Chapter nine
“There ya go, see, I told ya, that would look really nice.” Paula was staring at the mirror, while a hair-dresser was carefully evening out her front bangs; she looked like tears were about to pour every time a lock of hair hit the floor. My brother was being supportive, while myself and Dot couldn’t exactly understand what the big deal was about a hair-cut; however, Yakko apparently did, or had less of a clue than us, but was trying so hard to make it easier, that he actually offered to hold her hand trough it, like it was some sort of operation.
“I’ll be fine…” Paula promised, trying to sound brave, while I just raised an eyebrow, blinking. What was the big deal, here? It felt weird, she wasn’t getting a limb chopped off, just a few locks that’d grow back….
“Now, let’s just-“Copycat pretty much hissed at the hairdresser, who wanted to tend to the rest of her hair:
“I said just the bangs…”
“But honey, your hair, just a little freshening up, it wouldn’t hurt-“
“BANGS!”
“You know… have you ever considered… maybe, trying a different color?” Dot spoke up “How about blonde? Or maybe something reddish would be nicer for your complexion-“
“Uhm, well-“
“Oh, blonde would be hot. Maybe super-short, but no, no… you know, I once saw this commercial on TV… this amazing chick had complete rainbow hair, every color you can think of, and the back was slightly shorter than her front… damn she was pretty…” Yakko got lost in his own little world, while I frowned and elbowed him in the ribs. Twitching her eyes, Paula snapped at the hair-dresser dangerously:
“Do what he said, exactly like he said it…”
“Uhm… could you repeat it-“
“I SAID DO-“
“I think you should just keep it. I love your hair.” I claimed, crossing my arms strictly, while Dot shrugged:
“Maybe go for just black? You know, a little messy, like that girl from the rock-star movie?”
“Well…” now Paula was even more confused, since the three of us kept pitching ideas. She could never make up her own mind and what annoyed me extremely was the fact that, not only was she indecisive, she just wanted to be whatever Yakko told her to be; that I didn’t feel like allowing, it just wasn’t right.
“…so you do tattoos and piercings here, too?” she turned to the unlucky soul who was chosen to cut her hair. He gulped lightly and nod his head, adding almost immediately:
“T-that’s Frankie’s department, though. She’s amazing with ink!”
“Killer.” Was all my friend would say, while pondering all the suggestions “….so would rainbow hair be hard to do?”
“Well, it’s not impossible, but it will take a few hours work and-“
“You’re not gettin’ that!” I walked over to her, almost tempted to growl at the stylist “You make `er look like a walking skittle and I’ll pummel ya!”
“….maybe I should give you all some time…” the man was now frightened by all of us and probably cursed his luck and profession. Paula decided to be reasonable:
“I’ll think about it while I’m getting the ink and piercings… sorry about that, dude…I, uh… I really like my hair…” she felt a little embarrassed, while the man just had to blurt out, for the sake of his own safety:
“It IS lovely hair…”
“Wait, what’re you getting?” Yakko wanted to know, while I tried to hold him back:
“What, you’re gonna hold `er hand in there, too?”
“…those things are done with needles, Wakko, they actually hurt.” He tried to explain, while I rolled my eyes and puffed:
“And I’m sure she was in great pain when the few centimeters of ‘er hair separated from `er skull. Gimme a break, what’re you tryin’ to do here, Yakko??”
“I’m trying to help a scared girl out, she had too much to deal with in too short of time, she needs support. Brushing off things like-“
“I really don’t get why she was so frightened about a haircut, though.” Dot agreed with me, even in a much calmer way
“That’s what I was trying to explain, sibs, if you both would let me…” Yakko claimed in a calming manner, avoiding my aggravated stare “To Paula, her hair is the only thing in her life she has control over; the only thing she can change whenever she wants, to reflect on how she feels, whether it’s feeling unpretty or sad for any other reason, or happy, or anything. It’s the only thing she feels she can change easily. To her, having someone else change it is like losing that little bit of control. Our little Snow feels like she’s been controlled all her life for… some reason. I personally think her own fears and demons are controlling her, and no one else, but that’s just me. Understand now?”
Dot seemed content with that explanation; me, however, I still wanted a reason to pout and frown. No clue why, but I really did:
“Oh so now you’re a Paula expert too! You really think you know so much-“
“No, I asked and she told me, before we came here.” He cut me off, before another pointless fight between us would occur.
Oh.
“Oh.” I took a few seconds, while Yakko was already opening his mouth to speak more, and then decided I still wanna be a pain, again, as always, never really sure why:
“Well!!! Then, then you’re a jerk, you know that??”
Yakko and Dot exchanged glances; my sister gave out a deep sigh:
“I’ll go see if Paula’s ok, I’m getting a headache…”
“Please keep her away from skulls and snakes, sis, honestly, be nice and have her get something feminine. I’m begging here.” Yakko half-shouted after her, then turned to me “Pardon? I’m a jerk? How, my dear Wakko am I being the jerk?”
“You just said it, you’re takin’ away the little bit of individuality she has left! The lil bit of control! You’re trying to change `er, how can you like someone and go out of your way to change `em into some Skittle lady??”
“Wakko.” I could sense he was losing patience with me, but I could care less at the moment. I was actually on a good point, and maybe for once, had a chance to win an argument. Of course, when your opponent is my brother, that’s highly unlikely. I don’t know how he does it, but he always finds something to say and at the same time, leave you out of words.
He should be on debates, but it’d prolly bore him too much.
“…I’m not trying to “change her”; I was trying to keep her cheerful. That was the first thing that popped into my head, that commercial I mentioned, I saw it more than one year ago, so I don’t even remember the woman’s face. It was just a suggestion, I don’t care what she does with her hair, she could shave it off for all I-“
“There! You don’t care about her looks, so how can you… like `er??” I felt like he was getting tired; but me, I could do this all day.
“Contradicting yourself, but that’s becoming a habit of yours recently, so I won’t even bother.” Yakko took a seat, gave out a deep sigh and replied in a mocking tone “Of course, when I want a relationship, all I should care about is looks. Yep, that’s me. I’d only date someone if they’re just drop-dead gorgeous or looked exactly like I wanted…”
I blinked, confused, and stared down at him:
“…don’t you?”
“Yes, Wakko, I love beautiful girls, we all know that… but in a relationship, that’s not what counts most. When I actually am interested in someone, I don’t chase after only their looks. If something in their personality turns me off, she can look like Princess Aurora and I’d still show her the door. I don’t need pretty dolls to look at, I need human beings! And to me, Paula’s pretty just the way she is; whatever she wants, she can change or not change, it’s really her choice, but if she does put a skull on her skin, I’m not gonna lie to you, bro, I’ll be a little turned off… that’d just be ugly, on a girl, something that’d belong on a biker gang leader’s forehead…” my brother finished off, but an idea seemed to perk him up “Although… if she did got something of the sort… in a way, kinda hot… shows she has strength of character, baldness… anyone who’d wanna walk around with a Mr. Skullhead on their skin has a pair, so even then I doubt I’d mind that much… but I’m hoping she won’t.” he took a glimpse at the door, probably having faith that Dot would never let anything of the sort happen. I was sure she wouldn’t, but still felt angry and wanted to find more reasons to nag on him.
For a little bit, I couldn’t find any. I sat next to him and frowned, while he decided that in our particular case, silence would be worth ten times more than gold and just stood there, humming to himself and smiling from time to time, waiting for the girls to return.
“She’s beautiful.” I blurted out, completely out of nowhere, just hoping he’d say something that’ll make us fight. Yakko however, was apparently prepared:
“Yep, Paula’s beautiful, that doesn’t mean she can’t be called other things, like pretty, or cute, or lovely, gorgeous, ect… they pretty much mean the same thing, bro.”
How did he even know I was talking about her? Sometimes he scares me. I take it, he was expecting anything that I’d say next would be related to her and was prepared. Also, the little sneak, he got extra points just for making it seem like he “assumes” and associates only her with the word “beautiful”. No wonder he gets so many dates, if she was listening right now, she’d be in a puddle, all around his feet.
Having nothing to say, I kept making a very scary, aggravated face -when I say scary, I mean it. A woman passing by half-gasped when I looked up to her, since I probably had the words “Kill kill kill” shining in my eyes.
Well, not literally. But I’m sure I had that look.
Why was I picking on my brother, you might ask? Back then, I wasn’t sure. Right now, I guess I would explain, but you wouldn’t understand unless I go trough it, event by event. So I hope by the end of this you will, if not, do ask me more questions, I’d be happy to cover any grounds or holes I might’ve left.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell a story without leaving something out; since to you, it didn’t feel that important, but to the other person, it might be a huge plot key or helpful chi-chi.
“…if you’re gonna give `er tips, at least make her stop wearing that ugly lip-ring; `Least she listens to YOU.” I finally muttered, resting my face on my right hand, kicking my feet in the air with annoyance. I was sure that Yakko was dying to point out how jealous I sounded, but didn’t, for the sake of peace and sibling love (actually, he was the only one out of the two of us who worked very hard just to keep that bond of ours; it seemed that like no matter what I would do or say, he’d just want it to work out, no matter what):
“I like the lip-ring… it’s kinda hot…” he shrugged, grinning a little, while I frowned:
“I don’t, it’s very ugly!”
He WAS being honest, but in all fairness, so was I. I guess it show how much opinions can differ and what perspective can be like; again, lines like “to each his own” or “beauty in the eye of the beholder” come to mind, but they’re just too cheesy and lame. The latter has been done so many times, it’s just corny to hear it from anyone now.
“…well in the end of the day, little bro, it’s her mouth, so it’s her decision. She’s not making you wear it so you really don’t have much of a right to say. You can state your opinion, but Paula’s the one who decides on whether to listen to it, or not. Freedom of speech, but also, freedom of choice.”
“Well if you keep edging her to keep it, `course she will… she wants to look like anything you’d want her to look like…” I threw him a dark look, while he blinked:
“…that’s awful. I’ll talk to her about it, I can’t know if she exactly will be interested in being an item with me-“
“She will not!!”
“-but in general, I should tell her… guys are very turned off when a girl doesn’t like something about herself and would in fact change it, if they told them so. We hate that. The girl needs to stand up for herself and not be pushed around; if he doesn’t like her the way she is, no one’s forcing him to stick around… again, giving a tip or two is one thing, clinging on some guy to create you in whatever image he wants is just… not right, uhh…” he shook his head, and apparently, thought nothing more of it “But sometimes, even the boyfriend should have a word. If she decided she wanted to shave her head and cover every inch of skin in tats, I would have to at least hint that it’d be a bad idea, now wouldn’t I?”
If that ever came across Paula’s mind, I’d take her by the hand and get her an appointment with Scratchy, first chance I’d get possible. Yakko was actually being pretty gentle, that was a tad surprising, but I speak my mind… even if, recently, I lied so often… I usually just react and speak bluntly, since that’s just me.
“If she gets a skull, I’m taking all our savings out and putting her in surgery, that’s that.” I concluded, since that I would agree on. Not so sure if it’d be ugly, but it’d be darn creepy to even try and look at.
“Hey, hey! Putting us out of house and home, that’s unfair. Pitch in, but don’t send all four of us on the streets!” he knew I was kidding (although if that’d ever happen, chances are the joke might’ve become reality), but still scolded me, yet keeping his cheerful good mood, pretending to ignore my own obvious bad one. He didn’t feel like pushing my buttons, since he didn’t want us to fight, over and over again… and like I already mentioned, I just wanted to, so much!
Get angry already! Can’t I do somethin’ that’ll annoy you, even a little bit??
Eventually, Paula and Dot came back, and as we didn’t see anything on my friend’s shoulders, neck, hands, arms or legs, my brother went into a whispering tirade:
“Please not her hips, please not her waist, God she had such a sweet body, why, why, why did you take this away from me?? What did I ever do to you? Oh God, if it’s on her breast-“
“What’d you get and where?” I grinned, wagging my tail around, hoping that now, once and for all my problems would be solved. While Yakko seemed almost afraid, and went back into his quiet sobbing mode as she indeed reached to lift her shirt up, I perked up. Bye-bye, thanks for playing big brother, but aww, maybe you guys can be friends…
However… it didn’t go as I wanted and big surprise. Why don’t I ever get what I want? It’s just unfair. I’m not a bad person, no worse than a lot of every day ones, and they still seem to have much more luck with any of their wishes than I do. I just had one then! Alright, two… I was still kinda hoping that Paula might hook me up with Katie, but even that wasn’t that big of a desire!
It was a small, simple, tiny purple heart, with what seemed to be a black stitch across it, as if it had been put together, on the side of her left hip. I stared at it, and thought it was pretty cool; Dot seemed to like it, I guess, since she claimed she helped out with the idea, but I was still very much in Heaven, since Yakko seemed so frightened she’d mess with her hips.
But… when I looked over to my brother…
He was also staring at it, and for quite a while, with a look that… see, well… he didn’t speak much of it, but his gaze was suggestive enough and of things I really don’t feel comfortable wording. All I can say is, if you’ve ever seen a hungry wolf drool over a nice chunk of warm steak, somewhere in the zoo, perhaps? -you’d get a very clear idea:
“That’s…” my brother choked out, and the words “I want a taste” almost left his throat, but he found himself and some composure” …kinda cute, Snow!” Yakko calmed down and finally resumed talking in his usual tone “Nice idea, too. I like it. Good job, Dot, I knew I could trust you!”
“Of course. Making people cuter is just part of being me.” Dot shrugged, smiling sweetly, while Paula turned to me:
“You like it?”
My face had already dropped and I was actually surprised it didn’t scare her too, but I blurted out:
“Does it matter?”
My siblings probably shared glances behind my back once more, but Paula still had the right thing to say, after all:
“If it didn’t matter, would I ask?” she put it simply, apparently very hopeful that I would approve:
“What do you care?? You never listen to me!! I keep telling you to take off that lip-ring, but-“
“So you hate it?” her face went down and she sighed a little bit “I knew you would. Well, I just-“
“Then why’d you get it? See, you don’ even care what I think, because-“
“Because… I liked it. I want you to like it, too… I do want advice on looking better, but in the end, when I decide to get something done, I do it. It has turned out wrong or stupid in the past, but your sister has good taste, I decided… why not, I wanted to show I’ve patched things up inside of me and am still gonna stand up on my feet, no matter what. She just found the right image for it, that’s all… I had no clue what to get.”
“….I really think it’s very cool, Paula. Honest. I’m sorry, I didn’ mean to yell…” I stood up, feeling a tad guilty. It was her skin, she wasn’t supposed to think about me when she was sticking needles in it, why was I doing this to her now??
“You do?? Honest??” her eyes lit up for a little bit and I smiled, nodding my head:
“It’s faboo, I promise! I wouldn’t lie to ya if I didn’ like it… if I wanted to lie, I’d lie about the lip-ring, too… but it is kinda annoying that you keep it… can’t you consider just changin’ it, at least?”
I can’t describe her smile at that moment, but it was different, from any type I’ve ever seen form on her features before; it made my heart feel warm and I can’t put a finger on it, but I felt like I wanted her to hug me. She didn’t and I hated everyone for that, but…
I just hope that she’d change it so I wouldn’t be the one ending up in a puddle after all; in the same time, I would pray every day that she would smile just as she did back then, it was just…
Since this Disney-worthy moment of ours didn’t seem like it was about to end soon, Dot cleared her throat and decided to bring us back to Earth. It worked:
“So, are you getting anything else done? Your hair? Piercing?”
“Well, about the hair… I still wanna keep the same colors, but I guess going for a Joan Jett style sounds cool after all.” Paula seemed happier than ever, as she sat down at the hairdresser chair, while the worker from before, I noticed, actually said a little prayer before forcing himself to come over:
“So, did madam make up her mind?”
A few days passed after the described above events, yet so many things seemed to had changed, without me noticing at all. First off, Yakko did manage to find a place for Paula to stay in -it was a tiny little cellar room, which hardly looked that healthy, clean, but was extremely cheap and apparently, easy to turn around. He somehow talked the person into letting Paula buy it off in parts, with each salary she took, and the big part she did manage to offer from her job at the Ninja Turtle show was partly helpful; now, my friend did have some place she would be safe and no one would bother her. It took a while of cleaning, hours of re-modeling, freshening up and a whole ton of imagination so everything Copycat owned could fit in there -but somehow, we pulled it off. At the end, she had a nice little room all for herself, with no one around to disturb her and with a key and lock so she would never have to worry about being harmed again.
With that being said, Paula worked hard every day and offers did just start coming from nowhere, so purchasing the place fully wasn’t going to take very long at all; however, she seemed to be spending a lot more of her free time at the tower recently and I wouldn’t mind one bit, if I was included in most of her activities.
Why that was happening, I couldn’t figure out, but it aggravated me beyond words. Why was she picking him over me, why was I the one left out, I was her friend first! Why, why was it that every time my big brother stepped in the scene, I always became the invisible Warner?
Did he have to take everything? He was the smart, cool, “hot” one, the girls all loved him… Dot was the cute, sweet, adorable, loveable fan favorite… and me? Like I said, I had my share of fans, but between the two of them, did anyone even notice me, at all?
“They’re just friends, it’s because he helped her out before with that crazy lady, that’s all there is to it, it’ll pass…” I kept telling myself, but somehow, it didn’t make me feel any better. I had gotten so used to lying I was now doing it to myself… but it didn’t last long, since it only took a couple of minutes for all hope to shatter and for me to swallow defeat.
I was just coming home from hanging out with my friends one night, when I saw the two, Yakko and my… was she that? …friend, Paula, on the living-room couch. Apparently, they were having some type of argument, but it was in very quiet tones and they both seemed… confused, worried, for some reason scared…
“Why are you doing this to me?” my brother was questioning and I hid in the door’s shadows, just peeking slightly; the two neither saw nor heard me, apparently, they had too much on their minds at the moment to be concerned about someone who, up until this point, did nothing but apparently stalk them and stare at them from a distance. Oh, and cause tons of trouble. At least, I guess, if all I did was just look, it’d be somewhat better… yet, there I go, rambling off again…
When he asked that question, Paula looked away, shivering from head to toe, but he didn’t seem accusing or angry; he sounded gentle and almost a tad… hurt? Trying to touch her hand, she shift away, still quivering, and he just laughed slightly, with irony, shaking his head:
“Holding my hand is not a crime…”
“Yes it is, if you’re me…” came a very shaky whisper from her, while Yakko looked over at her side, she was desperately trying to hide every part of herself, pretty much quivering in a tiny ball and covering most of her face with her hair:
“Help me out here… I need to understand… I thought we were on the same page, I thought… you don’t want to even touch me in public, and I want a girlfriend whose hand I can hold without feeling like… a criminal. I’m not asking for a live flesh-fest on some bench somewhere, just… you can’t even admit we’re dating? You couldn’t even tell that prop girl, who came up to us to tell me “Oh, is that your girlfriend? She’s very pretty, Yakko!” that we were??”
“T-that… she was making fun of me, I just-“
“How can you know that? And for that matter, what is this going to be, exactly? Are we dating in secret? Are we even dating at all? Talk to me… I can’t keep trying to read everyone’s mind and I’m sick and tired of this… what, what’s wrong?” he kept questioning, but before she could answer, he added “You barely let me touch you when we’re alone, either… if it’s the people you’re worried about, why, right now?... There’s no one in this room but us!”
“I can’t… alright…” gulping lightly, Paula forced a smile on her face and turned to him, though her eyes were huge and she was still trembling “I… will you hear me out, please? And afterwards, if… if it’s too much, you’re free to walk away… just… listen…”
Silence followed, for as long as she could take a very deep breath, then her voice was heard once more:
“When I was a little younger, I ran away from home… my parents didn’t even call the police or try to find me, or reach me, anything… this… guy, he was… in his 30s, I think, I’m not sure, just took me in… kept saying he wanted to sleep with me, but I didn’t, and-“
“How the… how could you…” my brother started up, apparently shocked, but she hushed him gently and went on:
“I was scared, I had no place to go… two guys before him had made… a few similar suggestions, but he said he wouldn’t touch me if I didn’t want to… unfortunately… one night, he got really mad… he hit me over the face, so hard, my head bounced of the wall and said I was a no good, disgusting, dirty piece of garbage and no one would ever, ever want to sleep with me, ever… afterwards, he wouldn’t even let me leave the house… it was crazy, he kept begging for forgiveness and claiming he loved me, then turned around and would just insult me, all the while, I was terrified he’d hit me, I just had no choice… I had to lock myself up in his bathroom, claiming I was having my period and needed something to clean up and text the police from there, so they’d come and get me, then take me back home… I never told anyone… my parents acted as if I just came back from a vacation. I told the cops and they gave the man a restraining order and that was that… so, you wanna know? I’m embarrassed… I’m disgusted… but not by you, or anyone, I feel like…” she kept smiling, but tears were rolling down her cheeks so heavily, while Yakko remained speechless “I feel like I’m the worst, worst thing in this world, that I don’t deserve you, that I don’t deserve anyone. I’m ashamed of myself to such a length you cannot even imagine… yes, he was a crazy bastard, yes, I shouldn’t listen to what some angry person said, yes, I should care about your opinion only… but I don’t feel good enough… if people saw us together and knew, they’d mock you, and laugh, wonder why in the world you’re with me… you know the only way I can actually sleep with someone is if I’m drunk, completely wasted out of my socket?? That’s the only thing that’d get me to lift my shirt up and even then, I barely remember anything, I barely feel anything good out of it, that’s not… what I’d want it to be… with you…. But I just can’t…” her tears hit the floor, while I could see that, in the very moment, my brother’s heart was aching, probably more than her own. For some reason though, he smiled and said:
“I understand, but… those are hardly words you should’ve clinged on for so long. No one would’ve… it’s pretty obvious that when a person is annoyed at you, they’d say anything, and he wanted to sleep with you, so-“
“Said that he was desperate, since no one wanted him, either…” Paula muttered, but had calmed down at the sound of my brother’s voice:
“Gee, I wonder why. He sounds just lovely… leave it be, Snow… let it go…”
“I have. I don’t think about it, I just… always feel… un-worthy… it’s around everyone.” Copycat exhaled, wiping her tears away and smiling too, her trembling lessening with every second “That’s why…I want you, Yak, I just… I’m embarrassed of me… you’re just too good for me and I can’t fight this, so… it won’t work out, let’s leave it be and-“
“Lie down for a moment and close your eyes.”
“Uhm… what? No, Yakko, I just-“
“You trust me, right?” he looked her over, still smiling softly “I swear on my own pair of gloves I won’t lay a finger on you, either. Just… lay down for me, just for a tiiiny second and keep your eyes shut, alright?”
“I…ok…” she seemed more confused than worried, then flushed slightly and hurried to add “I never said… I never thought you’d want to… I don’t think you’re interested in touching me at all, as a matter of-“
“Come on, princess. On your back.”
Obeying him, Paula lay on the couch, her eyes shut tightly, still trembling from time to time, maybe it was the stress from having to tell and re-live that one apparently awful and painful memory… my brother kept fussing around the room, until finally, he leaned over above her and said:
“Now, I want you to stay calm and not worry about a thing. I’m a man of my word. I just hope you’re not ticklish.”
“What does that me-h-wha-…what’re you…”I couldn’t see exactly what was going on, but for some reason, she gasped, and started shaking once more “S-stop it… please… th-that’s not…”
“Shh, no peeking, I promised and I wouldn’t lie.”
“I… then… why am I feeling, what am I feeling, on my neck, it’s just-“
“It’ll just take a few seconds, anyway. Man up and stop fidgeting… do you trust me, or not?”
After several other gasps, she muttered a “Yeah” and that was that, but at this point, things didn’t look good from my end and I was putting a stop to it, now- but before I even reached for the doorknob, my bro had jumped up on his feet and was holding up a mirror:
“Ta-daaa! See? Told ya you could trust me.”
I couldn’t see anything, but after a moment of shock and confusion, for some reason, Paula burst out laughing:
“What the fuck?! Oh dude, and I thought I was crazy when it came to coloring!”
“Just thought you could use a little red, you’re kinda on the pale side…” Yakko grinned and I peeked in a little closer, only to see what it was all about. On Paula’s cheek, neck and neckline, several bright red hearts were painted, as well as one tiny pair of lips, right there on the side of her jaw-line. In Yakko’s feet, a tiny wet paint-brush was twirling around, from side to side, as Copycat was still laughing:
“So THAT’S what I felt. Jesus…” she shook her head, but couldn’t hide the softness in her eyes, as she was looking at him.
“Told ya I wouldn’t lay a finger on you, and I kept my word. Now, since you can, in fact trust me… can you trust me enough to actually let me say…that I do care and…” he took off his glove and stroke her other cheek carefully “…see, touching you and nothing bad happened. I lived… there’s nothing wrong with you, no one can say who’s good enough for who and at the end of the day… I decide who I want. I want you. I guess we’ll take baby steps, I needed to understand… but I promise you, I’ll be damned if I ever let you feel this way about yourself around me ever again…”
Paula flushed, but didn’t tremble, while he stroke her cheek:
“But… I still think…-“
“I think you should do less of that, no offense, but apparently, it’s really not doing you any good at all.” He shrugged, then shifted to move his hand away and hide the mirror and paint; however, she had clutched it in her own and was pressing it against her cheek gently, a small, shy smile forming on her lips:
“Yeah, I guess… baby steps sound fine…”
Yakko smiled and smirked slightly, closing in on her and pecking her cheek, then holding her close; she did tremble a little at first, but seemed to relax afterwards, in his arms:
“…now you’re gonna get paint all over yourself, too…”
“There’s a thing called a “shower” I’ve just been dying to try out, I hear it hits the spot perfectly when you get dirty.” He noted, and stood there, holding her, until eventually, both of them had calmed down and were just looking at each other, smiling, touching the other’s side or nose from time to time, almost playful, almost joking, however, even I could feel there was a lot more there…
What happened afterwards, I can’t say, since I left, feeling too much like a sick pervert and not managing to gulp down everything I had witnessed so far. It was over; he won. He always wins… and maybe it was better, maybe it was for everyone’s good… but…
In the end, he was right all along.
For you see, everything I had done up to this very point was because, deep, deep down inside I knew I would lose her. I just didn’t want to admit it, even to myself, yet I kept keeping her away, just so I wouldn’t be cast aside for the sake of her loving my brother… in a way that would never be possible for me and her.
What I can say was, eventually, things changed… Paula changed, and oh so much… she was always smiling, always laughing, talked to everyone and would hug anyone, even if they didn’t like her or insulted her… she just kept smiling. As time went by, everyone knew about her and Yakko… but no matter what they said about either of them, he always put them in their place and she was always glowing. Pride followed her in every step she took, confidence build up in her eyes and even if they still tried to put her down, no one succeeded.
Copycat… Copycat, who? Paula Crawford, Yakko Warner’s girl, oh, that’s her? Not the prettiest girl, that’s for sure -oh yeah? That’s my goddess over there; yep, that’s me, and I couldn’t be happier… so hi, how are you this fine day?
I was happy about her, I truly was, but… honestly?
I was miserable for myself, because I lost my friend. Forever. She was no longer my Paula, no longer the scared little fairy I’d cradled so many times, no longer the girl whose smile I loved more than anything in the world, no longer that shivering tiny person that once, just once, held me in her arms for one whole night and I’d hardly remember what that felt like, since I wasn’t even awake…
She was just my brother’s girlfriend.
And that won’t seem to be changing, not anytime soon; since it’s been a fact for years now… now me, in my teen years, I can just look at her from afar, laughing with him, playing in the grass or under the rain and it would just hurt… hurt, hurt, hurt…
But wanna hear the worst part of it all? One day she came up to me to give me a hug -which I didn’t even return, since it felt cold and different -and told me this, all to my face:
“You’re my bestest friend in the whole world! You gave me something, something greater than I could ever imagine! The biggest gift you could, your brother… you gave me life… I could never thank you enough, Wakko! I hated him, but if it wasn’t for your little meddling around, we would never-“
“…what? But… Paula, you… you had a crush on him, remember? Before you two even… met eye to eye, I… saw you, that one time-“
“What? No, I couldn’t stand him!” she laughed “After everything he did to me in that studio room and what he said when we did meet for the first time, I hated his guts so much! I wanted nothing to do with him at all… I forced myself to tolerate him because of you… because I need you, I wanted you -as a friend, don’t get me wrong, you were just a kid, man -but…I kept telling myself, I’ll put up with anything, just so I can keep a buddy like Wak. And… look what happened. Turns out he didn’t even hate me and I had no reason to hate him, at all… all because of you, sweetie… thank you so much…” Paula smiled brightly at me, while I felt like choking on the air around me, only managing to blurt out, somehow:
“B-b-but… I saw you, once… you were drawing hearts next to his poster, with a marker, I…you were…”
It took her a long time to recall that memory, then she laughed again, even louder:
“You- oh sweetie… no… I was drawing those hearts next to YOUR face, because you… you were my first and I think only true friend… I never meant anything perverted by it, but I loved you, just because you reached out to care, even only a few times… it meant so much to me then, you… you did.” She finished with a shrug, still smiling, while I felt moist form in my own eyes.
Lie… please, say it’s a lie…
All this time, all of these years, everything…
That would’ve never happened if I…
…I did this?? I gave you to my brother without even knowing and you…
…never interested? But now…
“I’m glad things were so messy.” She sighed happily, then pat me on the shoulder “I never thought I’d love someone as much as I love Yak… he’s just… I love my life now and it’s all because of you two…”
Say something, say anything…
Please, just go away, don’t, I can’t cry here, this isn’t fair, why this, what happened, I don’t want this, please…
Just one look would make my heart break; growing up would make it change its ways. No, I never had a crush on Paula, not back then, since I was too little… but as I grew and grew, my feelings were far from friendly…
Possibly, nothing would’ve ever happened, and yet, if I had just kept away, kept her to myself, this… maybe…
And now…
My brother’s girlfriend… and I could never have her.
Not even my friend, I couldn’t even have my friend back, either…
Pressing up to her and gently covering her lips with my own I held her tight… just for once… then let her go, turned around and muttered:
“Goodbye…”
And after this, I ran… I ran and hid, from her and figured that I would, forever.
Those words, on her car? I now know who wrote them. It was her all along, as a last act of desperately trying to find a reason to hate my brother. Still, it failed.
He won.
To this day, I wonder, did she ever truly exist? Who was she, really, did she have a form, or a voice? Was she just that, a copycat, shapeshifter, was she what you wanted to see her as?
Then please, if that is the case, turn invisible or bleach with the scenery, because…
My friend is dead and gone and I can’t see my brother’s girlfriend anymore…
“I’ll be fine…” Paula promised, trying to sound brave, while I just raised an eyebrow, blinking. What was the big deal, here? It felt weird, she wasn’t getting a limb chopped off, just a few locks that’d grow back….
“Now, let’s just-“Copycat pretty much hissed at the hairdresser, who wanted to tend to the rest of her hair:
“I said just the bangs…”
“But honey, your hair, just a little freshening up, it wouldn’t hurt-“
“BANGS!”
“You know… have you ever considered… maybe, trying a different color?” Dot spoke up “How about blonde? Or maybe something reddish would be nicer for your complexion-“
“Uhm, well-“
“Oh, blonde would be hot. Maybe super-short, but no, no… you know, I once saw this commercial on TV… this amazing chick had complete rainbow hair, every color you can think of, and the back was slightly shorter than her front… damn she was pretty…” Yakko got lost in his own little world, while I frowned and elbowed him in the ribs. Twitching her eyes, Paula snapped at the hair-dresser dangerously:
“Do what he said, exactly like he said it…”
“Uhm… could you repeat it-“
“I SAID DO-“
“I think you should just keep it. I love your hair.” I claimed, crossing my arms strictly, while Dot shrugged:
“Maybe go for just black? You know, a little messy, like that girl from the rock-star movie?”
“Well…” now Paula was even more confused, since the three of us kept pitching ideas. She could never make up her own mind and what annoyed me extremely was the fact that, not only was she indecisive, she just wanted to be whatever Yakko told her to be; that I didn’t feel like allowing, it just wasn’t right.
“…so you do tattoos and piercings here, too?” she turned to the unlucky soul who was chosen to cut her hair. He gulped lightly and nod his head, adding almost immediately:
“T-that’s Frankie’s department, though. She’s amazing with ink!”
“Killer.” Was all my friend would say, while pondering all the suggestions “….so would rainbow hair be hard to do?”
“Well, it’s not impossible, but it will take a few hours work and-“
“You’re not gettin’ that!” I walked over to her, almost tempted to growl at the stylist “You make `er look like a walking skittle and I’ll pummel ya!”
“….maybe I should give you all some time…” the man was now frightened by all of us and probably cursed his luck and profession. Paula decided to be reasonable:
“I’ll think about it while I’m getting the ink and piercings… sorry about that, dude…I, uh… I really like my hair…” she felt a little embarrassed, while the man just had to blurt out, for the sake of his own safety:
“It IS lovely hair…”
“Wait, what’re you getting?” Yakko wanted to know, while I tried to hold him back:
“What, you’re gonna hold `er hand in there, too?”
“…those things are done with needles, Wakko, they actually hurt.” He tried to explain, while I rolled my eyes and puffed:
“And I’m sure she was in great pain when the few centimeters of ‘er hair separated from `er skull. Gimme a break, what’re you tryin’ to do here, Yakko??”
“I’m trying to help a scared girl out, she had too much to deal with in too short of time, she needs support. Brushing off things like-“
“I really don’t get why she was so frightened about a haircut, though.” Dot agreed with me, even in a much calmer way
“That’s what I was trying to explain, sibs, if you both would let me…” Yakko claimed in a calming manner, avoiding my aggravated stare “To Paula, her hair is the only thing in her life she has control over; the only thing she can change whenever she wants, to reflect on how she feels, whether it’s feeling unpretty or sad for any other reason, or happy, or anything. It’s the only thing she feels she can change easily. To her, having someone else change it is like losing that little bit of control. Our little Snow feels like she’s been controlled all her life for… some reason. I personally think her own fears and demons are controlling her, and no one else, but that’s just me. Understand now?”
Dot seemed content with that explanation; me, however, I still wanted a reason to pout and frown. No clue why, but I really did:
“Oh so now you’re a Paula expert too! You really think you know so much-“
“No, I asked and she told me, before we came here.” He cut me off, before another pointless fight between us would occur.
Oh.
“Oh.” I took a few seconds, while Yakko was already opening his mouth to speak more, and then decided I still wanna be a pain, again, as always, never really sure why:
“Well!!! Then, then you’re a jerk, you know that??”
Yakko and Dot exchanged glances; my sister gave out a deep sigh:
“I’ll go see if Paula’s ok, I’m getting a headache…”
“Please keep her away from skulls and snakes, sis, honestly, be nice and have her get something feminine. I’m begging here.” Yakko half-shouted after her, then turned to me “Pardon? I’m a jerk? How, my dear Wakko am I being the jerk?”
“You just said it, you’re takin’ away the little bit of individuality she has left! The lil bit of control! You’re trying to change `er, how can you like someone and go out of your way to change `em into some Skittle lady??”
“Wakko.” I could sense he was losing patience with me, but I could care less at the moment. I was actually on a good point, and maybe for once, had a chance to win an argument. Of course, when your opponent is my brother, that’s highly unlikely. I don’t know how he does it, but he always finds something to say and at the same time, leave you out of words.
He should be on debates, but it’d prolly bore him too much.
“…I’m not trying to “change her”; I was trying to keep her cheerful. That was the first thing that popped into my head, that commercial I mentioned, I saw it more than one year ago, so I don’t even remember the woman’s face. It was just a suggestion, I don’t care what she does with her hair, she could shave it off for all I-“
“There! You don’t care about her looks, so how can you… like `er??” I felt like he was getting tired; but me, I could do this all day.
“Contradicting yourself, but that’s becoming a habit of yours recently, so I won’t even bother.” Yakko took a seat, gave out a deep sigh and replied in a mocking tone “Of course, when I want a relationship, all I should care about is looks. Yep, that’s me. I’d only date someone if they’re just drop-dead gorgeous or looked exactly like I wanted…”
I blinked, confused, and stared down at him:
“…don’t you?”
“Yes, Wakko, I love beautiful girls, we all know that… but in a relationship, that’s not what counts most. When I actually am interested in someone, I don’t chase after only their looks. If something in their personality turns me off, she can look like Princess Aurora and I’d still show her the door. I don’t need pretty dolls to look at, I need human beings! And to me, Paula’s pretty just the way she is; whatever she wants, she can change or not change, it’s really her choice, but if she does put a skull on her skin, I’m not gonna lie to you, bro, I’ll be a little turned off… that’d just be ugly, on a girl, something that’d belong on a biker gang leader’s forehead…” my brother finished off, but an idea seemed to perk him up “Although… if she did got something of the sort… in a way, kinda hot… shows she has strength of character, baldness… anyone who’d wanna walk around with a Mr. Skullhead on their skin has a pair, so even then I doubt I’d mind that much… but I’m hoping she won’t.” he took a glimpse at the door, probably having faith that Dot would never let anything of the sort happen. I was sure she wouldn’t, but still felt angry and wanted to find more reasons to nag on him.
For a little bit, I couldn’t find any. I sat next to him and frowned, while he decided that in our particular case, silence would be worth ten times more than gold and just stood there, humming to himself and smiling from time to time, waiting for the girls to return.
“She’s beautiful.” I blurted out, completely out of nowhere, just hoping he’d say something that’ll make us fight. Yakko however, was apparently prepared:
“Yep, Paula’s beautiful, that doesn’t mean she can’t be called other things, like pretty, or cute, or lovely, gorgeous, ect… they pretty much mean the same thing, bro.”
How did he even know I was talking about her? Sometimes he scares me. I take it, he was expecting anything that I’d say next would be related to her and was prepared. Also, the little sneak, he got extra points just for making it seem like he “assumes” and associates only her with the word “beautiful”. No wonder he gets so many dates, if she was listening right now, she’d be in a puddle, all around his feet.
Having nothing to say, I kept making a very scary, aggravated face -when I say scary, I mean it. A woman passing by half-gasped when I looked up to her, since I probably had the words “Kill kill kill” shining in my eyes.
Well, not literally. But I’m sure I had that look.
Why was I picking on my brother, you might ask? Back then, I wasn’t sure. Right now, I guess I would explain, but you wouldn’t understand unless I go trough it, event by event. So I hope by the end of this you will, if not, do ask me more questions, I’d be happy to cover any grounds or holes I might’ve left.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell a story without leaving something out; since to you, it didn’t feel that important, but to the other person, it might be a huge plot key or helpful chi-chi.
“…if you’re gonna give `er tips, at least make her stop wearing that ugly lip-ring; `Least she listens to YOU.” I finally muttered, resting my face on my right hand, kicking my feet in the air with annoyance. I was sure that Yakko was dying to point out how jealous I sounded, but didn’t, for the sake of peace and sibling love (actually, he was the only one out of the two of us who worked very hard just to keep that bond of ours; it seemed that like no matter what I would do or say, he’d just want it to work out, no matter what):
“I like the lip-ring… it’s kinda hot…” he shrugged, grinning a little, while I frowned:
“I don’t, it’s very ugly!”
He WAS being honest, but in all fairness, so was I. I guess it show how much opinions can differ and what perspective can be like; again, lines like “to each his own” or “beauty in the eye of the beholder” come to mind, but they’re just too cheesy and lame. The latter has been done so many times, it’s just corny to hear it from anyone now.
“…well in the end of the day, little bro, it’s her mouth, so it’s her decision. She’s not making you wear it so you really don’t have much of a right to say. You can state your opinion, but Paula’s the one who decides on whether to listen to it, or not. Freedom of speech, but also, freedom of choice.”
“Well if you keep edging her to keep it, `course she will… she wants to look like anything you’d want her to look like…” I threw him a dark look, while he blinked:
“…that’s awful. I’ll talk to her about it, I can’t know if she exactly will be interested in being an item with me-“
“She will not!!”
“-but in general, I should tell her… guys are very turned off when a girl doesn’t like something about herself and would in fact change it, if they told them so. We hate that. The girl needs to stand up for herself and not be pushed around; if he doesn’t like her the way she is, no one’s forcing him to stick around… again, giving a tip or two is one thing, clinging on some guy to create you in whatever image he wants is just… not right, uhh…” he shook his head, and apparently, thought nothing more of it “But sometimes, even the boyfriend should have a word. If she decided she wanted to shave her head and cover every inch of skin in tats, I would have to at least hint that it’d be a bad idea, now wouldn’t I?”
If that ever came across Paula’s mind, I’d take her by the hand and get her an appointment with Scratchy, first chance I’d get possible. Yakko was actually being pretty gentle, that was a tad surprising, but I speak my mind… even if, recently, I lied so often… I usually just react and speak bluntly, since that’s just me.
“If she gets a skull, I’m taking all our savings out and putting her in surgery, that’s that.” I concluded, since that I would agree on. Not so sure if it’d be ugly, but it’d be darn creepy to even try and look at.
“Hey, hey! Putting us out of house and home, that’s unfair. Pitch in, but don’t send all four of us on the streets!” he knew I was kidding (although if that’d ever happen, chances are the joke might’ve become reality), but still scolded me, yet keeping his cheerful good mood, pretending to ignore my own obvious bad one. He didn’t feel like pushing my buttons, since he didn’t want us to fight, over and over again… and like I already mentioned, I just wanted to, so much!
Get angry already! Can’t I do somethin’ that’ll annoy you, even a little bit??
Eventually, Paula and Dot came back, and as we didn’t see anything on my friend’s shoulders, neck, hands, arms or legs, my brother went into a whispering tirade:
“Please not her hips, please not her waist, God she had such a sweet body, why, why, why did you take this away from me?? What did I ever do to you? Oh God, if it’s on her breast-“
“What’d you get and where?” I grinned, wagging my tail around, hoping that now, once and for all my problems would be solved. While Yakko seemed almost afraid, and went back into his quiet sobbing mode as she indeed reached to lift her shirt up, I perked up. Bye-bye, thanks for playing big brother, but aww, maybe you guys can be friends…
However… it didn’t go as I wanted and big surprise. Why don’t I ever get what I want? It’s just unfair. I’m not a bad person, no worse than a lot of every day ones, and they still seem to have much more luck with any of their wishes than I do. I just had one then! Alright, two… I was still kinda hoping that Paula might hook me up with Katie, but even that wasn’t that big of a desire!
It was a small, simple, tiny purple heart, with what seemed to be a black stitch across it, as if it had been put together, on the side of her left hip. I stared at it, and thought it was pretty cool; Dot seemed to like it, I guess, since she claimed she helped out with the idea, but I was still very much in Heaven, since Yakko seemed so frightened she’d mess with her hips.
But… when I looked over to my brother…
He was also staring at it, and for quite a while, with a look that… see, well… he didn’t speak much of it, but his gaze was suggestive enough and of things I really don’t feel comfortable wording. All I can say is, if you’ve ever seen a hungry wolf drool over a nice chunk of warm steak, somewhere in the zoo, perhaps? -you’d get a very clear idea:
“That’s…” my brother choked out, and the words “I want a taste” almost left his throat, but he found himself and some composure” …kinda cute, Snow!” Yakko calmed down and finally resumed talking in his usual tone “Nice idea, too. I like it. Good job, Dot, I knew I could trust you!”
“Of course. Making people cuter is just part of being me.” Dot shrugged, smiling sweetly, while Paula turned to me:
“You like it?”
My face had already dropped and I was actually surprised it didn’t scare her too, but I blurted out:
“Does it matter?”
My siblings probably shared glances behind my back once more, but Paula still had the right thing to say, after all:
“If it didn’t matter, would I ask?” she put it simply, apparently very hopeful that I would approve:
“What do you care?? You never listen to me!! I keep telling you to take off that lip-ring, but-“
“So you hate it?” her face went down and she sighed a little bit “I knew you would. Well, I just-“
“Then why’d you get it? See, you don’ even care what I think, because-“
“Because… I liked it. I want you to like it, too… I do want advice on looking better, but in the end, when I decide to get something done, I do it. It has turned out wrong or stupid in the past, but your sister has good taste, I decided… why not, I wanted to show I’ve patched things up inside of me and am still gonna stand up on my feet, no matter what. She just found the right image for it, that’s all… I had no clue what to get.”
“….I really think it’s very cool, Paula. Honest. I’m sorry, I didn’ mean to yell…” I stood up, feeling a tad guilty. It was her skin, she wasn’t supposed to think about me when she was sticking needles in it, why was I doing this to her now??
“You do?? Honest??” her eyes lit up for a little bit and I smiled, nodding my head:
“It’s faboo, I promise! I wouldn’t lie to ya if I didn’ like it… if I wanted to lie, I’d lie about the lip-ring, too… but it is kinda annoying that you keep it… can’t you consider just changin’ it, at least?”
I can’t describe her smile at that moment, but it was different, from any type I’ve ever seen form on her features before; it made my heart feel warm and I can’t put a finger on it, but I felt like I wanted her to hug me. She didn’t and I hated everyone for that, but…
I just hope that she’d change it so I wouldn’t be the one ending up in a puddle after all; in the same time, I would pray every day that she would smile just as she did back then, it was just…
Since this Disney-worthy moment of ours didn’t seem like it was about to end soon, Dot cleared her throat and decided to bring us back to Earth. It worked:
“So, are you getting anything else done? Your hair? Piercing?”
“Well, about the hair… I still wanna keep the same colors, but I guess going for a Joan Jett style sounds cool after all.” Paula seemed happier than ever, as she sat down at the hairdresser chair, while the worker from before, I noticed, actually said a little prayer before forcing himself to come over:
“So, did madam make up her mind?”
A few days passed after the described above events, yet so many things seemed to had changed, without me noticing at all. First off, Yakko did manage to find a place for Paula to stay in -it was a tiny little cellar room, which hardly looked that healthy, clean, but was extremely cheap and apparently, easy to turn around. He somehow talked the person into letting Paula buy it off in parts, with each salary she took, and the big part she did manage to offer from her job at the Ninja Turtle show was partly helpful; now, my friend did have some place she would be safe and no one would bother her. It took a while of cleaning, hours of re-modeling, freshening up and a whole ton of imagination so everything Copycat owned could fit in there -but somehow, we pulled it off. At the end, she had a nice little room all for herself, with no one around to disturb her and with a key and lock so she would never have to worry about being harmed again.
With that being said, Paula worked hard every day and offers did just start coming from nowhere, so purchasing the place fully wasn’t going to take very long at all; however, she seemed to be spending a lot more of her free time at the tower recently and I wouldn’t mind one bit, if I was included in most of her activities.
Why that was happening, I couldn’t figure out, but it aggravated me beyond words. Why was she picking him over me, why was I the one left out, I was her friend first! Why, why was it that every time my big brother stepped in the scene, I always became the invisible Warner?
Did he have to take everything? He was the smart, cool, “hot” one, the girls all loved him… Dot was the cute, sweet, adorable, loveable fan favorite… and me? Like I said, I had my share of fans, but between the two of them, did anyone even notice me, at all?
“They’re just friends, it’s because he helped her out before with that crazy lady, that’s all there is to it, it’ll pass…” I kept telling myself, but somehow, it didn’t make me feel any better. I had gotten so used to lying I was now doing it to myself… but it didn’t last long, since it only took a couple of minutes for all hope to shatter and for me to swallow defeat.
I was just coming home from hanging out with my friends one night, when I saw the two, Yakko and my… was she that? …friend, Paula, on the living-room couch. Apparently, they were having some type of argument, but it was in very quiet tones and they both seemed… confused, worried, for some reason scared…
“Why are you doing this to me?” my brother was questioning and I hid in the door’s shadows, just peeking slightly; the two neither saw nor heard me, apparently, they had too much on their minds at the moment to be concerned about someone who, up until this point, did nothing but apparently stalk them and stare at them from a distance. Oh, and cause tons of trouble. At least, I guess, if all I did was just look, it’d be somewhat better… yet, there I go, rambling off again…
When he asked that question, Paula looked away, shivering from head to toe, but he didn’t seem accusing or angry; he sounded gentle and almost a tad… hurt? Trying to touch her hand, she shift away, still quivering, and he just laughed slightly, with irony, shaking his head:
“Holding my hand is not a crime…”
“Yes it is, if you’re me…” came a very shaky whisper from her, while Yakko looked over at her side, she was desperately trying to hide every part of herself, pretty much quivering in a tiny ball and covering most of her face with her hair:
“Help me out here… I need to understand… I thought we were on the same page, I thought… you don’t want to even touch me in public, and I want a girlfriend whose hand I can hold without feeling like… a criminal. I’m not asking for a live flesh-fest on some bench somewhere, just… you can’t even admit we’re dating? You couldn’t even tell that prop girl, who came up to us to tell me “Oh, is that your girlfriend? She’s very pretty, Yakko!” that we were??”
“T-that… she was making fun of me, I just-“
“How can you know that? And for that matter, what is this going to be, exactly? Are we dating in secret? Are we even dating at all? Talk to me… I can’t keep trying to read everyone’s mind and I’m sick and tired of this… what, what’s wrong?” he kept questioning, but before she could answer, he added “You barely let me touch you when we’re alone, either… if it’s the people you’re worried about, why, right now?... There’s no one in this room but us!”
“I can’t… alright…” gulping lightly, Paula forced a smile on her face and turned to him, though her eyes were huge and she was still trembling “I… will you hear me out, please? And afterwards, if… if it’s too much, you’re free to walk away… just… listen…”
Silence followed, for as long as she could take a very deep breath, then her voice was heard once more:
“When I was a little younger, I ran away from home… my parents didn’t even call the police or try to find me, or reach me, anything… this… guy, he was… in his 30s, I think, I’m not sure, just took me in… kept saying he wanted to sleep with me, but I didn’t, and-“
“How the… how could you…” my brother started up, apparently shocked, but she hushed him gently and went on:
“I was scared, I had no place to go… two guys before him had made… a few similar suggestions, but he said he wouldn’t touch me if I didn’t want to… unfortunately… one night, he got really mad… he hit me over the face, so hard, my head bounced of the wall and said I was a no good, disgusting, dirty piece of garbage and no one would ever, ever want to sleep with me, ever… afterwards, he wouldn’t even let me leave the house… it was crazy, he kept begging for forgiveness and claiming he loved me, then turned around and would just insult me, all the while, I was terrified he’d hit me, I just had no choice… I had to lock myself up in his bathroom, claiming I was having my period and needed something to clean up and text the police from there, so they’d come and get me, then take me back home… I never told anyone… my parents acted as if I just came back from a vacation. I told the cops and they gave the man a restraining order and that was that… so, you wanna know? I’m embarrassed… I’m disgusted… but not by you, or anyone, I feel like…” she kept smiling, but tears were rolling down her cheeks so heavily, while Yakko remained speechless “I feel like I’m the worst, worst thing in this world, that I don’t deserve you, that I don’t deserve anyone. I’m ashamed of myself to such a length you cannot even imagine… yes, he was a crazy bastard, yes, I shouldn’t listen to what some angry person said, yes, I should care about your opinion only… but I don’t feel good enough… if people saw us together and knew, they’d mock you, and laugh, wonder why in the world you’re with me… you know the only way I can actually sleep with someone is if I’m drunk, completely wasted out of my socket?? That’s the only thing that’d get me to lift my shirt up and even then, I barely remember anything, I barely feel anything good out of it, that’s not… what I’d want it to be… with you…. But I just can’t…” her tears hit the floor, while I could see that, in the very moment, my brother’s heart was aching, probably more than her own. For some reason though, he smiled and said:
“I understand, but… those are hardly words you should’ve clinged on for so long. No one would’ve… it’s pretty obvious that when a person is annoyed at you, they’d say anything, and he wanted to sleep with you, so-“
“Said that he was desperate, since no one wanted him, either…” Paula muttered, but had calmed down at the sound of my brother’s voice:
“Gee, I wonder why. He sounds just lovely… leave it be, Snow… let it go…”
“I have. I don’t think about it, I just… always feel… un-worthy… it’s around everyone.” Copycat exhaled, wiping her tears away and smiling too, her trembling lessening with every second “That’s why…I want you, Yak, I just… I’m embarrassed of me… you’re just too good for me and I can’t fight this, so… it won’t work out, let’s leave it be and-“
“Lie down for a moment and close your eyes.”
“Uhm… what? No, Yakko, I just-“
“You trust me, right?” he looked her over, still smiling softly “I swear on my own pair of gloves I won’t lay a finger on you, either. Just… lay down for me, just for a tiiiny second and keep your eyes shut, alright?”
“I…ok…” she seemed more confused than worried, then flushed slightly and hurried to add “I never said… I never thought you’d want to… I don’t think you’re interested in touching me at all, as a matter of-“
“Come on, princess. On your back.”
Obeying him, Paula lay on the couch, her eyes shut tightly, still trembling from time to time, maybe it was the stress from having to tell and re-live that one apparently awful and painful memory… my brother kept fussing around the room, until finally, he leaned over above her and said:
“Now, I want you to stay calm and not worry about a thing. I’m a man of my word. I just hope you’re not ticklish.”
“What does that me-h-wha-…what’re you…”I couldn’t see exactly what was going on, but for some reason, she gasped, and started shaking once more “S-stop it… please… th-that’s not…”
“Shh, no peeking, I promised and I wouldn’t lie.”
“I… then… why am I feeling, what am I feeling, on my neck, it’s just-“
“It’ll just take a few seconds, anyway. Man up and stop fidgeting… do you trust me, or not?”
After several other gasps, she muttered a “Yeah” and that was that, but at this point, things didn’t look good from my end and I was putting a stop to it, now- but before I even reached for the doorknob, my bro had jumped up on his feet and was holding up a mirror:
“Ta-daaa! See? Told ya you could trust me.”
I couldn’t see anything, but after a moment of shock and confusion, for some reason, Paula burst out laughing:
“What the fuck?! Oh dude, and I thought I was crazy when it came to coloring!”
“Just thought you could use a little red, you’re kinda on the pale side…” Yakko grinned and I peeked in a little closer, only to see what it was all about. On Paula’s cheek, neck and neckline, several bright red hearts were painted, as well as one tiny pair of lips, right there on the side of her jaw-line. In Yakko’s feet, a tiny wet paint-brush was twirling around, from side to side, as Copycat was still laughing:
“So THAT’S what I felt. Jesus…” she shook her head, but couldn’t hide the softness in her eyes, as she was looking at him.
“Told ya I wouldn’t lay a finger on you, and I kept my word. Now, since you can, in fact trust me… can you trust me enough to actually let me say…that I do care and…” he took off his glove and stroke her other cheek carefully “…see, touching you and nothing bad happened. I lived… there’s nothing wrong with you, no one can say who’s good enough for who and at the end of the day… I decide who I want. I want you. I guess we’ll take baby steps, I needed to understand… but I promise you, I’ll be damned if I ever let you feel this way about yourself around me ever again…”
Paula flushed, but didn’t tremble, while he stroke her cheek:
“But… I still think…-“
“I think you should do less of that, no offense, but apparently, it’s really not doing you any good at all.” He shrugged, then shifted to move his hand away and hide the mirror and paint; however, she had clutched it in her own and was pressing it against her cheek gently, a small, shy smile forming on her lips:
“Yeah, I guess… baby steps sound fine…”
Yakko smiled and smirked slightly, closing in on her and pecking her cheek, then holding her close; she did tremble a little at first, but seemed to relax afterwards, in his arms:
“…now you’re gonna get paint all over yourself, too…”
“There’s a thing called a “shower” I’ve just been dying to try out, I hear it hits the spot perfectly when you get dirty.” He noted, and stood there, holding her, until eventually, both of them had calmed down and were just looking at each other, smiling, touching the other’s side or nose from time to time, almost playful, almost joking, however, even I could feel there was a lot more there…
What happened afterwards, I can’t say, since I left, feeling too much like a sick pervert and not managing to gulp down everything I had witnessed so far. It was over; he won. He always wins… and maybe it was better, maybe it was for everyone’s good… but…
In the end, he was right all along.
For you see, everything I had done up to this very point was because, deep, deep down inside I knew I would lose her. I just didn’t want to admit it, even to myself, yet I kept keeping her away, just so I wouldn’t be cast aside for the sake of her loving my brother… in a way that would never be possible for me and her.
What I can say was, eventually, things changed… Paula changed, and oh so much… she was always smiling, always laughing, talked to everyone and would hug anyone, even if they didn’t like her or insulted her… she just kept smiling. As time went by, everyone knew about her and Yakko… but no matter what they said about either of them, he always put them in their place and she was always glowing. Pride followed her in every step she took, confidence build up in her eyes and even if they still tried to put her down, no one succeeded.
Copycat… Copycat, who? Paula Crawford, Yakko Warner’s girl, oh, that’s her? Not the prettiest girl, that’s for sure -oh yeah? That’s my goddess over there; yep, that’s me, and I couldn’t be happier… so hi, how are you this fine day?
I was happy about her, I truly was, but… honestly?
I was miserable for myself, because I lost my friend. Forever. She was no longer my Paula, no longer the scared little fairy I’d cradled so many times, no longer the girl whose smile I loved more than anything in the world, no longer that shivering tiny person that once, just once, held me in her arms for one whole night and I’d hardly remember what that felt like, since I wasn’t even awake…
She was just my brother’s girlfriend.
And that won’t seem to be changing, not anytime soon; since it’s been a fact for years now… now me, in my teen years, I can just look at her from afar, laughing with him, playing in the grass or under the rain and it would just hurt… hurt, hurt, hurt…
But wanna hear the worst part of it all? One day she came up to me to give me a hug -which I didn’t even return, since it felt cold and different -and told me this, all to my face:
“You’re my bestest friend in the whole world! You gave me something, something greater than I could ever imagine! The biggest gift you could, your brother… you gave me life… I could never thank you enough, Wakko! I hated him, but if it wasn’t for your little meddling around, we would never-“
“…what? But… Paula, you… you had a crush on him, remember? Before you two even… met eye to eye, I… saw you, that one time-“
“What? No, I couldn’t stand him!” she laughed “After everything he did to me in that studio room and what he said when we did meet for the first time, I hated his guts so much! I wanted nothing to do with him at all… I forced myself to tolerate him because of you… because I need you, I wanted you -as a friend, don’t get me wrong, you were just a kid, man -but…I kept telling myself, I’ll put up with anything, just so I can keep a buddy like Wak. And… look what happened. Turns out he didn’t even hate me and I had no reason to hate him, at all… all because of you, sweetie… thank you so much…” Paula smiled brightly at me, while I felt like choking on the air around me, only managing to blurt out, somehow:
“B-b-but… I saw you, once… you were drawing hearts next to his poster, with a marker, I…you were…”
It took her a long time to recall that memory, then she laughed again, even louder:
“You- oh sweetie… no… I was drawing those hearts next to YOUR face, because you… you were my first and I think only true friend… I never meant anything perverted by it, but I loved you, just because you reached out to care, even only a few times… it meant so much to me then, you… you did.” She finished with a shrug, still smiling, while I felt moist form in my own eyes.
Lie… please, say it’s a lie…
All this time, all of these years, everything…
That would’ve never happened if I…
…I did this?? I gave you to my brother without even knowing and you…
…never interested? But now…
“I’m glad things were so messy.” She sighed happily, then pat me on the shoulder “I never thought I’d love someone as much as I love Yak… he’s just… I love my life now and it’s all because of you two…”
Say something, say anything…
Please, just go away, don’t, I can’t cry here, this isn’t fair, why this, what happened, I don’t want this, please…
Just one look would make my heart break; growing up would make it change its ways. No, I never had a crush on Paula, not back then, since I was too little… but as I grew and grew, my feelings were far from friendly…
Possibly, nothing would’ve ever happened, and yet, if I had just kept away, kept her to myself, this… maybe…
And now…
My brother’s girlfriend… and I could never have her.
Not even my friend, I couldn’t even have my friend back, either…
Pressing up to her and gently covering her lips with my own I held her tight… just for once… then let her go, turned around and muttered:
“Goodbye…”
And after this, I ran… I ran and hid, from her and figured that I would, forever.
Those words, on her car? I now know who wrote them. It was her all along, as a last act of desperately trying to find a reason to hate my brother. Still, it failed.
He won.
To this day, I wonder, did she ever truly exist? Who was she, really, did she have a form, or a voice? Was she just that, a copycat, shapeshifter, was she what you wanted to see her as?
Then please, if that is the case, turn invisible or bleach with the scenery, because…
My friend is dead and gone and I can’t see my brother’s girlfriend anymore…