, Sungmin didn’t want to leave anymore. “Mum…” he said, finding it hard to utter those important words.
“Go,” she said, stroking his hair. Sungmin hugged her again and found it difficult to let go.
Before they left, Kyuhyun gave Sangmi another curt nod. “Thank you,” she said in favor of goodbye.
. . . . .
If there are really Higher Beings out there writing the stories of our lives, surely some writing rules must be in place. To a certain extent, this explains why human lives are always in chaos. Rule breaking results in such joy that even Gods find it hard to resist.
Rules for Writing the Life of the Average Human (5th ed.; refer to 1.8.19 for Rules for Writing the Life of a Norwegian)
I At the end of every rocky road lays a bar of gold. Pick it up, be happy and get ready for the next piece of shit.
II In the greater scheme of things, people are genetically more inclined to love than hate (note: WIP).
III No one is allowed to fly. Especially the penguins.
IV Once Life starts getting smooth, insert a car accident.
If we were to not nitpick, this trip had gone entirely too well for Kyuhyun. This was in serious violation of Rule IV.
Cue for divine intervention.
When Kyuhyun and Sungmin reached their apartment, they got out of the cab and found a red sports car waiting at the ground floor. The inconsiderate engine was making a terrible racket and some residents had stuck their heads out of their windows to investigate. Sungmin tutted. When they neared, the car window suddenly rolled down and his mouth dropped open at the sight of an exceedingly familiar grin.
“Hi.” Yesung gave Sungmin a flamboyant wave of his hand. “You are mine now.”
to be continued
p.s.: yeah, i didn't expect to update so soon too. shock you, didn't i. it's ok. i shock myself too. everyday i shock.
p.p.s.: car accident not in reference to kyu's rl but, well, some other part of this fic. i forgot where. i forgot what i wrote 6 months ago lol (so did you, stop denying it)
p.p.p.s.: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
beta: wah, new word.
hence, author's dictionary
handlocking → a street fighting move someone uses on you if he/she is in love with you. oh btw, i edited smoke free zone some time ago, is this piece of information abrupt
beta → teexsaurus, lets go for beef!
a/n → ittad = i-thought-the-author-died
Chapter 11: 我才沒他那麽笨! | I’m not as dumb as him!
Kyuhyun was being especially caring towards Sungmin throughout the journey. In fact, he shone like a particularly well cared for puppy.
How irritating.
“Let me carry the bags for you. I insist. Oops. Sorry, I hope you didn’t put your laptop in there….did you?”
“Egg sandwich for you? I’ve removed the cucumbers. Oh, you like cucumbers? I’ll put them back…”
“Are you cold? It’s too cold in the train, isn’t it? It’s fine? You mean, you’re cold but it’s fine? Of course it’s not fine. Here, have my jacket. No, put it on, I’m not cold. Why are you being stubborn? I’m not cold, take it, I say- see, you have to make me spill the coffee, didn’t you.”
Sungmin put up with it because that was his way of saying sorry. But then Kyuhyun insisted on leading the way the moment they alighted from the train.
“Kyuhyun…”
“Yes?” Such an annoying spark of brilliant cheerfulness.
“This is my hometown.”
“Oh right,” Kyuhyun muttered. Then he snickered and obediently scampered to walk beside Sungmin who promptly took his hand by the wrist and started to look for a cab. It was necessary because Kyuhyun was being hyperactive and sure enough, the kid quietened down when their hands touched.
It was going to be a long cab ride (for Dr. Cho).
. . . . .
“Nice house,” Kyuhyun commented in what he hoped was a neutral voice when the cab drove up the driveway of the bungalow. He got out and yup, nice garden too.
Sungmin followed him out of the car. “Come on,” he muttered and attempted to drag Kyuhyun away from the porch and up to the front door.
“Wait,” Kyunhyun shook his wrist free from Sungmin’s grip and clasped his hand within his instead. “What does your family do for a living?”
Sungmin frowned at their handholding. He wrenched his hand free and grabbed Kyuhyun’s wrist again. “We run a small business. Land’s cheaper here than in Seoul, that’s all.”
Kyuhyun slid his hand over Sungmin’s and laced their fingers together in reply. Sungmin countered by flinging his hand away and taking Kyuhyun’s forearm instead. They continued their three year old antics until someone opened the door. Kyuhyun froze, one hand still trying to engage Sungmin in handlocking.
“Mum,” Sungmin greeted.
The woman, who looked to be in her mid-forties, smiled warmly at him in response. Then she looked curiously at Kyuhyun who immediately dropped Sungmin’s hand and caused it to hit the handle of his suitcase. “A visitor,” she quipped, tilting her head to one side, just as Sungmin let out a yowl of pain.
Kyuhyun sank into the deepest solemnest bow and Sungmin almost sprained his eyebrow by elevating it so high, that it crashed into his hairline. “Nice to meet you, mum- , I mean, Mrs. Lee. My name is Cho Kyuhyun.”
. . . . .
There were plenty of rooms in the house but Kyuhyun was an unexpected guest and Sangmi refused to let him into the unprepared guest room because that was just plain rude. It took Kyuhyun minimal efforts (simply because he was so good at it) to persuade her that there was no need to trouble and he could just share the room with Sungmin. Choking on his spit, Sungmin’s protests were quelled by a stern look from his mum so all he could do was choke some more.
“You didn’t come home the last time you were here,” Sungmin’s mum admonished.
“I was just here to run some errands. There wasn’t enough time,” Sungmin sulked.
“We have a guest here. Where are your manners?” Sangmi scolded and Sungmin’s pouting ceased. Kyuhyun was in awe. His prospective mother-in-law should be given a country to rule.
“How have you been? Can you see better now?” She laid her hand on the back of Sungmin’s neck. Sungmin uttered something unintelligent and decided that he best showed Kyuhyun his room now. Surprisingly, Sangmi let them go.
“She still thinks I’m blind,” Sungmin might have mumbled when they were making their way up the stairs. Kyuhyun wisely remained a mute.
The bungalow was a two storey building, all blue and white with a sprawling garden which was painstakingly well maintained. The blue and white décor was uniform throughout the house. Sungmin’s room had robin egg blue walls and cream curtains. Not that it mattered to him anymore. Despite his long absence, the room was kept spick and span. A line of framed photographs stood glimmering on the computer desk and detailed Sungmin’s transformation from a boy to his teenage years. Kyuhyun studied them with interest. There was a gap of several years from the end of that trail to the present Sungmin. Vaguely, Kyuhyun wondered where those years went.
Sungmin placed their luggage at the foot of his queen sized bed and finally acknowledged the unmistakable. “There’s only one bed.”
Kyuhyun suddenly had no idea where he should place his hands. After a series of worthless gesturing from him, Sungmin said, “I don’t snore.”
“I don’t snore either,” Kyuhyun replied in a hoarse hopeful voice.
“OK.” And the issue was considered close. Kyuhyun was relieved. He was about to express his joy by plopping into bed when Sungmin said, “Let’s go for a walk.”
. . . . .
“I used to study there,” Sungmin commented when they walked past a high school, some ten minutes away from the bungalow. Several boys in school uniform were being rowdy a few feet away. They watched them kick soccer for a while before continuing their walk. The evening sun turned everything into gold, including the back of Sungmin’s head and Kyuhyun watched him from behind for a few seconds before he turned around with a quizzical look on his face. Smiling, Kyuhyun jogged ahead to walk beside him. Miles stretched out ahead of them and Sungmin interspersed the silence with bits of information as they strolled. That was the persimmon tree he had once fallen from. The café he frequented throughout his days as a schoolboy. The huge rock that marked the spot where he won his first fight.
“You fight?” Kyuhyun laughed.
“All boys fight,” Sungmin shrugged.
The fallen leaves, their edges trimmed with red, laid crushed at their feet; the skies were pink and the trees yellow. Their hair tickled their cheeks and the wind settled them in place again before they could right the mussed tresses. All these made Kyuhyun feel at ease with the foreign place. Autumn was already here.
They finally stopped when they reached a lake. Or rather, Sungmin paused in his steps when they round the bend and the body of water came into view. It was already dark. The moon casted its own shadow into the waters and they became silvery.
They took in the night view for a while. “Shall we return?” Kyuhyun asked. It was a little chilly. Both of them had neglected to put on their jackets when they left and all Sungmin wore was a long sleeved shirt. Sungmin stirred as he put his arms around himself but he shook his head and took a seat on one of the stone benches in a nearby pavilion instead. Kyuhyun sat down beside him.
“How were your school days like?” Sungmin asked after they settled down.
Kyuhyun adjusted the neat collar of his shirt. “You know what they were like,” he said dryly.
“Oh,” Sungmin replied, suddenly recalling what Kyuhyun had told him one windy morning.
Kyuhyun smiled wistfully to himself. “How were yours like,” he asked, looking over. Sungmin was gazing straight ahead at the lake, its waters rippling as the wind send them rocking against the grass banks.
The silence was prolonged and longer than what was necessary for one to come up with an answer, so Kyuhyun thought he was going to get ignored. But then Sungmin suddenly pointed to the center of the lake and said softly, “Mine ended right over there.”
Kyuhyun was taken aback. He blinked and opened his mouth. Sungmin’s past was a mystery he had always wanted to unravel but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed any questions. Sungmin turned to him, his face reflecting Kyuhyun’s surprise, as if he didn’t know he would react like this. Then he let out a chuckle, revisiting the scene in the godforsaken cemetery again. Sungmin was sure his face back then was the exact mirror image of Kyuhyun’s right now. Dr. Cho cleared his throat to disguise his discomfort. His eyes were now on his lap, fists clenching and unclenching on his knees.
And it was something like this: Everyone hoards meaningless secrets in a box. They lock the pain up and away in a deep well. Sometimes echoes surface from the pits and people know they’ve never really healed. Until those secrets become significant to someone. Until that someone becomes the key to that box. And they finally discover then, there’s simply no cure. But there’s always someone to make things better. Because that’s the strange way emotions get recycled.
‘He’s waiting,’ Sungmin realized. And he was glad that Kyuhyun hadn’t asked but then some people don’t need to be asked, do they? Surely, it hadn’t been easy for Kyuhyun to share with him his past back then either. Sungmin remembered how Kyuhyun had looked with his back to the sun that day, the way his mouth had turned downwards and how hard he had tried to smile. He started clearing his throat too.
“That was in my third year of high school,” Sungmin began and Kyuhyun stiffened. “There was a school trip. Nothing much, just a trip in the boat across the lake for a drawing exercise,” he said and elaborated, “This lake.”
Then Sungmin frowned and Kyuhyun chanced a furtive glance at him. “Wait, that wasn’t the beginning.” He scratched his head as he sifted through the old memories. “Yeah, the beginning was when I befriended them.” Kyuhyun faced the dark waters again.
“His name was Kangin, hers was Heejin. We hung out a lot during school. We shared a bottle of coke, ate from the same bowl, cheated together at the exams. You know how it was like during high school, don’t you?” Kyuhyun shook his head. His school days were perhaps, a tad different from the usual. Sungmin nodded his understanding or maybe he was just acknowledging Kyuhyun. Anyway. “There were times when we teased each other, but what did we know? We were seventeen and we were best friends but the rumors started.”
“The guys in our class said that, that, there was something between Kangin and I. We were just, hmmm, close? He was really nice to me, even though no one likes me very much. Told me I never had to change for people who don’t matter,” Sungmin removed his glasses and wiped them tiredly on his sleeve. This was definitely hard. Kyuhyun discovered that he had been holding his breath. Slowly, he let out the air he had been keeping in. He recollected the conversation they once had in the car. So Kangin had been that first person. There was an unfamiliar sting and Kyuhyun grudgingly labeled it as jealousy.
Sungmin put his glasses back on. It slipped off the bridge of his nose but he chose to ignore it. “For some reason, Heejin drifted apart from us and gradually, Kangin began hanging out with a bunch of other guys in the school and I…was alone.”
Kyuhyun sniffed. It acted as a comma to Sungmin’s admission. The night was getting cold so Sungmin rushed on. “Then there was the school trip. I was sitting on the deck, minding my own business. I knew they were talking about me. I could hear them and it wasn’t like they were being discreet. I just, I just didn’t know why he became a part of them.” Kyuhyun could still hear the question in Sungmin’s sigh. He nestled closer to him and when Sungmin looked over questioningly, Kyuhyun said quietly, “It’s cold.” Nodding, Sungmin unfurled his fists and ploughed on.
“Then they pushed me into the water.” Kyuhyun’s gasp was louder than intended but it was difficult for Sungmin to stop now. “He pushed me into the water. Some dare, I heard later. My head hit something, a rock, maybe, I have no idea,” Sungmin’s hand went up to his head, his palm rested against the back of his head, gaze slightly befuddled. In fact, he looked comical but Kyuhyun was incapable of laughing. “There was pain and blood, I must have been unconscious. They said he saved me. He saved me,” Sungmin repeated, his voice had a tinge of incredulity in it. “But it wasn’t enough. From that day onwards, I couldn’t see properly. He visited me in the hospital on the eleventh day I was hospitalized. I didn’t count but mum crossed out the days in the table calendar for me. Tears are colorless, you know that? I discovered it that day when they sank into my hospital gown.”
“I completed high school in the hospital. Mum didn’t like it but I convinced her to let me move to Seoul. I didn’t have to of course, but at the same time, I also knew there was no other way than escape. We never saw each other again. The three of us.” Sungmin finally pushed his glasses up and something resembling a raindrop slipped from his eyes. “And that was it”
Sungmin’s hand was shaking. He hadn’t noticed it until Kyuhyun laid his hand over his. He lifted his head slowly but Kyuhyun pulled him into his arms before their eyes could meet. Sungmin resisted, he put his hands on Kyuhyun’s shoulders and tried to push him away. But Kyuhyun only held on tighter, he had one arm pinned down against Sungmin’s back and his free hand went to the back of Sungmin’s head and pressed it down so that Sungmin’s chin was on his shoulder.
Sungmin felt something crack open inside him and in that very instance, his defenses turned to dust. For someone who had been keeping up a strong front for so long, all he really needed was just a hug. It shouldn’t be that way. Something as intangible as yesterday shouldn’t be allowed to cause so much pain. Yet for all his valiant attempts, it’s funny when something as fragile as a human tries to be strong; it’s almost as if he is afraid to be alive.
It was cold and Kyuhyun’s embrace was so warm. Maybe it was alright to surrender to the comfort Kyuhyun offered because it was getting so tedious to just keep talking. He could barely manage a whisper against the crook of Kyuhyun’s neck. “They keep telling me I’m sick. I’m not sick. I’m not. You know?”
Kyuhyun rested his head against Sungmin. He wasn’t so sure he was the one offering consolation anymore.
. . . . .
That night, Sungmin took an unusually long time in the shower. When he came out his eyes weren’t red-rimmed but he did seem wearier. He donned blue flannel PJs; apparently, his wardrobe back home wasn’t updated with his current preferences. Sungmin’s hair was sticking up like a porcupine and he shrunk back uneasily when Kyuhyun moved to pat it down. Time seemed to have frozen for a second.
“Your turn.”
Kyuhyun nodded and he took his outreached hand back. He made his way to the bathroom where he observed red-rimmed eyes in the foggy mirror. Sighing, he washed off the mask he had been wearing. Otherwise, he hadn’t been sure how he was going to react when he heard what Sungmin had to say back at the lake. When he came out, Sungmin was already in bed and Kyuhyun was unsure. He didn’t want Sungmin to flinch away from him again.
But then Sungmin moved over to one side and gestured Kyuhyun over. “Did I scare you today?” Sungmin asked as Kyuhyun pulled back the covers and climbed in beside him. They lay on their sides, curled up and facing each other on the bed. The cautiousness in his voice made Kyuhyun sad. He moved his head slowly from side to side, causing his hair to mash against the blue bedsheets and tickle his cheek. “I’m not crazy,” Sungmin clarified in a small voice. He drew the blanket up and over half of his face such that only his eyes were visible. They were avoiding Kyuhyun.
“No, you’re not,” Kyuhyun agreed and felt something clenched around his heart. He had wanted to say ‘I know’, but in reality, he would never be able to understand how Sungmin felt, now and then. Growing up breaks a lot of people. In some ways, Sungmin could never be perfect again. But in the ways he could be mended, Kyuhyun wanted to patch him up piece by piece. Even if he had no idea how to, even if he had no idea if he could. It wasn’t sensible, but perhaps sensible wasn’t a word one should use on Kyuhyun.
“Were you scared?” he asked softly.
“Used to but I feel fine enough to talk about it now.”
“Why so?”
“Because you were there.” Sungmin looked at Kyuhyun whose heart had started to throb. Sometimes he hurt so much. “Were you scared too? Did I make it OK for you back then? I hope I did.”
Kyuhyun could see himself in Sungmin’s eyes. He wanted so badly to take him into his arms right then. Hug Sungmin so tight that he was embedded within Kyuhyun, so they could share and ease each other’s fears. But he couldn’t. He hated the pockets of space, silence, time; anything that defined distance between them. How could they be together and apart at the same time?
“Sleep,” Kyuhyun said, choosing to swallow his greed instead. The word moved like a soft caress across Sungmin’s eyelids and he closed his eyes. Kyuhyun reached out and flicked the lights off. Long slanted shadows pounced onto Sungmin. They highlighted the trembling of his eyelashes and Kyuhyun watched until the trembling ceased and Sungmin’s breathing became deep and rhythmic. Then he finally let out the long breath he had been holding. He knew tonight was going to be a sleepless night. He just didn’t know it would be like this.
To make things easier for himself, he gently turned over so that his back faced Sungmin. But then Sungmin moved in his sleep and a hand was suddenly nudging Kyuhyun’s back. This broke Kyuhyun. He turned back to face Sungmin and stealthily moved closer to him until he could smell the same faint fragrance in his hair, until their lips were almost touching. Kyuhyun’s heart was a frantic bird fluttering in his ribcage. The quiet of the night amplified the roar that ripped through him. He simply had no idea how to keep his calm around Sungmin.
There was too much to lose, however. So before their lips could touch, Kyuhyun changed his mind. His lips traced a light path all the way to the tips of Sungmin’s ears.
“You make everything OK.” The whisper was soft and fleeting against flushed ears. Sungmin smiled faintly into the pillow and had a dreamless night.
Kyuhyun closed his eyes too, and spent one of the loneliest nights of his life with Sungmin beside him.
. . . . .
Early next morning
“You look like absolute crap. Didn’t you get any sleep?”
“Die.”
. . . . .
Today was the day of the wedding. Sungmin had been extremely nervous and Kyuhyun had to straighten his pink bowtie for him more than once.
“How do I look?” Sungmin asked tersely just before they entered the hotel ballroom.
“Absolute crap,” Kyuhyun answered with a smile and tussled his hair. Actually, the chick looked more than perfect in his grey suit.
“Get off me!” Sungmin protested and fought Kyuhyun off with a karate chop aimed at his shoulder. A lady in an off-shoulder yellow dress stared at them. Most of the wedding guests swirled around them and moved into the ballroom.
“Sungmin,” someone called out from behind them and Sungmin’s scowl was wiped off until his face became a blank.
“Kangin,” he greeted in return. Kyuhyun studied Sungmin scratching his nose and he knew the latter was uncomfortable. “My name is Kyuhyun,” he introduced himself and intercepted the look Kangin was giving Sungmin.
“I hope you don’t mind me bringing a guest,” Sungmin said hurriedly, glad for any form of distraction.
“Where’s the bride,” Kyuhyun asked cheerfully. Whatever it was that Kyuhyun was up to, he was being good at it.
Kangin pointed to the far end of the hall. “I’ll catch up with Heejin,” Sungmin’s words were jumbled and he almost tripped over his own feet as he fled from Kangin.
Kyuhyun watched Kangin’s gaze tailed Sungmin as he picked his way among the guests until he reached the small crowd that gathered around the bride. There was a small sad smile on the groom’s face. Everything suddenly made a lot more sense to Kyuhyun.
“You like him,” Kyuhyun blurted on the spurt of the moment. Someone shrieked and Kangin jerked around. But it was just one of the bridesmaids who spilled her drink down the front of her white dress. He swiveled back to stare at Kyuhyun, who shrugged and said, “I know.”
“You are?”
“Cho Kyuhyun,” he repeated his name.
Kangin smiled, or smirked, really. “What do you know, Mr. Cho?”
“More than he does,” Kyuhyun tilted his head in the direction where Sungmin was now playing catch-up with the bride, “and please, call me Kyuhyun,” he grinned.
Kangin regarded Kyuhyun with a careful eye. That’s fine, Kyuhyun figured, I am the stranger. Then Kangin looked over at Sungmin who caught his eye and returned him a forced smile. That dissolved Kangin’s misgivings.
“I liked him,” he corrected Kyuhyun. There was an underlying tinge of regret.
“Hmmm,” Kyuhyun frowned and picked at his black tie. He suddenly had nothing to say. In the background, the band was beginning to play a tune Kyuhyun didn’t recognize. Something annoying, anyway.
“I did something really bad to him.”
Kyuhyun nearly missed it. The band had a particularly bad violinist and the jarring notes almost engulfed Kangin’s confession. But only just.
“I know,” Kyuhyun said again.
“You knew?”
Kyuhyun smiled and tapped two fingers on his right cheek, on the area just beneath his eyes. Then he stopped smiling. “Everything.”
There are times when pain doesn’t have a voice so Kangin merely tightened his jaw. But his anguish was in clear view on his face and Kyuhyun felt a small twinge of guilt for being unnecessarily cruel.
However, after he had collected himself, Kangin shook his head instead. “No, no that,” he said, closing his eyes for an instance too long, “I was the one who started those rumors about us.” Kangin quirked his lips. It might have been a self-deprecating grin but there was too much bitterness. “You didn’t know this,” he remarked smugly when Kyuhyun widened his eyes.
“Why?”
For such a difficult question, Kangin didn’t take too long with his answer. “Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe because I knew we could never be. Maybe because I was angry with him for not knowing. I was too young,” his fingers moved to his wedding band and started to twist it around his ring finger as if he was making to remove it. Kyuhyun knew that was an unconscious gesture.
“But you no longer feel anything for him,” Kyuhyun concluded forcefully. He watched the groom’s hands drop to his sides and against his will, felt sorry for the younger Kangin and perhaps, a little sorry for himself too. “You couldn’t possibly tell if you guys were not meant to be. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Oh, I knew that. He loved her.”
It took Kyuhyun a while to comprehend that. When he caught on, he whipped his head back to stare sharply at Sungmin and Heejin. They were posing for a photo, Sungmin had an arm wrapped around Heejin’s waist. Wordlessly, Kyuhyun watched as Sungmin pulled Heejin closer to whisper into her ear.
“If only there were shortcuts in life,” Kangin reflected wistfully behind Kyuhyun, “then maybe we would inflict fewer wounds on ourselves.”
Kyuhyun turned swiftly to face Kangin but he was already making his leave.
“The violinist is terrible.” He pulled at the sleeves of his tux. “It was nice talking to you.” Kyuhyun knew that was a lie but that’s what strangers tell each other anyway.
“Wait…”
“Take care of him,” Kangin patted Kyuhyun’s shoulder and made to leave.
“What?” Kyuhyun looked at Kangin with puzzlement between his brows.
Kangin winked at him as he took his place beside the bride and Sungmin. He mouthed something to Kyuhyun.
I know.
Then he turned and said something to old high school friends. They laughed aloud together, just like old times, when they were younger and decidedly more foolish but happier. Experience tends to displace happiness. Several cameras flashed wildly to capture the scene but there was too much in this moment to fully encapsulate it in one picture.
Kyuhyun felt wholly like an outsider but then Sungmin caught his eye and sent out a silent plea for help. He snickered when Kangin placed his arm around Sungmin’s shoulder and the latter’s left cheek started to twitch. Some things had changed.
Memories may live forever but ultimately, they are nothing more than bookmarks of the past which we can never return to. That’s why people always say ‘look forward’. The past shouldn’t consume the future.
. . . . .
Kyuhyun was too distracted during the entire wedding dinner to actually distinguish the difference between lard and butter (what is the difference anway). Sure, he was fairly convinced that Sungmin no longer felt anything for Heejin, but he was worried about his own fate after hearing Kangin’s story. He didn’t want to become Sungmin’s next victim. Throughout the night, he kept radiating waves of mild panic. But Sungmin was immune to panic radioactivity and cared only about avoiding the glasses of alcohol that were being pushed to him. He was quiet all throughout the ride back too.
Kyuhyun lagged behind Sungmin as he trudged his way up the driveway to the bungalow. Sungmin hadn’t drunk anything alcoholic, but in his words, he had eaten too much and there was ‘an elephant in my tummy’. There was barely enough light to illuminate the back of his form or even to cast a shadow. The grind of their soles against stone interrupted the dead of the night. Sungmin’s head was hung low and Kyuhyun knew he was being selfish. The evening had been difficult for him too. But Kyuhyun couldn’t find it in himself to pacify Sungmin right now. Surely he could be stubborn for once. He stopped in his tracks and allowed Sungmin put a gap between the two of them.
Kyuhyun waited with abated breath. Sungmin hadn’t been able to see Kangin back then. Would he notice Kyuhyun? ‘If he turns around now, I won’t ask anything,’ Kyuhyun decided. “Turn around, turn around,” he chanted.
Completely unaware of Kyuhyun’s plight, the hateful Sungmin continued his miserable plod up the driveway. The minute was long and torturous for Kyuhyun as he watched Sungmin trod up to the front door (turn around), opened it (turn around, turn around) and went in (turn around now!).
He didn’t even bother leaving the door open for Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun let out a loud sigh and felt as if all his energy had seeped out from him. He sank down to the ground and started to mourn for himself. It was true, he had been expecting too much from Sungmin. He needed to stop inventing situations that he wanted Sungmin to fulfill. It was so unfair and probably served up nothing more than agony. But even so, it wouldn’t hurt for the chick to give him a little hope, would it. Kyuhyun should probably get back to the house now; he started hurling tiny rocks found on the ground in the general direction of the house (and therefore, Sungmin) instead. After the fourth stone, however, the door suddenly opened and Kyuhyun dropped the fifth rock. He watched Sungmin poked his head out, looking around until he spotted him sitting at the driveway. Then Sungmin scowled fiercely at Kyuhyun (who scowled right back at him) and walked up to him.
“Why are you sitting here?” Sungmin was bewildered. Stupid chick never had a clue.
Kyuhyun ceased his frowning. He stuck out his lower lip and looked up at Sungmin from where he sat. ‘Why don’t you want me’, he wanted to ask, but didn’t. He lowered his gaze instead, shaking his head woefully when Sungmin asked him to get up. If Kyuhyun were a sheep, he would have bleated.
Go away. I hate you.
“Why are you such a monster,” Sungmin whined. To Kyuhyun’s surprise, Sungmin took his wrist like before, and began pulling him up from the ground (like a turnip). He got up willingly and then cursed himself for being too easy. Without a word, Sungmin dragged Kyuhyun along with him back to the house. Kyuhyun moved as if in a trance. He kept his eyes on Sungmin’s profile. He had come to fetch him. The thought made Kyuhyun paused in his tracks again.
Does that make things alright now?
In retaliation, Sungmin tightened his hold on Kyuhyun’s wrist and gave it a tug. “Come on.” So Kyuhyun picked up his pace, since he had lost all capacity to negotiate for himself anyway.
‘If we’ve reached the front door and he still hasn’t let go, then maybe it’s fine for me to stay like this forever.’ Kyuhyun made a new decision. It was madly absurd how quiet the night was compared to his internal turmoil; it was destroying him to rein all his complicated feelings in. Some rubbish bin should start exploding, he thought. They’ve almost reached the door.
“You better let go now,” he warned Sungmin who yawned and flashed Kyuhyun his two front teeth. So adorable.
“Why are you trembling?” As if to ascertain the fact, Sungmin rubbed his thumb across on Kyuhyun’s skin, failing to register the crazy beat of his pulse.
Why are you killing me with your ambiguity?
Kyuhyun let Sungmin steer him into the house. Once he ambled gingerly through the front door, Kyuhyun whooped and swung Sungmin’s arm victoriously, not letting go even when the confused Sungmin pouted and complained about arthritis in old age. ‘That’s right, everything is going to be fine,’ Kyuhyun surmised most optimistically.
I’m not as dumb as Kangin!
. . . . .
The next morning, Kyuhyun woke before Sungmin did. He opened his eyes and Sungmin was the first thing he saw. The curtains parted slightly and patches of sunshine gushed in. He splayed his fingers open and played with the light, watching flighty shapes scurry across Sungmin’s face. This time his sleeping face was serene. Kyuhyun breathed in deeply and tasted bliss on the tip of his tongue. He smiled to himself.
Waking up with someone special is an incredible feeling.
Kyuhyun stretched carefully but Sungmin was a light sleeper. He peeled open an eyelid to glare blearily at Kyuhyun.
“Let’s go home,” Kyuhyun said in what he thought was a tender voice but Sungmin reached out and smacked him like he was an alarm clock.
. . . . .
Sungmin’s mum sighed when they came down the stairs with their luggage. “We haven’t even talked,” she lamented.
“I’ll be back again,” Sungmin offered as a way of apology.
Sangmi sighed again. “I’ve packed some kimchi for you to take back. It’s in the kitchen. Go get it.”
“I’ll get it,” Kyuhyun said.
“No, you’re the guest. Sungmin, go get it.”
After Sungmin left, Sangmi turned to Kyuhyun. “He takes to you.”
Kyuhyun didn’t know if that was a question, but he tried to come up with an answer. “We get along,” Kyuhyun said though he wasn’t entirely sure that they did.
Sangmi smiled. “He has always been a quiet child, doesn’t have a lot of friends,” she said. “He has been through much.” Her smile faltered. “Can you help me take care of him?”
Kyuhyun nodded but he added, “Sungmin is not weak.”
“He is sick.”
Bristling, Kyuhyun said, “There is nothing special about Sungmin that makes him require any help to get through life. He is the same as you and me. ”
“Please,” Sangmi lowered her head into a bow, “help me.”
“Mum?” Sungmin was back. Sensing something was wrong, he looked at Kyuhyun who started to pick up their luggage. “Let’s go,” he said.
Sungmin bade goodbye to his mum and noticed for the first time the white creeping up at her temples. He hadn’t seen them the last time he was here. When was the last time he had taken a good look at his mum? While he had been away, his mother had aged. Sangmi felt small and frail in his arms and suddenly, Sungmin didn’t want to leave anymore. “Mum…” he said, finding it hard to utter those important words.
“Go,” she said, stroking his hair. Sungmin hugged her again and found it difficult to let go.
Before they left, Kyuhyun gave Sangmi another curt nod. “Thank you,” she said in favor of goodbye.
. . . . .
If there are really Higher Beings out there writing the stories of our lives, surely some writing rules must be in place. To a certain extent, this explains why human lives are always in chaos. Rule breaking results in such joy that even Gods find it hard to resist.
Rules for Writing the Life of the Average Human (5th ed.; refer to 1.8.19 for Rules for Writing the Life of a Norwegian)
I At the end of every rocky road lays a bar of gold. Pick it up, be happy and get ready for the next piece of shit.
II In the greater scheme of things, people are genetically more inclined to love than hate (note: WIP).
III No one is allowed to fly. Especially the penguins.
IV Once Life starts getting smooth, insert a car accident.
If we were to not nitpick, this trip had gone entirely too well for Kyuhyun. This was in serious violation of Rule IV.
Cue for divine intervention.
When Kyuhyun and Sungmin reached their apartment, they got out of the cab and found a red sports car waiting at the ground floor. The inconsiderate engine was making a terrible racket and some residents had stuck their heads out of their windows to investigate. Sungmin tutted. When they neared, the car window suddenly rolled down and his mouth dropped open at the sight of an exceedingly familiar grin.
“Hi.” Yesung gave Sungmin a flamboyant wave of his hand. “You are mine now.”
to be continued
p.s.: yeah, i didn't expect to update so soon too. shock you, didn't i. it's ok. i shock myself too. everyday i shock.
p.p.s.: car accident not in reference to kyu's rl but, well, some other part of this fic. i forgot where. i forgot what i wrote 6 months ago lol (so did you, stop denying it)
p.p.p.s.: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉﾉ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
beta: wah, new word.
hence, author's dictionary
handlocking → a street fighting move someone uses on you if he/she is in love with you. oh btw, i edited smoke free zone some time ago, is this piece of information abrupt