Inspection, 6/7
Title: Inspection
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Characters/Pairing: Team - gen
Genre: Parody
Summary: It’s inspection time, and backstory inconsistencies are going to bite them in the ass.
…
Inspection
Part Six: Emily Prentiss
Emily Prentiss was not overly concerned by the activities of the Department of Continuity in Fictional Media. If she could survive Erin Strauss, she could survive Paul Swift.
Still, it would be a pain in the ass to have him sit there and try to dissect every single facet of her backstory and characterization. It was as though the heart behind it didn’t count for a damn thing anymore.
When she entered the office, he was staring at his clipboard, frowning. She slid into the chair opposite him at the round table.
There was a long silence.
‘What is this, Agent Prentiss?’ he asked, sliding a piece of paper across the table. Emily tried not to laugh.
‘That’s my file, sir,’ she said, certain to include as much venom as possible in the word “sir.” It was more fun than simply saying “fuck you.”
‘Why is so much of it blacked out?’
‘Gee,’ she said, feigning ignorance. ‘I guess you don’t have the right clearance level to read my file. What a pity.’
Really, though, Emily had absolutely no idea why the file was blacked out. It wasn’t as though there was anything particularly heinous in her backstory. Just the mandated “deadly and unexpected secret,” but most of the team had one of those. These days, it was more surprising to see characters that didn’t have one.
She was pretty sure that even the extras had secrets.
But that didn’t mean she couldn’t have fun with it.
‘You know, it might have something to do with that time I did contract killings for the KGB. That’s need to know, right?’
He gave her a look that quite clearly said he wasn’t amused. ‘Your attitude isn’t helping your position, Agent Prentiss.’
‘What position?’ she asked bluntly. ‘So far, you haven’t found anything contradictory. But we both know that that doesn’t matter in a witch-hunt. You’ll find something.’
His silence was about as much answer as she needed. After a few seconds, he clicked his pen, and scribbled some notes: probably something about her “problems with authority.” That much, at least, was semi-canonical; sure, she had problems with people in authority, but only if said people were complete dicks.
Even after all the serial killers, there always seemed to be another villain.
‘Let’s move on to what we do have, then,’ Swift said eventually, clearly disgruntled by her lack of co-operation, and, if her profiling instincts were correct, the lack of co-operation from the rest of the team. There was no way that any of them would have taken this kind of thing lying down.
‘It says here that you were in the Bureau for ten years before being accepted into the BAU,’ Swift said. ‘And even then, that was as the result of Section Chief Strauss pulling strings. “Executive meddling,” if you will.’
‘Your point?’ Emily asked, with a raised eyebrow. She didn’t want him to discuss the issue of her recruitment any further than he needed to. Aside from Hotch, the rest of the team didn’t know about the circumstances surrounding her joining the BAU, and even if it was a “plot reasons” thing, she wanted to keep her dignity intact.
‘My point is that both Agent Reid and Agent Morgan were accepted into the BAU almost immediately after joining the Bureau. With the television suspension of disbelief that Agent Morgan so kindly reminded me of taken into account, it seems illogical to think that someone who is quite clearly capable of profiling was not able to join the Unit sooner.’
‘Isn’t that a problem with their backstories, not mine? For all you know, I could have been busy taking out enemy spies,’ she said, casually. For all she knew, it was true - for some inane reason, they weren’t allowed to know secret backstories too far in advance. Something about keeping the storylines fluid. Privately, Emily felt that it was because whoever was in charge of the backstories hadn’t quite had time to pull it out of their ass yet. And maybe there was a little something in there about gender as well, but she didn’t really want to open that can of worms.
Swift didn’t answer, which probably meant that she was right.
‘Moving on,’ he said, abruptly. ‘As with some of your colleagues, there are some inconsistencies with regards to your education. In your first episode, you made it quite clear that you had attended Yale, whereas two seasons later, you referred to Georgetown as the college that you had attended.’
‘I’m not allowed to attend more than one college?’ she asked, eyebrow raised. ‘I didn’t realize that character restrictions had gotten so tough.’
‘Please refrain from smart-mouthing me, Agent Prentiss. Remember that your fate lies in my hands. One whisper in the right ear, and I could have you written off.’
Emily tried to stop herself from snorting. Who the hell did this guy think he was?
The rest of his questions were mundane, and irritatingly pedantic, as if anyone really cared that much about her shoes.
When she left the briefing room, Morgan and Garcia were hanging around outside, apparently trying to look nonchalant.
‘Well?’ Morgan demanded.
Emily wrinkled her brow. ‘It was weird.’
‘He was asking you the same questions he was asking the rest of us, right? Backstory inconsistencies or some bullshit?’
‘Yeah,’ Emily nodded. ‘That wasn’t the weird bit though.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. I kinda feel like something’s going on that we don’t know about.’
Morgan shot Garcia a look, and Emily got the idea that she wasn’t the only one with suspicions.
‘So,’ Garcia said. Her voice was wavering. ‘What are we going to do?’
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Characters/Pairing: Team - gen
Genre: Parody
Summary: It’s inspection time, and backstory inconsistencies are going to bite them in the ass.
…
Inspection
Part Six: Emily Prentiss
Emily Prentiss was not overly concerned by the activities of the Department of Continuity in Fictional Media. If she could survive Erin Strauss, she could survive Paul Swift.
Still, it would be a pain in the ass to have him sit there and try to dissect every single facet of her backstory and characterization. It was as though the heart behind it didn’t count for a damn thing anymore.
When she entered the office, he was staring at his clipboard, frowning. She slid into the chair opposite him at the round table.
There was a long silence.
‘What is this, Agent Prentiss?’ he asked, sliding a piece of paper across the table. Emily tried not to laugh.
‘That’s my file, sir,’ she said, certain to include as much venom as possible in the word “sir.” It was more fun than simply saying “fuck you.”
‘Why is so much of it blacked out?’
‘Gee,’ she said, feigning ignorance. ‘I guess you don’t have the right clearance level to read my file. What a pity.’
Really, though, Emily had absolutely no idea why the file was blacked out. It wasn’t as though there was anything particularly heinous in her backstory. Just the mandated “deadly and unexpected secret,” but most of the team had one of those. These days, it was more surprising to see characters that didn’t have one.
She was pretty sure that even the extras had secrets.
But that didn’t mean she couldn’t have fun with it.
‘You know, it might have something to do with that time I did contract killings for the KGB. That’s need to know, right?’
He gave her a look that quite clearly said he wasn’t amused. ‘Your attitude isn’t helping your position, Agent Prentiss.’
‘What position?’ she asked bluntly. ‘So far, you haven’t found anything contradictory. But we both know that that doesn’t matter in a witch-hunt. You’ll find something.’
His silence was about as much answer as she needed. After a few seconds, he clicked his pen, and scribbled some notes: probably something about her “problems with authority.” That much, at least, was semi-canonical; sure, she had problems with people in authority, but only if said people were complete dicks.
Even after all the serial killers, there always seemed to be another villain.
‘Let’s move on to what we do have, then,’ Swift said eventually, clearly disgruntled by her lack of co-operation, and, if her profiling instincts were correct, the lack of co-operation from the rest of the team. There was no way that any of them would have taken this kind of thing lying down.
‘It says here that you were in the Bureau for ten years before being accepted into the BAU,’ Swift said. ‘And even then, that was as the result of Section Chief Strauss pulling strings. “Executive meddling,” if you will.’
‘Your point?’ Emily asked, with a raised eyebrow. She didn’t want him to discuss the issue of her recruitment any further than he needed to. Aside from Hotch, the rest of the team didn’t know about the circumstances surrounding her joining the BAU, and even if it was a “plot reasons” thing, she wanted to keep her dignity intact.
‘My point is that both Agent Reid and Agent Morgan were accepted into the BAU almost immediately after joining the Bureau. With the television suspension of disbelief that Agent Morgan so kindly reminded me of taken into account, it seems illogical to think that someone who is quite clearly capable of profiling was not able to join the Unit sooner.’
‘Isn’t that a problem with their backstories, not mine? For all you know, I could have been busy taking out enemy spies,’ she said, casually. For all she knew, it was true - for some inane reason, they weren’t allowed to know secret backstories too far in advance. Something about keeping the storylines fluid. Privately, Emily felt that it was because whoever was in charge of the backstories hadn’t quite had time to pull it out of their ass yet. And maybe there was a little something in there about gender as well, but she didn’t really want to open that can of worms.
Swift didn’t answer, which probably meant that she was right.
‘Moving on,’ he said, abruptly. ‘As with some of your colleagues, there are some inconsistencies with regards to your education. In your first episode, you made it quite clear that you had attended Yale, whereas two seasons later, you referred to Georgetown as the college that you had attended.’
‘I’m not allowed to attend more than one college?’ she asked, eyebrow raised. ‘I didn’t realize that character restrictions had gotten so tough.’
‘Please refrain from smart-mouthing me, Agent Prentiss. Remember that your fate lies in my hands. One whisper in the right ear, and I could have you written off.’
Emily tried to stop herself from snorting. Who the hell did this guy think he was?
The rest of his questions were mundane, and irritatingly pedantic, as if anyone really cared that much about her shoes.
When she left the briefing room, Morgan and Garcia were hanging around outside, apparently trying to look nonchalant.
‘Well?’ Morgan demanded.
Emily wrinkled her brow. ‘It was weird.’
‘He was asking you the same questions he was asking the rest of us, right? Backstory inconsistencies or some bullshit?’
‘Yeah,’ Emily nodded. ‘That wasn’t the weird bit though.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t know. I kinda feel like something’s going on that we don’t know about.’
Morgan shot Garcia a look, and Emily got the idea that she wasn’t the only one with suspicions.
‘So,’ Garcia said. Her voice was wavering. ‘What are we going to do?’