(no subject)
Numb.
it's all numb.
but somehow
hurts.
nothing matters
and everything cuts so deep.
I wonder for a moment
who can cut deeper
but it's always you in the end.
Maybe I lack the courage
but mostly I care too much.
You seem fine
you tell me you're stable.
(have you ever been?)
And that's good I guess, for you.
You tell everyone how you're growing
and you're learning lessons
unless they might give you sympathy
then it's different.
I become the bad person.
I 'left' YOU.
I didn't
I didn't
I DIDN"T.
..you broke me
you were there and not there
I would have 'left' sooner if it weren't such mixed signals
..if you didn't love me too.
So how do you break someone
if you love them
it makes no sense.
No sense at all.
It's worse.
And even more when
you
can't
even
SEE.
I'm not dwelling or trying to hold onto these things.
It's just so damn confusing
and heartbreaking.
Maybe you're more outwardly dramatic
than you think.
you accuse me of being an extrovert
because I have the ability to do my job
when I'm shattered
beneath the surface
empty
and somehow capable
(I don't know how either)
it makes everything all the more numb and pointless.
All these normal people
doing stupid pointless things
with their stupid systems
getting all involved
when it doesn't matter anyway
But you
contact everybody
saying things
things that have some of the truth
but sway the hues
making everyone colour blind
and I'm the rainbow
(I always have been)
even when my heart feels in monochrome
I make it happen somehow
even if it takes everything
I'm the colour
that is left
in the black and white field
but the things you say to them
and they can't see past
what is constructed
so carefully
manipulating
(inadvertently?)
I hope with all hope not on purpose,
and that it's just through wanting attention
because
god forbid
you could break me like that too.
Even now,
it's mixed signals.
I know you mean well
to me
but those circles
have come back too many times
even now.
I invited you in
to this tiny space
I've been scrambling to pull together
maybe it was too soon
I can't welcome you here
if you're going to make me
feel,
break,
like that.
Pictures of fae
with wings that look so heavy
intricate knotwork of intertwined heartstrings
rainbows in her hair
wearing the colours of a watermelon
ribbons to cover the lines
protected on top of the world
but where in the world is she supposed to go?
if she has all the world
but you'll think differently if she chooses one over the other
what does it even matter what you think??
What does it even matter.
What does anything matter?
and why does time always
get cut so short
before I can manage
to find the words
that might even slightly come close
to conveying some kind of feeling
in the intensit
that is felt?
it's all numb.
but somehow
hurts.
nothing matters
and everything cuts so deep.
I wonder for a moment
who can cut deeper
but it's always you in the end.
Maybe I lack the courage
but mostly I care too much.
You seem fine
you tell me you're stable.
(have you ever been?)
And that's good I guess, for you.
You tell everyone how you're growing
and you're learning lessons
unless they might give you sympathy
then it's different.
I become the bad person.
I 'left' YOU.
I didn't
I didn't
I DIDN"T.
..you broke me
you were there and not there
I would have 'left' sooner if it weren't such mixed signals
..if you didn't love me too.
So how do you break someone
if you love them
it makes no sense.
No sense at all.
It's worse.
And even more when
you
can't
even
SEE.
I'm not dwelling or trying to hold onto these things.
It's just so damn confusing
and heartbreaking.
Maybe you're more outwardly dramatic
than you think.
you accuse me of being an extrovert
because I have the ability to do my job
when I'm shattered
beneath the surface
empty
and somehow capable
(I don't know how either)
it makes everything all the more numb and pointless.
All these normal people
doing stupid pointless things
with their stupid systems
getting all involved
when it doesn't matter anyway
But you
contact everybody
saying things
things that have some of the truth
but sway the hues
making everyone colour blind
and I'm the rainbow
(I always have been)
even when my heart feels in monochrome
I make it happen somehow
even if it takes everything
I'm the colour
that is left
in the black and white field
but the things you say to them
and they can't see past
what is constructed
so carefully
manipulating
(inadvertently?)
I hope with all hope not on purpose,
and that it's just through wanting attention
because
god forbid
you could break me like that too.
Even now,
it's mixed signals.
I know you mean well
to me
but those circles
have come back too many times
even now.
I invited you in
to this tiny space
I've been scrambling to pull together
maybe it was too soon
I can't welcome you here
if you're going to make me
feel,
break,
like that.
Pictures of fae
with wings that look so heavy
intricate knotwork of intertwined heartstrings
rainbows in her hair
wearing the colours of a watermelon
ribbons to cover the lines
protected on top of the world
but where in the world is she supposed to go?
if she has all the world
but you'll think differently if she chooses one over the other
what does it even matter what you think??
What does it even matter.
What does anything matter?
and why does time always
get cut so short
before I can manage
to find the words
that might even slightly come close
to conveying some kind of feeling
in the intensit
that is felt?