last one standing.
Title: Last One Standing
Length: oneshot (plus seperate prologue and epilogue)
Characters: Hwanhee (Hwang Yoonsuk)
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: One man was finding it hard to look for reasons to keep living an empty live without anyone to love, and resorts to anything that can help him reunite with his loved ones, however his tries seems to be futile.
A/N: written around 2/3 years back, was first written to Nickleback's song Saving Me, but changed to Kim Jung Hoon's Everything.
--
"You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why"
----
Prologue
The sky is dark, as dark as his heart. He stands strong against the harsh wind of December, but inside he was crumbling. Crumbling down to nothingness.
The wind enveloped him in its icy arms, his jacket is thin and is not the least warming. He pulled his arms closer to his body, his gaze fixed to a distant sky.
.. and all he sees are darkness, darkness everywhere, especially in his heart.
There seemed to be a big hole in his heart, a hole that absolutely nothing could ever mend.
Then he felt it, white snow began to fall, filling the once-crisp air with its enchanted white wonders. Light as a feather, they slowly descend down ever so slowly.
First snow. What a perfect day to die
He looked down to the vast city that lies before him. Lights flickered in the darkness, the city literally glows in golden hues from the lights.
Happiness, love, life..
He has none of those.. he had, but he lost it.
He had lost everything the day he lost them. His everything..
His everything that was cruelly taken away from his grasp in one fateful night. One night when his existence is needed, but he wasn't there.
He had lost it all because he wasn't there.
"You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance"
And from a far, a familiar blue feather appears to be descending slowly towards his open palms.
---
The shrill of his mobile phone's ringtone disturbed the dark silence. Yoonsuk blindly groped the top of the bedside table for his mobile phone. He stared at the unfamiliar number and picked the call up, grunting.
"Hello? Yes, this is me!" he answered, his voice went up a notch from the mixture of annoyance and restlessness. He just finished a meeting at 1 AM and this phone call just had to come 30 minutes after he collapsed to bed. For goodness sake, he hasn't even slept a wink.
Little that he know, that next sentence from that unfamiliar voice from the unfamiliar number would turn his life around and change his life forever in the outmost cruel way possible.
"Sir, we regret to inform you that…" and the next few sentences came in a blur.
Before the operator can even finish her information, he already grabbed his keys, ran down to the basement of the hotel, still in his jeans and sleeveless top.
The wind doesn't bother him at all, his thoughts are all focused on his wife and his boy..
This couldn't be happening.
He forcefully opened his car door and entered the car, slamming the door shut. He zoomed off without even warming the car. In any other day he would fuss over his son slamming his car door, or his wife forgetting to warm up the car before use. But today he couldn't care less. As he stepped hard on the accelerator, the car zoomed off in the darkness. All he could see is the street right in front of him with the aid of the headlights, but he zoomed on.
A flash of light blinded his eyes, his arms went up to shield his eyes in an instinct. He momentarily thought it's all over for him too. He watched in sheer shock as his car severed away from the truck, drifting before it came to an abrupt stop a few inch before the cliff, unscratched.
He froze, his heart is beating hard against his ribs, hands went limp on top of his lap. He doesn't know how he survived, his hand wasn't even on the steering wheel. It happened so fast, he wasn't sure what to believe.
It was his first encounter of death..
And it won't be the last.
He thought he saw a blue feather, slowly descending by the side of his car.
---
His feet took him running along the corridor with the white-washed walls. His anxiety grew as he watched various people in white uniform walked back and forth, holding clipboards, wheeling metal trays. How could they stand to work in this place littered with death, he couldn't understand.
He stopped running when his eyes caught the sight of her from the window on the door, lying down in a hospital gown with tubes coming out from her body. He watched her life draining out of her, he barely can recognize her if not for the name on the front of her hospital bed.
The sound of the machine beeping wasn't concealed by the solid walls. The beep itself sounds as if it is counting the minutes she has remaining. He tried prying the door open, but it wouldn't work. He was forced to remain outside, letting a thin door with a measly window separating them.
He watched on as various shadows of white walked around the room and trying everything to revive her. Those white shadows came in a blur as he focused his eyes on her face.
His eyes are starting to water, and her face became a big blur. He hastily wiped the tears off and focused his vision on her. It's still clear on his mind how she sent him out of the door a few days ago. All smiles and kisses, none of them knew that this is going to happen.
He staggered forward, pressing his hands on the window.
How he wished he was there for her.
You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
A lonely tear fell. It rolled down from his dark brown eyes, down to his cheek, and lingered in his chin before dropped in his necklace, a pendant with their photo on it.
His hand held into the pendant, rubbing off the tears as he stared at their wedding photo.
The shrill of the machine woke him up from his momentary thoughts. He looked up to see a straight line on the screen of the machine.
He stared hard, hoping it to stop its irritating shrill, hoping the lines would jump out and starts going up and down again.
He still stared as the white shadows anxiously ran around the room.
He still stared as the doctor pull a white cloth over her face.
He wished he was there for her. Holding onto her hand as she let out her last breath, whispering his name. Is it too selfish to wish that?
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
He felt his knees gave way to the cold white ceramic floor. His body shook as he knelt down, his eyes blank on the white floor. He leaned against the wall, his head hitting it harshly. He hoped he didn't live through to lose his beloved ones, but he now knows that life is not fair.
At that moment he wished he was hit by the truck instead of continue living his world alone.
And another lonely tear fell.
He clearly remembered what his wife said in prior to his departure to his last business trip.
-- FLASHBACK --
"Hwanee! You can't go on another business trip! For godsake, its Junsu's kindy graduation! He will be so disappointed if he knows you're going to another business trip!"
He stopped prancing about and sat down beside her on the bed. His gaze fixed to the carpet beneath their feet.
"It's not like I want to miss it, but I have to ace this deal, it means so much and I could use the bonus to take Junsu to Disneyland next year. Besides, it's only a kindy graduation, its not like it's a university graduation." He reasoned.
"I know I said this a million times, but you shouldn't spend so much time in the office, you go to work when we barely wake up and you're not back until we're asleep. Junsu misses you, you know. I'd rather you spend more time at home playing with him." She insisted, he sighed.
They went through this millions of times. He took her hand, the action that made her reverted her attention to his dark brown orbs.
"Look.. all I want is for you and Junsu to live comfortably, so that he doesn't have to experience what I experienced as a kid." He took a glance our to the open window, and sees nothing but pitch black.
All he wants is for them to live happily in comfort, will she ever understand? Why does it feel like he worked for nothing? He wished they could be grateful with what he gives them instead of protesting that he's not spending enough time with them.
Why is there only 24 hours in a day?
His life felt like a marathon.
"But at least give your weekend to him, you're in the office 5 days already, at least give Saturday and Sunday to him.."
The talk went on like any other of their normal talk they always have, with him holding on his own principles.
What he didn't know is that this is his last straw..
His last chance ever to make things right.. that he threw away.
---
He later learned that at that fateful night when he was away, a fire swept through his house and killed both his wife and his son. The two most important person in his life, the ones that gave him the strength to live everyday with a smile despite of his harsh life he have to endure everyday.
From now on, where would he get the strength to smile? Who could he turn to, when he needs comforting words after a hard day at work or arguing with his boss?
He began to realize how those little gestures meant so much to him. The way his wife made sure she has a tub of hot water ready when he comes home. Or how his little champ always seemed to have something to entertain him during dinner time. May it be his recent drawing of their family portrait, stories about what he did that day, or the song they learned at kindy that day. Those little moments that successfully warmed his heart and made him understand the wonderful meaning of the word 'family'.
He would never feel that warm fuzzy feeling that you call happiness, not ever again.
He stood there, silent as he stared at the tombstone silently. The white washed tombstone is too white. White reminds him of the hospital.. The place where he realized it's all over, the place where he gets to see them one last time, and realized its too late.
That is when he realized that he had lost it all, without any fight.
The police that was inspecting his house said that it might be something as simple as a spark from the overcrowded electric plug or the gas that was left open after cooking.
Checking if the stove is completely turned off at night was his job.
And those electric plugs… he had forgotten to get a new extension from the hardware shop nearby because he was too busy.
Too busy building his career.
Maybe his wife was right. He was too occupied trying to fulfil their necessities that he forgotten those little crucial things that mattered. Now that he thought about it, he hasn't even have a proper vacation with his family since he was promoted 2 years ago.
---
Now, he got himself a small apartment near his workplace, not even half the size of their house before, but sometimes it felt like it's 10 times bigger without his family. He can literally feel the loneliness seeping through the place. In other times he feels suffocated in his own atmosphere, feeling the four walls asphyxiating him tightly. There's no air in this place, its all empty and devoid of life.. devoid of oxygen, devoid of love and happiness, devoid of anything and everything a soul needs to continue living.
Baby, I'll live on my own
You sowed for me, the seed call happiness
in that room along with your smile-
But by the tears of this lonely me,
nothing will bloom
He is still getting used to be woken up by the harsh cry of alarm clock, and face nothing but the ceiling instead of the loving look from his dearest wife. He felt the cold, void space beside him, he is still not used to being alone and cold. He thought the feeling will be gone with a new house, but it doesn't. Instead, it's growing stronger and stronger everyday.
A part of him wished he would forget how it felt like to have her beside him, so he can go through days without missing her.
But a part of him wished he would never forget, so he could keep her in his memory, and she could live in his heart forever.
But it hurts.
And he don't know how he would survive his days.
Another morning comes,
The golden sunlight leaks in through the building window
illuminating the mirror you used to look at every morning
He is still getting used to getting home and groping blindly for a light switch. All he used to do was just ring the doorbell, and he will be welcomed by his beautiful wife in an apron, and his little boy jumping around beside her, eagerly wanting to tell him about how he went in kindy that day.
He is still not used to the fact that now, he have to be greeted by sole darkness and the icy cold feeling that seeped through to his bones. Is this loneliness? He used to complain when his son doesn't put things in the right place, or his wife has tidied his working space so papers slipped away or get stacked in wrong piles. Now he's not used to see everything is as he left it, as though there is no life inside his humble abode.
As though he is alone, and always was.
It's always been like that
on top of the table,
a habit being left behind
Wherever he is in his apartment, all he hears is a deafening silence or the ticking of the clock, counting another second without his loveable ones. Sometimes it irritates him so much he had to sleep with his pillow over his head, but those ringing noise of silence stayed as deafening as ever.
He's been burying himself in his job more than ever, just to avoid those empty feeling in his heart that makes him feel like he is living for nothing. He is barely existing, mentally dying and hardly living. Loneliness must know him by name now.
He remembered worrying about money and how would his job successfully support the family. But now he has a lot of money, he has nothing he could spend it on. He's been a complete workaholic, arriving the earliest and leaving the latest among his workmates. His money accumulates in his bank account every month. But for him, money now is just a mere number, he has no one to spend it with, he can't 'buy' his happiness back with those numbers in his bank account. Oh, the irony of life.
Said again and again, "I love you"
Compared to having known a goodbye,
It's because time has a limit,
We want more
Time has its limit, and our live in this world is strictly timed and limited. If only he knew, he would spend all his days with them, even in poverty.
If only he knew, he would spend time preserving memories. Photos, Videos, other itsy bitsy of drawings Junsu gave him.
But regrets always come too late, and this is no exception.
Is this what they call destiny?
But sometimes he would wonder if destiny was just another reason, something to shift the blame of him. Everyday, he was heaved down with guilt that his negligence cost him the life of the two most loved people in the world.
.. and for the first time in years, he kneeled down and pray, to ask his questions, even though he knows they wont be answered.
He was the last one standing, why didn't God just take all 3 of them together, so then they could still be together, laughing in heaven together.
Why? Why him?
And it seemed like his existence is still needed in the world. However many times he ever attempted to follow after his wife and his kid's footsteps, they usually ended with him still living in this hell on earth. And before he closed his eyes and momentarily thought that he would finally meet them, he always sees a blue feather falling down from the sky.
If it's a sign or a mere coincidence, he has no idea.
He tried overdosing on sleeping pills. He thought no one would know and couldn't care less since he made no friends with the neighborhood. But somehow the police barged in, they have been tipped off for drug dealing but they turned in a wrong address. They sent him to hospital's intensive care and he was up and walking in no time.
He also tried racing. He was no racer, but he figured out it is quite a quick and painful death. When the car was about to slip, it somersaulted in the air for a few seconds and lands on its own wheels, unscratched. He actually survived without any broken bones, not even a scratch.
He also tried drowning, someone said it's the most beautiful way to die, because the moment you see the sunlight shining through the water, that's heaven on earth. He saw that little heaven on earth, but he failed to see the real one because someone saw him drowning and had saved him.
Why is it so hard for him to just end his existence in this world?
Afterall, he is just another soul who successfully walked the thin line of life and death.
---
Somehow, he found his old teenager passion of mellow ballad music. Music became his best friend, for it chase the loneliness and the deafening silence in his apartment. Sometimes it made him feel better, but most times it made him feels even worse, wallowing on life.
He strummed his old guitar, and the flow of mellow music starts to fill his apartment.
Another morning comes,
It feels like my body is getting used to a world without you
The golden sunlight leaks in through the building window
illuminating the mirror you used to look at every morning
His soft voice flows steadily, there's hurt and remorse clearly reflected in his lyrics and in his melancholic voice.
It's always been like that
on top of the table,
a habit being left behind
He stopped and breathes in before continuing.
You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
His voice wavered, it shook as he struggle to complete singing his song. His song, the song that reflected all that he needs to say.
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
Baby, I'll live on my own
He ended with a sad note, leaving the song hanging without any sign of continuation or an end. Hanging his head low, he stared at the piece of white paper and started to scribble his lyrics.
They were his everything. His everything that got taken away, and now he have nothing.
He wanted someone to save him from this hell, someone that can bring him to his loved ones, wherever they are. He doesn't want to be alone in this cruel world, where everything reminded him of his wife and kid. Where everything made him feel sorry for himself for whatever unfair tragedy that happened to him.
Someone once said that there is always a purpose for everything that happened. What's the purpose of him losing his wife and son? To let him know how much he cherished them? That is hardly any purpose at all, since there's nothing to be learnt after.
What's the purpose of his life after they are gone? As far as he is aware, his life is meaningless. He was just barely existing and hardly living.
Life is sometimes just isn't fair.
Sometimes when he is walking down the streets to or from work, he can see through people's homes from those slightly foggy windows. It is radiating in a warm, yellowy light unlike his apartment that seemed to be bathed with harsh white light.
Sometimes he stopped and stared at a family eating dinner together, or watching TV together, enveloped in each other's arms, the sound of the kids' giggles are like sweet to their parents ears. But it sounds bitter to his ears.
Sometimes he walked though the kids playground, watching those little angels run around in sheer happiness. Oh how he miss playing ball with his little champ. In Sundays he often came to the playground and sat on the bench, mingling with other parents. Just that he didn't have any kid running up to him with their arms wide open, yelling "Daddy, daddy!" and asked to be carried in his strong arms.
As the sun sets and all the families cleared away from the playground, hand in hand going back home or the small ice cream parlour down the road.
He stayed there and stared at one spot on the sand near the swing. Suddenly, he saw his son sitting there, playing with the sand, and suddenly the image of his wife picking his son up popped up in front of his eyes. He is slowly turning mental, he concluded.
He knew he is probably going to go mental staying there, but he just cant bear to leave, not when those images dear to his heart was so clear in his eyes. His eyes are blurred by tears swimming in his eyes, as he tried to reach to them. But slowly their image began to fade away.
"No.." He pleaded
"No don't go.." He took a step forward and staggered forward, his knees made contact with the rough pavement, he kneeled before them.
"Noooo.." he let out as he saw their images vanish in front of his very eyes.
His whole body shook and tears of remorse flowed freely down his cheek. Why is it that they are so near yet so far? They're right there occupying the whole of his heart, but without their existence it felt hollow. He is slowly turning into someone without any feelings at all.
---
You are everything
and someone I'd die for.. to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
And now, he is standing on the rooftop of his apartment. Starring down to the vast city in front of him. Lights flickered again in the darkness, the city glowing in golden hues of yellow.
Warmth..
Happiness.. love.. life..
Everything he had lost.
He took a step forward
The wind enveloped him in its icy arms, his jacket is thin and is not the least warming. He pulled his arms closer to his body, his gaze fixed to a distant sky.
Another step..
The sky is dark, as dark as his heart. He stands strong against the harsh wind of September, but inside he was crumbling. Crumbling down to nothingness.
Another step..
And suddenly the darkness seems so tempting.
Another step..
He closed his eyes to feel the cold air rushing into his lungs. Feels like breathing after eating mints.
Another step..
He opened his eyes and looked down to see the hustle and bustle people walking down the sidewalk. From up here, they look like tiny dots moving around, going in and coming out of the picture. This might be the last time he have any contact with the world.
He smiled one last time, the most genuine since 6 months ago.
He turned around, his feet is in the edge of the ledge. Slowly, he spread his hands beside him and feels his body leans backwards. He closed his eyes and waited for the fall.
Then and there.. he felt rush of wind through him as he gave way for gravity to work.
They always said that at the brink of death, the image of your life will pass through your eyes. I just found out that it's not true in the harshest way possible. Nothing flashed through my eyes. Everything is just empty..
He feels a surge of wind rushed against his body, and he feels gravity pulling his body down forcefully. He closed his eyes and waited for the fall.
But he never felt it.
He opened his eyes to find blue feathers around him, those delicate things that he has been so familiar with these days. He looked up and found the most beautiful woman, her face glowing brightly, on her back is a pair of blue wings. He stared back at his wife's face, dumfounded.
He found her holding his hand, not letting him fall. He blinked his eyes several times, thinking that it was merely an illusion.
He looked down, seeing the city from a birds eye view.
Blue feathers that seemed to glow in the light filled the air around him, mingling together with white snow.
He looked down at his own body, falling down to the vast city behind him.
"Don't look" he heard his wife said, he looked back at her.
"Why?" his voice wavered "Is it worth saving me?"
"This is the fifth time I saved you. Now, do you think you're worthy?" she smiled, and slowly the edge of his lips began to pull up, curving into what you call a genuine smile.
"Come with me.." her sweet voice travelled to his ears, and he knows now that he is safe.
At least now he is not the last one standing anymore.
Epilogue
Brian have just crumpled yet another piece of paper and threw it to the bin, it loitered on the opening of the bin, before rolling to the floor beside it, since the bin is already full of other papers at the same crumpled state.
He messed up his already messed hair. He threw his pen across the room and got up from the seat n front of his keyboard, grabbed a coat and in no time he is out the door.
He’s been trying to get an inspiration for a new song but none is coming to him. This is the last chance making it right, another failed song meant that he will be known as an unsuccessful composer for his whole life. He can’t afford that to happen.
As the front door opened, he breathed in cold air. He zipped his jacket all the way to the top, cursing about the arrival of first snow that year. He then cursed for not bringing a scarf out.
Oh Brian, you’re such a genius
He stuffed his freezing hands to the side pockets of his jacket and looked up. Watching the two brightest stars side by side, then he smiled unknowingly.
Funny, he doesn’t usually care about those things. Is this because first snow is such a sentimental moment? Like lovers getting reunited under the falling snow.
For goodness sake, Brian you’re a songwriter, not a fiction writer. Snap out of it!
He shrugged before crossing the road and saw a huge crowd. He was about to walk over and find out what happened, but a piece of paper flew and got stuck on his face.
He took the paper off his face and quickly steps into the sidewalk. In any other day he would just crumple it and threw it away, but he did not know why he spent time looking at the paper.
Another morning comes,
It feels like my body is getting used to a world without you
The golden sunlight leaks in through the building window
illuminating the mirror you used to look at every morning
It’s always been like that
on top of the table,
a habit being left behind
You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
You were everything
and someone I’ll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
He just managed to skim read barely the first half of the text, and his eyes enlarged in surprise. This is what he’s been looking for, something he can turn into a masterpiece.
He fingered the signature in the bottom. The ink was smeared with droplets of water.
Hwang Yoonsuk
28 February 2007
Brian turned back to where he was from and run all the way to his apartment, to his new life.
Whenever life ends for someone, life has just begun for another.
Whoever you are, Hwang Yoonsuk, thank you
--
“No problem” Yoonsuk muttered and smiled, watching silently as the world passes by, slowly being covered by those soft white wonders.
“Appa!”
“I’m coming Junsu, I’m coming..”
END
Length: oneshot (plus seperate prologue and epilogue)
Characters: Hwanhee (Hwang Yoonsuk)
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: One man was finding it hard to look for reasons to keep living an empty live without anyone to love, and resorts to anything that can help him reunite with his loved ones, however his tries seems to be futile.
A/N: written around 2/3 years back, was first written to Nickleback's song Saving Me, but changed to Kim Jung Hoon's Everything.
--
"You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why"
----
Prologue
The sky is dark, as dark as his heart. He stands strong against the harsh wind of December, but inside he was crumbling. Crumbling down to nothingness.
The wind enveloped him in its icy arms, his jacket is thin and is not the least warming. He pulled his arms closer to his body, his gaze fixed to a distant sky.
.. and all he sees are darkness, darkness everywhere, especially in his heart.
There seemed to be a big hole in his heart, a hole that absolutely nothing could ever mend.
Then he felt it, white snow began to fall, filling the once-crisp air with its enchanted white wonders. Light as a feather, they slowly descend down ever so slowly.
First snow. What a perfect day to die
He looked down to the vast city that lies before him. Lights flickered in the darkness, the city literally glows in golden hues from the lights.
Happiness, love, life..
He has none of those.. he had, but he lost it.
He had lost everything the day he lost them. His everything..
His everything that was cruelly taken away from his grasp in one fateful night. One night when his existence is needed, but he wasn't there.
He had lost it all because he wasn't there.
"You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance"
And from a far, a familiar blue feather appears to be descending slowly towards his open palms.
---
The shrill of his mobile phone's ringtone disturbed the dark silence. Yoonsuk blindly groped the top of the bedside table for his mobile phone. He stared at the unfamiliar number and picked the call up, grunting.
"Hello? Yes, this is me!" he answered, his voice went up a notch from the mixture of annoyance and restlessness. He just finished a meeting at 1 AM and this phone call just had to come 30 minutes after he collapsed to bed. For goodness sake, he hasn't even slept a wink.
Little that he know, that next sentence from that unfamiliar voice from the unfamiliar number would turn his life around and change his life forever in the outmost cruel way possible.
"Sir, we regret to inform you that…" and the next few sentences came in a blur.
Before the operator can even finish her information, he already grabbed his keys, ran down to the basement of the hotel, still in his jeans and sleeveless top.
The wind doesn't bother him at all, his thoughts are all focused on his wife and his boy..
This couldn't be happening.
He forcefully opened his car door and entered the car, slamming the door shut. He zoomed off without even warming the car. In any other day he would fuss over his son slamming his car door, or his wife forgetting to warm up the car before use. But today he couldn't care less. As he stepped hard on the accelerator, the car zoomed off in the darkness. All he could see is the street right in front of him with the aid of the headlights, but he zoomed on.
A flash of light blinded his eyes, his arms went up to shield his eyes in an instinct. He momentarily thought it's all over for him too. He watched in sheer shock as his car severed away from the truck, drifting before it came to an abrupt stop a few inch before the cliff, unscratched.
He froze, his heart is beating hard against his ribs, hands went limp on top of his lap. He doesn't know how he survived, his hand wasn't even on the steering wheel. It happened so fast, he wasn't sure what to believe.
It was his first encounter of death..
And it won't be the last.
He thought he saw a blue feather, slowly descending by the side of his car.
---
His feet took him running along the corridor with the white-washed walls. His anxiety grew as he watched various people in white uniform walked back and forth, holding clipboards, wheeling metal trays. How could they stand to work in this place littered with death, he couldn't understand.
He stopped running when his eyes caught the sight of her from the window on the door, lying down in a hospital gown with tubes coming out from her body. He watched her life draining out of her, he barely can recognize her if not for the name on the front of her hospital bed.
The sound of the machine beeping wasn't concealed by the solid walls. The beep itself sounds as if it is counting the minutes she has remaining. He tried prying the door open, but it wouldn't work. He was forced to remain outside, letting a thin door with a measly window separating them.
He watched on as various shadows of white walked around the room and trying everything to revive her. Those white shadows came in a blur as he focused his eyes on her face.
His eyes are starting to water, and her face became a big blur. He hastily wiped the tears off and focused his vision on her. It's still clear on his mind how she sent him out of the door a few days ago. All smiles and kisses, none of them knew that this is going to happen.
He staggered forward, pressing his hands on the window.
How he wished he was there for her.
You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
A lonely tear fell. It rolled down from his dark brown eyes, down to his cheek, and lingered in his chin before dropped in his necklace, a pendant with their photo on it.
His hand held into the pendant, rubbing off the tears as he stared at their wedding photo.
The shrill of the machine woke him up from his momentary thoughts. He looked up to see a straight line on the screen of the machine.
He stared hard, hoping it to stop its irritating shrill, hoping the lines would jump out and starts going up and down again.
He still stared as the white shadows anxiously ran around the room.
He still stared as the doctor pull a white cloth over her face.
He wished he was there for her. Holding onto her hand as she let out her last breath, whispering his name. Is it too selfish to wish that?
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
He felt his knees gave way to the cold white ceramic floor. His body shook as he knelt down, his eyes blank on the white floor. He leaned against the wall, his head hitting it harshly. He hoped he didn't live through to lose his beloved ones, but he now knows that life is not fair.
At that moment he wished he was hit by the truck instead of continue living his world alone.
And another lonely tear fell.
He clearly remembered what his wife said in prior to his departure to his last business trip.
-- FLASHBACK --
"Hwanee! You can't go on another business trip! For godsake, its Junsu's kindy graduation! He will be so disappointed if he knows you're going to another business trip!"
He stopped prancing about and sat down beside her on the bed. His gaze fixed to the carpet beneath their feet.
"It's not like I want to miss it, but I have to ace this deal, it means so much and I could use the bonus to take Junsu to Disneyland next year. Besides, it's only a kindy graduation, its not like it's a university graduation." He reasoned.
"I know I said this a million times, but you shouldn't spend so much time in the office, you go to work when we barely wake up and you're not back until we're asleep. Junsu misses you, you know. I'd rather you spend more time at home playing with him." She insisted, he sighed.
They went through this millions of times. He took her hand, the action that made her reverted her attention to his dark brown orbs.
"Look.. all I want is for you and Junsu to live comfortably, so that he doesn't have to experience what I experienced as a kid." He took a glance our to the open window, and sees nothing but pitch black.
All he wants is for them to live happily in comfort, will she ever understand? Why does it feel like he worked for nothing? He wished they could be grateful with what he gives them instead of protesting that he's not spending enough time with them.
Why is there only 24 hours in a day?
His life felt like a marathon.
"But at least give your weekend to him, you're in the office 5 days already, at least give Saturday and Sunday to him.."
The talk went on like any other of their normal talk they always have, with him holding on his own principles.
What he didn't know is that this is his last straw..
His last chance ever to make things right.. that he threw away.
---
He later learned that at that fateful night when he was away, a fire swept through his house and killed both his wife and his son. The two most important person in his life, the ones that gave him the strength to live everyday with a smile despite of his harsh life he have to endure everyday.
From now on, where would he get the strength to smile? Who could he turn to, when he needs comforting words after a hard day at work or arguing with his boss?
He began to realize how those little gestures meant so much to him. The way his wife made sure she has a tub of hot water ready when he comes home. Or how his little champ always seemed to have something to entertain him during dinner time. May it be his recent drawing of their family portrait, stories about what he did that day, or the song they learned at kindy that day. Those little moments that successfully warmed his heart and made him understand the wonderful meaning of the word 'family'.
He would never feel that warm fuzzy feeling that you call happiness, not ever again.
He stood there, silent as he stared at the tombstone silently. The white washed tombstone is too white. White reminds him of the hospital.. The place where he realized it's all over, the place where he gets to see them one last time, and realized its too late.
That is when he realized that he had lost it all, without any fight.
The police that was inspecting his house said that it might be something as simple as a spark from the overcrowded electric plug or the gas that was left open after cooking.
Checking if the stove is completely turned off at night was his job.
And those electric plugs… he had forgotten to get a new extension from the hardware shop nearby because he was too busy.
Too busy building his career.
Maybe his wife was right. He was too occupied trying to fulfil their necessities that he forgotten those little crucial things that mattered. Now that he thought about it, he hasn't even have a proper vacation with his family since he was promoted 2 years ago.
---
Now, he got himself a small apartment near his workplace, not even half the size of their house before, but sometimes it felt like it's 10 times bigger without his family. He can literally feel the loneliness seeping through the place. In other times he feels suffocated in his own atmosphere, feeling the four walls asphyxiating him tightly. There's no air in this place, its all empty and devoid of life.. devoid of oxygen, devoid of love and happiness, devoid of anything and everything a soul needs to continue living.
Baby, I'll live on my own
You sowed for me, the seed call happiness
in that room along with your smile-
But by the tears of this lonely me,
nothing will bloom
He is still getting used to be woken up by the harsh cry of alarm clock, and face nothing but the ceiling instead of the loving look from his dearest wife. He felt the cold, void space beside him, he is still not used to being alone and cold. He thought the feeling will be gone with a new house, but it doesn't. Instead, it's growing stronger and stronger everyday.
A part of him wished he would forget how it felt like to have her beside him, so he can go through days without missing her.
But a part of him wished he would never forget, so he could keep her in his memory, and she could live in his heart forever.
But it hurts.
And he don't know how he would survive his days.
Another morning comes,
The golden sunlight leaks in through the building window
illuminating the mirror you used to look at every morning
He is still getting used to getting home and groping blindly for a light switch. All he used to do was just ring the doorbell, and he will be welcomed by his beautiful wife in an apron, and his little boy jumping around beside her, eagerly wanting to tell him about how he went in kindy that day.
He is still not used to the fact that now, he have to be greeted by sole darkness and the icy cold feeling that seeped through to his bones. Is this loneliness? He used to complain when his son doesn't put things in the right place, or his wife has tidied his working space so papers slipped away or get stacked in wrong piles. Now he's not used to see everything is as he left it, as though there is no life inside his humble abode.
As though he is alone, and always was.
It's always been like that
on top of the table,
a habit being left behind
Wherever he is in his apartment, all he hears is a deafening silence or the ticking of the clock, counting another second without his loveable ones. Sometimes it irritates him so much he had to sleep with his pillow over his head, but those ringing noise of silence stayed as deafening as ever.
He's been burying himself in his job more than ever, just to avoid those empty feeling in his heart that makes him feel like he is living for nothing. He is barely existing, mentally dying and hardly living. Loneliness must know him by name now.
He remembered worrying about money and how would his job successfully support the family. But now he has a lot of money, he has nothing he could spend it on. He's been a complete workaholic, arriving the earliest and leaving the latest among his workmates. His money accumulates in his bank account every month. But for him, money now is just a mere number, he has no one to spend it with, he can't 'buy' his happiness back with those numbers in his bank account. Oh, the irony of life.
Said again and again, "I love you"
Compared to having known a goodbye,
It's because time has a limit,
We want more
Time has its limit, and our live in this world is strictly timed and limited. If only he knew, he would spend all his days with them, even in poverty.
If only he knew, he would spend time preserving memories. Photos, Videos, other itsy bitsy of drawings Junsu gave him.
But regrets always come too late, and this is no exception.
Is this what they call destiny?
But sometimes he would wonder if destiny was just another reason, something to shift the blame of him. Everyday, he was heaved down with guilt that his negligence cost him the life of the two most loved people in the world.
.. and for the first time in years, he kneeled down and pray, to ask his questions, even though he knows they wont be answered.
He was the last one standing, why didn't God just take all 3 of them together, so then they could still be together, laughing in heaven together.
Why? Why him?
And it seemed like his existence is still needed in the world. However many times he ever attempted to follow after his wife and his kid's footsteps, they usually ended with him still living in this hell on earth. And before he closed his eyes and momentarily thought that he would finally meet them, he always sees a blue feather falling down from the sky.
If it's a sign or a mere coincidence, he has no idea.
He tried overdosing on sleeping pills. He thought no one would know and couldn't care less since he made no friends with the neighborhood. But somehow the police barged in, they have been tipped off for drug dealing but they turned in a wrong address. They sent him to hospital's intensive care and he was up and walking in no time.
He also tried racing. He was no racer, but he figured out it is quite a quick and painful death. When the car was about to slip, it somersaulted in the air for a few seconds and lands on its own wheels, unscratched. He actually survived without any broken bones, not even a scratch.
He also tried drowning, someone said it's the most beautiful way to die, because the moment you see the sunlight shining through the water, that's heaven on earth. He saw that little heaven on earth, but he failed to see the real one because someone saw him drowning and had saved him.
Why is it so hard for him to just end his existence in this world?
Afterall, he is just another soul who successfully walked the thin line of life and death.
---
Somehow, he found his old teenager passion of mellow ballad music. Music became his best friend, for it chase the loneliness and the deafening silence in his apartment. Sometimes it made him feel better, but most times it made him feels even worse, wallowing on life.
He strummed his old guitar, and the flow of mellow music starts to fill his apartment.
Another morning comes,
It feels like my body is getting used to a world without you
The golden sunlight leaks in through the building window
illuminating the mirror you used to look at every morning
His soft voice flows steadily, there's hurt and remorse clearly reflected in his lyrics and in his melancholic voice.
It's always been like that
on top of the table,
a habit being left behind
He stopped and breathes in before continuing.
You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
His voice wavered, it shook as he struggle to complete singing his song. His song, the song that reflected all that he needs to say.
You were everything
and someone I'll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
Baby, I'll live on my own
He ended with a sad note, leaving the song hanging without any sign of continuation or an end. Hanging his head low, he stared at the piece of white paper and started to scribble his lyrics.
They were his everything. His everything that got taken away, and now he have nothing.
He wanted someone to save him from this hell, someone that can bring him to his loved ones, wherever they are. He doesn't want to be alone in this cruel world, where everything reminded him of his wife and kid. Where everything made him feel sorry for himself for whatever unfair tragedy that happened to him.
Someone once said that there is always a purpose for everything that happened. What's the purpose of him losing his wife and son? To let him know how much he cherished them? That is hardly any purpose at all, since there's nothing to be learnt after.
What's the purpose of his life after they are gone? As far as he is aware, his life is meaningless. He was just barely existing and hardly living.
Life is sometimes just isn't fair.
Sometimes when he is walking down the streets to or from work, he can see through people's homes from those slightly foggy windows. It is radiating in a warm, yellowy light unlike his apartment that seemed to be bathed with harsh white light.
Sometimes he stopped and stared at a family eating dinner together, or watching TV together, enveloped in each other's arms, the sound of the kids' giggles are like sweet to their parents ears. But it sounds bitter to his ears.
Sometimes he walked though the kids playground, watching those little angels run around in sheer happiness. Oh how he miss playing ball with his little champ. In Sundays he often came to the playground and sat on the bench, mingling with other parents. Just that he didn't have any kid running up to him with their arms wide open, yelling "Daddy, daddy!" and asked to be carried in his strong arms.
As the sun sets and all the families cleared away from the playground, hand in hand going back home or the small ice cream parlour down the road.
He stayed there and stared at one spot on the sand near the swing. Suddenly, he saw his son sitting there, playing with the sand, and suddenly the image of his wife picking his son up popped up in front of his eyes. He is slowly turning mental, he concluded.
He knew he is probably going to go mental staying there, but he just cant bear to leave, not when those images dear to his heart was so clear in his eyes. His eyes are blurred by tears swimming in his eyes, as he tried to reach to them. But slowly their image began to fade away.
"No.." He pleaded
"No don't go.." He took a step forward and staggered forward, his knees made contact with the rough pavement, he kneeled before them.
"Noooo.." he let out as he saw their images vanish in front of his very eyes.
His whole body shook and tears of remorse flowed freely down his cheek. Why is it that they are so near yet so far? They're right there occupying the whole of his heart, but without their existence it felt hollow. He is slowly turning into someone without any feelings at all.
---
You are everything
and someone I'd die for.. to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
And now, he is standing on the rooftop of his apartment. Starring down to the vast city in front of him. Lights flickered again in the darkness, the city glowing in golden hues of yellow.
Warmth..
Happiness.. love.. life..
Everything he had lost.
He took a step forward
The wind enveloped him in its icy arms, his jacket is thin and is not the least warming. He pulled his arms closer to his body, his gaze fixed to a distant sky.
Another step..
The sky is dark, as dark as his heart. He stands strong against the harsh wind of September, but inside he was crumbling. Crumbling down to nothingness.
Another step..
And suddenly the darkness seems so tempting.
Another step..
He closed his eyes to feel the cold air rushing into his lungs. Feels like breathing after eating mints.
Another step..
He opened his eyes and looked down to see the hustle and bustle people walking down the sidewalk. From up here, they look like tiny dots moving around, going in and coming out of the picture. This might be the last time he have any contact with the world.
He smiled one last time, the most genuine since 6 months ago.
He turned around, his feet is in the edge of the ledge. Slowly, he spread his hands beside him and feels his body leans backwards. He closed his eyes and waited for the fall.
Then and there.. he felt rush of wind through him as he gave way for gravity to work.
They always said that at the brink of death, the image of your life will pass through your eyes. I just found out that it's not true in the harshest way possible. Nothing flashed through my eyes. Everything is just empty..
He feels a surge of wind rushed against his body, and he feels gravity pulling his body down forcefully. He closed his eyes and waited for the fall.
But he never felt it.
He opened his eyes to find blue feathers around him, those delicate things that he has been so familiar with these days. He looked up and found the most beautiful woman, her face glowing brightly, on her back is a pair of blue wings. He stared back at his wife's face, dumfounded.
He found her holding his hand, not letting him fall. He blinked his eyes several times, thinking that it was merely an illusion.
He looked down, seeing the city from a birds eye view.
Blue feathers that seemed to glow in the light filled the air around him, mingling together with white snow.
He looked down at his own body, falling down to the vast city behind him.
"Don't look" he heard his wife said, he looked back at her.
"Why?" his voice wavered "Is it worth saving me?"
"This is the fifth time I saved you. Now, do you think you're worthy?" she smiled, and slowly the edge of his lips began to pull up, curving into what you call a genuine smile.
"Come with me.." her sweet voice travelled to his ears, and he knows now that he is safe.
At least now he is not the last one standing anymore.
Epilogue
Brian have just crumpled yet another piece of paper and threw it to the bin, it loitered on the opening of the bin, before rolling to the floor beside it, since the bin is already full of other papers at the same crumpled state.
He messed up his already messed hair. He threw his pen across the room and got up from the seat n front of his keyboard, grabbed a coat and in no time he is out the door.
He’s been trying to get an inspiration for a new song but none is coming to him. This is the last chance making it right, another failed song meant that he will be known as an unsuccessful composer for his whole life. He can’t afford that to happen.
As the front door opened, he breathed in cold air. He zipped his jacket all the way to the top, cursing about the arrival of first snow that year. He then cursed for not bringing a scarf out.
Oh Brian, you’re such a genius
He stuffed his freezing hands to the side pockets of his jacket and looked up. Watching the two brightest stars side by side, then he smiled unknowingly.
Funny, he doesn’t usually care about those things. Is this because first snow is such a sentimental moment? Like lovers getting reunited under the falling snow.
For goodness sake, Brian you’re a songwriter, not a fiction writer. Snap out of it!
He shrugged before crossing the road and saw a huge crowd. He was about to walk over and find out what happened, but a piece of paper flew and got stuck on his face.
He took the paper off his face and quickly steps into the sidewalk. In any other day he would just crumple it and threw it away, but he did not know why he spent time looking at the paper.
Another morning comes,
It feels like my body is getting used to a world without you
The golden sunlight leaks in through the building window
illuminating the mirror you used to look at every morning
It’s always been like that
on top of the table,
a habit being left behind
You were everything
Just everything I have blows away
vanishing into the distance
You were everything
and someone I’ll die for, to lose you
while not knowing the reason why
He just managed to skim read barely the first half of the text, and his eyes enlarged in surprise. This is what he’s been looking for, something he can turn into a masterpiece.
He fingered the signature in the bottom. The ink was smeared with droplets of water.
Hwang Yoonsuk
28 February 2007
Brian turned back to where he was from and run all the way to his apartment, to his new life.
Whenever life ends for someone, life has just begun for another.
Whoever you are, Hwang Yoonsuk, thank you
--
“No problem” Yoonsuk muttered and smiled, watching silently as the world passes by, slowly being covered by those soft white wonders.
“Appa!”
“I’m coming Junsu, I’m coming..”
END