Endings.
(Yeah, I'm still up.)
This whole blocking thing has me thinking. There appears to be a pattern of isolation and ending going on in my life lately, and I don't like it. And I don't know what to do about it. If I can do anything about it.
When I hung out with Ayinsan the other day we went to the used bookstore and I picked up an astrology book - it's sort of an interest of mine. I read some things in it pertaining to my sign that explain some stuff about my life, albeit disturbing. One of them was this: "you must learn to face death in the eye." Mind you, death doesn't necessarily mean actual death - though I've seen enough of that, in losing loved ones in the past.
So perhaps the blockage was just one more 'little death.' In living out here, as isolated as I am, it has really messed with my mind. Isolation kills. Just recently I came across a newsbit about an actual study that proves this - which I've been saying for years. I've long had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I've noticed that since moving out here there's been an increase in the occurrence and intensity of my fouler moods. This...is bad. There's a metal bar in one of the barns here. I keep having the thought that it would be a good place to hang myself. (Don't panic. I'm not going to do that, especially as hanging is not a way I'd prefer to go. Remember, I'm a coward. Pain is something I like to avoid as much as possible.)
I think that my folks are in a way depressed too - they have very few friends (my mom actually doesn't have any, save for maybe a long-past coworker with whom she very infrequently trades emails!), and my dad is very limited in mobility now, as well as being controlling and wanting to dictate most if not all outings, so they have little to no social lives to speak of. But unlike me, they aren't the type to admit to it - or to seek help. (Case in point: my dad's recent accident.) I can't speak for them, but I don't think that suicidal thoughts have ever really occurred to them simply because I don't think they possess that capacity to have such thoughts. (I could be wrong, of course.) This isn't wholly a bad thing - having suicidal thoughts is a total PITA to say the least, so if one isn't having them, then IMO that would be a good thing. When you feel like shit and don't know how or if you'll get out of it, this is a terrible cycle to be stuck spin-dried in indefinitely. :/
And I suppose this is why we all stay together, even though it would probably be healthier for me to have my own place (not that I could ever afford it, barring any miracles, for which I'm not holding my breath): dysfunctional companionship is better than none. (For this reason, I'm thankful that I never dated/married - it likely would have ended very badly for everyone involved.) I know that when I lived in Florida, by myself, the isolation (of a different nature) really started to get to me after a while. It's weird...when I was a lot younger, isolation didn't bother me. I grew up in a somewhat isolated area, just outside of town, and I purposely stayed home and never got involved in any after-school activities, never went to any gatherings - because my peers were assholes and why would you want to spend time with assholes? I was capable of amusing myself, back then; I was all the company I needed or wanted. But I guess needs change as you age, and in fact I likely did myself just as much damage as protection, with my self-imposed isolation then - it was a long time before I realized that.
And, too, I'm having a hard time coping with the world at large. More and more I feel like I'm left behind, and eventually it'll get to the point where I have no chance of attaining even a minimal catch-up. This scares me, not least of which because I worry about the future - both mine, and at large. For obvious reasons. I think, even when I was younger, I always had this sense of doom quietly lurking in the back of my head; as I've aged, it's gotten less quieter, so it's harder to pretend it's not there.
I know death - in all its forms - is a part of life. I wish it wasn't so hard to handle, though. And it's harder when you're isolated. It took me a while before I was able to acknowledge that I have a self-destructive streak; it's taking even longer for me to figure out how to keep it at bay, let alone how to thrive instead of just survive. I just hope I can hold on long enough to get to a better point - and stay there.
This whole blocking thing has me thinking. There appears to be a pattern of isolation and ending going on in my life lately, and I don't like it. And I don't know what to do about it. If I can do anything about it.
When I hung out with Ayinsan the other day we went to the used bookstore and I picked up an astrology book - it's sort of an interest of mine. I read some things in it pertaining to my sign that explain some stuff about my life, albeit disturbing. One of them was this: "you must learn to face death in the eye." Mind you, death doesn't necessarily mean actual death - though I've seen enough of that, in losing loved ones in the past.
So perhaps the blockage was just one more 'little death.' In living out here, as isolated as I am, it has really messed with my mind. Isolation kills. Just recently I came across a newsbit about an actual study that proves this - which I've been saying for years. I've long had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I've noticed that since moving out here there's been an increase in the occurrence and intensity of my fouler moods. This...is bad. There's a metal bar in one of the barns here. I keep having the thought that it would be a good place to hang myself. (Don't panic. I'm not going to do that, especially as hanging is not a way I'd prefer to go. Remember, I'm a coward. Pain is something I like to avoid as much as possible.)
I think that my folks are in a way depressed too - they have very few friends (my mom actually doesn't have any, save for maybe a long-past coworker with whom she very infrequently trades emails!), and my dad is very limited in mobility now, as well as being controlling and wanting to dictate most if not all outings, so they have little to no social lives to speak of. But unlike me, they aren't the type to admit to it - or to seek help. (Case in point: my dad's recent accident.) I can't speak for them, but I don't think that suicidal thoughts have ever really occurred to them simply because I don't think they possess that capacity to have such thoughts. (I could be wrong, of course.) This isn't wholly a bad thing - having suicidal thoughts is a total PITA to say the least, so if one isn't having them, then IMO that would be a good thing. When you feel like shit and don't know how or if you'll get out of it, this is a terrible cycle to be stuck spin-dried in indefinitely. :/
And I suppose this is why we all stay together, even though it would probably be healthier for me to have my own place (not that I could ever afford it, barring any miracles, for which I'm not holding my breath): dysfunctional companionship is better than none. (For this reason, I'm thankful that I never dated/married - it likely would have ended very badly for everyone involved.) I know that when I lived in Florida, by myself, the isolation (of a different nature) really started to get to me after a while. It's weird...when I was a lot younger, isolation didn't bother me. I grew up in a somewhat isolated area, just outside of town, and I purposely stayed home and never got involved in any after-school activities, never went to any gatherings - because my peers were assholes and why would you want to spend time with assholes? I was capable of amusing myself, back then; I was all the company I needed or wanted. But I guess needs change as you age, and in fact I likely did myself just as much damage as protection, with my self-imposed isolation then - it was a long time before I realized that.
And, too, I'm having a hard time coping with the world at large. More and more I feel like I'm left behind, and eventually it'll get to the point where I have no chance of attaining even a minimal catch-up. This scares me, not least of which because I worry about the future - both mine, and at large. For obvious reasons. I think, even when I was younger, I always had this sense of doom quietly lurking in the back of my head; as I've aged, it's gotten less quieter, so it's harder to pretend it's not there.
I know death - in all its forms - is a part of life. I wish it wasn't so hard to handle, though. And it's harder when you're isolated. It took me a while before I was able to acknowledge that I have a self-destructive streak; it's taking even longer for me to figure out how to keep it at bay, let alone how to thrive instead of just survive. I just hope I can hold on long enough to get to a better point - and stay there.