(no subject)
Every time I get to a point in my life where I feel like I'm making so much personal progress emotionally and spiritually, everything falls apart. It's so hard to be here and to have to deal with this. I am giving 100% to these high school girls and other staff members. . . and I'm loving every moment (well, most). I truly feel like I'm making a difference, which is great. I'm not here to have other people give back to me, I just want to give. I'm all for growing personally by being here while I'm at it, and I definitely feel like I have. And a lot of what keeps me going is knowing that other areas of my life are relatively stable (for once). . . I have people who care about me and love me, even though they aren't here, but I have that to appreciate and look forward to. . . but now I feel like that's gone. And there is no one here that I can talk to because no one here really knows me. I have no support because the people here don't know my history and my life and what I've been through so that they can understand how much this affects me and what it means to me. So basically, I have no motivation to eat, sleep, or smile, and I'm just alone and tired of life. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of trying so hard to do the right thing and treat everyone well and it's not even that I expect that back, it's just I don't want to be treated like crap, especially by people who care about me. You know, I'm depressed right now. I am. It's a part of life. And I don't want to feel this way, but I'm just in pain right now and it's gonna hurt for awhile, as much as I wish I didn't have to feel this as hard as I do. But luckily, I know eventually I'll get over it. . . it'll take awhile overall, but my outward mood has improved today tremendously from yesterday. It still sucks, but I know I can't act all mopey forever because that won't make me feel any better. And once again, there's nothing I can do about it. I tried, I failed, and I can't control things. So that's that.
"I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. . .
. . .He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked."
I love it when although I don't understand why stuff happens, the Bible describes exactly how I'm feeling. And then it goes on to explain some of God's promises, which is the only thing that can truly encourage me. . .
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope. . ."
-Lamentations 3
In other news...
Shelby's horse bit her.
I might be getting a second job next year.
It's disgustingly humid here and I almost died because so much rain started pouring out of the sky when I went for a drive yesterday.
I killed 4 bees today.
I'm tired of salad because that's all I eat at the cafeteria since everything else is gross.
I think of all the places I could be, I'd like to be in Wheaton again with classes started and with all my friends. . . and it'd be nice if Amber and Josh would move back so things could be how they were at the beginning of last year.
My dad, Mary Kaye, Andrew, and Josh come Thursday night, so that should be interesting? Good? We'll see.
I'm still a song-repeat fanatic, and I'm not sure if that's better or worse when the song is 10 minutes long.
Tami and I took 11 international girls to Walmart on Friday which was a blast.
I think I'm getting a sty... bleck.
I took Shelby to Dairy Queen (I know, I'm a traitor, but the closest ColdStone is like an hour away... speaking of which, they discontinued cakebatter? What's up with that? A lot of customers will be real happy about that...) and we had a nice long chat about life. I really wish I didn't live so far away from her.
"I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. . .
. . .He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked."
I love it when although I don't understand why stuff happens, the Bible describes exactly how I'm feeling. And then it goes on to explain some of God's promises, which is the only thing that can truly encourage me. . .
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope. . ."
-Lamentations 3
In other news...
Shelby's horse bit her.
I might be getting a second job next year.
It's disgustingly humid here and I almost died because so much rain started pouring out of the sky when I went for a drive yesterday.
I killed 4 bees today.
I'm tired of salad because that's all I eat at the cafeteria since everything else is gross.
I think of all the places I could be, I'd like to be in Wheaton again with classes started and with all my friends. . . and it'd be nice if Amber and Josh would move back so things could be how they were at the beginning of last year.
My dad, Mary Kaye, Andrew, and Josh come Thursday night, so that should be interesting? Good? We'll see.
I'm still a song-repeat fanatic, and I'm not sure if that's better or worse when the song is 10 minutes long.
Tami and I took 11 international girls to Walmart on Friday which was a blast.
I think I'm getting a sty... bleck.
I took Shelby to Dairy Queen (I know, I'm a traitor, but the closest ColdStone is like an hour away... speaking of which, they discontinued cakebatter? What's up with that? A lot of customers will be real happy about that...) and we had a nice long chat about life. I really wish I didn't live so far away from her.