livejournal is un-blocked at work!!!!!
I wrote this earlier and e-mailed it to myself to post later...and when I do that I usually tend to delete it..but I'm forcing myself to post it...and I just can't hide how happy I am to have it back at work...yes I'm a big loser...and I'm gonna enjoy it till the sad day that it gets randomly blocked again
I haven't updated in awhile
guess I haven't had much to say
or would know how to exactly say it
my mom and sister Arielle are leaving for costa rica on sunday
I'm jealous
I'm jealous that they are going...I'm jealous of all the attention Arielle
gets...and I hate that I feel that way
I want the best for her...to be happy
but everyone worries about her...she doesn't feel important....she has
father issues
so there is always the extra work to making her feel important
and when I was her age...I had those same problems...but in a different way
then angry...I'll just say that
and my mom almost ignored it...we would go months not talking to one another
and I would almost be a different person at school...work...and when around
my friends
I guess I'm not jealous of her at my age now...but I'm jealous of what I
wish I would have had then
and yeah so I feel like a jerk
I know my mom wanted me to be independent...and not rely on other people
and yeah I understand that I need to do things for myself..be proud of
myself
but sometimes I think it stops me from trusting others...or being able to
even take a compliment without thinking that some how it is illintenioned
this isn't really a big deal with me...just felt slightly hurt when I was
talking to her on the phone and couldn't really say these things...so now I
can let it go
my sister is lucky and hopefully one day she realizes it...I just wish she
would talk to me more...I know how she feels...but she's to busy still
hating me for moving out ...I just try to let her know that I would do
anything for her...maybe not go to jail....or if I didn't agree with what
she did...a girl has to have principles :p
but other than that I would do anything for my family...and one day I want
to give them all that I can
my half sister called my mom and wanted us to go to her sons birthday
party...and my mom felt that we should go...she said why punish someone for
something they didn't do
1. why is she trying to see us now...not to be mean....I have no idea who
she is...but I need more than just blood to really consider someone family
I have plenty of family that doesn't care that I exist and we are related by
blood...I mean Beth is more of family to me than any of those people
and yes stephy is technically my half sister...but just to let anyone know
who reads this I will kill you for bringing that up...she is my sister...my
father felt that he had to point that out when I was younger...so it still
kinda flares up anger in me
2. she started to see my dad when she needed money...hmmmm...quite
convenient
3. also she doesn't need to interfere and try to make some sort of reunion
between us....that is his place....and despite how many times he has hurt
me....I'm sad to say that if he tried hard enough I would probably give in
and try again...hoping it would work that time....but ugh is he
trying....I'm not gonna make someone see me...why be around someone who
doesn't care about anyone else other than himself...and instead of seeing me
because I'm his daughter..seeing me to relieve himself of his guilt...I'm
not stupid...and it has been better without him....I don't need him or his
money..which I probably do...lol...but I would rather do it on my own
does anything ever go away
I'm gonna be dealing with the same things for the rest of my life
at least I can deal with it..or talk about it...which maybe not to
people..but I'm slowly working on that
the wedding was this past weekend...and it was a lot of fun...it was nice to
get to be a part of something like that...and yes I almost cried...deep down
there is the part of me that is a sucker for those kind of things ... it was
a whole weekend of delicious foods and drinks...what more could I ask for :)
well that's enough for now....my life is really not that exciting so I'll
need to save it up to write about later
or if I ever get those mutant powers that I always wanted
I will totally write about that
I haven't updated in awhile
guess I haven't had much to say
or would know how to exactly say it
my mom and sister Arielle are leaving for costa rica on sunday
I'm jealous
I'm jealous that they are going...I'm jealous of all the attention Arielle
gets...and I hate that I feel that way
I want the best for her...to be happy
but everyone worries about her...she doesn't feel important....she has
father issues
so there is always the extra work to making her feel important
and when I was her age...I had those same problems...but in a different way
then angry...I'll just say that
and my mom almost ignored it...we would go months not talking to one another
and I would almost be a different person at school...work...and when around
my friends
I guess I'm not jealous of her at my age now...but I'm jealous of what I
wish I would have had then
and yeah so I feel like a jerk
I know my mom wanted me to be independent...and not rely on other people
and yeah I understand that I need to do things for myself..be proud of
myself
but sometimes I think it stops me from trusting others...or being able to
even take a compliment without thinking that some how it is illintenioned
this isn't really a big deal with me...just felt slightly hurt when I was
talking to her on the phone and couldn't really say these things...so now I
can let it go
my sister is lucky and hopefully one day she realizes it...I just wish she
would talk to me more...I know how she feels...but she's to busy still
hating me for moving out ...I just try to let her know that I would do
anything for her...maybe not go to jail....or if I didn't agree with what
she did...a girl has to have principles :p
but other than that I would do anything for my family...and one day I want
to give them all that I can
my half sister called my mom and wanted us to go to her sons birthday
party...and my mom felt that we should go...she said why punish someone for
something they didn't do
1. why is she trying to see us now...not to be mean....I have no idea who
she is...but I need more than just blood to really consider someone family
I have plenty of family that doesn't care that I exist and we are related by
blood...I mean Beth is more of family to me than any of those people
and yes stephy is technically my half sister...but just to let anyone know
who reads this I will kill you for bringing that up...she is my sister...my
father felt that he had to point that out when I was younger...so it still
kinda flares up anger in me
2. she started to see my dad when she needed money...hmmmm...quite
convenient
3. also she doesn't need to interfere and try to make some sort of reunion
between us....that is his place....and despite how many times he has hurt
me....I'm sad to say that if he tried hard enough I would probably give in
and try again...hoping it would work that time....but ugh is he
trying....I'm not gonna make someone see me...why be around someone who
doesn't care about anyone else other than himself...and instead of seeing me
because I'm his daughter..seeing me to relieve himself of his guilt...I'm
not stupid...and it has been better without him....I don't need him or his
money..which I probably do...lol...but I would rather do it on my own
does anything ever go away
I'm gonna be dealing with the same things for the rest of my life
at least I can deal with it..or talk about it...which maybe not to
people..but I'm slowly working on that
the wedding was this past weekend...and it was a lot of fun...it was nice to
get to be a part of something like that...and yes I almost cried...deep down
there is the part of me that is a sucker for those kind of things ... it was
a whole weekend of delicious foods and drinks...what more could I ask for :)
well that's enough for now....my life is really not that exciting so I'll
need to save it up to write about later
or if I ever get those mutant powers that I always wanted
I will totally write about that