"toast is me."
sorry for the oh-so-emo post. thanks to those of you who cared, though.
i had several of those "days from hell" in a row this week and i just couldn't handle it after being treated badly and stressing out since i started my job a month ago. it just snowballed and on monday and tuesday i was a complete nervous wreck, and josh was no where to be found. granted, on monday he worked til midnight or something, it wasn't his fault, but on tuesday he completely ignored me because he didn't think i was that seriously upset. this followed with one of those "you treat me like shit," fights to which he responds something like, "it's your fault, you're too needy," and i cry and cry and feel broken until he tells me i don't suffocate him and how he doesn't want to lose me. i guess everythings okay. i feel so damaged after those fights, like he pointed out some poison in me thats sabotaging all my relationships and will gradually leave me crumpled and alone. a deep-rooted fault that disgusts him to no end - it cant be eradicated. but then he says he loves me, and i need to believe it, don't i? we haven't been having those fights so much anymore. i wish they'd gone away.
there really are bats in the attic, although evidently we can't evict them legally until september first because they are protected. we got a permit though, to have them evicted when we get back from the beach in august, because their feces carries a respiratory disease and mum always plays the crippled daughter card. i don't blame her, for that. they're going to install one-way nets that allow the bats to leave their nest but not get back in. eventually, they'll all fly out, and then the men will come back and clean out the remnants.
i haven't had TENS therapy (electrodes on my back) in over a month. i might not have mentioned it, but my neurologist closed his bethesda office and i can only see him in DC now. i paid $10 to metro up on monday, and promptly got lost in 100degree heat trying to find the horrid place. the receptionists were completely rude to me and were the reason for my getting lost (they gave awful directions). when i finally saw dr. m, he said he'd have his partner give me the therapy and i could meet with him again in a month. the receptionists gave me crap that they gave me at the bethesda office about my insurance, which i had worked out once before and explained to them how to fix, but inevitably they ignored me and weren't willing to help. i didn't get to therapy and took the metro home in rush hour, ready to burst into tears, and no one would let me sit down.
i waited a month to see a counselor at MC about transferring to another school asap, and about scholarships, and she was completely useless (as every counselor i saw at MC is). she told me she knew nothing about where to transfer with a radiology major, and bluffed her way through "searching" on-line for the degree at nearby schools. she claimed that radiology is a very difficult major to take, because it's not available anywhere. then she gave me the name of a radiology teacher at takoma that she doesn't even know, and told me to call them and ask about places to transfer. she told me nothing about the scholarships, which i am definitely going to need. i couldn't believe the shit that came out of her mouth. to top it off, when i showed up, she ignored me for ten minutes even though her door was wide open and i had an appointment because she was playing solitaire.
bog damn. radiology is a tough major because it's not available my ass. radiology is fucking global! everyone's had an x-ray, and they're not out of date. and if it's such an elusive degree, why do they offer it at MK? every counselor i've seen there has given me the same shit, and has referred me to someone else. what is the point of seeing these asshats if they won't even help you? it really just makes me want to give up, give in. say yeah, you're right, i'll never transfer from MK, why don't i just get my sucky associate degree here and see where it lands me? i need help transferring, and i don't want to go too far from home because of all my health problems. i suggested johns hopkins and UMBC to her, and she said neither of them had radiology "listed". she didn't even seem to know anything about the schools, other than their names.
candy, the little brat at work, quit. she gave her notice a week ago. i'm not sad about it. it'll mean not having to clean up after her all the time, and not having to listen to her annoying dribble. i have a strong aversion to immature bimbos (although i don't show it at all). i can't help it. the problem is, she quit cos she needed a better paying job, and probably when i started realized, "oh good, now lesley can help randi out and i don't have to feel guilty for abandoning her." but i don't want to work more than part time. my back can't take it. not only that, but i haven't wanted to admit to randi i'm going to quit when i'm going back to school, and now i'm going to have to, because she needs to find someone else to work there. she can't run the place by herself, not when she's so unwilling to be there.
i haven't been doing much outside of work. i'm too fucking exhausted. i never see anyone. but then again, not seeing anyone isn't only my fault. lately everyone's been treating me like i'm their last resort for hanging out. "i'd like to make plans, but i don't know what's going to come up." thanks, i'm so adored. i never see josh because he's always working. i can't even talk to him on the phone. also haven't finished any of my "projects," artistically speaking. and i never practice my cello. i feel extremely guilty about not practicing.
oh well, i'll be at my beach house so very soon. i'll try to unwind, although the concept of unwinding has been strange to me since tenth grade. i don't remember how, and not just mentally but physically as well. my muscles feel like bone.
i got this cake pan, and i was so fucking excited. i wanted to do it for josh's birthday, at the beach, and now he wants my three-layer chocolate mousse cake. it hurt my feelings, probably more than it should. he knew i was planning this, how excited i was. maybe i can still make it. i'm a dork for adoring these types of things.
the book i'm devouring at the moment is amazing. it's called oryx and crake - margaret atwood. i loved the handmaid's tale, so i was enticed to read another. when explaining toast (sarcastically) to people who are un-technologically advanced, the main character says (after giving up), "toast was a ritual item devoured by fetishists in the belief that it would enhance their kinetic and sexual powers. toast cannot be explained by any rational means. toast is me. i am toast."
i had several of those "days from hell" in a row this week and i just couldn't handle it after being treated badly and stressing out since i started my job a month ago. it just snowballed and on monday and tuesday i was a complete nervous wreck, and josh was no where to be found. granted, on monday he worked til midnight or something, it wasn't his fault, but on tuesday he completely ignored me because he didn't think i was that seriously upset. this followed with one of those "you treat me like shit," fights to which he responds something like, "it's your fault, you're too needy," and i cry and cry and feel broken until he tells me i don't suffocate him and how he doesn't want to lose me. i guess everythings okay. i feel so damaged after those fights, like he pointed out some poison in me thats sabotaging all my relationships and will gradually leave me crumpled and alone. a deep-rooted fault that disgusts him to no end - it cant be eradicated. but then he says he loves me, and i need to believe it, don't i? we haven't been having those fights so much anymore. i wish they'd gone away.
there really are bats in the attic, although evidently we can't evict them legally until september first because they are protected. we got a permit though, to have them evicted when we get back from the beach in august, because their feces carries a respiratory disease and mum always plays the crippled daughter card. i don't blame her, for that. they're going to install one-way nets that allow the bats to leave their nest but not get back in. eventually, they'll all fly out, and then the men will come back and clean out the remnants.
i haven't had TENS therapy (electrodes on my back) in over a month. i might not have mentioned it, but my neurologist closed his bethesda office and i can only see him in DC now. i paid $10 to metro up on monday, and promptly got lost in 100degree heat trying to find the horrid place. the receptionists were completely rude to me and were the reason for my getting lost (they gave awful directions). when i finally saw dr. m, he said he'd have his partner give me the therapy and i could meet with him again in a month. the receptionists gave me crap that they gave me at the bethesda office about my insurance, which i had worked out once before and explained to them how to fix, but inevitably they ignored me and weren't willing to help. i didn't get to therapy and took the metro home in rush hour, ready to burst into tears, and no one would let me sit down.
i waited a month to see a counselor at MC about transferring to another school asap, and about scholarships, and she was completely useless (as every counselor i saw at MC is). she told me she knew nothing about where to transfer with a radiology major, and bluffed her way through "searching" on-line for the degree at nearby schools. she claimed that radiology is a very difficult major to take, because it's not available anywhere. then she gave me the name of a radiology teacher at takoma that she doesn't even know, and told me to call them and ask about places to transfer. she told me nothing about the scholarships, which i am definitely going to need. i couldn't believe the shit that came out of her mouth. to top it off, when i showed up, she ignored me for ten minutes even though her door was wide open and i had an appointment because she was playing solitaire.
bog damn. radiology is a tough major because it's not available my ass. radiology is fucking global! everyone's had an x-ray, and they're not out of date. and if it's such an elusive degree, why do they offer it at MK? every counselor i've seen there has given me the same shit, and has referred me to someone else. what is the point of seeing these asshats if they won't even help you? it really just makes me want to give up, give in. say yeah, you're right, i'll never transfer from MK, why don't i just get my sucky associate degree here and see where it lands me? i need help transferring, and i don't want to go too far from home because of all my health problems. i suggested johns hopkins and UMBC to her, and she said neither of them had radiology "listed". she didn't even seem to know anything about the schools, other than their names.
candy, the little brat at work, quit. she gave her notice a week ago. i'm not sad about it. it'll mean not having to clean up after her all the time, and not having to listen to her annoying dribble. i have a strong aversion to immature bimbos (although i don't show it at all). i can't help it. the problem is, she quit cos she needed a better paying job, and probably when i started realized, "oh good, now lesley can help randi out and i don't have to feel guilty for abandoning her." but i don't want to work more than part time. my back can't take it. not only that, but i haven't wanted to admit to randi i'm going to quit when i'm going back to school, and now i'm going to have to, because she needs to find someone else to work there. she can't run the place by herself, not when she's so unwilling to be there.
i haven't been doing much outside of work. i'm too fucking exhausted. i never see anyone. but then again, not seeing anyone isn't only my fault. lately everyone's been treating me like i'm their last resort for hanging out. "i'd like to make plans, but i don't know what's going to come up." thanks, i'm so adored. i never see josh because he's always working. i can't even talk to him on the phone. also haven't finished any of my "projects," artistically speaking. and i never practice my cello. i feel extremely guilty about not practicing.
oh well, i'll be at my beach house so very soon. i'll try to unwind, although the concept of unwinding has been strange to me since tenth grade. i don't remember how, and not just mentally but physically as well. my muscles feel like bone.
i got this cake pan, and i was so fucking excited. i wanted to do it for josh's birthday, at the beach, and now he wants my three-layer chocolate mousse cake. it hurt my feelings, probably more than it should. he knew i was planning this, how excited i was. maybe i can still make it. i'm a dork for adoring these types of things.
the book i'm devouring at the moment is amazing. it's called oryx and crake - margaret atwood. i loved the handmaid's tale, so i was enticed to read another. when explaining toast (sarcastically) to people who are un-technologically advanced, the main character says (after giving up), "toast was a ritual item devoured by fetishists in the belief that it would enhance their kinetic and sexual powers. toast cannot be explained by any rational means. toast is me. i am toast."