Stargate Atlantis, apparently I decided Rodney was a despressed child
Therapy fic. Stargate Atlantis. Rodney reflecting on childhood. Extended drabble. Somesuch.
Edit: Got the quote from aricadavidson.
The Beauty of Selfishness
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." ~Herm Albright
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
When Rodney was a kid, he’d thought about killing himself. He could see it all play out in his head.
He would be standing in the living room with its pristine white carpet and the piano. The left temple would be facing the room at large, because if he was going to do it he was going to make as big an impression as possible. Rodney had never fired a gun before, but he could imagine the small tension in the trigger as he pulled it back with his forefinger. His head would ricochet to the left and his body would crumple to the carpet. With any luck, his stepmother would have had to clean up the mess. He wondered if the skin and hair near the entrance wound would be singed, maybe catch fire a little.
Rodney had never fired a gun in his fucking life. He didn’t know that either household owned one. It wasn’t like he was planning to ever go out and kill himself. The visualization was just there, handy in those minutes where he said something stupid to a beautiful girl or didn’t do well on a test. In his head, the girl would cry over him and the teacher would be stunned when the principal made the announcement that they lost another student.
But Rodney wasn’t stupid. He knew how life worked. The girl would have already forgotten about him by the time any announcement was made or he could get home to do anything, even. The teacher would pause like he threatened with the gun herself, but that would pass. His mother would cry and blame it on his father and stepmother and God and everyone else she could name. He didn’t know what his father would do. He actually doubted the school would make an announcement.
Fuck them all.
He wasn’t going to kill himself just so he could be forgotten by the general public and his stepmother could turn his bedroom over there into an exercise room. One of his friends told him about his recovery from depression, how he found someone to live for-promptly followed by ‘why don’t you drop your drawers and let me show you what he taught me,’ but that was besides the point-and that that’s the shit you need to keep going. Someone to live for.
Rodney knew he was perfect for the trip to Atlantis because of those visualizations as a kid. Yeah, he found someone to live for. Himself. He was his anti-drug, as those commercials no one would have thought about when he was a teen said; he was his reason to live. He knew life was short and he wanted to make as much of a mark on the time he had as he could. Not be forgotten before he could do anything. Or at least piss off a lot of people before he was forgotten. So it might have been all worth a little something.
Even if everyone from his planet died, Rodney knew he could survive. Because he wasn’t living for anyone else. He was living for himself.
Edit: Got the quote from aricadavidson.
The Beauty of Selfishness
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." ~Herm Albright
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
When Rodney was a kid, he’d thought about killing himself. He could see it all play out in his head.
He would be standing in the living room with its pristine white carpet and the piano. The left temple would be facing the room at large, because if he was going to do it he was going to make as big an impression as possible. Rodney had never fired a gun before, but he could imagine the small tension in the trigger as he pulled it back with his forefinger. His head would ricochet to the left and his body would crumple to the carpet. With any luck, his stepmother would have had to clean up the mess. He wondered if the skin and hair near the entrance wound would be singed, maybe catch fire a little.
Rodney had never fired a gun in his fucking life. He didn’t know that either household owned one. It wasn’t like he was planning to ever go out and kill himself. The visualization was just there, handy in those minutes where he said something stupid to a beautiful girl or didn’t do well on a test. In his head, the girl would cry over him and the teacher would be stunned when the principal made the announcement that they lost another student.
But Rodney wasn’t stupid. He knew how life worked. The girl would have already forgotten about him by the time any announcement was made or he could get home to do anything, even. The teacher would pause like he threatened with the gun herself, but that would pass. His mother would cry and blame it on his father and stepmother and God and everyone else she could name. He didn’t know what his father would do. He actually doubted the school would make an announcement.
Fuck them all.
He wasn’t going to kill himself just so he could be forgotten by the general public and his stepmother could turn his bedroom over there into an exercise room. One of his friends told him about his recovery from depression, how he found someone to live for-promptly followed by ‘why don’t you drop your drawers and let me show you what he taught me,’ but that was besides the point-and that that’s the shit you need to keep going. Someone to live for.
Rodney knew he was perfect for the trip to Atlantis because of those visualizations as a kid. Yeah, he found someone to live for. Himself. He was his anti-drug, as those commercials no one would have thought about when he was a teen said; he was his reason to live. He knew life was short and he wanted to make as much of a mark on the time he had as he could. Not be forgotten before he could do anything. Or at least piss off a lot of people before he was forgotten. So it might have been all worth a little something.
Even if everyone from his planet died, Rodney knew he could survive. Because he wasn’t living for anyone else. He was living for himself.