The new Trail of Tears... I-77

[americanskin02]

I keep thinking about next year and where I want to be in this life.  I can tell you where I dont want to be, but where I want to be now that's a different story.  There are options, none of which seem to be financially sound at all, but I just seem to love the outcome better.  I want to own my own business.  I use to dream about it when I was younger, being my own boss.  I want to write books.  I want to make a difference here, I want to be somebody better, stronger, nicer, richer, pretty, loved.   I miss those days, when I felt like I would be missed when I left somewhere.  I miss my happiness, the little that I had.  I wrote a poem while driving back today from RH.  It came to me between crying over absolutely nothing.  I had these cr ying spells about two years ago, every night I would cry myself to sleep.  I was just driving today, listening to music and then crying.  I cried so much that at one point I had to pull over because I couldn't see the road.  That's not good, I know, and I really, can't explain it.  Just know it needed to happen I guess.  Today I couldn't help but think about my being in the hospital.  It was about this time, when I was back in there for the second time, really thinking that I would never get better.  Knowing that I would never fit in as a teaching fellow, or at Winthrop, or as a teacher, or as a history major.  Sometimes I still feel like I never really did fit in, I just blended in very well.  I should have did more in college.  Anyways, there's a lot of broken dreams and promises and fears that have happened.  I'm just always going to wait on the big axe to fall on my head I guess, and I dont want to live like that anymore.

Manda

Why is it always the little things I miss
like hearing your voice calling my name
or you and I playing our childhood games
living without heartbreak or pain

why is it always the little things I miss
like funny talks at "the booth"
car conversations of absolute truth
telling stories from our youth

why is it always the little things I miss
like those nights we'd drive around
even our walks downtown
or the hope that I found

why is it always the little things I miss