retrospection
there will come a time in your life that, after a flurry of activities and a whirlwind of excitement you suddenly stop and find yourself looking back at how far you've gone so far. with my birthday only a few days away, i kind of feel melancholic and reflective all of a sudden. ia part of me feels as though i've already lived an entire lifetime what with everything that has happened and all the people i've met. yet there is this part of me that feels particularly poofed out, thinking that i've spent/wasted quite a big portion of my life cosseting myself and hiding my true self for fear of being vulnerable yet again. my contradicting nature is beginning to take its toll. although i am an exuberant and enthusiastic person, there is a part of me that is always on guard and overly cautious.
i love living the fun life. i love to enjoy every moment of my conscious existence. but the trauma of the past and the nightmare of memories hinder me from fully giving in to the vicissitudes of life. my past has honed me to always be cautious, to analyze things over and over before making a decision because i do not want to find myself broken and lost again. i've built a thick wall to protect myself from being again. but perhaps that is a mistake. for in my desire to protect myself from pain, i have also restricted myself from being truly and genuinely happy. i am afraid to take chances and risks where my heart is involved, primarily because i don't think i could endure another painful episode.i have shied away from second chances at love, at happiness that now, i find myself wondering why i feel so empty inside. a dull, hollowness replaced the throbbing pain that the cruel Fates have caused. it is void that has no boundaries, permeating every fiber of my being with its dark and calculating coldness.
sometimes, i feel like this emptiness would eventually go away, that someone or womething wuold come along to dispel its unnerving chill. i thought that maybe, husbanding patience would be the best way to deal with it.
then something changed. i'm not quite sure if it was me or the circumstances that changed. it dawned on me that it's about time for me decide what i want and learn how to fight for it. waiting for things to happen is a loser's way of justifying his cowardice behind a mantle of supposed patience. if you know what you want, you have to learn to fight for it. you can't always get what you want by just waiting for it to come to you. sometimes, you have to make things happen, play by Fate's rules and hope for the best.
Fate is building a bridge of chance for the person you love.
=Sassy Girl