(no subject)
So I have a massive wave of Meloncholia currently, so this is bound to be depressing.
I hate being an unattractive female. I hate being bitchy, and I can't hold my tongue when it's good for me. I tell people that I don't know my oppinions on everything, and yet cannot say a word to a friend that I care about. Why? because I'm afraid of loosing their friendship, or what I have of them if I do. How do I get past that? I don't know. A person is unattractive if they feel unattractive, and I feel unattractive so there. I'm not even completely complaining about my physical appearance, because I rate about a 5/10. And that's okay. But even personaltiy wise I just don't rate. I mean I'm: Bitchy, depressive, manipulative, obnoxious, jealous, cowardly, annoying, cold, avoidant, melodramatic, irratable, selfish, possessive, arrogant, nasty, sarcastic and I'm tired of the adjectives. Suffice to say I don't feel like I have a great deal of friends, and even the ones that put up with me... well I don't understand why. If I were them I'd just say "fuck off" and be done with it.
And If I were a decent human being I wouldn't bother bitching about my insecurities, I would instead put forth a complete effort to change my behavioral patterns. But I don't know how to do that. Shrinks don't help, they make things worse. Friends... well I don't know how honest one can truly be with a friend. As for family... now that's a laugh.
So I met some of Kate's friends. They're okay, nice I mean, but they made me reallly uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say to them, and it felt as though they were staring at me. Why I don't know. I wanted to reach up and check my face to make sure I hadn't broken out into a plethora of pimples or something. I felt kind of bad because I wanted nothing more than to scream. That or rip their heads off. One or the other. Again, this would be a facete of my jealousy. Not a statement as to their personalities, which were amiable, if a bit stiff. I relaxed eventually though. And then life was okay again.
Okay I'm done for now.
I hate being an unattractive female. I hate being bitchy, and I can't hold my tongue when it's good for me. I tell people that I don't know my oppinions on everything, and yet cannot say a word to a friend that I care about. Why? because I'm afraid of loosing their friendship, or what I have of them if I do. How do I get past that? I don't know. A person is unattractive if they feel unattractive, and I feel unattractive so there. I'm not even completely complaining about my physical appearance, because I rate about a 5/10. And that's okay. But even personaltiy wise I just don't rate. I mean I'm: Bitchy, depressive, manipulative, obnoxious, jealous, cowardly, annoying, cold, avoidant, melodramatic, irratable, selfish, possessive, arrogant, nasty, sarcastic and I'm tired of the adjectives. Suffice to say I don't feel like I have a great deal of friends, and even the ones that put up with me... well I don't understand why. If I were them I'd just say "fuck off" and be done with it.
And If I were a decent human being I wouldn't bother bitching about my insecurities, I would instead put forth a complete effort to change my behavioral patterns. But I don't know how to do that. Shrinks don't help, they make things worse. Friends... well I don't know how honest one can truly be with a friend. As for family... now that's a laugh.
So I met some of Kate's friends. They're okay, nice I mean, but they made me reallly uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say to them, and it felt as though they were staring at me. Why I don't know. I wanted to reach up and check my face to make sure I hadn't broken out into a plethora of pimples or something. I felt kind of bad because I wanted nothing more than to scream. That or rip their heads off. One or the other. Again, this would be a facete of my jealousy. Not a statement as to their personalities, which were amiable, if a bit stiff. I relaxed eventually though. And then life was okay again.
Okay I'm done for now.