(no subject)
I'm already dreading going back to school on Monday, for numerous reasons, one being I haven't worked on anything I was supposed to be working on and because I'm not ready to come back and start feeling like crap about myself. well I'm never ready for that; but yeah.
I really hate going to a school where I don't know anybody who I feel is genuinely honest about themselves and other people. We all end up acting like diplomats and tiptoeing around everyone. Then I come home, stuck in this pretentious phase, stressed out, and I can't even relax because the whole shebang will start again tommorow. it's gotten to the point where I can't believe even one person likes me when I meet them, because I'm just "too out there" or something. This could all be a product of high school and teen angst...but I still would rather talk about it than keep it inside. I hate that I constantly look at the calories and amount of fat in the food that I eat, regardless of exercising regularly. I hate that I feel guilty even when I have a hamburger once in a while; no matter whether I make it or someone else does. I hate the fact that it's hard not to compare myself with every girl in my school, regardless of the fact that people who aren't in that school frequently comment on the fact that girls there look like they're 12 years old. Why the hell is it so hard for me to believe that I am attractive, regardless that I am not tall and that I am not skinny? Why can't I accept my body the way it is, curves and all? I could blame it on society, sure. I could blame it on all those girls in my school, sure. But it's not their fault they're thin as a rake and I'm not; well, it could be but for the most part let's just say its genetics.
The personality thing is definitely an issue...but the weight thing shouldn't be...It's not my fault they're fake...and its not their fault they're skinny.
blah ... see MY collar bone sticks out too!
ha.
grrr.