(no subject)
okay, tonight i'm REALLY going to stay up through the day without sleeping to the middle of the afternoon again. i can do this thing. i'll drink lots and lots of tea and go outside and stay active and eat plenty of carbs.
i think one of the reasons i'm so given to dreams is the same reason i'm often resentful that i was born so late. i often find myself 'between generations', although not always - my family, of course, are around my age although i am the youngest, and my brother's only one year older than i am - like with my dad's friends whose children were in college when i was still in single digits, or noa's siblings, whose parents are younger than mine, but around whom i still have to actively remind myself that i'm an adult just like they are, and whose kids are still too young for me to actually interact with (although there's sometimes an overlap of interests which makes it even more confusing). i'm finding myself more and more often to be the 'adult' in fandoms, when i always used to be the kid. it feels ridiculous to say that you're between generations when people are born every day of every year, but it's a situation i keep running up against.
i also feel like i missed out on a lot of things, and if i'd been born ten years earlier which would have been entirely possible given that my mama was in her late thirties and my father was 45, i would have gotten to be there for the good times. my father talked a lot about when my mama opened her restaurant in the early 80s, and how people were waiting in line around the block for hours, but i only have the one really hazy memory of even being there with her. he also talked about having people over for dinner and him and my mama cooking all the time, or going out to dinner with their friends. i barely remember a few of the dinner parties he threw, which were mostly stressful and involved clearing all of the papers and mess out of the living room and into another room (his or mine) and keeping the door closed until everyone left. the atmosphere i was raised in was so cold and lonely compared to the things my father told me about that he'd done in just the decade before.
there was also yasuo ichinose, who was a japanese violinist who i met only a few times. he coached the chamber orchestra at the music camp i used to go to, and once i went to his house to play chamber music. my dad was late to pick me up, so yasuo gave me orange juice and talked to me about music in his kitchen until he showed up. he wanted to play a lot more chamber music with me, and was very encouraging and had a lot of plans for the future. i adored him. he was so easygoing, so kind, and really passionate about music without being obnoxiously competitive which was the thing i craved back then and could hardly find anywhere else. not long after, when i was fifteen, my violin teacher took me aside after our lesson and told me he'd died of a heart attack the night before. i skipped my next class because i physically could not stop crying. it seems silly to say about someone who i only met a few times, and never really did anything with beyond that one time at his house, but i never really got over losing him. i still miss him and the things we could have done together so much. he wasn't like anyone else i ever met in music before or since, and i still often feel like if he'd stayed alive - or if i'd known him for longer before he'd died - i might have stuck with music and taken it somewhere beyond a hobby. but everyone else pretty much shattered my faith in being able to be a professional, or at least regular, musician without it being mean, competitive and difficult. i didn't go to his funeral because i didn't know him well enough and i would have been out of place, there was nobody to invite me and i was too shy to invite myself, but i still miss him so much.
i guess that's really why i'm so grateful to the people i do have. specifically david and riley. even though i was pushed away from music by the horrible atmosphere, david opened up physics and math for me which was something i didn't have from anyone else. i don't know what i would have done if i hadn't met him. finally there was someone who liked me, took an interest in me, cared about how i was and how i was feeling, and actually stuck around. didn't die. taught me things i loved without being paid to do it. i always used to be so scared when i stayed at his house, with all my usual anxieties related not to not being a problem for people, to the point where i was too afraid to ask for food even when i was hungry, and it took me years to get over that. i remember when i rode the bus up to oxford to see a movie with my friends and i was really really sick, vomiting every half hour, and even though i was done with the vomiting part by the time i got to david's house i felt wrung out and terrible, and he immediately squeezed oranges for me so i could have hot water and orange juice to make me feel better. i can't think of one time that he didn't cheer me up even when i started out sobbing and crying, make me laugh, reassure me, and give me strength when i needed it. he taught me to be generous, which is definitely something i didn't learn from my conniving, machiavellian father, or any of his equally conniving friends. he's one of those people that i know i wouldn't be half as good a person now if i hadn't had that relationship with them.
which is why he's one of the two people i respect the most, along with my brother. if david taught me to be generous, riley taught me to be tough, and to stand up for myself - again, not something i ever could have learned from my father. it feels almost strange to think about it so much, but now that i know i'm going to become a pilot, i'm thinking all the time about how amazing it will be when he gets his military wings and i get my civilian ones. somehow for us to have that difference and that sameness too is just so right, so appropriate for the people we are and the way we are around each other.
these people are part of my family too, and i'd do anything for them, anything in the world. it's a shame that they're both so far away now - i really, really miss being able to just walk across town and be at david's house. sometimes when the light is just right i wake up here and it feels like i'm in oxford again and maybe i'll go see david today, and then i remember i can't, and even though i'm not sad to be where i am it does make me miss him a lot. and even though i've never been to riley's house sometimes i really, really miss hanging out with him, talking about stuff with him, the way i feel completely invincible when i'm with him - i do miss that. i love it when he and mac are with us, and i can't wait until i can leave the state - and until i can fly - so i can go visit them.
i'm so grateful that there were people in my childhood who i loved and who loved me like family, who didn't go and die on me, and instead made me a better person and are still family today. that's more than can be said for 90% of all the people who should have been there for me, and should have taught me how to live well. honestly, when i think about who really raised me, i'd have to say it was david and riley. my father gave me food and clothes and a roof over my head and an education, that's true, but i didn't mature with him. i matured with them. so who did i grow up with? who raised me? well, it sure as shit wasn't my father, or anyone related to me by blood. they just let me down. i count myself goddamn lucky that not everyone did.
i think one of the reasons i'm so given to dreams is the same reason i'm often resentful that i was born so late. i often find myself 'between generations', although not always - my family, of course, are around my age although i am the youngest, and my brother's only one year older than i am - like with my dad's friends whose children were in college when i was still in single digits, or noa's siblings, whose parents are younger than mine, but around whom i still have to actively remind myself that i'm an adult just like they are, and whose kids are still too young for me to actually interact with (although there's sometimes an overlap of interests which makes it even more confusing). i'm finding myself more and more often to be the 'adult' in fandoms, when i always used to be the kid. it feels ridiculous to say that you're between generations when people are born every day of every year, but it's a situation i keep running up against.
i also feel like i missed out on a lot of things, and if i'd been born ten years earlier which would have been entirely possible given that my mama was in her late thirties and my father was 45, i would have gotten to be there for the good times. my father talked a lot about when my mama opened her restaurant in the early 80s, and how people were waiting in line around the block for hours, but i only have the one really hazy memory of even being there with her. he also talked about having people over for dinner and him and my mama cooking all the time, or going out to dinner with their friends. i barely remember a few of the dinner parties he threw, which were mostly stressful and involved clearing all of the papers and mess out of the living room and into another room (his or mine) and keeping the door closed until everyone left. the atmosphere i was raised in was so cold and lonely compared to the things my father told me about that he'd done in just the decade before.
there was also yasuo ichinose, who was a japanese violinist who i met only a few times. he coached the chamber orchestra at the music camp i used to go to, and once i went to his house to play chamber music. my dad was late to pick me up, so yasuo gave me orange juice and talked to me about music in his kitchen until he showed up. he wanted to play a lot more chamber music with me, and was very encouraging and had a lot of plans for the future. i adored him. he was so easygoing, so kind, and really passionate about music without being obnoxiously competitive which was the thing i craved back then and could hardly find anywhere else. not long after, when i was fifteen, my violin teacher took me aside after our lesson and told me he'd died of a heart attack the night before. i skipped my next class because i physically could not stop crying. it seems silly to say about someone who i only met a few times, and never really did anything with beyond that one time at his house, but i never really got over losing him. i still miss him and the things we could have done together so much. he wasn't like anyone else i ever met in music before or since, and i still often feel like if he'd stayed alive - or if i'd known him for longer before he'd died - i might have stuck with music and taken it somewhere beyond a hobby. but everyone else pretty much shattered my faith in being able to be a professional, or at least regular, musician without it being mean, competitive and difficult. i didn't go to his funeral because i didn't know him well enough and i would have been out of place, there was nobody to invite me and i was too shy to invite myself, but i still miss him so much.
i guess that's really why i'm so grateful to the people i do have. specifically david and riley. even though i was pushed away from music by the horrible atmosphere, david opened up physics and math for me which was something i didn't have from anyone else. i don't know what i would have done if i hadn't met him. finally there was someone who liked me, took an interest in me, cared about how i was and how i was feeling, and actually stuck around. didn't die. taught me things i loved without being paid to do it. i always used to be so scared when i stayed at his house, with all my usual anxieties related not to not being a problem for people, to the point where i was too afraid to ask for food even when i was hungry, and it took me years to get over that. i remember when i rode the bus up to oxford to see a movie with my friends and i was really really sick, vomiting every half hour, and even though i was done with the vomiting part by the time i got to david's house i felt wrung out and terrible, and he immediately squeezed oranges for me so i could have hot water and orange juice to make me feel better. i can't think of one time that he didn't cheer me up even when i started out sobbing and crying, make me laugh, reassure me, and give me strength when i needed it. he taught me to be generous, which is definitely something i didn't learn from my conniving, machiavellian father, or any of his equally conniving friends. he's one of those people that i know i wouldn't be half as good a person now if i hadn't had that relationship with them.
which is why he's one of the two people i respect the most, along with my brother. if david taught me to be generous, riley taught me to be tough, and to stand up for myself - again, not something i ever could have learned from my father. it feels almost strange to think about it so much, but now that i know i'm going to become a pilot, i'm thinking all the time about how amazing it will be when he gets his military wings and i get my civilian ones. somehow for us to have that difference and that sameness too is just so right, so appropriate for the people we are and the way we are around each other.
these people are part of my family too, and i'd do anything for them, anything in the world. it's a shame that they're both so far away now - i really, really miss being able to just walk across town and be at david's house. sometimes when the light is just right i wake up here and it feels like i'm in oxford again and maybe i'll go see david today, and then i remember i can't, and even though i'm not sad to be where i am it does make me miss him a lot. and even though i've never been to riley's house sometimes i really, really miss hanging out with him, talking about stuff with him, the way i feel completely invincible when i'm with him - i do miss that. i love it when he and mac are with us, and i can't wait until i can leave the state - and until i can fly - so i can go visit them.
i'm so grateful that there were people in my childhood who i loved and who loved me like family, who didn't go and die on me, and instead made me a better person and are still family today. that's more than can be said for 90% of all the people who should have been there for me, and should have taught me how to live well. honestly, when i think about who really raised me, i'd have to say it was david and riley. my father gave me food and clothes and a roof over my head and an education, that's true, but i didn't mature with him. i matured with them. so who did i grow up with? who raised me? well, it sure as shit wasn't my father, or anyone related to me by blood. they just let me down. i count myself goddamn lucky that not everyone did.