Mar 05, 2010 23:00
Email to Matt Katsenes: March 5, 2010 10:58pm
So we chatted the other day, which was... I can't quite say "good" or "bad." It was stressful, anxious, and uncomfortable (for me, at least). There are so many unsaid things, things which could not be said due to either anxiety or due to my housemate (Angela) being both home and in the room. Nothing I am about to say is a secret; it is all common knowledge... it's about time you know.
Let me begin by saying that I am not proud of myself. I made a silent vow the day I got married. I vowed to never talk to you again: for me, for my husband, for my marriage, for my sanity. Here it is 2010 and I have broken that vow now four separate days and six instances. I am happy with my life. It is peaceful, silly, pleasant, and easy. It would be perfect, if it weren't for that nagging little part of my brain/heart/self that is still completely infatuated with you. And I hate myself for that. No, I am not proud.
I have never stopped thinking of you. You plague my dreams/nightmares, my associations with certain things, and my heart. Deep down (and not so deep down) I believe myself to be a traitor to my husband and our marriage. I was a traitor before we got married, when we got married, and to this day -- despite the fact that Adam disagrees, insisting that I cannot control what my heart/head knows and feels. I am an emotional whore.
You are an enigma to me. We were together such a brief time; however, that time caused me more emotional damage than I believed possible. You got inside me.
But, you never left.
I both loathe and long for your arms encircling my body. It's a dichotomous sickness. What is more? I miss you. I love you. I want you. I hate you.
After five years, I am still shocked at the intensity of these feelings. They are physically palpable, writhing below the surface, threatening to erupt at any moment. Some moments are easy; some are better than others; and some are insufferable. Even though I am feeling unburdened right now by vocalizing my issues, the pain and tension will return. It always does.
I don't know what to do. Adam suggested that we three go out for lunch in Boston, so that I may be able to achieve some sort of closure. I don't foresee that helping. It didn't help in January 2007 at Java House. I tried to put you to rest then, and every single day since. I need insight.
pain,
depression