I'm in a good mood, but...
...that somehow means it's time for MOST HATED PHONE HABITS, PART DEUX or, alternatively, How to Learn Phone Etiquette and Quit Being a Fucking Douche (it never ends).
Pet Peeve #7: Repeating unnecessarily, and also saying things more than once without needing to
As someone who has to spend all day listening to people talk without the gratuitous fees a psychiatrist could charge, I have to have double the patience. But this patience flies right out the window when your conversation runs as follows:
"I'm going to say something. And then I'm going to say it again. I'm going to repeat myself. I'm repeating. I'm saying something repeatedly. To repeat something you're saying is to repeat. When you're saying something, and repeating, you're saying something again. I'm saying something more than once. Again, I'm saying something, and again, I'm repeating. I'M REPEATING SOMETHING. Saying something more than once is repeating. Repeatedly saying something is to say it more than once. And if you're saying something more than once, you're saying something. More than once."
QUIT WASTING MY FUCKING TIME. I cannot believe how many people actually talk like this. Don't get me wrong- I'm pretty longwinded because I'm verbose and often confused. My mother, on the other hand, is longwinded because she's a natural storyteller and she embellishes things. But these people? It's almost like a neurosis. They are incapable of saying one sentence and being done with it. I have (and this is decidedly NOT an exaggeration) heard people go on for a good minute or two saying the same thing, over and over and over and over and over. Here's a tip: if the person you're talking to didn't get it the first couple times around, they aren't going to get it the 105th either. Shut. Up.
Pet Peeve #8: Speaking in double digits
It seems ridiculous, but it's true. Double digits are awful. It is my job to outdial quickly, and I get reprimanded if I'm caught being a slowpoke.
To be honest, this wouldn't be a pet peeve at all if people were nice. But they aren't nice. Because this is what happens: someone says, "14." The word 'fourteen' starts with 'four,' which of course mentally translates as '4' and my finger has already pushed the button. Then you continue on saying the rest of your number, while I'm backspacing, recording everything you're saying in my short term memory, and hoping that I haven't messed up- because may all deities forbid that I ever, ever ask you to repeat yourself. Even if I preface it with something really obsequious like, "I'm so sorry, I want to make sure I have this right for you; could you please repeat the number?", people get irritated and think one or all of the following (this also goes for people who say all the digits like they're one word, eg "seveneightnine" instead of "seven, eight, nine"):
-I'm stupid
-I'm not doing my job
-I'm doing it purposely
-the world is against them
-maybe yelling will help
Once, after asking to verify the number, a person told me that if I never paid attention to anything, then I wouldn't get anywhere in life. And addressed me, quite patronizingly, as "honey."
I'd also like to add here that they said it several times, a la PP #7.
Pet Peeve #9: Inappropriate usage of answering machine/voicemail recordings
There are so many possible subcategories to this pet peeve you don't even know, but I'll stick with the major ones. The reason I call these 'inappropriate' is because if you're not there to answer the phone, and what I have to say is important - or really, anyone trying to reach you - a message has to be left. In order to leave a message, one is forced to hear everything that you've recording. There are oh, so many ways to be offensive. So let's get started!
9a). Music.
Look guys, it's bad enough when people have bad music as a ringtone. Vivaldi is a popular one, for sure, and I don't mind listening to him several times a day. Vivaldi was dynamic. But I get really fed up when I have to hear that I miss you, don't you know I miss you, so kiss me through the phone! kiss me through the phone! kiss me through the phone! , or that I'm sitting in the sand, god is great and I got a beer in my hand. That is horrific enough, especially when I get little snippets of these songs in my head, songs I'd never have to hear if you didn't spend your money on crappy ringtones. But then, the voicemail picks up. And hark, IT'S ANOTHER OF YOUR OMGZ!!1! FAVERIT SONGZ!
Have you ever wondered how long your cell phone will let you record your voicemail greeting? Well, wonder no more: it's a long fucking time! I've never actually figured it out, but I'd say perhaps a whole minute. That might not seem like too long, but when you're listening to a bad song coming through a cell phone that was held up to a stereo? YOU GROW GREY HAIRS. Yet there's nothing that can be done. That's why I find it offensive- it's crossing the line from expressing yourself to forcing other people to listen.
Not to mention that it doesn't say what number was dialed, or even anything about who you are. Except that you're a massive douchebag with no respect for other people's sensibilities.
9b). Religion. I...I don't have the words to express the incredulity, exasperation, nigh on hatred, and morbid fascination I feel concerning the fact that about 7 times out of ten, personalized recordings include Christianity.
Seriously, what the fuck. Here are some of the usuals:
"Have a blessed day."
"God bless you."
"Bless this day the Lord has made."
"May God bless you real good."
"Praise the Lord."
I mean, really? Really? There is little that's more disconcerting than hearing a machine run thusly:
"Hello! You've reached Joe Schmoe. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave your name and number and a brief message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Jesus is our savior."
This sort of thing is shocking on two levels. One, because it's a complete non sequitur to me. Two, because to them, it isn't. I suppose for some of them it's just...what they say. Especially "Have a blessed day." I've heard that from all over the country, though sure, most usually in the South. Yet for many of them, such as the last couple examples, it simply comes off as proselytizing. Failing that, just plain old guilt (what Christians do best, oo-rah).
To be honest, it's possible I get guilt associations because I am, in fact, a recovering Catholic. But it's kind of hard not to feel it anyway when someone says, "DON'T FORGET TO BLESS THIS DAY THE LORD HAS MADE!!", because it sort of implies that if you don't, you're going to hell. You're eeeevvviiiillllll. Maybe even with a capital 'E'. And then of course my mind goes off on all these philosophical and philological tangents, and why you never, ever, ever should use a religious imperative on someone else, and how the bible is like every other mythological text, why the hell do you think you're so righteous and all the while there's still a part of my brain that's going, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? I CALLED TO LEAVE A MESSAGE, NOT GET A FUCKING HEADACHE.
To sum up, if you're trying to figure out what to put on your answering machine or voicemail recording, ask yourself these questions:
-Is this sentence completely necessary?
-Could this offend someone?
-Is it too long?
-What bothers me about other people's recordings?
-If a potential (and busy!) employer calls, what do I want them to hear?
For the record, I use the automated voicemail with my name in the middle. It's personalized, but still...impersonal. It tells people what they need to know, no more, no less.
Okay, so that last part got really 'srs bsns,' but it truly bothers me, and I think everyone should be more aware of the others around them. And sure, that's including myself. People don't tend to think about little things like their voicemail because it's usually their friends or family that are calling, and chances are they enjoy the same music or have the same religious beliefs. But the world is diverse, guys, and your friends aren't the only people dialing your number.
Thus concludes Part Deux. Until next time, your loyal local phone operator.
Pet Peeve #7: Repeating unnecessarily, and also saying things more than once without needing to
As someone who has to spend all day listening to people talk without the gratuitous fees a psychiatrist could charge, I have to have double the patience. But this patience flies right out the window when your conversation runs as follows:
"I'm going to say something. And then I'm going to say it again. I'm going to repeat myself. I'm repeating. I'm saying something repeatedly. To repeat something you're saying is to repeat. When you're saying something, and repeating, you're saying something again. I'm saying something more than once. Again, I'm saying something, and again, I'm repeating. I'M REPEATING SOMETHING. Saying something more than once is repeating. Repeatedly saying something is to say it more than once. And if you're saying something more than once, you're saying something. More than once."
QUIT WASTING MY FUCKING TIME. I cannot believe how many people actually talk like this. Don't get me wrong- I'm pretty longwinded because I'm verbose and often confused. My mother, on the other hand, is longwinded because she's a natural storyteller and she embellishes things. But these people? It's almost like a neurosis. They are incapable of saying one sentence and being done with it. I have (and this is decidedly NOT an exaggeration) heard people go on for a good minute or two saying the same thing, over and over and over and over and over. Here's a tip: if the person you're talking to didn't get it the first couple times around, they aren't going to get it the 105th either. Shut. Up.
Pet Peeve #8: Speaking in double digits
It seems ridiculous, but it's true. Double digits are awful. It is my job to outdial quickly, and I get reprimanded if I'm caught being a slowpoke.
To be honest, this wouldn't be a pet peeve at all if people were nice. But they aren't nice. Because this is what happens: someone says, "14." The word 'fourteen' starts with 'four,' which of course mentally translates as '4' and my finger has already pushed the button. Then you continue on saying the rest of your number, while I'm backspacing, recording everything you're saying in my short term memory, and hoping that I haven't messed up- because may all deities forbid that I ever, ever ask you to repeat yourself. Even if I preface it with something really obsequious like, "I'm so sorry, I want to make sure I have this right for you; could you please repeat the number?", people get irritated and think one or all of the following (this also goes for people who say all the digits like they're one word, eg "seveneightnine" instead of "seven, eight, nine"):
-I'm stupid
-I'm not doing my job
-I'm doing it purposely
-the world is against them
-maybe yelling will help
Once, after asking to verify the number, a person told me that if I never paid attention to anything, then I wouldn't get anywhere in life. And addressed me, quite patronizingly, as "honey."
I'd also like to add here that they said it several times, a la PP #7.
Pet Peeve #9: Inappropriate usage of answering machine/voicemail recordings
There are so many possible subcategories to this pet peeve you don't even know, but I'll stick with the major ones. The reason I call these 'inappropriate' is because if you're not there to answer the phone, and what I have to say is important - or really, anyone trying to reach you - a message has to be left. In order to leave a message, one is forced to hear everything that you've recording. There are oh, so many ways to be offensive. So let's get started!
9a). Music.
Look guys, it's bad enough when people have bad music as a ringtone. Vivaldi is a popular one, for sure, and I don't mind listening to him several times a day. Vivaldi was dynamic. But I get really fed up when I have to hear that I miss you, don't you know I miss you, so kiss me through the phone! kiss me through the phone! kiss me through the phone! , or that I'm sitting in the sand, god is great and I got a beer in my hand. That is horrific enough, especially when I get little snippets of these songs in my head, songs I'd never have to hear if you didn't spend your money on crappy ringtones. But then, the voicemail picks up. And hark, IT'S ANOTHER OF YOUR OMGZ!!1! FAVERIT SONGZ!
Have you ever wondered how long your cell phone will let you record your voicemail greeting? Well, wonder no more: it's a long fucking time! I've never actually figured it out, but I'd say perhaps a whole minute. That might not seem like too long, but when you're listening to a bad song coming through a cell phone that was held up to a stereo? YOU GROW GREY HAIRS. Yet there's nothing that can be done. That's why I find it offensive- it's crossing the line from expressing yourself to forcing other people to listen.
Not to mention that it doesn't say what number was dialed, or even anything about who you are. Except that you're a massive douchebag with no respect for other people's sensibilities.
9b). Religion. I...I don't have the words to express the incredulity, exasperation, nigh on hatred, and morbid fascination I feel concerning the fact that about 7 times out of ten, personalized recordings include Christianity.
Seriously, what the fuck. Here are some of the usuals:
"Have a blessed day."
"God bless you."
"Bless this day the Lord has made."
"May God bless you real good."
"Praise the Lord."
I mean, really? Really? There is little that's more disconcerting than hearing a machine run thusly:
"Hello! You've reached Joe Schmoe. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave your name and number and a brief message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Jesus is our savior."
This sort of thing is shocking on two levels. One, because it's a complete non sequitur to me. Two, because to them, it isn't. I suppose for some of them it's just...what they say. Especially "Have a blessed day." I've heard that from all over the country, though sure, most usually in the South. Yet for many of them, such as the last couple examples, it simply comes off as proselytizing. Failing that, just plain old guilt (what Christians do best, oo-rah).
To be honest, it's possible I get guilt associations because I am, in fact, a recovering Catholic. But it's kind of hard not to feel it anyway when someone says, "DON'T FORGET TO BLESS THIS DAY THE LORD HAS MADE!!", because it sort of implies that if you don't, you're going to hell. You're eeeevvviiiillllll. Maybe even with a capital 'E'. And then of course my mind goes off on all these philosophical and philological tangents, and why you never, ever, ever should use a religious imperative on someone else, and how the bible is like every other mythological text, why the hell do you think you're so righteous and all the while there's still a part of my brain that's going, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? I CALLED TO LEAVE A MESSAGE, NOT GET A FUCKING HEADACHE.
To sum up, if you're trying to figure out what to put on your answering machine or voicemail recording, ask yourself these questions:
-Is this sentence completely necessary?
-Could this offend someone?
-Is it too long?
-What bothers me about other people's recordings?
-If a potential (and busy!) employer calls, what do I want them to hear?
For the record, I use the automated voicemail with my name in the middle. It's personalized, but still...impersonal. It tells people what they need to know, no more, no less.
Okay, so that last part got really 'srs bsns,' but it truly bothers me, and I think everyone should be more aware of the others around them. And sure, that's including myself. People don't tend to think about little things like their voicemail because it's usually their friends or family that are calling, and chances are they enjoy the same music or have the same religious beliefs. But the world is diverse, guys, and your friends aren't the only people dialing your number.
Thus concludes Part Deux. Until next time, your loyal local phone operator.