Things are bad.
It's been a bad week, kids:
- I'm about to stir the shit on FB. Just now I spotted a shitty pro-Mike Fuckwitbee link that my brother and SIL posted stating "Defund Planned Parenthood!". I was so incensed I couldn't help myself: I fired off a pissed retort saying "You know they do a helluva lot more than just abortions, right? And that poor people like me have to rely on them for tests because we can't afford 'regular' medical care? There never has been nor will there ever be federal funding for abortions ((note: this bit I didn't post: 'which IMO I have no problem with')) because of the Hyde Amendment."
*sigh* This is exactly why I didn't want to get on FB. I told myself I wasn't gonna say anything on their FBs despite the heavy load of Bible-banging, gay-hating, pro-racist, anti-choice, pro-Catholic-pedophile-supporting-Church crap. All I can say is that a) I FUCKING HATE IGNORANCE, and b) I'm in a shitty mood because of how crappy this week has been and that just triggered me.
- We lost another chicken, and wouldn't you know it, it was one of my favorites: Hedwig, the one who looked like the Harry Potter owl. :( Several days ago we noticed she wasn't acting right, and upon further investigation, discovered she had what at first I thought were *maggots* by her anus. Mom said they were worms, so she bought some dewormer and we tried feeding her that, but evidently the infestation was too serious - or else I screwed up and overdosed her - because Dad said this morning she was dead. :( (My current guess leans toward infestation, because yesterday she was really acting listless and barely ate any of the wet oatmeal I tried to feed her.) We have no idea how long she'd had the damn things or how she could have gotten them. As a precaution, we're feeding the dewormer to the others, though we can't use the eggs now for a while as the label warns against doing so.
- Have been having another mood attack wherein I feel a lot of thoughts about killing myself - not necessarily right at the moment. This goes back to my aforementioned 5-year plan (which by now would be closer to 3 years, since I said 40 was the deadline - no pun intended). The closer the move to the Shoebox gets, the more dread I feel - and it's probably not too far now, because there is running water in the place and Dad says as soon as the official inspection passes, things will start happening.
I just can't stand this isolation. I don't have friends I can hang out with (except Ayinsan, and that's dependent on when she has free time). I don't have any money. Can't get a job - I am virtually unemployable at this point. Don't even have a goddamn car I can use (except for the folks', and again, that depends on whether they're using it and/or it has enough gas). It's been 8 months now with no internet and no car. To say this shit is wearing very thinly on my nerves is putting it lightly.
The older I get, the more alone and hopeless and helpless I feel. And that's why I want to kill myself before things get so bad that I completely lose it. I can't do 'normal' the way other people can. I don't know if I haven't tried hard enough - and I have tried, believe me - or what, but I just cannot seem to get any headway so it feels like the only thing left to do is to forfeit. (And hope I don't get my face smashed in too hard when I have to face eternal judgment. I may not have any use for organized religions but I do still believe in a God.) I'm not likely to do anything for a while though, IF I can ever work up the guts to do it that is.
So that's the latest.
- I'm about to stir the shit on FB. Just now I spotted a shitty pro-Mike Fuckwitbee link that my brother and SIL posted stating "Defund Planned Parenthood!". I was so incensed I couldn't help myself: I fired off a pissed retort saying "You know they do a helluva lot more than just abortions, right? And that poor people like me have to rely on them for tests because we can't afford 'regular' medical care? There never has been nor will there ever be federal funding for abortions ((note: this bit I didn't post: 'which IMO I have no problem with')) because of the Hyde Amendment."
*sigh* This is exactly why I didn't want to get on FB. I told myself I wasn't gonna say anything on their FBs despite the heavy load of Bible-banging, gay-hating, pro-racist, anti-choice, pro-Catholic-pedophile-supporting-Church crap. All I can say is that a) I FUCKING HATE IGNORANCE, and b) I'm in a shitty mood because of how crappy this week has been and that just triggered me.
- We lost another chicken, and wouldn't you know it, it was one of my favorites: Hedwig, the one who looked like the Harry Potter owl. :( Several days ago we noticed she wasn't acting right, and upon further investigation, discovered she had what at first I thought were *maggots* by her anus. Mom said they were worms, so she bought some dewormer and we tried feeding her that, but evidently the infestation was too serious - or else I screwed up and overdosed her - because Dad said this morning she was dead. :( (My current guess leans toward infestation, because yesterday she was really acting listless and barely ate any of the wet oatmeal I tried to feed her.) We have no idea how long she'd had the damn things or how she could have gotten them. As a precaution, we're feeding the dewormer to the others, though we can't use the eggs now for a while as the label warns against doing so.
- Have been having another mood attack wherein I feel a lot of thoughts about killing myself - not necessarily right at the moment. This goes back to my aforementioned 5-year plan (which by now would be closer to 3 years, since I said 40 was the deadline - no pun intended). The closer the move to the Shoebox gets, the more dread I feel - and it's probably not too far now, because there is running water in the place and Dad says as soon as the official inspection passes, things will start happening.
I just can't stand this isolation. I don't have friends I can hang out with (except Ayinsan, and that's dependent on when she has free time). I don't have any money. Can't get a job - I am virtually unemployable at this point. Don't even have a goddamn car I can use (except for the folks', and again, that depends on whether they're using it and/or it has enough gas). It's been 8 months now with no internet and no car. To say this shit is wearing very thinly on my nerves is putting it lightly.
The older I get, the more alone and hopeless and helpless I feel. And that's why I want to kill myself before things get so bad that I completely lose it. I can't do 'normal' the way other people can. I don't know if I haven't tried hard enough - and I have tried, believe me - or what, but I just cannot seem to get any headway so it feels like the only thing left to do is to forfeit. (And hope I don't get my face smashed in too hard when I have to face eternal judgment. I may not have any use for organized religions but I do still believe in a God.) I'm not likely to do anything for a while though, IF I can ever work up the guts to do it that is.
So that's the latest.