kittens, ambitions, and an impending sense of doom
it's really amazing to me how perfect jack is. after a few hours of napping on the rug he got up on the couch, curled up on my chest an slept on me for an hour, at one point literally resting his face on my face. then he got up, dipped the tips of his paws in my water cup and then drank from it, stretched, flicked his paws and walked away. he's not clingy, but he's so perfectly affectionate and sweet, with so many little idiosyncrasies. he looks beautiful and unique... he's really the perfect cat.
there were some sweet kittens at the petsmart today, including some tiny gray tabbies and a black one from the same litter, and before i got jack i was thinking of kittens that looked like them... but even though i was cooing over them, i was happy to realize that i wouldn't have preferred one like that over him, or any other cat. he's my heart and he's exactly everything i want. warm, with a loud purr, a playful attitude, beautiful coloring, and sleeps so soundly. i love him.
i've been thinking more about how i came to realize that i really just needed to stop messing around and commit myself to becoming a pilot... when paulie mentioned that his grandma had a ppa, and i lit up and got so excited, immediately asking if i could hang out with her, if she was allowed to teach me and so on. and everyone just turned to me and went "fi, become a pilot already" before going back to the conversation. the more i think about it, the more i realize how happy i am to have people who notice when i love something, and who care enough to point it out to me when it's obvious i'm being too distracted to notice it for myself.
also, i hate periods. i'm so tired, but i'm in too much pain to sleep. i even tried just straight falling asleep on the couch and i couldn't do it. i've taken painkillers and i'm using the heat pad, but the pain and nausea is just at slightly too high of a level and nothing is bringing it down. ugh. i guess it is getting better very slowly, but... it's slow. i wish i could just make it go away altogether. by tomorrow evening i know i'll feel fine... so stupid.
m picked out his ring from me today. white gold and blue sapphire, with a subtly deco setting... funnily enough it reminds me of me, very strongly, so i guess that makes it perfect. i feel like i've been connecting with him a lot more recently. more touch, and more pet names, and that makes me so happy. stupid as it is, it's hard for me to connect with someone if there isn't open affection and physical contact, and i've been feeling so natural and comfortable around him recently.
ah, jack has returned to attend to the important kitten business of chewing very gently on my fingers while i'm trying to type.
thanks to n, i've been getting into anime again.. specifically fullmetal alchemist. i mean, there were already a lot of series i loved, but haibane renmei was far too emotional for me to feel good about it, honey and clover spoke more to my experiences as an art student than any particular attachment to the characters or plot (and the art and music were beautiful), flcl and serial experiments lain were shows i appreciated more than enjoyed (or even understood.........), hellsing appealed to my love of referencing history in fictional works (and had vampires portrayed as monsters instead of sexual metaphors), and ghost in the shell was...fantastic, but i could always just say that motoko reminded me of the boss, which is grounds enough for me to love anything. so i haven't really had to call myself an anime fan in years. i've been maintaining a kind of dignified distance from it, a sense of "i appreciate and enjoy this show, but i wouldn't say i'm a fangirl".
except now there is fma, and there is roy mustang, and oh god where did my dignity go. as if it weren't bad enough that this is the same show for which n's eleven year old cousin drew us fanart (which we still have on our fridge... christ...), but i'm starting to feel seriously desperate to cosplay again. which means anime conventions. nerdfests. worse, otakufests. where wearing a costume makes you a walking potential assault target. and i'm so enthusiastic that none of this is dissuading me in the least.
i'm not sure what it is about this character that i find so compelling. i mean, there are the obvious traits - he's a soldier, he has a strong sense of... i guess you'd call it critical loyalty, he's very cute and also very flawed, he has a magnificent broship that lends itself well to slash - which make a character appealing to me. and it's actually kind of gratifying to have a character who procrastinates in the exact same way that i do. but it's getting to the point where i'm wanting to list fma up there with metal gear and avatar, just for this one character. ...well, okay, not just for him. there's also hughes, alphonse, ling, greed, winry, hohenheim, bradley, etc who really appeal to me. the show as a whole is definitely my kind of thing. fantasy but not too fantasy, references real life and specifically the military, has a wacky sense of humor, a decent amount of graphic violence and deals with a lot of mature themes as a byproduct of the plot. but those are just things that make something enjoyable, not something i feel really intensely attached to.
stupid sexy mustang. i refuse to ever become a fangirl again.
there were some sweet kittens at the petsmart today, including some tiny gray tabbies and a black one from the same litter, and before i got jack i was thinking of kittens that looked like them... but even though i was cooing over them, i was happy to realize that i wouldn't have preferred one like that over him, or any other cat. he's my heart and he's exactly everything i want. warm, with a loud purr, a playful attitude, beautiful coloring, and sleeps so soundly. i love him.
i've been thinking more about how i came to realize that i really just needed to stop messing around and commit myself to becoming a pilot... when paulie mentioned that his grandma had a ppa, and i lit up and got so excited, immediately asking if i could hang out with her, if she was allowed to teach me and so on. and everyone just turned to me and went "fi, become a pilot already" before going back to the conversation. the more i think about it, the more i realize how happy i am to have people who notice when i love something, and who care enough to point it out to me when it's obvious i'm being too distracted to notice it for myself.
also, i hate periods. i'm so tired, but i'm in too much pain to sleep. i even tried just straight falling asleep on the couch and i couldn't do it. i've taken painkillers and i'm using the heat pad, but the pain and nausea is just at slightly too high of a level and nothing is bringing it down. ugh. i guess it is getting better very slowly, but... it's slow. i wish i could just make it go away altogether. by tomorrow evening i know i'll feel fine... so stupid.
m picked out his ring from me today. white gold and blue sapphire, with a subtly deco setting... funnily enough it reminds me of me, very strongly, so i guess that makes it perfect. i feel like i've been connecting with him a lot more recently. more touch, and more pet names, and that makes me so happy. stupid as it is, it's hard for me to connect with someone if there isn't open affection and physical contact, and i've been feeling so natural and comfortable around him recently.
ah, jack has returned to attend to the important kitten business of chewing very gently on my fingers while i'm trying to type.
thanks to n, i've been getting into anime again.. specifically fullmetal alchemist. i mean, there were already a lot of series i loved, but haibane renmei was far too emotional for me to feel good about it, honey and clover spoke more to my experiences as an art student than any particular attachment to the characters or plot (and the art and music were beautiful), flcl and serial experiments lain were shows i appreciated more than enjoyed (or even understood.........), hellsing appealed to my love of referencing history in fictional works (and had vampires portrayed as monsters instead of sexual metaphors), and ghost in the shell was...fantastic, but i could always just say that motoko reminded me of the boss, which is grounds enough for me to love anything. so i haven't really had to call myself an anime fan in years. i've been maintaining a kind of dignified distance from it, a sense of "i appreciate and enjoy this show, but i wouldn't say i'm a fangirl".
except now there is fma, and there is roy mustang, and oh god where did my dignity go. as if it weren't bad enough that this is the same show for which n's eleven year old cousin drew us fanart (which we still have on our fridge... christ...), but i'm starting to feel seriously desperate to cosplay again. which means anime conventions. nerdfests. worse, otakufests. where wearing a costume makes you a walking potential assault target. and i'm so enthusiastic that none of this is dissuading me in the least.
i'm not sure what it is about this character that i find so compelling. i mean, there are the obvious traits - he's a soldier, he has a strong sense of... i guess you'd call it critical loyalty, he's very cute and also very flawed, he has a magnificent broship that lends itself well to slash - which make a character appealing to me. and it's actually kind of gratifying to have a character who procrastinates in the exact same way that i do. but it's getting to the point where i'm wanting to list fma up there with metal gear and avatar, just for this one character. ...well, okay, not just for him. there's also hughes, alphonse, ling, greed, winry, hohenheim, bradley, etc who really appeal to me. the show as a whole is definitely my kind of thing. fantasy but not too fantasy, references real life and specifically the military, has a wacky sense of humor, a decent amount of graphic violence and deals with a lot of mature themes as a byproduct of the plot. but those are just things that make something enjoyable, not something i feel really intensely attached to.
stupid sexy mustang. i refuse to ever become a fangirl again.