'i'll give you nights full of passion and days of adventure...'
Didn't I say I was done blogging my emotions for the world?
Sometimes my emotions come in too strongly for such a thing.
"Do you want to kiss me?" It was early in the morning, and I woke with someone beside me, after a night of movies and talking and friendship and being two of the only people left in the whole world, or so it felt.
Those words began a whirlwind romance that lasted less than a week, or lasted a whole summer, or lasted even longer - time will tell. But Ithaca is so lonely without him. It's not that I'm in love, because I'm not allowed to be. Time hasn't passed enough, despite the fact that we spent three nights that bled into days in bed together, evenings talking and nights just existing (with very little sleeping!), and days enjoying being together, and they always say that you can't help but fall in love with your first - but I think maybe he loves me a little, too (or feels this, whatever it is). If nothing else, we saved each other during this past week that would have been terribly lonely, and was amazing and beautiful with him. The scariest thought I'm having these days is that all his words of missing me, everything he's said about feeling lonely and wishing I was around...not that it's lies, because I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't lie just to get the girl...but that I'll change with summer, the feeling will fade - either from my end or his. I want to keep this for as long as I can.
If I don't get a job, I'm supposed to visit him in Maryland in about a month. And then, hopefully, a visit to Ithaca after that - or two. I wish I'd been able to get that job in Ithaca, but, no. I've been wishing that for a long time, though, and this only makes it worse. I'm hoping to get a job in the city, at this point, because that would put me only a few hours from Ithaca. But the job down the shore seems so likely right now, and that's impossible in general for visits.
Okay. Fuck it. Maybe this is a hint of love. But it's overwhelming to the point of painful, and that's the loneliness, the not having anyone or anything to keep me company except my job. That's being bored with WoW after spending a week denying it for him. That's not being able to care about a game after experiencing such amazing, such wonderful and fun and light and life for a week long. That's wishing that summer could have just been this past week on repeat: a job for the days and a lover for the nights.
This hurts, but not in the way that it usually hurts. It's just an emptiness, a longing.
For what it's worth - I wish you were here, to enjoy the fountains and hold me at night and wake me up at 4:30 just so that you don't have to waste a minute with me, as much as I hate you for not letting me sleep. To give me the incentive to keep my room clean, and keep me out of my fantasy video game world of self indulgence. To make me smile.
I miss you.
Sometimes my emotions come in too strongly for such a thing.
"Do you want to kiss me?" It was early in the morning, and I woke with someone beside me, after a night of movies and talking and friendship and being two of the only people left in the whole world, or so it felt.
Those words began a whirlwind romance that lasted less than a week, or lasted a whole summer, or lasted even longer - time will tell. But Ithaca is so lonely without him. It's not that I'm in love, because I'm not allowed to be. Time hasn't passed enough, despite the fact that we spent three nights that bled into days in bed together, evenings talking and nights just existing (with very little sleeping!), and days enjoying being together, and they always say that you can't help but fall in love with your first - but I think maybe he loves me a little, too (or feels this, whatever it is). If nothing else, we saved each other during this past week that would have been terribly lonely, and was amazing and beautiful with him. The scariest thought I'm having these days is that all his words of missing me, everything he's said about feeling lonely and wishing I was around...not that it's lies, because I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't lie just to get the girl...but that I'll change with summer, the feeling will fade - either from my end or his. I want to keep this for as long as I can.
If I don't get a job, I'm supposed to visit him in Maryland in about a month. And then, hopefully, a visit to Ithaca after that - or two. I wish I'd been able to get that job in Ithaca, but, no. I've been wishing that for a long time, though, and this only makes it worse. I'm hoping to get a job in the city, at this point, because that would put me only a few hours from Ithaca. But the job down the shore seems so likely right now, and that's impossible in general for visits.
Okay. Fuck it. Maybe this is a hint of love. But it's overwhelming to the point of painful, and that's the loneliness, the not having anyone or anything to keep me company except my job. That's being bored with WoW after spending a week denying it for him. That's not being able to care about a game after experiencing such amazing, such wonderful and fun and light and life for a week long. That's wishing that summer could have just been this past week on repeat: a job for the days and a lover for the nights.
This hurts, but not in the way that it usually hurts. It's just an emptiness, a longing.
For what it's worth - I wish you were here, to enjoy the fountains and hold me at night and wake me up at 4:30 just so that you don't have to waste a minute with me, as much as I hate you for not letting me sleep. To give me the incentive to keep my room clean, and keep me out of my fantasy video game world of self indulgence. To make me smile.
I miss you.