The Tan Poh Yee Story
[Gen] [Original] [Tan Poh Yee, Natalie, Ubrina, Jessica, Joyce, Stephanie] [NC-17 for language]
The Tan Poh Yee Story
Author’s note: I apologize for the vulgarities in this story but Tan Poh Yee fucking pissed me off that day. Also, this story contains disturbing issues, so for those with weak hearts, or have something against transsexuals, please avoid reading further. As for those with vivid imaginations, it is advised that this story is better left untouched to save yourself from the horrible nightmares that might plague you later on. Thank you. Also, some people were left out of this story. It’s not that I didn’t think of you, I just don’t wanna get you into trouble. But since the rest of us are all obviously dead if the stories are found, it doesn’t matter either way.
The stuff in '//' are memories.
Vincent sighed and made a face as his girlfriend-of-the-night left him. Okay, fine, so she was a whore and she was SUPPOSED to leave after giving him a quick fuck. But still.
He watched as she took twice the usual amount out of his wallet. Luckily, these cheap sluts only charge a few dollars for their services, Vincent thought wearily. I only have about twenty dollars left and she’s just taken AT LEAST fifteen dollars away.
Vincent shook his head. He was such a failure. A fucking failure. Why? Because he couldn’t even do a fucking thing right. He had been fired AT LEAST seven times that year alone, had never been dumped - since he had never even had a fucking real girlfriend in his miserable LIFE - and he had even tried to fucking OFF himself and dammit, even THAT hadn’t worked.
Man, his life was so fucked up.
Vincent closed his eyes tightly, unsuccessfully trying to erase the pain that was his heart.
//"Jessica, my darling Jessica, will you be my Valentine?"
Jessica raised a skeptic eyebrow at the man who was down on one knee, looking up at her with love-struck, starry eyes. "Are you talking to me?" she asked finally, when the silence stretched too long.
Vincent smiled up at her and hoped his sincerity was shining through his eyes. "Is there any other Jessica who’s as charming, alluring, gorgeous, smart and lovely as you, my Princess?"
Jessica gave him another look and said, "I ROLL my eyes. WHO’S your princess? I’M not!" Then she looked at him weirdly, "Wait, I got the question mark question mark come out of my head... you think I’M pretty?"
"Yes, oh YES! You’re my sun and my moon, my entire universe. You, my sweet, are the apple of my eye. Without you, I am but a withered rose. But when you walk past, I am in full bloom. YOU are the light of my life and I want to be as close to you as the shit in your anus."
Jessica could only stare and blink in utter confusion.
"If you were a pig, I would be the sweet, precious mud that you trampled on. If you were an animal, I would be the fur on your skin. If you were a fish, I would be your scales! If you...if you...."
Jessica’s shoulders were hunched when Vincent looked up, his voice trailing off. He smiled excitedly and took a step towards her, saying softly, "Don’t cry, my dearest. For it hurts me more than it hurts you when those crystals fall from your eyes."
"CRYING!?" Jessica’s voice was muffled as she buried her head in her hands before letting out a loud peal of laughter that pierced Vincent’s ears and heart. "CRYING?!"
Vincent took an uncertain step backwards as Jessica lifted her head. In her eyes, he saw only mirth and laughter, but no tears. "The SHIT in my ANUS? God, that is SUCH a stupid line!"
Vincent looked at Jessica in shock, feeling his bottom lip tremble. "And WHO’S your popo DEAREST? I laugh until my popo blood come out."
Ubrina, Jessica’s close friend, looked up at Jessica’s words, saw the laughing girl, shook her head, sighed and went back to her board game.
Vincent’s eyes, if possible, grew wider till they were practically bulging out of his sockets. Jessica simply rolled her eyes and turned back to her homework. "But.... but Jessica..."
Jessica’s head shot up at the unwelcome disturbance. "WHAT, dammit?!" Vincent tried to stop his tears but to no avail.
Jessica stared at him and rolled her eyes again, before calling to Ubrina, "Look, got the gila gila hyena!"
Ubrina glanced over and rolled her eyes before going back to her stuff. "SEE? You aren’t even worth the time of day!" Jessica sighed, wishing he would just get the OBVIOUS signals she was sending him and GO AWAY.
'But honey, you haven’t even heard me out yet! There’s so much more I need to say! I’m attracted to you like bees to a honey-tree, no, too cliché.. like a penguin in the mating season, like urine to a toilet bowl!"
Jessica burst out laughing and Vincent had to cover his ears from the impact. He took another step toward her and Jessica kicked out, rolling her eyes when Vincent fell to his knees, his hands covering his injured...ahem... groin. He groaned in pain and Jessica couldn’t stop her malicious grin.
"Steph!" she yelled. "Stephanie Goh!" her best friend sauntered over to Jessica and rose an eyebrow questioningly when she saw Vincent’s crumpled form. Her eyes then traveled to his hands and when she saw what he was painfully gripping, she shook her head and sighed, "Jess, I know you get your urges, but THIS is ridiculous!"
Jessica’s laughter choked on Steph’s words. "Oh, gross! HIM!? Please, come on! You KNOW I have better taste than that! And anyway… Sam would be heartbroken.”
Ubrina chuckled and looked up at Jessica, her eyes twinkling with laughter. “I KNEW there was something going on with Sam and you!"
“Busted!” Jessica laughed, looking at Steph.
Stephanie grinned, before a puzzled look crossed her face. “But if you didn’t fool around, then this guy…?”
“Let’s just say he’s another unfortunate case.”
Steph’s face twisted into an amused smile. “Ooh… another guy fell for the charm, eh? And this one tried messing with Jess too, huh?”
Ubrina sighed, “So what else is new?”
“True, true,” Steph mused. She bent down and offered Vincent a pathetic, pitiful smile. “You do realize that Jess is, um, well-known for, uh, making men unable to… father children?”
Vincent’s eyes widened as he grasped the meaning behind Steph’s words. The pain in his “ahem*groin*ahem” almost succeeded in numbing his shock. Almost. He moaned as he watched the three laughing girls leave the room.//
The heartache of being rejected grew each day. Then, of course, there was that little problem about his… fathering abilities.
Boy, did Vincent regret messing with Jessica.
Another big worry was the fact that he was bisexual.
Hmm… an ugly, rejected, unaccepted, socially and morally challenged bisexual failure. Who couldn’t father. What a perfect guy. What a perfectly FUCKED UP guy, anyway.
So that was the day Vincent decided that he had had enough of his torture. He was going to become… a girl. They didn’t have much to worry about, after all. It would be easy as cake. He had always been told that he’d been born with girly features after all.
That was the solution to ALL his problems. God, it would be so easy. To escape from everything, just…. everything. Obviously, there was a ‘but’ in that sentence.
He didn’t have the money.
Oh, please, WHO would give a guy with FIVE fucking dollars a complete makeover? It was surgery, for crying out loud! It could take up to millions to pay for a job like that. Dammit.
His feet suddenly stopped moving and automatically, Vincent turned to see where he was. 3474 Werikel Road. The ‘gangster lane’. There were loan sharks, murderers and all kinds of underworld people there. Vincent had no idea how he had gotten there.
“Hey, you look like you could use some help.”
Vincent debated whether or not to answer. If he was bashed up… well, the guy was at LEAST 40 pounds heavier than himself. “Uh… actually, I could. Use some help, that is.” He said in a rush.
“I thought so.” The man smiled and pushed Vincent up into the building, where their negotiation plans went on long into the night.
“This is fucking ridiculous…” Vincent kept repeating the same line over and over again. “It’s insane. I can’t be really looking like THIS.”
But he was.
“Urgh.” Vincent cringed at his reflection before smiling a toothy grin and patting his hair. Actually, now that he looked at it from THIS angle…he didn’t look half bad. In fact…
“I can’t believe it!” Vincent breathed, reaching out to touch his reflection. “I’m fucking BEAUTIFUL!”
Now that THAT was settled, all he needed to do was find a job. Now THAT was going to be the simple part.
He had gotten the job! “Oh god, I got the job! I don’t believe this! Oh Poh Yolk, I love you so FUCKING much! Just stay blind longer! The longer you stay blind, the longer I can be your relief!”
Vincent, now known as Tan Poh Yee, sank down into the chair in a state of delirious euphoria. “I love this!”
A loud banging on the door sent Poh Yee to her feet. ‘I might as well start thinking of myself as a girl,’ she thought, ‘If I’m going to have to be one for the rest of my life.’
She answered the door, a lazy expression on her bitchy face. “What? Oh!”
The figure at the door raised an eyebrow. “You, uh, didn’t have enough cash to go to a professional, I see.”
Poh Yee was confused, but didn’t question. “Um, about the money… I don’t have it right now.”
The next thing she knew, everything around her was flying past her eyes at an amazing speed. She could hear the man muttering something like, ‘bloody fucking bitch,’ before her face crashed into the cold, hard wall and the world as she knew it went black.
“Poh Yee! Oh god, your face!”
“Tell me something I don’t already fucking know,” Poh Yee muttered as she got ready to face her new job with her disfigured face.
“Dammit, must’ve taken a wrong turn,” Poh Yee muttered to herself as she tried to find Toa Payoh and turned her rented car back in a u-turn. After all, she had thought triumphantly that morning, Nothing counts more than the first impression.
“Right, and now they’re gonna throw a big party for me. What’s the use of a fucking CAR if I’m late?”
She finally found her way to the principal’s office after an unbelievably long two hours. For goodness’ sakes, she was going to CHIJ (Toa Payoh) and she was already IN Toa Payoh. How much more retarded could she get? What the hell. At least she had reached the damned place.
“Good morning, Miss Tan.”
“Huh? Oh… um, good morning, Miss. Tan.”
“Do you mind going to class 2/5 now? We need a relief teacher, urgently.” Miss Tan said with an apologetic smile.
Poh Yee headed towards the class she THOUGHT was 2/5. She was so immensely relieved that Miss Tan still let her keep her job.
‘Unexpectedly’, Poh Yee took a LONG time to reach 2/5. She walked past it three times without even realizing it was 2/5. That was how fucking STUPID she was.
When she finally found 2/5 he walked in contentedly and gave them a weak smile. The class seemed to be overjoyed to see a teacher in their class, all of them were trying desperately to muffle their laughter.
“Good morning, girls.”
As the class started to stand up to greet her, her eyes laid upon the most unexpected person. Jessica. She was there, just at the back of the class, and she looked just like before. No change, not at all.
“Jessica,” Poh Yee muttered under her breath.
Jessica looked up to have a closer look at the teacher in front of her, very reluctantly, though. A look of disgust filled her face for a moment.
“Steph, is that THING a guy or a girl?”
“Oh my goodness, I think it’s a girl.”
“Looks more like a guy to me.” Ubrina cut in.
"Whatever…I think he/she is a transvestite,” Steph said with a tone of finality.
Poh Yee was in a daze for the rest of the day, her mind running over Jessica’s familiar features again and again. She recognized the other two girls too… Stephanie - the one who had informed her about her DISability, and Ubrina, the one who hadn’t given a fuck about her.
There were three new girls hanging around Jessica as well. They were all noisy and pissed the fuck out of her. Poh Yee didn’t know their names… but she would find out in due time. Although… the girl with the dark complexion was pretty, strikingly so. Poh Yee sighed and rested her head in her hands. “Fuck this.”
“Jess!” Natalie whispered, nudging her friend. “I think that new teacher’s looking at you again!”
“What? Me? And what do you mean, AGAIN?”
“She’s been looking at you the WHOLE morning!” Joyce cut in, and Ubrina nodded in confirmation. “Like she’s known you for a long time or something. It’s so gross!”
“But she’s eyeing YOU too!” Natalie laughed, as she poked Joyce in the side.
Ubrina chuckled as they began teasing Joyce, and the tanned girl curled up her mouth in disgust. “Yuck! Me!? NO way!”
Jessica and Joyce turned to each other, each with an identical look of repulse on their faces. “This is so sick!”
Stephanie turned around in her seat and faced the two giggling and two disgusted girls sitting behind her. “Would you shut up? She’s staring at you like she’s annoyed!”
“Who gives a fuck?”
Stephanie sighed, shook her head and turned back to face the front, inwardly laughing at the four girls’ conversation.
Poh Yee narrowed her eyes as she realized that none of the girls really cared if she was pissed or not. Well, they could jolly well chuck those attitudes, because like fuck she was going to take it lying down. The girls laughed again and Poh Yee cracked. She stared at them and sent Jessica and Stephanie out of class.
“You are really making too much noise! Spare a thought for other people, won’t you? Even if you don’t want to listen, others do!”
“Right, as if,” someone muttered. But Poh Yee ignored her.
Jessica raised an eyebrow, “But you weren’t teaching,” she retorted, her tone polite and yet challenging at the same time. “You were talking to that girl so-“
“You should still learn to respect other people.”
Stephanie rolled her eyes and pulled Jessica out of class. “C’mon,” she muttered, under her breath. “That woman’s a bitch who doesn’t listen to reason.”
Poh Yee had figured out long ago that Jessica would never be hers. She wasn’t going to let herself get hurt again. Besides, she had a much better target this time. She smiled at the three remaining fuming girls before talking again.
Ubrina looked at Natalie and Joyce, anger burning in her eyes. “What the fuck? She should have at least sent us all out together. Fuck this.”
“I know,” Joyce whispered back. “But she’s fucking-“
“Biased.”
“Yeah.”
“And there’s nothing we can fucking do about it.”
So the three turned back to the blackboard and pretended to listen as Poh Yee droned on and on and on and on. Later, when Poh Yee announced that there would be spelling on Wednesday, Ubrina grinned impishly and yelled to the two girls outside, “Hey, Steph! The witch says that there’s spelling on Wednesday.”
The class erupted into a fit of giggles but Poh Yee didn’t understand what Ubrina had just said. Ignoring it, she continued with her teaching.
“Fuck, that was a long day.”
“Tell me about it.”
“That woman’s a fucking bitch.”
“Yes, she is.”
“Ubrina made up a song about her.”
“Yeah. And so did Lareina.”
Explosive, unstoppable laughter.
“Oh. My. God. That was funny. It-“
“Joy ah! Joyce!” Poh Yee’s irritating voice cut through the conversation and five irate girls turned at the voice.
Joyce plastered the sweetest smile she could muster onto her face and turned to face Poh Yee. “Yes?”
“Who is this girl?” Poh Yee batted her eyelashes flirtatiously and put her hand on Joyce’s arm, not noticing the shudder that went down Joyce’s spine. “I cannot read it. Who’s register number 12?”
Joyce thought for a minute before smiling and pointing out the girl, with restrained politeness, to Poh Yee. Smiling again and patting Joyce on the shoulder, Poh Yee ran to the other girl. Joyce stood for a second, a disgusted look creeping onto her face, as her friends burst into laughter. “Oh my god. Joyce, she loves you.”
“Poor thing, you better go home and bathe.”
“See? She’s biased. She only likes Joyce, the PREFECT.”
The girls sang the word ‘prefect’ and Joyce rolled her eyes, knocking all of them over the head. She dusted her arm and shuddered again. “Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. And I am NOT a prefect.”
“Yes, but that bitch won’t get that past her thick skull.” Jessica laughed, “She keeps insisting that you help the class prefects with everything, you *guai kia.”
“I am NOT a guai kia!”
They laughed and tugged on Joyce’s arm, proceeding to walk to the canteen for their recess.
“She’s a bloody fucking bitch.”
“I know.”
“Can we kill her?”
“Tempting thought.”
“Fuck, this sucks.”
“You’re not the only one.”
The class sighed, feeling utterly bored. Then someone gave a soft yelp of surprise. “Look, there’s a blob of liquid paper on her skirt!”
The girls turned and stared at the white liquid staining Poh Yee’s black skirt. It stood out like a sore thumb and they all tried desperately to contain their giggles. Poh Yee felt the girls’ eyes on her, but took it as a compliment. Her new skirt WAS pretty attractive.
And she continued to torment the girls with her stained skirt and obliviousness. Stupid Poh Yee.
“Fuck her.”
“She ain’t even worth it.”
“Fuck you.”
“Relax. Why are you so pissed?”
“Why does she have to fucking teach us?”
“Because we need a relief.”
“Why our fucking class?”
“Because we have a teacher who contracted eye cataract and needed the operation.”
“Fuck that.”
“Yep.”
“Is she EVER gonna fucking leave?”
“Yeah. In, say, a month.”
“Fuck this.”
It was torture. Walking into the classroom, looking at Poh Yee, listening to Poh Yee, every minute of it was pure TORTURE. Why God? Why torture us like this? Why? Joyce wondered as she dropped her chin onto her hand, wishing to hell that the lesson was over.
“She’s staring at you again, Joyce,” Jessica whispered, and Joyce snapped to attention, frowning as Poh Yee gave her a sickeningly sweet smile. She forced a smile back and ignored it as Natalie and Ubrina began to snicker. WHY GOD?
“Joy ah! Joyce!” Ubrina teased, and Joyce rolled her eyes in frustration. Around her, her four friends were chanting, “Joy ah! Joyce!” and she couldn’t help feeling that they would be so sorry if she had a roll of duct tape in her hands. She clapped her hands over her ears and walked away from them, rolling her eyes again when they followed her.
“Can you help me with this, Joyce?” Natalie giggled, resting her hand on Joyce’s right arm.
“You’re sooo guai,” Jessica drawled, her hand on Joyce’s back. “You must look after Jesssiicar and Steph-funny. Okay?”
“Joy ah! Who is this girl ah?” Stephanie patted Joyce’s shoulder, grinning.
“You are a prefect, aren’t you?” Ubrina taunted. “Help the class prefects to keep the class quiet, okai?”
“AHHHHHH!” Joyce screamed, marching off, leaving the other four girls in a fit of helpless laughter.
“Fuck off.” Poh Yee muttered as Miss Tan passed her table.
“Sorry, what was that again?”
“Nothing. Nothing.”
“How do you like your job so far, Poh Yee?”
Like fucking hell. Poh Yee wanted to scream. The girls are uncooperative, they make me want to tear my hair out! Instead she said, “They’re fine.”
“I’ve heard 2/5 is a very good class.”
You are fucking pushing it, Poh Yee yelled mentally. “Yes, they are.”
I’m glad.” Miss Tan smiled again and walked away.
Poh Yee let out the rush of breath she hadn’t even realized she had been holding. “My god, I want to strangle those bitches.”
I don’t fucking believe this! Poh Yee screamed to herself. She stared, gaping at Jessica. “Your Chinese is very good.” She resisted the urge to punch the girl when Jessica smirked, her expression saying, No thanks to you.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes it is. You’re a very bright girl.”
“Thank you.” Jessica took her report card and went back to her seat.
Stephanie came up and Poh Yee again shook her head in amazement. “You’re a very good student.” FUCK you! she screamed inside.
“Thank you.”
Natalie’s results were less pleasing but her Chinese… Poh Yee glared at the girl and Natalie smiled patronizingly. Poh Yee felt as though she could read Natalie’s mind and the girl was thinking - Don’t even THINK it has ANYTHING to do with YOU. And HA! **I am a good student in Chinese, so THERE. What can you do to me?
“Good work. Buck up on your Art. You can go to the library for information.”
Natalie gave her a get-real look, took the card and went back to her seat.
Poh Yee laughed inwardly when Ubrina got up. But her laughter soon turned into displeasure when Ubrina visibly shied away from her touch and moved away from her at every chance. Poh Yee tried to put her hand on Ubrina’s shoulder, but the girl moved away quickly, grimacing like she was saying, Yuck man, don’t touch me! You’ve got a disease!
Thank god Ubrina went back to her seat quickly enough.
Joyce. Joyce was good. She liked Joyce. A lot. Joyce made the whole month bearable. Joyce the good girl. She liked Joyce.
She hoped Joyce liked her.
“I fucking HATE Tan Poh Yee!”
"We know, Joyce.”
The days after that were slow and dragging but Poh Yee lived through it. Her affection for Joyce grew, but the girl seemed reluctant to even talk to her anymore. Fine, if you can give the silent treatment, so can I. Poh Yee thought, ignoring Joyce studiously from then on.
She never heard the girl’s sigh of relief.
The days crawled by, but finally, the last day of Poh Yee’s career as a relief to 2/5 ended and she went to class, a bounce in her step.
“It’s been a pleasure teaching you,” she smiled pleasantly and waved to her class as she took off. “Thank god,” she murmured, as she ran down the hallways. “Thank god, thank god, thank god.”
The class erupted into a mountain of silent cheers. They smiled, congratulating each other on surviving the unbearably long month. One month. They couldn’t believe it had only been that long. It seemed like an eternity to them.
Stephanie nudged Joyce playfully in the side, “No one to admire our pretty Joyce now.”
“Shut up.”
“Thank goodness that bitch is finally gone.”
No one could argue with that statement.
Now they just had to find ways to put up with Poh Yoke and her intolerable long-windedness. No problem, they would surely come up with more ways to make her miserable in no time at all.
But for now… there would be peace.
At least for a little while.
-fin-
Author’s Note: I was getting kinda impatient with the story so I decided to end it like this. I think it’s kinda obvious towards the end. Sorry. Hope y’all had a good laugh out of it anyway.
*Guai kia, (for the non-Singaporeans), means a very good kid.
**And god, I am soooo ego. No offence to anyone, though.
The Tan Poh Yee Story
Author’s note: I apologize for the vulgarities in this story but Tan Poh Yee fucking pissed me off that day. Also, this story contains disturbing issues, so for those with weak hearts, or have something against transsexuals, please avoid reading further. As for those with vivid imaginations, it is advised that this story is better left untouched to save yourself from the horrible nightmares that might plague you later on. Thank you. Also, some people were left out of this story. It’s not that I didn’t think of you, I just don’t wanna get you into trouble. But since the rest of us are all obviously dead if the stories are found, it doesn’t matter either way.
The stuff in '//' are memories.
Vincent sighed and made a face as his girlfriend-of-the-night left him. Okay, fine, so she was a whore and she was SUPPOSED to leave after giving him a quick fuck. But still.
He watched as she took twice the usual amount out of his wallet. Luckily, these cheap sluts only charge a few dollars for their services, Vincent thought wearily. I only have about twenty dollars left and she’s just taken AT LEAST fifteen dollars away.
Vincent shook his head. He was such a failure. A fucking failure. Why? Because he couldn’t even do a fucking thing right. He had been fired AT LEAST seven times that year alone, had never been dumped - since he had never even had a fucking real girlfriend in his miserable LIFE - and he had even tried to fucking OFF himself and dammit, even THAT hadn’t worked.
Man, his life was so fucked up.
Vincent closed his eyes tightly, unsuccessfully trying to erase the pain that was his heart.
//"Jessica, my darling Jessica, will you be my Valentine?"
Jessica raised a skeptic eyebrow at the man who was down on one knee, looking up at her with love-struck, starry eyes. "Are you talking to me?" she asked finally, when the silence stretched too long.
Vincent smiled up at her and hoped his sincerity was shining through his eyes. "Is there any other Jessica who’s as charming, alluring, gorgeous, smart and lovely as you, my Princess?"
Jessica gave him another look and said, "I ROLL my eyes. WHO’S your princess? I’M not!" Then she looked at him weirdly, "Wait, I got the question mark question mark come out of my head... you think I’M pretty?"
"Yes, oh YES! You’re my sun and my moon, my entire universe. You, my sweet, are the apple of my eye. Without you, I am but a withered rose. But when you walk past, I am in full bloom. YOU are the light of my life and I want to be as close to you as the shit in your anus."
Jessica could only stare and blink in utter confusion.
"If you were a pig, I would be the sweet, precious mud that you trampled on. If you were an animal, I would be the fur on your skin. If you were a fish, I would be your scales! If you...if you...."
Jessica’s shoulders were hunched when Vincent looked up, his voice trailing off. He smiled excitedly and took a step towards her, saying softly, "Don’t cry, my dearest. For it hurts me more than it hurts you when those crystals fall from your eyes."
"CRYING!?" Jessica’s voice was muffled as she buried her head in her hands before letting out a loud peal of laughter that pierced Vincent’s ears and heart. "CRYING?!"
Vincent took an uncertain step backwards as Jessica lifted her head. In her eyes, he saw only mirth and laughter, but no tears. "The SHIT in my ANUS? God, that is SUCH a stupid line!"
Vincent looked at Jessica in shock, feeling his bottom lip tremble. "And WHO’S your popo DEAREST? I laugh until my popo blood come out."
Ubrina, Jessica’s close friend, looked up at Jessica’s words, saw the laughing girl, shook her head, sighed and went back to her board game.
Vincent’s eyes, if possible, grew wider till they were practically bulging out of his sockets. Jessica simply rolled her eyes and turned back to her homework. "But.... but Jessica..."
Jessica’s head shot up at the unwelcome disturbance. "WHAT, dammit?!" Vincent tried to stop his tears but to no avail.
Jessica stared at him and rolled her eyes again, before calling to Ubrina, "Look, got the gila gila hyena!"
Ubrina glanced over and rolled her eyes before going back to her stuff. "SEE? You aren’t even worth the time of day!" Jessica sighed, wishing he would just get the OBVIOUS signals she was sending him and GO AWAY.
'But honey, you haven’t even heard me out yet! There’s so much more I need to say! I’m attracted to you like bees to a honey-tree, no, too cliché.. like a penguin in the mating season, like urine to a toilet bowl!"
Jessica burst out laughing and Vincent had to cover his ears from the impact. He took another step toward her and Jessica kicked out, rolling her eyes when Vincent fell to his knees, his hands covering his injured...ahem... groin. He groaned in pain and Jessica couldn’t stop her malicious grin.
"Steph!" she yelled. "Stephanie Goh!" her best friend sauntered over to Jessica and rose an eyebrow questioningly when she saw Vincent’s crumpled form. Her eyes then traveled to his hands and when she saw what he was painfully gripping, she shook her head and sighed, "Jess, I know you get your urges, but THIS is ridiculous!"
Jessica’s laughter choked on Steph’s words. "Oh, gross! HIM!? Please, come on! You KNOW I have better taste than that! And anyway… Sam would be heartbroken.”
Ubrina chuckled and looked up at Jessica, her eyes twinkling with laughter. “I KNEW there was something going on with Sam and you!"
“Busted!” Jessica laughed, looking at Steph.
Stephanie grinned, before a puzzled look crossed her face. “But if you didn’t fool around, then this guy…?”
“Let’s just say he’s another unfortunate case.”
Steph’s face twisted into an amused smile. “Ooh… another guy fell for the charm, eh? And this one tried messing with Jess too, huh?”
Ubrina sighed, “So what else is new?”
“True, true,” Steph mused. She bent down and offered Vincent a pathetic, pitiful smile. “You do realize that Jess is, um, well-known for, uh, making men unable to… father children?”
Vincent’s eyes widened as he grasped the meaning behind Steph’s words. The pain in his “ahem*groin*ahem” almost succeeded in numbing his shock. Almost. He moaned as he watched the three laughing girls leave the room.//
The heartache of being rejected grew each day. Then, of course, there was that little problem about his… fathering abilities.
Boy, did Vincent regret messing with Jessica.
Another big worry was the fact that he was bisexual.
Hmm… an ugly, rejected, unaccepted, socially and morally challenged bisexual failure. Who couldn’t father. What a perfect guy. What a perfectly FUCKED UP guy, anyway.
So that was the day Vincent decided that he had had enough of his torture. He was going to become… a girl. They didn’t have much to worry about, after all. It would be easy as cake. He had always been told that he’d been born with girly features after all.
That was the solution to ALL his problems. God, it would be so easy. To escape from everything, just…. everything. Obviously, there was a ‘but’ in that sentence.
He didn’t have the money.
Oh, please, WHO would give a guy with FIVE fucking dollars a complete makeover? It was surgery, for crying out loud! It could take up to millions to pay for a job like that. Dammit.
His feet suddenly stopped moving and automatically, Vincent turned to see where he was. 3474 Werikel Road. The ‘gangster lane’. There were loan sharks, murderers and all kinds of underworld people there. Vincent had no idea how he had gotten there.
“Hey, you look like you could use some help.”
Vincent debated whether or not to answer. If he was bashed up… well, the guy was at LEAST 40 pounds heavier than himself. “Uh… actually, I could. Use some help, that is.” He said in a rush.
“I thought so.” The man smiled and pushed Vincent up into the building, where their negotiation plans went on long into the night.
“This is fucking ridiculous…” Vincent kept repeating the same line over and over again. “It’s insane. I can’t be really looking like THIS.”
But he was.
“Urgh.” Vincent cringed at his reflection before smiling a toothy grin and patting his hair. Actually, now that he looked at it from THIS angle…he didn’t look half bad. In fact…
“I can’t believe it!” Vincent breathed, reaching out to touch his reflection. “I’m fucking BEAUTIFUL!”
Now that THAT was settled, all he needed to do was find a job. Now THAT was going to be the simple part.
He had gotten the job! “Oh god, I got the job! I don’t believe this! Oh Poh Yolk, I love you so FUCKING much! Just stay blind longer! The longer you stay blind, the longer I can be your relief!”
Vincent, now known as Tan Poh Yee, sank down into the chair in a state of delirious euphoria. “I love this!”
A loud banging on the door sent Poh Yee to her feet. ‘I might as well start thinking of myself as a girl,’ she thought, ‘If I’m going to have to be one for the rest of my life.’
She answered the door, a lazy expression on her bitchy face. “What? Oh!”
The figure at the door raised an eyebrow. “You, uh, didn’t have enough cash to go to a professional, I see.”
Poh Yee was confused, but didn’t question. “Um, about the money… I don’t have it right now.”
The next thing she knew, everything around her was flying past her eyes at an amazing speed. She could hear the man muttering something like, ‘bloody fucking bitch,’ before her face crashed into the cold, hard wall and the world as she knew it went black.
“Poh Yee! Oh god, your face!”
“Tell me something I don’t already fucking know,” Poh Yee muttered as she got ready to face her new job with her disfigured face.
“Dammit, must’ve taken a wrong turn,” Poh Yee muttered to herself as she tried to find Toa Payoh and turned her rented car back in a u-turn. After all, she had thought triumphantly that morning, Nothing counts more than the first impression.
“Right, and now they’re gonna throw a big party for me. What’s the use of a fucking CAR if I’m late?”
She finally found her way to the principal’s office after an unbelievably long two hours. For goodness’ sakes, she was going to CHIJ (Toa Payoh) and she was already IN Toa Payoh. How much more retarded could she get? What the hell. At least she had reached the damned place.
“Good morning, Miss Tan.”
“Huh? Oh… um, good morning, Miss. Tan.”
“Do you mind going to class 2/5 now? We need a relief teacher, urgently.” Miss Tan said with an apologetic smile.
Poh Yee headed towards the class she THOUGHT was 2/5. She was so immensely relieved that Miss Tan still let her keep her job.
‘Unexpectedly’, Poh Yee took a LONG time to reach 2/5. She walked past it three times without even realizing it was 2/5. That was how fucking STUPID she was.
When she finally found 2/5 he walked in contentedly and gave them a weak smile. The class seemed to be overjoyed to see a teacher in their class, all of them were trying desperately to muffle their laughter.
“Good morning, girls.”
As the class started to stand up to greet her, her eyes laid upon the most unexpected person. Jessica. She was there, just at the back of the class, and she looked just like before. No change, not at all.
“Jessica,” Poh Yee muttered under her breath.
Jessica looked up to have a closer look at the teacher in front of her, very reluctantly, though. A look of disgust filled her face for a moment.
“Steph, is that THING a guy or a girl?”
“Oh my goodness, I think it’s a girl.”
“Looks more like a guy to me.” Ubrina cut in.
"Whatever…I think he/she is a transvestite,” Steph said with a tone of finality.
Poh Yee was in a daze for the rest of the day, her mind running over Jessica’s familiar features again and again. She recognized the other two girls too… Stephanie - the one who had informed her about her DISability, and Ubrina, the one who hadn’t given a fuck about her.
There were three new girls hanging around Jessica as well. They were all noisy and pissed the fuck out of her. Poh Yee didn’t know their names… but she would find out in due time. Although… the girl with the dark complexion was pretty, strikingly so. Poh Yee sighed and rested her head in her hands. “Fuck this.”
“Jess!” Natalie whispered, nudging her friend. “I think that new teacher’s looking at you again!”
“What? Me? And what do you mean, AGAIN?”
“She’s been looking at you the WHOLE morning!” Joyce cut in, and Ubrina nodded in confirmation. “Like she’s known you for a long time or something. It’s so gross!”
“But she’s eyeing YOU too!” Natalie laughed, as she poked Joyce in the side.
Ubrina chuckled as they began teasing Joyce, and the tanned girl curled up her mouth in disgust. “Yuck! Me!? NO way!”
Jessica and Joyce turned to each other, each with an identical look of repulse on their faces. “This is so sick!”
Stephanie turned around in her seat and faced the two giggling and two disgusted girls sitting behind her. “Would you shut up? She’s staring at you like she’s annoyed!”
“Who gives a fuck?”
Stephanie sighed, shook her head and turned back to face the front, inwardly laughing at the four girls’ conversation.
Poh Yee narrowed her eyes as she realized that none of the girls really cared if she was pissed or not. Well, they could jolly well chuck those attitudes, because like fuck she was going to take it lying down. The girls laughed again and Poh Yee cracked. She stared at them and sent Jessica and Stephanie out of class.
“You are really making too much noise! Spare a thought for other people, won’t you? Even if you don’t want to listen, others do!”
“Right, as if,” someone muttered. But Poh Yee ignored her.
Jessica raised an eyebrow, “But you weren’t teaching,” she retorted, her tone polite and yet challenging at the same time. “You were talking to that girl so-“
“You should still learn to respect other people.”
Stephanie rolled her eyes and pulled Jessica out of class. “C’mon,” she muttered, under her breath. “That woman’s a bitch who doesn’t listen to reason.”
Poh Yee had figured out long ago that Jessica would never be hers. She wasn’t going to let herself get hurt again. Besides, she had a much better target this time. She smiled at the three remaining fuming girls before talking again.
Ubrina looked at Natalie and Joyce, anger burning in her eyes. “What the fuck? She should have at least sent us all out together. Fuck this.”
“I know,” Joyce whispered back. “But she’s fucking-“
“Biased.”
“Yeah.”
“And there’s nothing we can fucking do about it.”
So the three turned back to the blackboard and pretended to listen as Poh Yee droned on and on and on and on. Later, when Poh Yee announced that there would be spelling on Wednesday, Ubrina grinned impishly and yelled to the two girls outside, “Hey, Steph! The witch says that there’s spelling on Wednesday.”
The class erupted into a fit of giggles but Poh Yee didn’t understand what Ubrina had just said. Ignoring it, she continued with her teaching.
“Fuck, that was a long day.”
“Tell me about it.”
“That woman’s a fucking bitch.”
“Yes, she is.”
“Ubrina made up a song about her.”
“Yeah. And so did Lareina.”
Explosive, unstoppable laughter.
“Oh. My. God. That was funny. It-“
“Joy ah! Joyce!” Poh Yee’s irritating voice cut through the conversation and five irate girls turned at the voice.
Joyce plastered the sweetest smile she could muster onto her face and turned to face Poh Yee. “Yes?”
“Who is this girl?” Poh Yee batted her eyelashes flirtatiously and put her hand on Joyce’s arm, not noticing the shudder that went down Joyce’s spine. “I cannot read it. Who’s register number 12?”
Joyce thought for a minute before smiling and pointing out the girl, with restrained politeness, to Poh Yee. Smiling again and patting Joyce on the shoulder, Poh Yee ran to the other girl. Joyce stood for a second, a disgusted look creeping onto her face, as her friends burst into laughter. “Oh my god. Joyce, she loves you.”
“Poor thing, you better go home and bathe.”
“See? She’s biased. She only likes Joyce, the PREFECT.”
The girls sang the word ‘prefect’ and Joyce rolled her eyes, knocking all of them over the head. She dusted her arm and shuddered again. “Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. And I am NOT a prefect.”
“Yes, but that bitch won’t get that past her thick skull.” Jessica laughed, “She keeps insisting that you help the class prefects with everything, you *guai kia.”
“I am NOT a guai kia!”
They laughed and tugged on Joyce’s arm, proceeding to walk to the canteen for their recess.
“She’s a bloody fucking bitch.”
“I know.”
“Can we kill her?”
“Tempting thought.”
“Fuck, this sucks.”
“You’re not the only one.”
The class sighed, feeling utterly bored. Then someone gave a soft yelp of surprise. “Look, there’s a blob of liquid paper on her skirt!”
The girls turned and stared at the white liquid staining Poh Yee’s black skirt. It stood out like a sore thumb and they all tried desperately to contain their giggles. Poh Yee felt the girls’ eyes on her, but took it as a compliment. Her new skirt WAS pretty attractive.
And she continued to torment the girls with her stained skirt and obliviousness. Stupid Poh Yee.
“Fuck her.”
“She ain’t even worth it.”
“Fuck you.”
“Relax. Why are you so pissed?”
“Why does she have to fucking teach us?”
“Because we need a relief.”
“Why our fucking class?”
“Because we have a teacher who contracted eye cataract and needed the operation.”
“Fuck that.”
“Yep.”
“Is she EVER gonna fucking leave?”
“Yeah. In, say, a month.”
“Fuck this.”
It was torture. Walking into the classroom, looking at Poh Yee, listening to Poh Yee, every minute of it was pure TORTURE. Why God? Why torture us like this? Why? Joyce wondered as she dropped her chin onto her hand, wishing to hell that the lesson was over.
“She’s staring at you again, Joyce,” Jessica whispered, and Joyce snapped to attention, frowning as Poh Yee gave her a sickeningly sweet smile. She forced a smile back and ignored it as Natalie and Ubrina began to snicker. WHY GOD?
“Joy ah! Joyce!” Ubrina teased, and Joyce rolled her eyes in frustration. Around her, her four friends were chanting, “Joy ah! Joyce!” and she couldn’t help feeling that they would be so sorry if she had a roll of duct tape in her hands. She clapped her hands over her ears and walked away from them, rolling her eyes again when they followed her.
“Can you help me with this, Joyce?” Natalie giggled, resting her hand on Joyce’s right arm.
“You’re sooo guai,” Jessica drawled, her hand on Joyce’s back. “You must look after Jesssiicar and Steph-funny. Okay?”
“Joy ah! Who is this girl ah?” Stephanie patted Joyce’s shoulder, grinning.
“You are a prefect, aren’t you?” Ubrina taunted. “Help the class prefects to keep the class quiet, okai?”
“AHHHHHH!” Joyce screamed, marching off, leaving the other four girls in a fit of helpless laughter.
“Fuck off.” Poh Yee muttered as Miss Tan passed her table.
“Sorry, what was that again?”
“Nothing. Nothing.”
“How do you like your job so far, Poh Yee?”
Like fucking hell. Poh Yee wanted to scream. The girls are uncooperative, they make me want to tear my hair out! Instead she said, “They’re fine.”
“I’ve heard 2/5 is a very good class.”
You are fucking pushing it, Poh Yee yelled mentally. “Yes, they are.”
I’m glad.” Miss Tan smiled again and walked away.
Poh Yee let out the rush of breath she hadn’t even realized she had been holding. “My god, I want to strangle those bitches.”
I don’t fucking believe this! Poh Yee screamed to herself. She stared, gaping at Jessica. “Your Chinese is very good.” She resisted the urge to punch the girl when Jessica smirked, her expression saying, No thanks to you.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes it is. You’re a very bright girl.”
“Thank you.” Jessica took her report card and went back to her seat.
Stephanie came up and Poh Yee again shook her head in amazement. “You’re a very good student.” FUCK you! she screamed inside.
“Thank you.”
Natalie’s results were less pleasing but her Chinese… Poh Yee glared at the girl and Natalie smiled patronizingly. Poh Yee felt as though she could read Natalie’s mind and the girl was thinking - Don’t even THINK it has ANYTHING to do with YOU. And HA! **I am a good student in Chinese, so THERE. What can you do to me?
“Good work. Buck up on your Art. You can go to the library for information.”
Natalie gave her a get-real look, took the card and went back to her seat.
Poh Yee laughed inwardly when Ubrina got up. But her laughter soon turned into displeasure when Ubrina visibly shied away from her touch and moved away from her at every chance. Poh Yee tried to put her hand on Ubrina’s shoulder, but the girl moved away quickly, grimacing like she was saying, Yuck man, don’t touch me! You’ve got a disease!
Thank god Ubrina went back to her seat quickly enough.
Joyce. Joyce was good. She liked Joyce. A lot. Joyce made the whole month bearable. Joyce the good girl. She liked Joyce.
She hoped Joyce liked her.
“I fucking HATE Tan Poh Yee!”
"We know, Joyce.”
The days after that were slow and dragging but Poh Yee lived through it. Her affection for Joyce grew, but the girl seemed reluctant to even talk to her anymore. Fine, if you can give the silent treatment, so can I. Poh Yee thought, ignoring Joyce studiously from then on.
She never heard the girl’s sigh of relief.
The days crawled by, but finally, the last day of Poh Yee’s career as a relief to 2/5 ended and she went to class, a bounce in her step.
“It’s been a pleasure teaching you,” she smiled pleasantly and waved to her class as she took off. “Thank god,” she murmured, as she ran down the hallways. “Thank god, thank god, thank god.”
The class erupted into a mountain of silent cheers. They smiled, congratulating each other on surviving the unbearably long month. One month. They couldn’t believe it had only been that long. It seemed like an eternity to them.
Stephanie nudged Joyce playfully in the side, “No one to admire our pretty Joyce now.”
“Shut up.”
“Thank goodness that bitch is finally gone.”
No one could argue with that statement.
Now they just had to find ways to put up with Poh Yoke and her intolerable long-windedness. No problem, they would surely come up with more ways to make her miserable in no time at all.
But for now… there would be peace.
At least for a little while.
-fin-
Author’s Note: I was getting kinda impatient with the story so I decided to end it like this. I think it’s kinda obvious towards the end. Sorry. Hope y’all had a good laugh out of it anyway.
*Guai kia, (for the non-Singaporeans), means a very good kid.
**And god, I am soooo ego. No offence to anyone, though.