man up...and die
it is 2 01 am.
my girlfriend/fiance is sleeping sound.
obviously, i am not.
4 months ago i fucked up at work. no one noticed and it really isnt that big a deal... however, in my bosses eyes, i know it is. i opened an account with a ton of red flags, unknowningly. like dead bodies at the bottom of the lake, all is surfacing. i can sit back and wait for it all to come crashing down, or tell my boss first hand, i fucked up.
i am sorry.
i didnt cost the bank a dime. but i look like an idiot. a fool. a retard. and unfortunitly, so does she.
i like my job enough to keep going there. truth is, i hate it. i rather be drawing but have no clue how to make a living with my art. maybe it is a pipedream but it is what i love. i keep thinking i can be a tattooist, but i like the 9 to 5 gig too much. maybe i will send Feng out, everywhere to newspapers and magazines and what not.
fact is this. i cant sleep. i am sure i am getting canned tomorrow. this mistake + the fact my boss tends to over react= sure termination.
i keep thinking what would I do if i were in her shoes.....
and i would keep me. watch my work and just close the account.
i tired looking for jobs tonight on monster and palmbeach post, and it is scary. there is nothing out there.
i cant believe how smart i am sometimes, only to find out i cant believe how dumb i am at the same time.
i feel fake.
i feel worthless.
i feel useless.
i feel cold.
i feel like running people over with my car.
i feel like jumping up and down in pools of blood.
i feel like laughing at the celebrities with drug, alcohol and all of the above problems.
i feel like fighting hulk hogan.
i want to believe it is going to be ok.
it just may.
but the thought of it all falling apart.
the thought of my boss's face.
my parents.
my fiance.
my friends.
my reflection.
it is all too much and kills.
i feel like my insides are getting tattooed.
i feel like i am in an icebox and underwater.
i feel alone.
i want to wake my girl.
i would want her to wake me......
...when the choices are either "A" or "B" i always choose wrong.
so maybe i need to stop choosing.
maybe i need to wake up.
maybe i need to get real.
i thought i was.
i thought i was.
i thought i was.
i am not looking forward to tomorrow.
the only bright out look is my girl and drawing.
i hope she can understand if i get canned.
i hope she knows i love her more than anything and that i would give up walking for her neck/back to feel better.
i am going to be 30.
i feel like 295.
thats right.
two hundred and ninety five years old.
two hundred and ninety five years old and nothing to show.
well,
atleast i made your day.
a.g.20072308
my girlfriend/fiance is sleeping sound.
obviously, i am not.
4 months ago i fucked up at work. no one noticed and it really isnt that big a deal... however, in my bosses eyes, i know it is. i opened an account with a ton of red flags, unknowningly. like dead bodies at the bottom of the lake, all is surfacing. i can sit back and wait for it all to come crashing down, or tell my boss first hand, i fucked up.
i am sorry.
i didnt cost the bank a dime. but i look like an idiot. a fool. a retard. and unfortunitly, so does she.
i like my job enough to keep going there. truth is, i hate it. i rather be drawing but have no clue how to make a living with my art. maybe it is a pipedream but it is what i love. i keep thinking i can be a tattooist, but i like the 9 to 5 gig too much. maybe i will send Feng out, everywhere to newspapers and magazines and what not.
fact is this. i cant sleep. i am sure i am getting canned tomorrow. this mistake + the fact my boss tends to over react= sure termination.
i keep thinking what would I do if i were in her shoes.....
and i would keep me. watch my work and just close the account.
i tired looking for jobs tonight on monster and palmbeach post, and it is scary. there is nothing out there.
i cant believe how smart i am sometimes, only to find out i cant believe how dumb i am at the same time.
i feel fake.
i feel worthless.
i feel useless.
i feel cold.
i feel like running people over with my car.
i feel like jumping up and down in pools of blood.
i feel like laughing at the celebrities with drug, alcohol and all of the above problems.
i feel like fighting hulk hogan.
i want to believe it is going to be ok.
it just may.
but the thought of it all falling apart.
the thought of my boss's face.
my parents.
my fiance.
my friends.
my reflection.
it is all too much and kills.
i feel like my insides are getting tattooed.
i feel like i am in an icebox and underwater.
i feel alone.
i want to wake my girl.
i would want her to wake me......
...when the choices are either "A" or "B" i always choose wrong.
so maybe i need to stop choosing.
maybe i need to wake up.
maybe i need to get real.
i thought i was.
i thought i was.
i thought i was.
i am not looking forward to tomorrow.
the only bright out look is my girl and drawing.
i hope she can understand if i get canned.
i hope she knows i love her more than anything and that i would give up walking for her neck/back to feel better.
i am going to be 30.
i feel like 295.
thats right.
two hundred and ninety five years old.
two hundred and ninety five years old and nothing to show.
well,
atleast i made your day.
a.g.20072308