Its 7am
Im writing this this morning because I woke up at 7:30 crying. I dont know what to do and I cant fucking take it anymore. Its not right.
My brother is going to Berkley. Normally, Id be happy for him but here is the thing. My parents are paying his entire way, living expense, tuition, everything. He is never going to have to work so long as he goes to school.
And as most of you know Ive been paying my own way since I moved out. Ive never once asked my parents for rent money. At most, Ive asked them for help buying art supplies which is something I need for school and also something I need to make money. And even then, its always a struggle to get them to help me with that and my dad always ends up yelling at me. See my dad and I dont talk anymore. We havent really talked since I was 12. He just yells at me, calls me lazy, calls me a whore.
Every time I have confronted my parents about this, because I knew this was exactly what would happen when my brother went to college, I was met with one of two excuses. The first being "Your fancy art school will be way more expensive than your brother's school" . The second was always "Well with all your brother's AP classes he's bound to get a scholarship."
I went over to my parents house on Monday night. As I walk in I overhear my dad on the phone with my aunt. Apparently he's been calling all of the family to tell them about my brother getting into Berkley. Too bad I dont get that kind of publicity whenever I do an art show or, you know, get published. This is how I found out my brother got into Berkley. No one bothered to tell me. I sit down and talk with my mom. The whole time my dad is on the phone in the other room being loud so I can hear him. I hear him say that Berkley is going to cost about as much as my school AND that my brother didnt get any scholarships. Both my parents arguments for their sexism blown out of the water right there.
When I confronted my mom about it she said, "You couldnt have gotten into a school like that. You never did any AP classes except that art one. Be happy for your brother, he worked hard."
This is where we need to backtrack a little. Back to freshman year of Dana. During freshman year, an AP recruiter comes around to all the classes and tells the kids if you do the AP classes you can get into any college you want and live away from home. Being the naieve kid I was, I bought it. I went home and told my parents I needed to be in AP English, Math, Science and all that so I could go to a good school and live away from home. Their immediate response was, "Your not living away from home for college." Confused, I argued that I needed to go to a good school to get a good job etc. Eventually, I said. "What if I got a full scholarship because I took these classes." My dad looked me straight in the eye and said "I dont care. You are not living away from home for college!"
With that being their final word, I decided that taking these AP classes wasnt worth it. Whats the point if Im not going to reap the end rewards? So I took the normal classes. Later on, after I decided that I was going to be an artist, I took AP art history. It was an easy class and I did very well in it. I never studied but aced all my tests and I got a 5 on the AP exam. That helped too, because after I decided not to do any AP classes my parents always shot back with "You arent smart enough for them, its not a choice." Fuck you! I passed AP Art History with flying colors and minimal effort. It had never been a question of intelligence, it was always a question of wasting my time.
So come senior year of high school I decided that art school was the place for me. After a lengthy battle with my parents they finally agreed to let me apply to art school. Now my choices here in So Cal were awesome. There was Art Center, CAL Arts, Otis, and LCAD. The problem, once my parents found out LCAD was local they said I could apply there and ONLY there. I said "What if I dont get in? I need a safety school!" My dad said, " If you dont get in you do two years at a community college." Again, restrictions and limitations that have nothing to do with my career and future. The only reason for this was they didnt want to loose control over me.
Jump to freshman year of LCAD. My mom and dad go off to work as usual and Im taking a day off school to put my final escape plan into motion. At this point, Ive been in LCAD for a bit and Im living at home. Thats all going to change today. My parents are still hard set on not letting me move out, but I HAVE to leave. Living at home is becoming unhealthy on so many levels and I knew that if I didnt leave it would be a question of how long til one of those cuts goes too deep. So I called out a couple of my friends. Im not taking everything with me, just the essentials and we get everything moved in 3 trips. Perfect timing. I have an hour til my mom arrives home. I leave a note, letting them know this is what I had to do. This is the way I had to move since they made it clear they never would let me move out. I took matters into my own hands for my own health, same way I got myself expelled from St Edwards. I left them my address in case they ever wanted to contact me and left not looking back.
I was ready to cut them off completely with no remorse what so ever. I felt justified. After everything I'd dealt with, after all the bullshit I totally felt justified. I was even having a hard time getting my school work done living there, to the point where my teachers were getting on me for being a slacker. Really, I wasnt a slacker I just couldnt work with my dad constantly yelling and my mom nagging at me to go to bed at 11:00.
Interestingly enough, after a month they got back in contact with me. We've been on shakey ground ever since and their stories have changed. What used to be "Your not moving out!!" is now "You could have moved out and we would have been fine. We were just upset at the way you did thing." This is what they never understand. I do things the way I do because of what they say. Or there is the classic one pertaining to my choice of college, "None of the other schools had your duel major". This is the biggest piece of bullshit ever uttered by my parents. I could have gone to any of the other schools I mentioned and majored in Illustration and Animation.
So here we are, present day. Present circumstances where my brother is being handed everything on a silver fucking platter. And here I am, waking up crying at 7am because I just want my parents to say they're proud of me once and actually mean it. Because I want them to see that Im not a bad person, that Im DOING something with my life and have been for the past 7 years, that the reason my grades arent always perfect is because Im going to school full time and running my own business as a freelance illustrator. And Im not just playing business, this is my income. Ive had to put commissions in front of homework many a times because if I dont finish then I dont get paid and I dont eat. Thats the reality.
But my brother will never have to worry about this when he's at Berkley. He'll never know what its like to have to choose between buying food and buying things for school. He'll never know that god awful feeling of being short on rent and having to scrape by the skin of your teeth to pay it. He'll never know what its like to have a bill come at him that he cant pay. He'll never know any of this because mommy and daddy will take care of him. They'll pay for everything so he can study. But really he won't be studying. He's one of the popular kids in high school and some of his friends are going to Berkley. Yes, mommy and daddy are paying his way so he'll have time to party and go to keggers.
While Im still here, working hard, running my business, and crying at 7am.
FUCK YOU!
My brother is going to Berkley. Normally, Id be happy for him but here is the thing. My parents are paying his entire way, living expense, tuition, everything. He is never going to have to work so long as he goes to school.
And as most of you know Ive been paying my own way since I moved out. Ive never once asked my parents for rent money. At most, Ive asked them for help buying art supplies which is something I need for school and also something I need to make money. And even then, its always a struggle to get them to help me with that and my dad always ends up yelling at me. See my dad and I dont talk anymore. We havent really talked since I was 12. He just yells at me, calls me lazy, calls me a whore.
Every time I have confronted my parents about this, because I knew this was exactly what would happen when my brother went to college, I was met with one of two excuses. The first being "Your fancy art school will be way more expensive than your brother's school" . The second was always "Well with all your brother's AP classes he's bound to get a scholarship."
I went over to my parents house on Monday night. As I walk in I overhear my dad on the phone with my aunt. Apparently he's been calling all of the family to tell them about my brother getting into Berkley. Too bad I dont get that kind of publicity whenever I do an art show or, you know, get published. This is how I found out my brother got into Berkley. No one bothered to tell me. I sit down and talk with my mom. The whole time my dad is on the phone in the other room being loud so I can hear him. I hear him say that Berkley is going to cost about as much as my school AND that my brother didnt get any scholarships. Both my parents arguments for their sexism blown out of the water right there.
When I confronted my mom about it she said, "You couldnt have gotten into a school like that. You never did any AP classes except that art one. Be happy for your brother, he worked hard."
This is where we need to backtrack a little. Back to freshman year of Dana. During freshman year, an AP recruiter comes around to all the classes and tells the kids if you do the AP classes you can get into any college you want and live away from home. Being the naieve kid I was, I bought it. I went home and told my parents I needed to be in AP English, Math, Science and all that so I could go to a good school and live away from home. Their immediate response was, "Your not living away from home for college." Confused, I argued that I needed to go to a good school to get a good job etc. Eventually, I said. "What if I got a full scholarship because I took these classes." My dad looked me straight in the eye and said "I dont care. You are not living away from home for college!"
With that being their final word, I decided that taking these AP classes wasnt worth it. Whats the point if Im not going to reap the end rewards? So I took the normal classes. Later on, after I decided that I was going to be an artist, I took AP art history. It was an easy class and I did very well in it. I never studied but aced all my tests and I got a 5 on the AP exam. That helped too, because after I decided not to do any AP classes my parents always shot back with "You arent smart enough for them, its not a choice." Fuck you! I passed AP Art History with flying colors and minimal effort. It had never been a question of intelligence, it was always a question of wasting my time.
So come senior year of high school I decided that art school was the place for me. After a lengthy battle with my parents they finally agreed to let me apply to art school. Now my choices here in So Cal were awesome. There was Art Center, CAL Arts, Otis, and LCAD. The problem, once my parents found out LCAD was local they said I could apply there and ONLY there. I said "What if I dont get in? I need a safety school!" My dad said, " If you dont get in you do two years at a community college." Again, restrictions and limitations that have nothing to do with my career and future. The only reason for this was they didnt want to loose control over me.
Jump to freshman year of LCAD. My mom and dad go off to work as usual and Im taking a day off school to put my final escape plan into motion. At this point, Ive been in LCAD for a bit and Im living at home. Thats all going to change today. My parents are still hard set on not letting me move out, but I HAVE to leave. Living at home is becoming unhealthy on so many levels and I knew that if I didnt leave it would be a question of how long til one of those cuts goes too deep. So I called out a couple of my friends. Im not taking everything with me, just the essentials and we get everything moved in 3 trips. Perfect timing. I have an hour til my mom arrives home. I leave a note, letting them know this is what I had to do. This is the way I had to move since they made it clear they never would let me move out. I took matters into my own hands for my own health, same way I got myself expelled from St Edwards. I left them my address in case they ever wanted to contact me and left not looking back.
I was ready to cut them off completely with no remorse what so ever. I felt justified. After everything I'd dealt with, after all the bullshit I totally felt justified. I was even having a hard time getting my school work done living there, to the point where my teachers were getting on me for being a slacker. Really, I wasnt a slacker I just couldnt work with my dad constantly yelling and my mom nagging at me to go to bed at 11:00.
Interestingly enough, after a month they got back in contact with me. We've been on shakey ground ever since and their stories have changed. What used to be "Your not moving out!!" is now "You could have moved out and we would have been fine. We were just upset at the way you did thing." This is what they never understand. I do things the way I do because of what they say. Or there is the classic one pertaining to my choice of college, "None of the other schools had your duel major". This is the biggest piece of bullshit ever uttered by my parents. I could have gone to any of the other schools I mentioned and majored in Illustration and Animation.
So here we are, present day. Present circumstances where my brother is being handed everything on a silver fucking platter. And here I am, waking up crying at 7am because I just want my parents to say they're proud of me once and actually mean it. Because I want them to see that Im not a bad person, that Im DOING something with my life and have been for the past 7 years, that the reason my grades arent always perfect is because Im going to school full time and running my own business as a freelance illustrator. And Im not just playing business, this is my income. Ive had to put commissions in front of homework many a times because if I dont finish then I dont get paid and I dont eat. Thats the reality.
But my brother will never have to worry about this when he's at Berkley. He'll never know what its like to have to choose between buying food and buying things for school. He'll never know that god awful feeling of being short on rent and having to scrape by the skin of your teeth to pay it. He'll never know what its like to have a bill come at him that he cant pay. He'll never know any of this because mommy and daddy will take care of him. They'll pay for everything so he can study. But really he won't be studying. He's one of the popular kids in high school and some of his friends are going to Berkley. Yes, mommy and daddy are paying his way so he'll have time to party and go to keggers.
While Im still here, working hard, running my business, and crying at 7am.
FUCK YOU!