(no subject)
So people often look back on their life, especially their young adult years, and refer to them as "the year of (blank)". Usually blank is a certain subject in college, maybe a boyfriend, something like that. I have a feeling that Elizabeth and I are going to look back to our junior year and remember it as the year of Dance Dance Revolution. That's right, not the year of internships, hot boys, or studying. . . the year of DDR. It's funny, too, because I'm convinced that every other apartment has a larger tv then us, so we practically have to squint to see the arrows (it's not that bad, but it's amusing). While we're on the topic of amusing things, we also own Halo. I know, I know, the four least likely people to ever play Halo have it in their apartment. There inlies the amusement. Maybe we'll learn just so we can talk about it around guys and get a funny reaction. . . I can see it now. . . "remember when we were playing Halo last night and we finally got to that one part?" Anyway, all I can say is that I am now even happier that we're on the bottom floor. Most people want to be upstairs so they don't have to hear the people above them, I want to be downstairs so I don't bother the people below me. . . this is even more important now that we go THUMP THUMP THUMP playing DDR at all hours of the night.
I'm back at school. August has been a crazy month. I finished up camp at Culver, which was great minus the drama and a certain situation, went home for a few days, went to Utah for family time and Janssen's wedding, went back home, went to the lake with Al, Matthew and Brandon, spent time with Abby and James, and came back to school. OH, and I had pneumonia for most of that time.
Apartment life is good. We're pretty much settled except for decorations in the living room. . . and the big pile of junk that's under sheets to disguise it (and is larger than a couch) that we are hoping to put in storage. The exciting part is that I got to buy a vacuum, a mop, broom, dustpan, toilet bowl cleaner, soft scrub!!!! (gotta love the smell), windex, pledge, dust rags, wash cloths, sponges, bucket, a new vacuum for my car, and the list goes on. How I love to clean. And I made a chore rotation for us! Yay!
I started working again, and I think most of the drama is taken care of. I barely know anyone there now since everyone quit or got fired, but the new people seem actually pretty good, fun, and semi-intelligent to boot. Everyone there thinks I'm like 25, which is funny for someone who usually has people guessing that they are younger than they really are, and that their younger sister is older than them. I got a raise, so that's another plus. Look at that, a whole paragraph, nice and positive, go me.
I sorta had another mid-life crisis/ emotional breakdown last week. Just the whole fun feeling like no one here understands me. The first All-School Communion was really good, but like always, it made me think a lot (as if I don't do that enough already) and get pretty emotional. It was about how our goal is to glorify God and so everything we do should be pushing us toward accomplishing that goal. I've realigned my priorities a lot since high school and am very conscientious of how I spend my time since I don't want to waste it. But lots of times I feel like I am. What really matters? What's important? Glorifying God, but I don't really know how to do that. I know it's more about the status of your heart than what exactly you're doing, but I still just worry that I'm not doing it right. Well, I know I'm not, but I want to. . . hence the frustration. I know I need to trust God, and I can say I do, and I can want to, but when it comes down to it, do I want the control or can I really trust God? I trust God because He knows a heck of a lot more about my life than I do and He's got a plan that I can't see, but do I really trust Him? I think too many people just assume that they do. Either that or everyone else does and I just suck at trusting because I've never experienced trusting someone without having them lose my trust. I've learned a lot since I've been at Wheaton, and I know that I will continue to grow. But I just see that I have flaws, and I am so eager to fix them that I get frustrated and depressed when I can't immediately change my weaknesses. There have been so many things that I have changed after hearing it thousands of times. . . and then it will just click. And it clicks in God's timing. But I'm impatient because I want to be the best person I can be and do the right thing all the time. And then there's relationships. I love people. I love to get deep with people, I strive for emotional intimacy, and it seems like everyone I get really deep with ends up being taken out of my life for some reason or another, and I can't be close to them anymore. Some people explain this by saying that I put those people above God and so God is making me depend solely on Him. The way I see it is that I feel close to God through the people that I'm close to, because I think He uses those people to show His love for me in a more tangible way, and I learn and grow by having those people in my life. It just sucks when I feel like I care so much about people and then they end up hurting me so much. So I've felt pretty lonely lately, which is no fun. I feel like I don't really enjoy anything anymore except relationships and God. I don't really have any hobbies. In a way I think that means that I'm depressed, in a way I think that means that I understand that things on this earth are unimportant. Something to think about. Maybe DDR is the answer to my lack of hobbies. . . excercise, coordination, music. . .
Oh yeah, classes. Marketing, Intermediate Microeconomics, New Testament, Psychology. Back in the day I'd go into details about what each class and prof is like, but I'm done caring about that these days. It just doesn't really matter. I go to class, I learn, do homework, and hopefully will get good enough grades to get a diploma and then a good job. That's it.
I had some really good conversations this week. . . with Joe, Josh Bailey (who's my neighbor now! and my highly emotional friend who likes deep conversations ALL the time), Devin, some random guy at church who asked me how about my experience at Wheaton and got an earful, and Mike. It was especially good to talk to Mike, and I feel like he understands me better than anyone here right now. I'm really grateful for these people. . . I appreciate their encouragement and them caring so much, and I know it can be draining to listen to me. I don't know how Ben does it all the time. . .
I'm back at school. August has been a crazy month. I finished up camp at Culver, which was great minus the drama and a certain situation, went home for a few days, went to Utah for family time and Janssen's wedding, went back home, went to the lake with Al, Matthew and Brandon, spent time with Abby and James, and came back to school. OH, and I had pneumonia for most of that time.
Apartment life is good. We're pretty much settled except for decorations in the living room. . . and the big pile of junk that's under sheets to disguise it (and is larger than a couch) that we are hoping to put in storage. The exciting part is that I got to buy a vacuum, a mop, broom, dustpan, toilet bowl cleaner, soft scrub!!!! (gotta love the smell), windex, pledge, dust rags, wash cloths, sponges, bucket, a new vacuum for my car, and the list goes on. How I love to clean. And I made a chore rotation for us! Yay!
I started working again, and I think most of the drama is taken care of. I barely know anyone there now since everyone quit or got fired, but the new people seem actually pretty good, fun, and semi-intelligent to boot. Everyone there thinks I'm like 25, which is funny for someone who usually has people guessing that they are younger than they really are, and that their younger sister is older than them. I got a raise, so that's another plus. Look at that, a whole paragraph, nice and positive, go me.
I sorta had another mid-life crisis/ emotional breakdown last week. Just the whole fun feeling like no one here understands me. The first All-School Communion was really good, but like always, it made me think a lot (as if I don't do that enough already) and get pretty emotional. It was about how our goal is to glorify God and so everything we do should be pushing us toward accomplishing that goal. I've realigned my priorities a lot since high school and am very conscientious of how I spend my time since I don't want to waste it. But lots of times I feel like I am. What really matters? What's important? Glorifying God, but I don't really know how to do that. I know it's more about the status of your heart than what exactly you're doing, but I still just worry that I'm not doing it right. Well, I know I'm not, but I want to. . . hence the frustration. I know I need to trust God, and I can say I do, and I can want to, but when it comes down to it, do I want the control or can I really trust God? I trust God because He knows a heck of a lot more about my life than I do and He's got a plan that I can't see, but do I really trust Him? I think too many people just assume that they do. Either that or everyone else does and I just suck at trusting because I've never experienced trusting someone without having them lose my trust. I've learned a lot since I've been at Wheaton, and I know that I will continue to grow. But I just see that I have flaws, and I am so eager to fix them that I get frustrated and depressed when I can't immediately change my weaknesses. There have been so many things that I have changed after hearing it thousands of times. . . and then it will just click. And it clicks in God's timing. But I'm impatient because I want to be the best person I can be and do the right thing all the time. And then there's relationships. I love people. I love to get deep with people, I strive for emotional intimacy, and it seems like everyone I get really deep with ends up being taken out of my life for some reason or another, and I can't be close to them anymore. Some people explain this by saying that I put those people above God and so God is making me depend solely on Him. The way I see it is that I feel close to God through the people that I'm close to, because I think He uses those people to show His love for me in a more tangible way, and I learn and grow by having those people in my life. It just sucks when I feel like I care so much about people and then they end up hurting me so much. So I've felt pretty lonely lately, which is no fun. I feel like I don't really enjoy anything anymore except relationships and God. I don't really have any hobbies. In a way I think that means that I'm depressed, in a way I think that means that I understand that things on this earth are unimportant. Something to think about. Maybe DDR is the answer to my lack of hobbies. . . excercise, coordination, music. . .
Oh yeah, classes. Marketing, Intermediate Microeconomics, New Testament, Psychology. Back in the day I'd go into details about what each class and prof is like, but I'm done caring about that these days. It just doesn't really matter. I go to class, I learn, do homework, and hopefully will get good enough grades to get a diploma and then a good job. That's it.
I had some really good conversations this week. . . with Joe, Josh Bailey (who's my neighbor now! and my highly emotional friend who likes deep conversations ALL the time), Devin, some random guy at church who asked me how about my experience at Wheaton and got an earful, and Mike. It was especially good to talk to Mike, and I feel like he understands me better than anyone here right now. I'm really grateful for these people. . . I appreciate their encouragement and them caring so much, and I know it can be draining to listen to me. I don't know how Ben does it all the time. . .