Some...interesting...things.
Not necessarily pleasant things, either.
Item #1: Made my first-ever 911 call last night. I was coming back from the local convenience store when I spotted a pickup truck lying on its side...in the field. I didn't see anybody near it, so I assumed they were still in the vehicle: the driver's side was on the ground. My guess is it was either a drunk (common out here), or someone had had a seizure/other health complication and lost control. In any case, I dialed emergency, gave out what info (location, etc.) I could - I didn't go up to the vehicle, for reasons I'll shortly explain - and then went home. I didn't want to be in the emergency crews' way, as I was taught that that's one of the worst things you can do in an event.
I hope I did the right thing - it wasn't much, but hopefully it helped. This is a very rural area so there's no telling how long that truck could have been there before somebody spotted it and called for help. I didn't want to go right up to the vehicle, because as I said, interfering with an accident scene is a Very Bad Idea. Paramedics are trained; I'm not. And if God forbid there was something major going on there, I a) wouldn't know what to do about it, and b) I don't need to see blood n' guts. Or, if it was a drunk, for all I know he/she could have had a weapon and might've been in a mood to use it. (There are a LOT of gun nuts out here.) So, better to let the cops/firefighters/ambulance crew handle the situation.
Item #2: Discovered that my high school graduating class has its own Facebollock page and is in the process of preparing a 20-year reunion for the fall season. I noticed that my name was listed amongst the "MIA" crowd. I wonder if they'll be able to track me down. I don't have an FB under my real name. Nor do I have any other identifying presences out there, at least not ones that can be easily found. This is deliberate for several reasons, not least of which is because I don't particularly *want* people from my high school days tracking me down. Even when the 10-year reunion rolled around, they had to send the notification letter to my parents - it was the only contact they came up with.
It's sobering to realize it's been 20 years this month since I got out of high school. Even more sobering to realize that I've also been dealing with chronic depression for at least that long. I just didn't realize it at the time, but by the late 1990s it was in full blast, and was a key factor in me having to drop out of college. (I never graduated. That, and the goddamn math, were the two big things between me and a college diploma. The irony is that I had most of the credits I would have needed to graduate from there.)
I don't have any good memories of high school. I have good memories of my life during those years, yes, but none of them were high school-related. It was just something to endure. I was bullied at worst; ignored at best. I didn't even have an actual friend - I had people who tolerated me that I could at least sit with during lunch period - but none that I could hang out with until about my junior year, and that person and I have long since split ways - we lost touch shortly after graduation and she went out of state to some college. We were never particularly close, but it was nice to be able to have at least one person I could call friendly during those years. I looked her up on FB - her life is radically different than from when I knew her. She married a preacher and had a kid, and is evidently heavily involved in church stuff. (At least it doesn't seem to be the dominionist-type crap.) So we wouldn't have anything in common anymore.
I spent awhile browsing the pages of other peers. Several have become Bible-banger types; at least one appears to be sympathetic to anti-science idiots (there was an anti-evolution video posted on her page). Some look totally different than from how I remember them; a few I couldn't even recognize. Some have not aged well. A few I knew were hard-worn types even back in the old days. (Heavy drinking and carousing will do that to ya.) I found a few of my old enemies: girls and boys who bullied me for no reason, other than that is what bullies do. One almost physically attacked me during 7th grade because I told her friend to "shut up, bitch!" after said friend bullied me! - I remember that incident. If it wasn't for a teacher's timely intervention I'd have been hamburger on the spot, these girls were ready to tear into me. I outweighed the one by probably fifty pounds but I have no doubt that she could have done serious damage to me if she'd ever had the chance. She had a longstanding reputation as a feared fighter; a (former) friend from elementary school had known her very well and used to tell me stories of the things she'd do to people she didn't like. She cornered me once in the school library and physically threatened me, so I made damn sure I never gave her that opportunity - I was carrying a knife to school long before weaponry and shootings became the new norm.
Surprisingly, at least one creeper may have changed for the better; he doesn't look anything like what I would have expected, and there were a few gay-friendly posts on his page. Considering that he was one of the popular jocks back then, this is a major progress. (No, he's not gay himself - he's got a wife and kids and looks pretty solid with 'em.)
Generally though, I'm of the mindset that most bullies don't change. I've dealt with enough of them that this has been my experience. I still have a gut reaction to seeing the names/faces of people who used to give me crap, and I will never, ever trust them any further than I could throw any of them - which is to say, not a whole hell of a lot. There are even a few select assholes whom I will despise to my dying day on account of the sheer crap they put me through. I don't forgive bullies - unless they make a sincere effort to recant their bullshit and acknowledge what they did. Needless to say, the ones who've done that number in the zero-to-single digits. And I know that I can't expect the ones from high school to make this effort.
The only person I forgive is myself, for being naive and gullible at the time - how was I to know any better? I could only cope in the pitiful few ways I knew at the time, which unfortunately never worked or even made the problems worse. One of my lifelong regrets is that I never physically went batshit on some of these people. I honestly do regret never having thrown a single punch to stand up for myself. Hindsight and wisdom really are 20/20.
The teachers weren't much better. Only one ever really bullied me - a douchebag of an English teacher who flat out told my mom to her face that he didn't give a shit whether I flunked or not; said asshole was responsible for my having to spend one summer in summer school, wherein I encountered yet more shitbags - but most of my teachers were content to ignore me (and the feeling was mutual, heh). Even the few that I was friendly with were more concerned about their 'favorites' - students who for whatever reason they just always liked the best (and treated as such).
Most of the teachers didn't want to admit there was a bullying problem; they basically closed ranks around each other and around their pet students if said students were the bullies. I remember one pissant of a pathetic "guidance counselor" whose only major concern was her pet favorites in one of the school social programs. Everything she did revolved around them; she had little time for anybody else, least of all someone like me who tried repeatedly to get the bullying to stop. I did not like her. My parents did not like her. But because of this social program (it was an anti-drug thing) she had clout in the community, so there was nothing to be done.
This is how this same high school was eventually exposed 19 years later in a hazing scandal - they didn't want anything messing with their precious football program, because it's such a huge publicity and money-maker. It makes me wonder what kind of bullshit was going on when I was there, and I will bet you anything that there was shit going down even back then. This is how we've come to have such a bullying problem all over the damn country. Nobody wants to admit there's a problem and the people who are bullied are treated like shit when we complain. I certainly was.
As I got older the bullying somewhat lessened, but there was never a year in that school that I was not bullied by one person or another. Even the *underclassmen* gave me shit! So that's 6 years worth of hell I went through, and yes, to this day, I'm still bitter about it to some degree. My bullies are lucky I didn't turn out to be another Columbiner, and I mean that in all seriousness. My dad has guns - but he is smart enough to keep them unloaded and them and the ammo locked up. And he taught us kids from an early age that these weapons were not toys, ever. If I had had just an ounce less of morality...who knows what might have happened.
If there's anything that I am thankful for from my high school days, it's that I learned how NOT to treat people. I see the reports nowadays of bullying and I feel for all these kids in pain, these kids who kill themselves, cut themselves. I wonder how the hell I made it through. I would never, ever have survived if the internet had been around during my high school days. I wonder how many more kids have to suffer and/or die before people finally fucking get it through their thick skulls that hey, THIS SHIT REALLY FUCKING HURTS! and put an end to this crap once and for all. I'm heartened, though somewhat bittersweet, about the fact that people are noticing, finally, and doing things to create a better environment for kids so they don't have to go through the humiliation, fear and loneliness that I did.
So as far as I'm concerned, my high school can just fuck right off. I did go to the 10-year reunion, and surprisingly, it turned out all right. But I think that's enough for me. I'm not so morbidly curious now that I need to see these people in person again - granted, the bullies aren't likely to be there (they weren't at the 10-year), but the people that will show aren't anyone that I'd have anything in common with. At this point, I'd be an object of pity, if not outright scorn: I have no notable accomplishments or characteristics that would be of interest. Most of these people are married. I'm single - never even so much as kissed anybody. Most of them have kids. I'm childfree. Most if not all of them have jobs; a few are high-profile enough to command a certain level of respect. I'm an unemployable bum who still lives with parents. So...yeah. Not going to set myself up for a potential bag of embarrassment. (Mind you, I was still all of those things at the 10-year, but after 20 years it's less acceptable. I was able to get away with not revealing anything about myself then; I don't think I could pass this time around.)
I've been mostly content to forget about my high school experience, to a degree. The only real reason I'd consider going to this reunion is if I could impress the hell out of everybody in some way - a kind of payback for the way they treated me. "Yeah, bet you wish you'd been nicer to me then, don't ya, fuckers?" That's not likely to happen, barring any miracles (and they'd have to be miracles).
While I have no social life other than what goes on online, I'm not so desperate for attention that I have to spend time with people who couldn't have cared less about me. I was more or less invisible to my peers; I think I'd prefer to stay that way. They don't deserve to know me. I have real friends now - people like Ayinsan, and ladyegreen, and tsutsuji and the_con_cept and eternus_animus and many others whom I may never meet in person, but who have touched me on an important level and have proven themselves to be the kind of friends I'm proud to have.
I had an important revelation about myself last night while watching Get Backers - an episode with Akabane, naturally. I realized that just as Dr. Jackal can be both good and bad - depending on the scenario (helping the rest of the gang find the IL; he's a good ally; smacking Ginji's shit up because he wants to fight him, not so good, heh) - so too can I be both good and bad - and have done so. (Not on Doc's level, of course! But you get the idea.) My high school days bring/brought out the worst in me; my true friends bring out my better side. And like the old proverb goes - and Shido would probably appreciate this one - the side (wolf) that wins is the one that I choose to focus on.
It's taken me 20 years to get to this mental point, but I hope that better days are ahead for me.
Item #1: Made my first-ever 911 call last night. I was coming back from the local convenience store when I spotted a pickup truck lying on its side...in the field. I didn't see anybody near it, so I assumed they were still in the vehicle: the driver's side was on the ground. My guess is it was either a drunk (common out here), or someone had had a seizure/other health complication and lost control. In any case, I dialed emergency, gave out what info (location, etc.) I could - I didn't go up to the vehicle, for reasons I'll shortly explain - and then went home. I didn't want to be in the emergency crews' way, as I was taught that that's one of the worst things you can do in an event.
I hope I did the right thing - it wasn't much, but hopefully it helped. This is a very rural area so there's no telling how long that truck could have been there before somebody spotted it and called for help. I didn't want to go right up to the vehicle, because as I said, interfering with an accident scene is a Very Bad Idea. Paramedics are trained; I'm not. And if God forbid there was something major going on there, I a) wouldn't know what to do about it, and b) I don't need to see blood n' guts. Or, if it was a drunk, for all I know he/she could have had a weapon and might've been in a mood to use it. (There are a LOT of gun nuts out here.) So, better to let the cops/firefighters/ambulance crew handle the situation.
Item #2: Discovered that my high school graduating class has its own Facebollock page and is in the process of preparing a 20-year reunion for the fall season. I noticed that my name was listed amongst the "MIA" crowd. I wonder if they'll be able to track me down. I don't have an FB under my real name. Nor do I have any other identifying presences out there, at least not ones that can be easily found. This is deliberate for several reasons, not least of which is because I don't particularly *want* people from my high school days tracking me down. Even when the 10-year reunion rolled around, they had to send the notification letter to my parents - it was the only contact they came up with.
It's sobering to realize it's been 20 years this month since I got out of high school. Even more sobering to realize that I've also been dealing with chronic depression for at least that long. I just didn't realize it at the time, but by the late 1990s it was in full blast, and was a key factor in me having to drop out of college. (I never graduated. That, and the goddamn math, were the two big things between me and a college diploma. The irony is that I had most of the credits I would have needed to graduate from there.)
I don't have any good memories of high school. I have good memories of my life during those years, yes, but none of them were high school-related. It was just something to endure. I was bullied at worst; ignored at best. I didn't even have an actual friend - I had people who tolerated me that I could at least sit with during lunch period - but none that I could hang out with until about my junior year, and that person and I have long since split ways - we lost touch shortly after graduation and she went out of state to some college. We were never particularly close, but it was nice to be able to have at least one person I could call friendly during those years. I looked her up on FB - her life is radically different than from when I knew her. She married a preacher and had a kid, and is evidently heavily involved in church stuff. (At least it doesn't seem to be the dominionist-type crap.) So we wouldn't have anything in common anymore.
I spent awhile browsing the pages of other peers. Several have become Bible-banger types; at least one appears to be sympathetic to anti-science idiots (there was an anti-evolution video posted on her page). Some look totally different than from how I remember them; a few I couldn't even recognize. Some have not aged well. A few I knew were hard-worn types even back in the old days. (Heavy drinking and carousing will do that to ya.) I found a few of my old enemies: girls and boys who bullied me for no reason, other than that is what bullies do. One almost physically attacked me during 7th grade because I told her friend to "shut up, bitch!" after said friend bullied me! - I remember that incident. If it wasn't for a teacher's timely intervention I'd have been hamburger on the spot, these girls were ready to tear into me. I outweighed the one by probably fifty pounds but I have no doubt that she could have done serious damage to me if she'd ever had the chance. She had a longstanding reputation as a feared fighter; a (former) friend from elementary school had known her very well and used to tell me stories of the things she'd do to people she didn't like. She cornered me once in the school library and physically threatened me, so I made damn sure I never gave her that opportunity - I was carrying a knife to school long before weaponry and shootings became the new norm.
Surprisingly, at least one creeper may have changed for the better; he doesn't look anything like what I would have expected, and there were a few gay-friendly posts on his page. Considering that he was one of the popular jocks back then, this is a major progress. (No, he's not gay himself - he's got a wife and kids and looks pretty solid with 'em.)
Generally though, I'm of the mindset that most bullies don't change. I've dealt with enough of them that this has been my experience. I still have a gut reaction to seeing the names/faces of people who used to give me crap, and I will never, ever trust them any further than I could throw any of them - which is to say, not a whole hell of a lot. There are even a few select assholes whom I will despise to my dying day on account of the sheer crap they put me through. I don't forgive bullies - unless they make a sincere effort to recant their bullshit and acknowledge what they did. Needless to say, the ones who've done that number in the zero-to-single digits. And I know that I can't expect the ones from high school to make this effort.
The only person I forgive is myself, for being naive and gullible at the time - how was I to know any better? I could only cope in the pitiful few ways I knew at the time, which unfortunately never worked or even made the problems worse. One of my lifelong regrets is that I never physically went batshit on some of these people. I honestly do regret never having thrown a single punch to stand up for myself. Hindsight and wisdom really are 20/20.
The teachers weren't much better. Only one ever really bullied me - a douchebag of an English teacher who flat out told my mom to her face that he didn't give a shit whether I flunked or not; said asshole was responsible for my having to spend one summer in summer school, wherein I encountered yet more shitbags - but most of my teachers were content to ignore me (and the feeling was mutual, heh). Even the few that I was friendly with were more concerned about their 'favorites' - students who for whatever reason they just always liked the best (and treated as such).
Most of the teachers didn't want to admit there was a bullying problem; they basically closed ranks around each other and around their pet students if said students were the bullies. I remember one pissant of a pathetic "guidance counselor" whose only major concern was her pet favorites in one of the school social programs. Everything she did revolved around them; she had little time for anybody else, least of all someone like me who tried repeatedly to get the bullying to stop. I did not like her. My parents did not like her. But because of this social program (it was an anti-drug thing) she had clout in the community, so there was nothing to be done.
This is how this same high school was eventually exposed 19 years later in a hazing scandal - they didn't want anything messing with their precious football program, because it's such a huge publicity and money-maker. It makes me wonder what kind of bullshit was going on when I was there, and I will bet you anything that there was shit going down even back then. This is how we've come to have such a bullying problem all over the damn country. Nobody wants to admit there's a problem and the people who are bullied are treated like shit when we complain. I certainly was.
As I got older the bullying somewhat lessened, but there was never a year in that school that I was not bullied by one person or another. Even the *underclassmen* gave me shit! So that's 6 years worth of hell I went through, and yes, to this day, I'm still bitter about it to some degree. My bullies are lucky I didn't turn out to be another Columbiner, and I mean that in all seriousness. My dad has guns - but he is smart enough to keep them unloaded and them and the ammo locked up. And he taught us kids from an early age that these weapons were not toys, ever. If I had had just an ounce less of morality...who knows what might have happened.
If there's anything that I am thankful for from my high school days, it's that I learned how NOT to treat people. I see the reports nowadays of bullying and I feel for all these kids in pain, these kids who kill themselves, cut themselves. I wonder how the hell I made it through. I would never, ever have survived if the internet had been around during my high school days. I wonder how many more kids have to suffer and/or die before people finally fucking get it through their thick skulls that hey, THIS SHIT REALLY FUCKING HURTS! and put an end to this crap once and for all. I'm heartened, though somewhat bittersweet, about the fact that people are noticing, finally, and doing things to create a better environment for kids so they don't have to go through the humiliation, fear and loneliness that I did.
So as far as I'm concerned, my high school can just fuck right off. I did go to the 10-year reunion, and surprisingly, it turned out all right. But I think that's enough for me. I'm not so morbidly curious now that I need to see these people in person again - granted, the bullies aren't likely to be there (they weren't at the 10-year), but the people that will show aren't anyone that I'd have anything in common with. At this point, I'd be an object of pity, if not outright scorn: I have no notable accomplishments or characteristics that would be of interest. Most of these people are married. I'm single - never even so much as kissed anybody. Most of them have kids. I'm childfree. Most if not all of them have jobs; a few are high-profile enough to command a certain level of respect. I'm an unemployable bum who still lives with parents. So...yeah. Not going to set myself up for a potential bag of embarrassment. (Mind you, I was still all of those things at the 10-year, but after 20 years it's less acceptable. I was able to get away with not revealing anything about myself then; I don't think I could pass this time around.)
I've been mostly content to forget about my high school experience, to a degree. The only real reason I'd consider going to this reunion is if I could impress the hell out of everybody in some way - a kind of payback for the way they treated me. "Yeah, bet you wish you'd been nicer to me then, don't ya, fuckers?" That's not likely to happen, barring any miracles (and they'd have to be miracles).
While I have no social life other than what goes on online, I'm not so desperate for attention that I have to spend time with people who couldn't have cared less about me. I was more or less invisible to my peers; I think I'd prefer to stay that way. They don't deserve to know me. I have real friends now - people like Ayinsan, and ladyegreen, and tsutsuji and the_con_cept and eternus_animus and many others whom I may never meet in person, but who have touched me on an important level and have proven themselves to be the kind of friends I'm proud to have.
I had an important revelation about myself last night while watching Get Backers - an episode with Akabane, naturally. I realized that just as Dr. Jackal can be both good and bad - depending on the scenario (helping the rest of the gang find the IL; he's a good ally; smacking Ginji's shit up because he wants to fight him, not so good, heh) - so too can I be both good and bad - and have done so. (Not on Doc's level, of course! But you get the idea.) My high school days bring/brought out the worst in me; my true friends bring out my better side. And like the old proverb goes - and Shido would probably appreciate this one - the side (wolf) that wins is the one that I choose to focus on.
It's taken me 20 years to get to this mental point, but I hope that better days are ahead for me.