reminiscing.....
so... i've been kinda bummed lately. and kinda grumpy too (isnt that dumb?). those who dont know me very well think it's near imposiible to get me mad. that's because you dont know me very well. i can be very melodramatic, too.
if i have the time.
that's why it's nice to be busy.
k, so... i'm sentimental, i know, but more than that, too. i get this huge ache in my heart every time i step foot into my old church building. at first, i'm always SO nervous and anxious and... clumsy. i get clumsy when i'm nervous, that's the worst. anyway, so i get like that. and then.... as i walk in and see all the faces i am cursed (or perhaps blessed) with remembering (it's been years since i've seen them all)....all the faces i know... my initial instinct is like that of a long-lost relative, someone of my family, someone of my blood; and i want to hug them and hear about their life, how they are doing and what's new.
i am sincerely excited to see them!
but the only problem is... i was a kid then, and they dont know me. i was a kid then, and who i am now doesnt matter.
that probably doesnt make sense.
me and my old church have a funny relationship. it always hurts my heart to go back.
i went to church tonight and saw people who i recognized from over a decade ago. it made me ecstatic to see them, because i knew them and it was like we had some secret between us. except.. somehow it's only my secret because they've moved on. i can see that they've moved on and i should be happy for them, but i cant help but be sad. i dont like to forget. i hate to forget, really.
my parents are moving to victoria. my grandma too. i'm excited, my mom wants new things; a change, mainly. my dad is excited too. i... wonder how well i'll do with the change. i tell them i'm excited for them and backed the idea from the beginning, but now, thinking, i know how much i hate change. on wednesday i drove out to my old house (where we lived 12 years ago) in mission and walked in the westminster abbey, where i came as a kid and rolled down the hills (as soon as i arrived, a song from "the sound of music" plopped into my head). i went to cascade falls and all the places we used to routine.
12 years and my heart is still stuck there, isnt that ridiculous?
yuck.
actually, no, most of this heartaching 'i miss this' stuff has come about this summer. maybe it's a cleansing of sorts, so that i can move on to FULLY live in victoria? (i'll come back to visit, of course. i have no intention to surrender friendships!) maybe this is the Lord's doing, to surface what i need to let go of?
hmmmmm.........
it's still just a little sad.
if i have the time.
that's why it's nice to be busy.
k, so... i'm sentimental, i know, but more than that, too. i get this huge ache in my heart every time i step foot into my old church building. at first, i'm always SO nervous and anxious and... clumsy. i get clumsy when i'm nervous, that's the worst. anyway, so i get like that. and then.... as i walk in and see all the faces i am cursed (or perhaps blessed) with remembering (it's been years since i've seen them all)....all the faces i know... my initial instinct is like that of a long-lost relative, someone of my family, someone of my blood; and i want to hug them and hear about their life, how they are doing and what's new.
i am sincerely excited to see them!
but the only problem is... i was a kid then, and they dont know me. i was a kid then, and who i am now doesnt matter.
that probably doesnt make sense.
me and my old church have a funny relationship. it always hurts my heart to go back.
i went to church tonight and saw people who i recognized from over a decade ago. it made me ecstatic to see them, because i knew them and it was like we had some secret between us. except.. somehow it's only my secret because they've moved on. i can see that they've moved on and i should be happy for them, but i cant help but be sad. i dont like to forget. i hate to forget, really.
my parents are moving to victoria. my grandma too. i'm excited, my mom wants new things; a change, mainly. my dad is excited too. i... wonder how well i'll do with the change. i tell them i'm excited for them and backed the idea from the beginning, but now, thinking, i know how much i hate change. on wednesday i drove out to my old house (where we lived 12 years ago) in mission and walked in the westminster abbey, where i came as a kid and rolled down the hills (as soon as i arrived, a song from "the sound of music" plopped into my head). i went to cascade falls and all the places we used to routine.
12 years and my heart is still stuck there, isnt that ridiculous?
yuck.
actually, no, most of this heartaching 'i miss this' stuff has come about this summer. maybe it's a cleansing of sorts, so that i can move on to FULLY live in victoria? (i'll come back to visit, of course. i have no intention to surrender friendships!) maybe this is the Lord's doing, to surface what i need to let go of?
hmmmmm.........
it's still just a little sad.