Merry Men: Episode 5
[American Idol/BSB/N'sync/Supernatural RPS] [David Archuleta/David Cook; David Cook/Several Others] [PG]
Oh my gosh, this one's been a long time coming! The last chapter of this was written years ago, because rajkumari905 asked me to, so it seems fitting that this update is also in her honour!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRI, I HOPE THIS HAS ALL THE ANSWERS YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ♥ ♥ ♥
Additional thanks go out to missquiet for the date idea!
Merry Men
The Bachelor Recap: Episode Five
On this week's episode of ABC drives more of its core audience away with yet another sports date, I decide to liven up the never-enough-naked-manflesh episode with a game of my own. My favorite game! It's called 'how much alcohol can one drink and still write up a coherent recap?', and we're playing to the tune of a jug of sangria and two cans of cider. Because I, unlike certain network TV shows I am recapping, understand the joys of variety. I may, at this point, be two glasses in and the opening credits are only just starting to roll.
In today's sporting event, the bachelors take a shot at romance, but only one of them gets to prove they aren't horsing around. Meanwhile, I am running low on bad puns involving said sporting events.
We open on a somber Chris and AJ discussing how quiet the house is with Chikezie now gone. David H. and Jensen weigh in as they join them at the breakfast table. Jared and Archie are still asleep. Michael Johns chimes in with a touching eulogy: "I know people are sad about Chikezie, but I'm still stuck thinking about my amazing date with Dave." The Dreaded Duo are shaving each other in the bathroom, chest up, but I am beginning to think there is nothing left that they could do that would surprise me. Safe to say, some people are handling Chikezie's departure better than others.
Luckily for the men, there's nothing like a game of basketball to take the blues away. Said no one ever. But true or not, the bachelors (now all awake and presumably freshly shaved) are assembled in their backyard, where they are told that a member of the winning team will get that coveted one-on-one date.
Jared looks especially smug about this, which comes as a surprise to no one, considering he is six foot twenty, and Michael Johns looks especially determined. Archie is especially flaily ("Oh my gosh, we never do anything I'm good at!") but that sounds like exactly the kind of thing a secret highly-trained Russian spy assassin would say. I'm on to him.
Bachelor David shows up and everyone cheers, and then politely "aww" when he announces he's "just here to judge, guys, because if I play none of you are going to want to go out with me afterwards."
No one disagrees. It's encouraging to learn that true love may be blind, but it's not stupid.
By silent consensus, the men split into two teams: everyone vs Jared. Except before the game can begin, Archie feels bad and decides to join him. Next to Jared, Archie looks all of four feet nothing. Jensen correctly interprets Jared's expression for the audience as: 'dude, stop trying to help me.' I laugh-spit sangria at my TV.
David H. solidifies his place as my favorite bachelor contestant when he suggests the teams be skins vs shirts. I suspect Archie used his secret spy skills to predict this, which is the true reason he joined Jared's team. I am beginning to think he has a Prison Break style tattoo that must never see the light of day. Or that he's a vampire.
There is a long, delightful montage of the skins team taking off their shirts, complete with dreamy lighting and slow-motion takes of each bachelor overlayed with Nelly's 'Hot in Herre'. For a minute I think I am potentially having a heart attack, but it’s just Sheila freaking out. As soon as the game starts, Jensen and Jared start trash talking each other. Jensen likes making Jared cry, and Jared enjoys bringing the pain. Now that's a bedroom I'd like to get into.
It's a quick game - or at least it feels quick, but that might be because I'm distracted by all the naked manflesh. For the two of you reading this who care, I did note a couple of game highlights, you're welcome.
Chris does a series of fancy and completely unnecessary jumps and spins, and then falls over five feet before the net. He may have cracked a tooth. I just cracked up. The Dreaded Duo appear to be engaged in a rivalry of their own, even though they're on the same team. AJ takes a ball to the face, and Archie, for the first time, is so legitimately terrible that I start to think I might need a stronger drink. Whoever left basketball training out of the Russian spy skillset handbook should be ashamed of themselves.
Jared spends most of the game scoring goals on his own anyway, and loudly announcing his "mad skills" around the court. This is unnecessary, since the game only serves to emphasize that Jared is an eight foot giant who can reach the top of the basketball net on his tiptoes. Unsurprisingly, Sasquatch takes home the gold, no thanks to his more vertically challenged teammate, but barely anyone seems to notice.
David H. appears to be more invested in running past Bachelor David's referee chair than in the actual game, a strategy Michael Johns also seems to be employing. Bachelor David hasn't given David H's (beautiful) (perfect) (stunning) eight-pack even a glance, so I'd say Michael Johns is the real winner here.
I suddenly realize that there are a lot of Davids on this show, and also that I've gone more than three minutes without taking a sip of sangria. At least one of these problems is rectified when I chug the rest of my mostly full glass.
Chris Harrison announces Jared as the winner, but Jared has apparently scraped his arm during the game, and goes to get it disinfected. Jensen follows; David doesn’t. He hangs back to have a little chat with Michael Johns instead. None of the four people involved seem bothered by this. Jensen stays with Jared while he gets his arm looked at by the doctors on set, and pretends not to enjoy it
"This one is such a crybaby," he says to the camera as he points at Jared, whose shirt is soaked through. "That isn't sweat, it's tears."
"Manly tears," Jared objects.
I am confident the footage we get out of night cameras in their shared quarters would be a bestseller on Pornhub.
Minutes later, Jared is ready to rumble, and David and Michael Johns say their reluctant goodbyes. If the rest of the season is going to be puppy-dog eyes and pining faces I might have to upgrade my drink of choice to cyanide.
David and Jared rally when they get into their car, and spend the ride talking about David's love for his family and Jared's love for pretty much everything in the universe, including puppies, acting and English. Things are going well, until they get to their destination, where they find out they're going horseback riding.
This would normally be the point where my TV is turned off and the yelling starts. Foul language is not out of the question. But then the ranch hands unveil the two horses, and Jared is assigned to a pony. It is the shortest horse Jared (and I) has ever seen, and his expression this time needs no interpretation. He gets on the horse despite this, and his knees hit the ground.
I spill all my sangria when I fall off my sofa laughing. It seems clear that if David was sitting on a sofa, he would have fallen off too.
Meanwhile, at the house, the bachelors are putting on their own fashion show. It looks like it starts off as Michael C. putting on a private fashion show for his brother, but quickly expands to involve the rest of the house, except for a conspicuously absent Michael Johns. In case we hadn’t picked up on this ~dramatic moment~, Archie stops the show to ask, "Where's Michael Johns?"
Back at the ranch, Jared is still on his pony, kneeling his way across the ground. I am officially naming this date my favorite date of the season. David is on his own (regular-sized) horse, which means he is now approximately Jared's height. Jared is talking a mile a minute, but he seems to have a nice conversation going with David. Unfortunately, in his one-on-ones, David clearly has Michael Johns on the brain. He can't stop talking about him. Still, he likes that Jared is "so willing to laugh at himself and have a good time".
I block out the date while I try to sip the puddle of spilled sangria off my floor.
When I check back in, David is opening up about his brother's struggles with cancer. Jared thanks him for sharing his story, and David tells him, "you're really easy to talk to." He seems surprised that anyone outside of Michael Johns could be worth having a conversation with. Luckily, Jared's impressed him enough that they share a brief kiss that becomes less brief, and I am drunk enough to cheer at my TV just a little bit.
When they pull up to the house, the fashion show is still going, and Michael Johns has rejoined the fold. Chris and AJ are beatboxing and/or singing, and Archie and Jensen are doing harmonizing things that sound awesome. I have no snarky comment about this; it sounds legitimately awesome.
Unfortunately, Chris Harrison arrives to break up the party and tell the men to get ready for the champagne ceremony. While they’re primping, Michael Johns is cryptic about where he’s been (“Being awesome!”) and Archie’s suspicious face only strengthens my Russian spy theory.
When David shows up at the mansion later that evening, he spends two minutes mingling with the guys, and then asks if he can steal Michael Johns, who says, “I had a feeling you might want to see me tonight.” David is charmed by this; everyone else is not. I am guessing their drinks are tasting a lot like sour grapes.
Michael Johns takes David "somewhere a little more private." When David asks what he's planning to do, it sounds a lot like the addendum is "and why haven’t you done it yet?" Michael Johns' plan turns out to be a collection of signed guitar picks spread on a candlelit picnic mat, out of sight of the other bachelors. David is rapturous; I go back to licking my sangria off the floor.
The other bachelors are clearly getting impatient with Michael Johns’ disappearing act, and Archie is somehow roped into being the sacrificial lamb (aka the date interruptor). He refuses at first, but Chris convinces him by saying, "You’re the only one who's going to be polite about it, kid." With persuasion tactics like those, who needs enemies?
Unfortunately for Archie, when he finds David and Michael Johns, they are sucking face over the gifted guitar picks. Awkward central.
David apologizes a lot, and Archie waves it off a lot, but his face is singing a different song. Note to Archie: your Russian spy poker face needs a lot of work. ABC is clearly hoping for a more dramatic blowout, but Archie’s spy skills finally kick in, and he says nothing to the group when the three of them rejoin it.
We fast forward to the champagne ceremony, and David sends Chris home with very little deliberation or fanfare ("We just aren't looking for the same things.") Chris is understandably not upset, and wishes David all the best before he leaves. The car drives away, the music crescendos, the credits roll--
But wait, folks, there’s more!
In a voiceover, David tells us he just wants to check in with Michael one more time to thank him again for the gift. No one else seems to be around, and Michael's back is to the camera as he tells David, "Thank you for tonight, it was perfect. I'm so glad you're here now." He leans in, and there is the unmistakable sound of spit being swapped.
Except that's when David shows up, and we realize Michael is sucking face with someone else!
So what's the verdict, viewers? Who is Michael's mystery lover and does this spell the end of David’s romantic escapades? Are you as unimpressed by ABC’s attempts to throw us off Michael Johns’ stank as I am? How long will it take me to finish all the sangria I spilled? And, most importantly, what does Archie’s probable tattoo say?
Hit the comment section with your answers, and come back next week to find out if you’re right!
Oh my gosh, this one's been a long time coming! The last chapter of this was written years ago, because rajkumari905 asked me to, so it seems fitting that this update is also in her honour!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRI, I HOPE THIS HAS ALL THE ANSWERS YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ♥ ♥ ♥
Additional thanks go out to missquiet for the date idea!
Merry Men
The Bachelor Recap: Episode Five
On this week's episode of ABC drives more of its core audience away with yet another sports date, I decide to liven up the never-enough-naked-manflesh episode with a game of my own. My favorite game! It's called 'how much alcohol can one drink and still write up a coherent recap?', and we're playing to the tune of a jug of sangria and two cans of cider. Because I, unlike certain network TV shows I am recapping, understand the joys of variety. I may, at this point, be two glasses in and the opening credits are only just starting to roll.
In today's sporting event, the bachelors take a shot at romance, but only one of them gets to prove they aren't horsing around. Meanwhile, I am running low on bad puns involving said sporting events.
We open on a somber Chris and AJ discussing how quiet the house is with Chikezie now gone. David H. and Jensen weigh in as they join them at the breakfast table. Jared and Archie are still asleep. Michael Johns chimes in with a touching eulogy: "I know people are sad about Chikezie, but I'm still stuck thinking about my amazing date with Dave." The Dreaded Duo are shaving each other in the bathroom, chest up, but I am beginning to think there is nothing left that they could do that would surprise me. Safe to say, some people are handling Chikezie's departure better than others.
Luckily for the men, there's nothing like a game of basketball to take the blues away. Said no one ever. But true or not, the bachelors (now all awake and presumably freshly shaved) are assembled in their backyard, where they are told that a member of the winning team will get that coveted one-on-one date.
Jared looks especially smug about this, which comes as a surprise to no one, considering he is six foot twenty, and Michael Johns looks especially determined. Archie is especially flaily ("Oh my gosh, we never do anything I'm good at!") but that sounds like exactly the kind of thing a secret highly-trained Russian spy assassin would say. I'm on to him.
Bachelor David shows up and everyone cheers, and then politely "aww" when he announces he's "just here to judge, guys, because if I play none of you are going to want to go out with me afterwards."
No one disagrees. It's encouraging to learn that true love may be blind, but it's not stupid.
By silent consensus, the men split into two teams: everyone vs Jared. Except before the game can begin, Archie feels bad and decides to join him. Next to Jared, Archie looks all of four feet nothing. Jensen correctly interprets Jared's expression for the audience as: 'dude, stop trying to help me.' I laugh-spit sangria at my TV.
David H. solidifies his place as my favorite bachelor contestant when he suggests the teams be skins vs shirts. I suspect Archie used his secret spy skills to predict this, which is the true reason he joined Jared's team. I am beginning to think he has a Prison Break style tattoo that must never see the light of day. Or that he's a vampire.
There is a long, delightful montage of the skins team taking off their shirts, complete with dreamy lighting and slow-motion takes of each bachelor overlayed with Nelly's 'Hot in Herre'. For a minute I think I am potentially having a heart attack, but it’s just Sheila freaking out. As soon as the game starts, Jensen and Jared start trash talking each other. Jensen likes making Jared cry, and Jared enjoys bringing the pain. Now that's a bedroom I'd like to get into.
It's a quick game - or at least it feels quick, but that might be because I'm distracted by all the naked manflesh. For the two of you reading this who care, I did note a couple of game highlights, you're welcome.
Chris does a series of fancy and completely unnecessary jumps and spins, and then falls over five feet before the net. He may have cracked a tooth. I just cracked up. The Dreaded Duo appear to be engaged in a rivalry of their own, even though they're on the same team. AJ takes a ball to the face, and Archie, for the first time, is so legitimately terrible that I start to think I might need a stronger drink. Whoever left basketball training out of the Russian spy skillset handbook should be ashamed of themselves.
Jared spends most of the game scoring goals on his own anyway, and loudly announcing his "mad skills" around the court. This is unnecessary, since the game only serves to emphasize that Jared is an eight foot giant who can reach the top of the basketball net on his tiptoes. Unsurprisingly, Sasquatch takes home the gold, no thanks to his more vertically challenged teammate, but barely anyone seems to notice.
David H. appears to be more invested in running past Bachelor David's referee chair than in the actual game, a strategy Michael Johns also seems to be employing. Bachelor David hasn't given David H's (beautiful) (perfect) (stunning) eight-pack even a glance, so I'd say Michael Johns is the real winner here.
I suddenly realize that there are a lot of Davids on this show, and also that I've gone more than three minutes without taking a sip of sangria. At least one of these problems is rectified when I chug the rest of my mostly full glass.
Chris Harrison announces Jared as the winner, but Jared has apparently scraped his arm during the game, and goes to get it disinfected. Jensen follows; David doesn’t. He hangs back to have a little chat with Michael Johns instead. None of the four people involved seem bothered by this. Jensen stays with Jared while he gets his arm looked at by the doctors on set, and pretends not to enjoy it
"This one is such a crybaby," he says to the camera as he points at Jared, whose shirt is soaked through. "That isn't sweat, it's tears."
"Manly tears," Jared objects.
I am confident the footage we get out of night cameras in their shared quarters would be a bestseller on Pornhub.
Minutes later, Jared is ready to rumble, and David and Michael Johns say their reluctant goodbyes. If the rest of the season is going to be puppy-dog eyes and pining faces I might have to upgrade my drink of choice to cyanide.
David and Jared rally when they get into their car, and spend the ride talking about David's love for his family and Jared's love for pretty much everything in the universe, including puppies, acting and English. Things are going well, until they get to their destination, where they find out they're going horseback riding.
This would normally be the point where my TV is turned off and the yelling starts. Foul language is not out of the question. But then the ranch hands unveil the two horses, and Jared is assigned to a pony. It is the shortest horse Jared (and I) has ever seen, and his expression this time needs no interpretation. He gets on the horse despite this, and his knees hit the ground.
I spill all my sangria when I fall off my sofa laughing. It seems clear that if David was sitting on a sofa, he would have fallen off too.
Meanwhile, at the house, the bachelors are putting on their own fashion show. It looks like it starts off as Michael C. putting on a private fashion show for his brother, but quickly expands to involve the rest of the house, except for a conspicuously absent Michael Johns. In case we hadn’t picked up on this ~dramatic moment~, Archie stops the show to ask, "Where's Michael Johns?"
Back at the ranch, Jared is still on his pony, kneeling his way across the ground. I am officially naming this date my favorite date of the season. David is on his own (regular-sized) horse, which means he is now approximately Jared's height. Jared is talking a mile a minute, but he seems to have a nice conversation going with David. Unfortunately, in his one-on-ones, David clearly has Michael Johns on the brain. He can't stop talking about him. Still, he likes that Jared is "so willing to laugh at himself and have a good time".
I block out the date while I try to sip the puddle of spilled sangria off my floor.
When I check back in, David is opening up about his brother's struggles with cancer. Jared thanks him for sharing his story, and David tells him, "you're really easy to talk to." He seems surprised that anyone outside of Michael Johns could be worth having a conversation with. Luckily, Jared's impressed him enough that they share a brief kiss that becomes less brief, and I am drunk enough to cheer at my TV just a little bit.
When they pull up to the house, the fashion show is still going, and Michael Johns has rejoined the fold. Chris and AJ are beatboxing and/or singing, and Archie and Jensen are doing harmonizing things that sound awesome. I have no snarky comment about this; it sounds legitimately awesome.
Unfortunately, Chris Harrison arrives to break up the party and tell the men to get ready for the champagne ceremony. While they’re primping, Michael Johns is cryptic about where he’s been (“Being awesome!”) and Archie’s suspicious face only strengthens my Russian spy theory.
When David shows up at the mansion later that evening, he spends two minutes mingling with the guys, and then asks if he can steal Michael Johns, who says, “I had a feeling you might want to see me tonight.” David is charmed by this; everyone else is not. I am guessing their drinks are tasting a lot like sour grapes.
Michael Johns takes David "somewhere a little more private." When David asks what he's planning to do, it sounds a lot like the addendum is "and why haven’t you done it yet?" Michael Johns' plan turns out to be a collection of signed guitar picks spread on a candlelit picnic mat, out of sight of the other bachelors. David is rapturous; I go back to licking my sangria off the floor.
The other bachelors are clearly getting impatient with Michael Johns’ disappearing act, and Archie is somehow roped into being the sacrificial lamb (aka the date interruptor). He refuses at first, but Chris convinces him by saying, "You’re the only one who's going to be polite about it, kid." With persuasion tactics like those, who needs enemies?
Unfortunately for Archie, when he finds David and Michael Johns, they are sucking face over the gifted guitar picks. Awkward central.
David apologizes a lot, and Archie waves it off a lot, but his face is singing a different song. Note to Archie: your Russian spy poker face needs a lot of work. ABC is clearly hoping for a more dramatic blowout, but Archie’s spy skills finally kick in, and he says nothing to the group when the three of them rejoin it.
We fast forward to the champagne ceremony, and David sends Chris home with very little deliberation or fanfare ("We just aren't looking for the same things.") Chris is understandably not upset, and wishes David all the best before he leaves. The car drives away, the music crescendos, the credits roll--
But wait, folks, there’s more!
In a voiceover, David tells us he just wants to check in with Michael one more time to thank him again for the gift. No one else seems to be around, and Michael's back is to the camera as he tells David, "Thank you for tonight, it was perfect. I'm so glad you're here now." He leans in, and there is the unmistakable sound of spit being swapped.
Except that's when David shows up, and we realize Michael is sucking face with someone else!
So what's the verdict, viewers? Who is Michael's mystery lover and does this spell the end of David’s romantic escapades? Are you as unimpressed by ABC’s attempts to throw us off Michael Johns’ stank as I am? How long will it take me to finish all the sangria I spilled? And, most importantly, what does Archie’s probable tattoo say?
Hit the comment section with your answers, and come back next week to find out if you’re right!