What is the sound of brain cells dying?
It's the sound they made last night when I picked up 50 Shades of Suck: 50 Shades Suckier again and attempted to wade through more of its muck. X_x Seriously, I don't know if I can finish this book, the crap just gets worse with every page...
Top three things that REALLY piss me off about this tripe:
- James' tendency to name-drop and price-name. She throws around Gucci bags and $3000 shoes like dustballs. As if we're supposed to be impressed. Bitch, for 3K, those goddamn shoes better CARRY me instead of me having to walk on them. (And given my current situation, reading shit like this is just downright insulting and enrages me all the more.)
- The characters. I've eaten cardboard that had more substance to it than these idiots. (Said cardboard was pretending to be pizza and failed miserably; it was unworthy of being called pizza. Not surprisingly the joint that produced it went out of business a mere 3 months after opening. This was many years ago.) Everyone in this book is not just beautiful, they're ASTOUNDINGLY beautiful. Except of course for the female rivals, who are portrayed as having once been pretty but who are now haggard wrecks who act all stereotypically bitchy because of OMG HOW PERFECT Christian Suckbag Grey is and the fact that they're no longer with him. Everyone is either sickeningly wealthy, or is at least medium well-off for finances. Even dipshit Ana, who before she started getting all these expensive goodies, made enough bank to afford her own means. (Who wants to bet that CG gives her a raise now that he's bought out her company?) NONE of these jackasses are even remotely interesting. Even their angst is pathetic. Ana: O NOES I WAS NEVER A CHEERLEADER. O NOES I HAVE A RICH BOYFRIEND WHO GIVES ME INSANELY EXPENSIVE GIFTS. CG: WOE IS ME WITH MY WED WOOM OF PWAIN. WOE I CAN'T STALK MY GIRLFRIEND IN HORRIFYINGLY CREEPTASTIC WAYS WHEN I WANT. I hate these people. Hate. HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.
- James' tendency to drop f-bombs for shock value and act as though sex scenes are OMG SHOCK. Newsflash, nitwit: cold ice cream in the vag does not sound sexy, it sounds COLD and is a perfect recipe for one hell of a yeast infection. Ayinsan and I were discussing the swearing earlier (today is Happy Fun Day, and many cookies will be sacrificed later on tonight!), and she (who has managed to survive reading the first book in the abominable series) agreed that this is all the air of someone who is trying (and failing miserably) too hard to sound worldly and cool. Or, as Ayinsan so aptly put it, "You gotta earn your 'fucks,' lady." >:)
--
Proof positive that stress warps your brain: Mallwart did not, in fact, overcharge me for something I thought I hadn't bought. That $3.56? WAS the 16-lb bag of litter I got for KC and Boo; the 9.98 was actually their 16-lb bag of food. The way it printed out on the receipt, I thought that I'd been charged incorrectly (some products aren't named the way they should be or the way you'd think they would be, when the readout comes up), when actually everything rang up right. Thankfully I realized my mistake *before* I drove back all the way to the store. *sigh* I can't brain anymore. :p
Top three things that REALLY piss me off about this tripe:
- James' tendency to name-drop and price-name. She throws around Gucci bags and $3000 shoes like dustballs. As if we're supposed to be impressed. Bitch, for 3K, those goddamn shoes better CARRY me instead of me having to walk on them. (And given my current situation, reading shit like this is just downright insulting and enrages me all the more.)
- The characters. I've eaten cardboard that had more substance to it than these idiots. (Said cardboard was pretending to be pizza and failed miserably; it was unworthy of being called pizza. Not surprisingly the joint that produced it went out of business a mere 3 months after opening. This was many years ago.) Everyone in this book is not just beautiful, they're ASTOUNDINGLY beautiful. Except of course for the female rivals, who are portrayed as having once been pretty but who are now haggard wrecks who act all stereotypically bitchy because of OMG HOW PERFECT Christian Suckbag Grey is and the fact that they're no longer with him. Everyone is either sickeningly wealthy, or is at least medium well-off for finances. Even dipshit Ana, who before she started getting all these expensive goodies, made enough bank to afford her own means. (Who wants to bet that CG gives her a raise now that he's bought out her company?) NONE of these jackasses are even remotely interesting. Even their angst is pathetic. Ana: O NOES I WAS NEVER A CHEERLEADER. O NOES I HAVE A RICH BOYFRIEND WHO GIVES ME INSANELY EXPENSIVE GIFTS. CG: WOE IS ME WITH MY WED WOOM OF PWAIN. WOE I CAN'T STALK MY GIRLFRIEND IN HORRIFYINGLY CREEPTASTIC WAYS WHEN I WANT. I hate these people. Hate. HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.
- James' tendency to drop f-bombs for shock value and act as though sex scenes are OMG SHOCK. Newsflash, nitwit: cold ice cream in the vag does not sound sexy, it sounds COLD and is a perfect recipe for one hell of a yeast infection. Ayinsan and I were discussing the swearing earlier (today is Happy Fun Day, and many cookies will be sacrificed later on tonight!), and she (who has managed to survive reading the first book in the abominable series) agreed that this is all the air of someone who is trying (and failing miserably) too hard to sound worldly and cool. Or, as Ayinsan so aptly put it, "You gotta earn your 'fucks,' lady." >:)
--
Proof positive that stress warps your brain: Mallwart did not, in fact, overcharge me for something I thought I hadn't bought. That $3.56? WAS the 16-lb bag of litter I got for KC and Boo; the 9.98 was actually their 16-lb bag of food. The way it printed out on the receipt, I thought that I'd been charged incorrectly (some products aren't named the way they should be or the way you'd think they would be, when the readout comes up), when actually everything rang up right. Thankfully I realized my mistake *before* I drove back all the way to the store. *sigh* I can't brain anymore. :p