Dark Moon Rumblings...
Many things in my life right now aren't going quite as I had planned or hoped they would. Just about all of them are career/job/finance related. Without question, there's no one to blame for that mess but myself.
And so, I have to fix it.
Now that the frustration of trying to get my lease renewed is done with, my attention is drifting back to the underlying cause of the whole thing.
That being the simple fact that I have no idea what I want. I don't even mean that in the esoteric sense that people often ascribe to the question. I've got the generalities of what I want nailed down--and have had them that way for many years.
What I lack are the specifics. What I lack is a direction and a driving force.
The devil is in the details, they say. So, in a way, I guess I'm looking for the devil.
Not really all that surprising. Satan, after all, is the classic great adversary. And you have to find the adversary before you can beat it. Or embrace it. Or... whatever.
My job search is going nowhere fast. Why? Because when someone asks me what I want to do, I don't have an answer. I can't target the search, so any "hits" are going to be pure luck. Unfortunately, I am quickly running out of the luxury of time. I've burned a lot of that waiting for luck to kick in and make what meager efforts I've made pay off.
Last night, I spent a good bunch of hours with one of my oldest friends in the Universe. Sure, we've only known each other since 1993, but we go back a lot longer than that. (Now that gets complicated and esoteric, so I'll just leave it at that.) He will soon be getting his PhD in Biomedical Engineering. He's working with brains and nervous systems and machines and will, I am quite certain, do many great things over the coming decades. He's also getting married next year. That will lead, relatively quickly I'm guessing, to a family rounded out by a kid or two (for the record, my money is on twins).
Once all that is said and done, he will be pretty much where he always talked about being. He's worked and fought long and hard to achieve those goals and they're just a short jaunt away from being smack there on his plate.
I, on the other hand, still spin here in limbo.
Which, really, is where I've pretty much always been.
My "big dreams" have always been amorphous. More about a feeling and overall results than about details. Those feelings and overall results have a near infinite number of paths leading to them (so I've discovered). There is not one of those paths that I feel drawn to more than any other. There is none that I want.
And so, my little brain can't justify the fight, the effort, the limitation that comes with grabbing on to something I don't really care about.
Try as I might, I can't use "lifestyle" as justification, either. Doing it just for the money, just so I can maintain my TV and movie and DVD habits, just so I can have enough space to keep all the (ultimately useless) stuff I've acquired over the years... it's just not enough. Why? Because I know I'd survive just fine without it. Sure, I'd be grumpy for a while, but I'd bounce back quickly.
There are things I'm good at. There are lots of things I'm good at. Oddly enough, that, too, is part of the problem. I'm not really great at anything (there are a few things I am horrible, so that helps a little). But I am, apparently (based on comments from many different people over the years--so this isn't just some bloated ego stroking going on here), above average in a number of fields. This does not limit my choices one bit.
I lack that drive, that spark, that passion that pushes people forward toward their dreams. Or, maybe, what passion I do have is diluted by the scattered nature of my dreams.
Either way, I'm spinning my wheels and not getting any closer to finding my devil full of details to beat up.
So I'm going back to where I know I can find the dark places things like that hide.
I'm embarking in a detailed study of me. Of my past. Of my stumbles and successes. My joys, my pains. Everything.
Some of it, I've got written down. Much of it, I have no actual records of so it will take a considerable bit of mental re-enactment to achieve some semblance of re-understanding.
In effect, I am digging through my past in order to find the roots of my future.
I know they are there. I know there are things I have forgotten that, when put together with one another will point me somewhere new.
I've just got to find them.
And I've got to do it soon.
Because, really, I do like my stuff and I'd rather not get rid of it. ;)
For those of you who read through here, this probably means a return to me telling stories about things long gone by and people you may never meet. Hopefully, you'll find it at least entertaining... maybe even helpful in your own searches.
For all I know, the whole reason I'm so lost right now is because there's something someone out there needs to hear. Or maybe some story I tell here will elicit a response that will be like a grand spiritual kick to the head and everything will fall into place.
The Universe works in strange ways, so not much is going to surprise me.
And so, I have to fix it.
Now that the frustration of trying to get my lease renewed is done with, my attention is drifting back to the underlying cause of the whole thing.
That being the simple fact that I have no idea what I want. I don't even mean that in the esoteric sense that people often ascribe to the question. I've got the generalities of what I want nailed down--and have had them that way for many years.
What I lack are the specifics. What I lack is a direction and a driving force.
The devil is in the details, they say. So, in a way, I guess I'm looking for the devil.
Not really all that surprising. Satan, after all, is the classic great adversary. And you have to find the adversary before you can beat it. Or embrace it. Or... whatever.
My job search is going nowhere fast. Why? Because when someone asks me what I want to do, I don't have an answer. I can't target the search, so any "hits" are going to be pure luck. Unfortunately, I am quickly running out of the luxury of time. I've burned a lot of that waiting for luck to kick in and make what meager efforts I've made pay off.
Last night, I spent a good bunch of hours with one of my oldest friends in the Universe. Sure, we've only known each other since 1993, but we go back a lot longer than that. (Now that gets complicated and esoteric, so I'll just leave it at that.) He will soon be getting his PhD in Biomedical Engineering. He's working with brains and nervous systems and machines and will, I am quite certain, do many great things over the coming decades. He's also getting married next year. That will lead, relatively quickly I'm guessing, to a family rounded out by a kid or two (for the record, my money is on twins).
Once all that is said and done, he will be pretty much where he always talked about being. He's worked and fought long and hard to achieve those goals and they're just a short jaunt away from being smack there on his plate.
I, on the other hand, still spin here in limbo.
Which, really, is where I've pretty much always been.
My "big dreams" have always been amorphous. More about a feeling and overall results than about details. Those feelings and overall results have a near infinite number of paths leading to them (so I've discovered). There is not one of those paths that I feel drawn to more than any other. There is none that I want.
And so, my little brain can't justify the fight, the effort, the limitation that comes with grabbing on to something I don't really care about.
Try as I might, I can't use "lifestyle" as justification, either. Doing it just for the money, just so I can maintain my TV and movie and DVD habits, just so I can have enough space to keep all the (ultimately useless) stuff I've acquired over the years... it's just not enough. Why? Because I know I'd survive just fine without it. Sure, I'd be grumpy for a while, but I'd bounce back quickly.
There are things I'm good at. There are lots of things I'm good at. Oddly enough, that, too, is part of the problem. I'm not really great at anything (there are a few things I am horrible, so that helps a little). But I am, apparently (based on comments from many different people over the years--so this isn't just some bloated ego stroking going on here), above average in a number of fields. This does not limit my choices one bit.
I lack that drive, that spark, that passion that pushes people forward toward their dreams. Or, maybe, what passion I do have is diluted by the scattered nature of my dreams.
Either way, I'm spinning my wheels and not getting any closer to finding my devil full of details to beat up.
So I'm going back to where I know I can find the dark places things like that hide.
I'm embarking in a detailed study of me. Of my past. Of my stumbles and successes. My joys, my pains. Everything.
Some of it, I've got written down. Much of it, I have no actual records of so it will take a considerable bit of mental re-enactment to achieve some semblance of re-understanding.
In effect, I am digging through my past in order to find the roots of my future.
I know they are there. I know there are things I have forgotten that, when put together with one another will point me somewhere new.
I've just got to find them.
And I've got to do it soon.
Because, really, I do like my stuff and I'd rather not get rid of it. ;)
For those of you who read through here, this probably means a return to me telling stories about things long gone by and people you may never meet. Hopefully, you'll find it at least entertaining... maybe even helpful in your own searches.
For all I know, the whole reason I'm so lost right now is because there's something someone out there needs to hear. Or maybe some story I tell here will elicit a response that will be like a grand spiritual kick to the head and everything will fall into place.
The Universe works in strange ways, so not much is going to surprise me.