Merry Men: Episode 2
[American Idol/BSB/N'sync/Supernatural RPS] [David Archuleta/David Cook; David Cook/Several Others] [PG]
Aaaaaaaaand I am back with more Bachelor fic, same style as before, because the response to it seemed pretty okay! And because this is apparently what my brain wants to do. The Champagne Ceremony is dedicated to jehane18, because she asked, and everything else to Musicboxgirl, for being the most fucking amazing friend and support group -- I hope this helps make your day a little brighter, bb. Also to hopefulgenius, because I love her and I want her to go to bed. ♥
Extra thanks also go out to alaszyel, faerie_vixen, mausi and kelseyfilip for their awesome date ideas! :D
Merry Men
The Bachelor Recap: Episode Two
In this episode of The Bachelor (otherwise known as Baywatch for Women), the 12 bachelors are pitted pain(t)fully against each other in the hopes of scoring some alone time with David Cook. Some of the guys (un)dress to impress--or to give it a valiant shot, at least--and someone gets sent home.
I have a Mojito standing by, just in case.
The season premiere is briefly recapped to reintroduce all the contestants, during which Kevin's brief reappearance diminishes his Creepy factor by, oh, zero, and I lose myself in the green of Jensen's eyes (this would be funnier if I were mocking him).
Then the show opens to the pale morning sky, with the sun barely peeking over the horizon, and the house almost completely still. There's a soothing, Enya-like dreaminess to it all. I begin to cheer at my TV set and hope that most of the bachelors sleep in the nude.
My cheers are mostly answered.
The men are jerked awake by the worst rendition of the morning wake-up call the network can muster, and AJ's flailing tumble out of bed receives a perfect 10 for execution. As does Lance's bedhead's impression of Cousin It.
Chris is the first to cackle his way into the toilet, easily beating (a half-naked) Jared to the punch. ("Try lining up for the bathroom with four younger sisters ahead of you, man, it ain't happening.") In the bathroom across the hall, Archie ambles to the nearest sink and sticks his head under the tap, because he's "totally not a morning person, oh my gosh."
The remaining contestants start crawling out of bed and making themselves presentable, and during the pandemonium, Justin gives us a quick, cursory tour of the house, making what is apparently supposed to be witty commentary--he should really leave that to me and concentrate on looking pretty. He makes a brief stop outside the room the Castro brothers share (I've started referring to them as the Dreaded Duo in private), and we stumble in on Jason combing Michael's hair. Yeeeeeeah. My brother would rather sell his G.I. Joe collection than touch a hairbrush--and it's a big collection.
I'm thinking ABC needs to get their ratings reviewed.
And then install night cameras in the bedrooms.
So the bachelors are herded off to a mystery location 20 minutes later, which turns out to be a paintball site. Various enthused versions of, "Awesome!" and "Cool!" are thrown out, and they're repeated when their paintball guru announces that the last man standing will get one-on-one time with David later in the day. Then it's off to find Chikezie "a fat suit" (or maybe he means 'phat', either way), and the game is under way.
Justin announces that he's going to take the prize, because he "wants that alone time so bad, dawg", and is promptly shot at by Chris. Jared's out next. Then Chikezie and his phat suit. Then Archie takes Jason, Michael C. and AJ out in all of two seconds, as he is apparently a child prodigy at weaponry. Lance and Jensen face off, but Lance draws the short stick. Michael Johns picks off David H. Archie catches Jensen right in the chest. Michael Johns hits Archie's shoulder. It's down to the final two. I yell at the TV set. Chris and Michael Johns lock eyes. The music swells.
Chris says, "Hey. You think we should just go for this thing together? Could be awkward."
It's like Potter vs. Diggory all over again (yawnfest), except this time the prize is less trophy, more Dumbledore's love. As Potter and Diggory celebrate, Krum (Justin) scowls darkly at the camera and Fleur (Archie) gets manly slaps on the back for her valiant efforts. My Mojito helps to make the Harry Potter analogy seem wittier than it probably is.
The winners are given a few hours to primp for their two-on-one date (Chris thinks this is a sign, but I am skeptical) while the rest of the boys are whisked off to meet David at the beach. David's late, so Jared challenges the others to a game of Water Frisbee. (Or maybe it's Water Polo. Mostly I don't care, since either sport leads to my weekly dosage of naked manflesh.) Lance sits this one out (to get a tan while he naps) and Archie mostly just sits out anything involving the water or getting naked.
This is apparently a winning strategy, because Archie gets to spend a couple of minutes alone with David when the Bachelor finally gets there. I may have had one Mojito too many because I start to find it adorable when David asks if Archie has a phobia of water, and Archie flails hysterically in response. They start talking about Archie's family (he's the second of five kids) and why he's doing the show (his friends signed him up because "they don't believe I'd ever get a date on my own, which I totally would, I mean, just because I'm a little shy or whatever--oh my gosh, stop laughing at me!") before David's roped into joining the Water Frisbee/polo game.
The teams have been split into the Js (Jason, Justin, Jensen and Jared) and the Others (Chikezie, David H., Michael C., and AJ). David ends up joining the Others to "even the scoreline", which I lose track of because I'm busy watching wet skin gleam in the sunlight.
Back at the house, Michael Johns and Chris are getting dressed, swapping jokes about their possible date location from their respective toilets. They think it could be a trip on a hot air balloon, or a dinner date at an exclusive club. Michael Johns hopes it's going to be something involving a hot tub. I wonder how they found enough time to watch all twelve hundred seasons of the Bachelor.
At the beach, the game quickly degenerates when Jared attacks Jensen for letting the winning goal through. AJ scores himself a moment alone with David when he rescues him from the resulting water fight, and David notes that he's "only deceptively scrawny". AJ agrees, but that might be because he doesn't have the biggest vocabulary.
Justin attempts to interrupt them, but the rest of the bachelors quickly join them, and David would clearly rather talk to Jensen about his siblings than to Justin about his spectacular non-win. Jared finds an opening in the conversation when Jensen starts talking about his home in Texas. My knees go weak when they bring out the Southern accent (although that could just be the alcohol), and I feel the sparks fly.
The Castro brothers briefly entertain David by talking him into making sand angels with them (seriously, okay, if you're their weed dealer and you're reading this, give me a call), and David H. earns himself another twenty thousand points in my book for buying David a drink with a little umbrella in it.
Chikezie joins them before David H. manages to get David drunk, but David only stays for a couple of minutes before he's whisked off to meet Chris and Michael Johns for bowling. Lance apparently has a sixth sense for perfect timing, and he finally wakes up from his catnap as David drives away. Cue insta-sulking, which Archie takes the brunt of, possibly because his default response to bitching of any kind is awkward gesturing. (One might argue, however, that this is his default response to anything.)
By the time David pulls up at the bowling alley, I am three and a half Mojitos down and rapidly losing interest. I note that I do not share the show's enthusiasm for sports dates.
David is a decent bowler, a trait Chris apparently does not share, and this allows Michael Johns to beat them by an embarrassingly large margin. (Side note: Chris is much easier on the eyes with beer goggles - or four Mojito goggles - on.) As they gear up for round two, Chris switches game plans and spends the next half hour cracking David up. Michael Johns quickly gets in the spirit of things and joins in. David ends up dropping his bowling ball no less than five times, while I spend precious time mopping up spilled alcohol. David deems his score for that round "unprintable". He thinks Michael Johns and Chris should consider a career on the road.
Then Chris asks how David feels about long distance relationships, and the trio decides to share their relationship philosophies over lunch. At the end of the meal, David admits to being pleasantly surprised by Chris' more serious side, and thinks he and Michael Johns have a good chemistry. He offers both of them glasses of champagne and asks them to stay.
It's not much of a head start, since the Champagne Ceremony takes place once lunch is over and the trio gets back to the house. Chris Harrison announces that it's time to send someone home, and that two of the bachelors have already been asked to stay. Chris and Michael Johns move straight to the safe zone, and Lance looks upset about it. (Obligatory Harry Potter analogy: Lance looks like Ron Weasley did when he saw Hermione with Krum.)
David hands out champagne glasses to AJ, Jared, Jason, David H., Jensen, Michael C. and Chikezie. That leaves Archie, Lance and Justin, but there's only one glass of champagne left on the table. I'm starting to think I've had more alcohol than I can handle.
Then David calls Archie up, and pulls out a rose from the inside of his jacket pocket. He says he knows Archie doesn't drink, but he'd really like it if he stayed. Archie reverts to default response mode, which makes David laugh. He adds that he also thinks Archie would be able to score a date without any help, and Archie blushes and says, "Oh my gosh, but - but not with you!" which cracks the Bachelor up even more.
(At this point I've clearly had too much to drink, because I catch myself giving them a mental "awww".)
Justin and Lance are left, and David cuts to the chase and offers Lance the champagne glass without too much suspense. Justin refuses David a hug and scowls darkly as he leaves. The other bachelors raise their glasses (sans Archie). Outside, Justin declines giving an interview as he storms away, and I'm starting to think Kevin the Unibrow Killer wasn't the only psycho in the mix.
Lastly, I am apparently more intolerant of David's tendency towards PC-ness when I am drunk, because the last thing I jotted down in my notes is: "David thinks that him and Justin just weren't on the same page, blah blah blah."
What do you think? Should David be given lessons on how to be a bitch? Was the right guy sent home? And, most importantly, whose naked manflesh would you like to see more of?
Leave your comments below, and remember to tune in next week.
Aaaaaaaaand I am back with more Bachelor fic, same style as before, because the response to it seemed pretty okay! And because this is apparently what my brain wants to do. The Champagne Ceremony is dedicated to jehane18, because she asked, and everything else to Musicboxgirl, for being the most fucking amazing friend and support group -- I hope this helps make your day a little brighter, bb. Also to hopefulgenius, because I love her and I want her to go to bed. ♥
Extra thanks also go out to alaszyel, faerie_vixen, mausi and kelseyfilip for their awesome date ideas! :D
Merry Men
The Bachelor Recap: Episode Two
In this episode of The Bachelor (otherwise known as Baywatch for Women), the 12 bachelors are pitted pain(t)fully against each other in the hopes of scoring some alone time with David Cook. Some of the guys (un)dress to impress--or to give it a valiant shot, at least--and someone gets sent home.
I have a Mojito standing by, just in case.
The season premiere is briefly recapped to reintroduce all the contestants, during which Kevin's brief reappearance diminishes his Creepy factor by, oh, zero, and I lose myself in the green of Jensen's eyes (this would be funnier if I were mocking him).
Then the show opens to the pale morning sky, with the sun barely peeking over the horizon, and the house almost completely still. There's a soothing, Enya-like dreaminess to it all. I begin to cheer at my TV set and hope that most of the bachelors sleep in the nude.
My cheers are mostly answered.
The men are jerked awake by the worst rendition of the morning wake-up call the network can muster, and AJ's flailing tumble out of bed receives a perfect 10 for execution. As does Lance's bedhead's impression of Cousin It.
Chris is the first to cackle his way into the toilet, easily beating (a half-naked) Jared to the punch. ("Try lining up for the bathroom with four younger sisters ahead of you, man, it ain't happening.") In the bathroom across the hall, Archie ambles to the nearest sink and sticks his head under the tap, because he's "totally not a morning person, oh my gosh."
The remaining contestants start crawling out of bed and making themselves presentable, and during the pandemonium, Justin gives us a quick, cursory tour of the house, making what is apparently supposed to be witty commentary--he should really leave that to me and concentrate on looking pretty. He makes a brief stop outside the room the Castro brothers share (I've started referring to them as the Dreaded Duo in private), and we stumble in on Jason combing Michael's hair. Yeeeeeeah. My brother would rather sell his G.I. Joe collection than touch a hairbrush--and it's a big collection.
I'm thinking ABC needs to get their ratings reviewed.
And then install night cameras in the bedrooms.
So the bachelors are herded off to a mystery location 20 minutes later, which turns out to be a paintball site. Various enthused versions of, "Awesome!" and "Cool!" are thrown out, and they're repeated when their paintball guru announces that the last man standing will get one-on-one time with David later in the day. Then it's off to find Chikezie "a fat suit" (or maybe he means 'phat', either way), and the game is under way.
Justin announces that he's going to take the prize, because he "wants that alone time so bad, dawg", and is promptly shot at by Chris. Jared's out next. Then Chikezie and his phat suit. Then Archie takes Jason, Michael C. and AJ out in all of two seconds, as he is apparently a child prodigy at weaponry. Lance and Jensen face off, but Lance draws the short stick. Michael Johns picks off David H. Archie catches Jensen right in the chest. Michael Johns hits Archie's shoulder. It's down to the final two. I yell at the TV set. Chris and Michael Johns lock eyes. The music swells.
Chris says, "Hey. You think we should just go for this thing together? Could be awkward."
It's like Potter vs. Diggory all over again (yawnfest), except this time the prize is less trophy, more Dumbledore's love. As Potter and Diggory celebrate, Krum (Justin) scowls darkly at the camera and Fleur (Archie) gets manly slaps on the back for her valiant efforts. My Mojito helps to make the Harry Potter analogy seem wittier than it probably is.
The winners are given a few hours to primp for their two-on-one date (Chris thinks this is a sign, but I am skeptical) while the rest of the boys are whisked off to meet David at the beach. David's late, so Jared challenges the others to a game of Water Frisbee. (Or maybe it's Water Polo. Mostly I don't care, since either sport leads to my weekly dosage of naked manflesh.) Lance sits this one out (to get a tan while he naps) and Archie mostly just sits out anything involving the water or getting naked.
This is apparently a winning strategy, because Archie gets to spend a couple of minutes alone with David when the Bachelor finally gets there. I may have had one Mojito too many because I start to find it adorable when David asks if Archie has a phobia of water, and Archie flails hysterically in response. They start talking about Archie's family (he's the second of five kids) and why he's doing the show (his friends signed him up because "they don't believe I'd ever get a date on my own, which I totally would, I mean, just because I'm a little shy or whatever--oh my gosh, stop laughing at me!") before David's roped into joining the Water Frisbee/polo game.
The teams have been split into the Js (Jason, Justin, Jensen and Jared) and the Others (Chikezie, David H., Michael C., and AJ). David ends up joining the Others to "even the scoreline", which I lose track of because I'm busy watching wet skin gleam in the sunlight.
Back at the house, Michael Johns and Chris are getting dressed, swapping jokes about their possible date location from their respective toilets. They think it could be a trip on a hot air balloon, or a dinner date at an exclusive club. Michael Johns hopes it's going to be something involving a hot tub. I wonder how they found enough time to watch all twelve hundred seasons of the Bachelor.
At the beach, the game quickly degenerates when Jared attacks Jensen for letting the winning goal through. AJ scores himself a moment alone with David when he rescues him from the resulting water fight, and David notes that he's "only deceptively scrawny". AJ agrees, but that might be because he doesn't have the biggest vocabulary.
Justin attempts to interrupt them, but the rest of the bachelors quickly join them, and David would clearly rather talk to Jensen about his siblings than to Justin about his spectacular non-win. Jared finds an opening in the conversation when Jensen starts talking about his home in Texas. My knees go weak when they bring out the Southern accent (although that could just be the alcohol), and I feel the sparks fly.
The Castro brothers briefly entertain David by talking him into making sand angels with them (seriously, okay, if you're their weed dealer and you're reading this, give me a call), and David H. earns himself another twenty thousand points in my book for buying David a drink with a little umbrella in it.
Chikezie joins them before David H. manages to get David drunk, but David only stays for a couple of minutes before he's whisked off to meet Chris and Michael Johns for bowling. Lance apparently has a sixth sense for perfect timing, and he finally wakes up from his catnap as David drives away. Cue insta-sulking, which Archie takes the brunt of, possibly because his default response to bitching of any kind is awkward gesturing. (One might argue, however, that this is his default response to anything.)
By the time David pulls up at the bowling alley, I am three and a half Mojitos down and rapidly losing interest. I note that I do not share the show's enthusiasm for sports dates.
David is a decent bowler, a trait Chris apparently does not share, and this allows Michael Johns to beat them by an embarrassingly large margin. (Side note: Chris is much easier on the eyes with beer goggles - or four Mojito goggles - on.) As they gear up for round two, Chris switches game plans and spends the next half hour cracking David up. Michael Johns quickly gets in the spirit of things and joins in. David ends up dropping his bowling ball no less than five times, while I spend precious time mopping up spilled alcohol. David deems his score for that round "unprintable". He thinks Michael Johns and Chris should consider a career on the road.
Then Chris asks how David feels about long distance relationships, and the trio decides to share their relationship philosophies over lunch. At the end of the meal, David admits to being pleasantly surprised by Chris' more serious side, and thinks he and Michael Johns have a good chemistry. He offers both of them glasses of champagne and asks them to stay.
It's not much of a head start, since the Champagne Ceremony takes place once lunch is over and the trio gets back to the house. Chris Harrison announces that it's time to send someone home, and that two of the bachelors have already been asked to stay. Chris and Michael Johns move straight to the safe zone, and Lance looks upset about it. (Obligatory Harry Potter analogy: Lance looks like Ron Weasley did when he saw Hermione with Krum.)
David hands out champagne glasses to AJ, Jared, Jason, David H., Jensen, Michael C. and Chikezie. That leaves Archie, Lance and Justin, but there's only one glass of champagne left on the table. I'm starting to think I've had more alcohol than I can handle.
Then David calls Archie up, and pulls out a rose from the inside of his jacket pocket. He says he knows Archie doesn't drink, but he'd really like it if he stayed. Archie reverts to default response mode, which makes David laugh. He adds that he also thinks Archie would be able to score a date without any help, and Archie blushes and says, "Oh my gosh, but - but not with you!" which cracks the Bachelor up even more.
(At this point I've clearly had too much to drink, because I catch myself giving them a mental "awww".)
Justin and Lance are left, and David cuts to the chase and offers Lance the champagne glass without too much suspense. Justin refuses David a hug and scowls darkly as he leaves. The other bachelors raise their glasses (sans Archie). Outside, Justin declines giving an interview as he storms away, and I'm starting to think Kevin the Unibrow Killer wasn't the only psycho in the mix.
Lastly, I am apparently more intolerant of David's tendency towards PC-ness when I am drunk, because the last thing I jotted down in my notes is: "David thinks that him and Justin just weren't on the same page, blah blah blah."
What do you think? Should David be given lessons on how to be a bitch? Was the right guy sent home? And, most importantly, whose naked manflesh would you like to see more of?
Leave your comments below, and remember to tune in next week.