Existential ramblings.
So this is what I've been up to lately:
Very little. It's hard to do anything when you're a) poor, and b) have no dependable vehicle at your disposal. Also c) when you're stuck in the middle of frickin' nowhere with nobody around.
I thought I was getting used to living here - on Sept. 14th, it will be a full year since we moved. But I think I was wrong on that count. It's...semi-tolerable, but I find that more and more, I'm getting tetchy on a lot of levels. This is not good. For obvious reasons.
When I'm bored I do stuff I shouldn't. Like poking at anti-choice trolls in online forums. It's a cheap sort of satisfaction to watch them freak out, but it accomplishes nothing of any real value. And it's a time-waster. I was actually glad when HuffPo went to FB-only commenting, because I used to waste hours commenting on various articles that caught my interest. When they went FB-only, that was it for me, I wasn't gonna invite the trolls into my own backyard, so I quit cold turkey. So while only a teensy bit annoying, it was actually a relief.
But because I have such a low threshold for boredom and frustration, I go in search of other outlets. Not having found any, my frustration grows. With that comes a lot of anger. I am a very angry person. You wouldn't know it to look at me, but it's true. I have a lot of anger tied in with a lot of issues. And the frustration of being unable to do anything *constructively* (and that is the key word, ladies and gents) about this anger. So it's a self-feeding frenzy of sorts.
I half-joke to my bestie Ayinsan that living out here, in isolation (and it is an isolation, make no mistake), is turning me feral. There's a kernel of truth in that. I find that I can't keep track of the date anymore. I have no idea what day it is half the time. I sort of 'forget' how to interact with people when I'm out in public and I've noticed that while I'm not outright rude, I sometimes am a little clipped with people than I used to be (clipped as in not talking much, not necessarily being snippy). This worries me. While I'm not what you'd call a social butterfly, I do need a certain degree of human interaction.
I've come to the somewhat depressing conclusion that I am just one of those people who needs other people around - even if those other people and I don't necessarily see eye to eye on everything (i.e., my dad who gripes constantly). I hate to think of myself as a needy, clingy type...but I guess this probably qualifies me as such.
This was made more evident to me in the past week. My folks went down to Texas to visit my brother and SIL - a trip that did *not* go well, for reasons which I'll shortly explain - while I stayed home to maintain the fort, so to speak. During which time I did little else besides sleep and watch TV. A lot of TV. (The one good thing about that was that I discovered the movie V for Vendetta, which I'd never seen before, and then it was HELLO AKABANE-TYPE. Also, it was a good - though dark - movie, so I had to go buy it later when Ayinsan and I went out and about.) I had my dad's truck, but 1) it's a PITA to drive on account of its size, 2) he has a bunch of heavy crap in the back that people would love to steal and could, if they were strong/numerous enough to lift it, so I had to be careful where I took the truck and parked it, and 3) it's a gas-sucker and out here you have to drive no less than 20 miles to get to anything worth a damn. And I had only so much cash on hand, and I was saving that for groceries if necessary. So needless to say, I was judicious in my truck-use. (Once for pizza and once for a grocery run.)
So while it was nice to more or less do as I pleased, and not have to clean off the toilet seat every time before using it (my dad is gross unfortunately, so I always keep a spray bottle of cleaner and some paper towels handy in the bathroom), I still would have preferred some company because to me, it is *normal* to have someone around. And I don't feel quite as uneasy if I have people with me versus me being all by myself. (I don't sleep as well when I'm alone.) I'm not all hide-under-the-bed, mind you. But there is this...sense, of something missing, and it doesn't sit well with me.
I have and on occasion do think about what it might be like to have a Significant Other. But it would have to be one hell of a special person to get me into that. I'm very leery of getting into a Serious Relationship - I've seen too many go bad, a few in horrific ways. I don't want to be one of the bad statistics. Also, I have certain Issues with a capital I that have never been satisfactorily resolved to my liking. I'm not even sure they can be, at this point. If ever I did go the relationship route, it better be a damn good one, and for the right reasons. I know that plenty of people have healthy, good relationships that last a literal lifetime...I'm just not sure if I would be good material for that, if I could sustain the energy necessary for it.
(Tell you how bad this isolation's affecting my head - I'm actually starting to wonder if I ought to go to this stupid 20-year reunion anyway. But then I have to remind myself that these people didn't give a shit about me then, and they aren't going to start now, and that helps kill that train of thought.)
Anyhoo, the trip. Evidently my dad behaved very poorly, to the point where both Brother and SIL have said they don't want him to come back again unless he fixes his attitude. My mom gave me a brief rundown; SIL vented more in detail to me on the phone the day after the folks came back. Apparently my mom was in tears at one point towards the end of the visit. Dad was equal parts grouchy and ignoring people in his typical sulking. Few of you know my dad other than from what I post about him; Ayinsan has seen his temperament in action on multiple occasions. So...yeah. I don't doubt that Dad was a major PITA on this trip.
Unfortunately, he's gotten grouchier as he's aged. This year, he'll be one year shy of 70. Much of his bad temperament is based on his health. He has constant pain in his knees, which have no cartilage anymore (haven't for years) from his decades of heavy labor. He can't stand for much more than 5 minutes. He can barely walk. When we go shopping, he either has to get one of those electric carts, or find a bench to sit on. I've gotten used to being a human crutch at times - though I don't like it. So I get that. I get that he's in pain. I wish there was something I could do, but I can't. He should have had his knees operated on years ago, but he always refused to, not necessarily from expense. (We're poorer now, so it's a moot issue anyway, but still.)
So he got worse, and now, because he can't do anything other than sit in front of the TV all day, he takes out his misery on everybody else. Which is what he likely did in Texas. And also, because he doesn't like having to run his life according to someone else's schedule (but expects everyone else to cater to his. One of the reasons I was never thrilled about living here is because this house was tailored to fit his preferences more than anyone else's). My SIL is a very direct, forceful person who knows what she wants and how to do it. I can deal with it (for the most part), but my dad cannot. He has never dealt well with women who are strong and opinionated (hence some of the reason why he's been able to walk over my mom and why he takes my brother more seriously than me).
So it will be interesting to see how Christmas is handled. We don't do anything anymore for the holidays - which I miss - but almost all our relatives have moved out of state or are busy with plans of their own, and they live way too far away for us to visit easily. Or, in my dad's side, they're just assholes and we won't have anything to do with 'em. (My uncle excepted, but he lives in Florida, so, yeah.) Both sets of grandparents are gone now - the last was my grandma on my dad's side, and she went in August of 2011, I think, while I was in Florida. So I suppose as we all age and move on and such, that family ties thing just sort of unravels on its own...
I never really used to think of myself as being old - and to some degree, I still don't - but as my 38th approaches, and as I get unwelcome reminders like the 20th reunion, I'm feeling my age more than I used to. I know it's not really old, as compared with, say, the 50s or 60s, or even the 70s. But I think you get to certain points in your age timeline and the impact of it hits more than it ought to. Doubly so if you're someone in my situation and don't really have the ability to cope with it.
I'm rambling at this point. It's after 4 am here. But this was just stuff I needed to type out to dispel some of the anxiety/frustration/etc. that's been building up in me for a while. If you read this far, you would get a big, juicy, chocolate chip cookie if I was able to transmit cookies through computer screens.
Very little. It's hard to do anything when you're a) poor, and b) have no dependable vehicle at your disposal. Also c) when you're stuck in the middle of frickin' nowhere with nobody around.
I thought I was getting used to living here - on Sept. 14th, it will be a full year since we moved. But I think I was wrong on that count. It's...semi-tolerable, but I find that more and more, I'm getting tetchy on a lot of levels. This is not good. For obvious reasons.
When I'm bored I do stuff I shouldn't. Like poking at anti-choice trolls in online forums. It's a cheap sort of satisfaction to watch them freak out, but it accomplishes nothing of any real value. And it's a time-waster. I was actually glad when HuffPo went to FB-only commenting, because I used to waste hours commenting on various articles that caught my interest. When they went FB-only, that was it for me, I wasn't gonna invite the trolls into my own backyard, so I quit cold turkey. So while only a teensy bit annoying, it was actually a relief.
But because I have such a low threshold for boredom and frustration, I go in search of other outlets. Not having found any, my frustration grows. With that comes a lot of anger. I am a very angry person. You wouldn't know it to look at me, but it's true. I have a lot of anger tied in with a lot of issues. And the frustration of being unable to do anything *constructively* (and that is the key word, ladies and gents) about this anger. So it's a self-feeding frenzy of sorts.
I half-joke to my bestie Ayinsan that living out here, in isolation (and it is an isolation, make no mistake), is turning me feral. There's a kernel of truth in that. I find that I can't keep track of the date anymore. I have no idea what day it is half the time. I sort of 'forget' how to interact with people when I'm out in public and I've noticed that while I'm not outright rude, I sometimes am a little clipped with people than I used to be (clipped as in not talking much, not necessarily being snippy). This worries me. While I'm not what you'd call a social butterfly, I do need a certain degree of human interaction.
I've come to the somewhat depressing conclusion that I am just one of those people who needs other people around - even if those other people and I don't necessarily see eye to eye on everything (i.e., my dad who gripes constantly). I hate to think of myself as a needy, clingy type...but I guess this probably qualifies me as such.
This was made more evident to me in the past week. My folks went down to Texas to visit my brother and SIL - a trip that did *not* go well, for reasons which I'll shortly explain - while I stayed home to maintain the fort, so to speak. During which time I did little else besides sleep and watch TV. A lot of TV. (The one good thing about that was that I discovered the movie V for Vendetta, which I'd never seen before, and then it was HELLO AKABANE-TYPE. Also, it was a good - though dark - movie, so I had to go buy it later when Ayinsan and I went out and about.) I had my dad's truck, but 1) it's a PITA to drive on account of its size, 2) he has a bunch of heavy crap in the back that people would love to steal and could, if they were strong/numerous enough to lift it, so I had to be careful where I took the truck and parked it, and 3) it's a gas-sucker and out here you have to drive no less than 20 miles to get to anything worth a damn. And I had only so much cash on hand, and I was saving that for groceries if necessary. So needless to say, I was judicious in my truck-use. (Once for pizza and once for a grocery run.)
So while it was nice to more or less do as I pleased, and not have to clean off the toilet seat every time before using it (my dad is gross unfortunately, so I always keep a spray bottle of cleaner and some paper towels handy in the bathroom), I still would have preferred some company because to me, it is *normal* to have someone around. And I don't feel quite as uneasy if I have people with me versus me being all by myself. (I don't sleep as well when I'm alone.) I'm not all hide-under-the-bed, mind you. But there is this...sense, of something missing, and it doesn't sit well with me.
I have and on occasion do think about what it might be like to have a Significant Other. But it would have to be one hell of a special person to get me into that. I'm very leery of getting into a Serious Relationship - I've seen too many go bad, a few in horrific ways. I don't want to be one of the bad statistics. Also, I have certain Issues with a capital I that have never been satisfactorily resolved to my liking. I'm not even sure they can be, at this point. If ever I did go the relationship route, it better be a damn good one, and for the right reasons. I know that plenty of people have healthy, good relationships that last a literal lifetime...I'm just not sure if I would be good material for that, if I could sustain the energy necessary for it.
(Tell you how bad this isolation's affecting my head - I'm actually starting to wonder if I ought to go to this stupid 20-year reunion anyway. But then I have to remind myself that these people didn't give a shit about me then, and they aren't going to start now, and that helps kill that train of thought.)
Anyhoo, the trip. Evidently my dad behaved very poorly, to the point where both Brother and SIL have said they don't want him to come back again unless he fixes his attitude. My mom gave me a brief rundown; SIL vented more in detail to me on the phone the day after the folks came back. Apparently my mom was in tears at one point towards the end of the visit. Dad was equal parts grouchy and ignoring people in his typical sulking. Few of you know my dad other than from what I post about him; Ayinsan has seen his temperament in action on multiple occasions. So...yeah. I don't doubt that Dad was a major PITA on this trip.
Unfortunately, he's gotten grouchier as he's aged. This year, he'll be one year shy of 70. Much of his bad temperament is based on his health. He has constant pain in his knees, which have no cartilage anymore (haven't for years) from his decades of heavy labor. He can't stand for much more than 5 minutes. He can barely walk. When we go shopping, he either has to get one of those electric carts, or find a bench to sit on. I've gotten used to being a human crutch at times - though I don't like it. So I get that. I get that he's in pain. I wish there was something I could do, but I can't. He should have had his knees operated on years ago, but he always refused to, not necessarily from expense. (We're poorer now, so it's a moot issue anyway, but still.)
So he got worse, and now, because he can't do anything other than sit in front of the TV all day, he takes out his misery on everybody else. Which is what he likely did in Texas. And also, because he doesn't like having to run his life according to someone else's schedule (but expects everyone else to cater to his. One of the reasons I was never thrilled about living here is because this house was tailored to fit his preferences more than anyone else's). My SIL is a very direct, forceful person who knows what she wants and how to do it. I can deal with it (for the most part), but my dad cannot. He has never dealt well with women who are strong and opinionated (hence some of the reason why he's been able to walk over my mom and why he takes my brother more seriously than me).
So it will be interesting to see how Christmas is handled. We don't do anything anymore for the holidays - which I miss - but almost all our relatives have moved out of state or are busy with plans of their own, and they live way too far away for us to visit easily. Or, in my dad's side, they're just assholes and we won't have anything to do with 'em. (My uncle excepted, but he lives in Florida, so, yeah.) Both sets of grandparents are gone now - the last was my grandma on my dad's side, and she went in August of 2011, I think, while I was in Florida. So I suppose as we all age and move on and such, that family ties thing just sort of unravels on its own...
I never really used to think of myself as being old - and to some degree, I still don't - but as my 38th approaches, and as I get unwelcome reminders like the 20th reunion, I'm feeling my age more than I used to. I know it's not really old, as compared with, say, the 50s or 60s, or even the 70s. But I think you get to certain points in your age timeline and the impact of it hits more than it ought to. Doubly so if you're someone in my situation and don't really have the ability to cope with it.
I'm rambling at this point. It's after 4 am here. But this was just stuff I needed to type out to dispel some of the anxiety/frustration/etc. that's been building up in me for a while. If you read this far, you would get a big, juicy, chocolate chip cookie if I was able to transmit cookies through computer screens.