7 Months
Waiting is one of the hardest parts. As is reflecting on the change my life has undergone in the past year. I always spent my time guessing how life would turn out for me. Turns out I couldn't have been further from the truth. My friends dwindle more and more to the point I wonder if I ever had any at all, except maybe Kacie. Good times don't make friends, they say, loyalty does. Little Billiam kicks and rolls and it brings me a smile as does his father's gentle eyes. I wonder what the little one will be like... I picture this boy with floppy blonde curls with bright eyes with the soul of a viking howling at the world in content :p But that's just my assessment based on how he treats my insides haha. My mom was right. Not only have my "friends" slipped away one by one by "I" am slipping away. It started so gradually I didn't even notice. Sometimes I cry because I feel like I've lost my identity and yet don't have a new one. I see my past, and see this wild, untamable, reckless girl who wants nothing more to possess the world in the palm of her hand and a wicked grin while going about it. Now I look in the mirror and realize I'm not quite as spry as I was in them years, but time has molded me into what I need to be. Patient, loving, accepting, all the things a mother should be and I'm almost proud at the transformation just still a bit scared of the unknown. Now, I think about my son. How it's even possible to love him and his father equally. My heart is going to have to stretch and accommodate. I can't believe I love this little being that I've never even met as much as I do. I want the world for him and that is now my only purpose. I didn't think I could love his father any more and in a way I was right. But I love him in so may more ways then just being my lover. Sometimes I feel like my heart could burst if I think about them too much. I mean I've never been a very dedicated person and this, well this is the long haul and for once it's not a commitment I fear.
Sometimes I do still like to close my eyes and see my former self raising hell, having the time of her life. I think it's important though. If I lose that, one day in the far future I won't be in touch with little William's needs as a teenager. Life is full circle he'll find the same questions, the same epiphanies, the same emotions just like we all did. How we help him manage them is the important part I believe.
Sometimes I do still like to close my eyes and see my former self raising hell, having the time of her life. I think it's important though. If I lose that, one day in the far future I won't be in touch with little William's needs as a teenager. Life is full circle he'll find the same questions, the same epiphanies, the same emotions just like we all did. How we help him manage them is the important part I believe.