If Yesterday Was Never There and Tomorrow Never Comes Chapter 6
"I don't understand how you could possibly know what happened back then, Sammy. You were six months old," Dean points out.
Sam raises an eyebrow at him. "I remember everything, Dean; my whole life, everything that happened to us and I know what happened while I was gone."
Dean sits up a little straighter. "You remember where you were for the past four months?"
Sam nods back at him. "Yes I do. And what Cas told us about one day having to go back to the old house? He meant it."
"Sam, what are you talking about?" Dean wants to know. "This is messed up. Not long ago you didn't remember a damn thing. What changed?"
"I'm not sure. Just hearing about Dad; I think it kick started something."
"Okay, so why do we have to go back to the old house?" He asks.
"First I'll tell you what happened to me out in the woods and where I've been for four months."
"Okay, fine, where were you?"
"I was making my way back to the house," Sam says. "I don't know why I didn't just try to follow you but to me at the time it made sense for me to go there. I must have figured that you would guess fairly quickly to look for me there; it only took you four months though."
"Yeah well, stupid me for not thinking of it sooner."
"Anyways," Sam says. "I figured that if I went there, you'd find me. So along the way I gathered up whatever supplies I could find and then after a few months, I made it back to Lawrence."
"So you were at the house for at least two months?" Dean asks.
"Yeah, I think so," Sam tells him. "I guess part of me felt safe there. I'm not really sure but I was surviving well enough until one day I had a run in with a bunch of Walkers."
"Which is why we thought you'd been bitten," Dean replies. "You were messed up pretty bad. But what's this whole thing with Cas saying we'd have to go back there?"
"I remember a few things that Dad, Bobby and Ellen had talked about when they thought I wasn't listening. I'm sure that you heard some of it too," Sam tells him.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Dean replies. "You said that this all started with Mom?"
Sam nods back at his brother. "Yes, we always thought that Mom was killed just before the outbreak but Dean, she was killed because of it."
Fourteen year old Dean Winchester had gotten what he wanted and was tasked with guarding the one and only usable entrance to their sanctuary.
Turning his gaze to the back door his nerves flare up once again. If anything were to happen it would be his fault so he has to make sure that the door stays clear. Not that his weapon or his physical ability would be able to cause that much damage to anything that wanted to get into the house.
Not that he hadn’t been trying; his father made sure that Dean was well trained though of course there was still only so much that he could do, but he would like to think that he could take care of himself.
That damn scraping noise garnered his attention once more and a part of him wanted to check it out but he knew that he couldn’t leave his post so instead he reached into his pocket and produced his two way radio.
He could hear the faint crackling noise as he held the button down. He knew that his father was most likely still awake but he almost didn’t want him to get up and come downstairs, which might prove to him that Dean really wasn’t ready to take on this job.
Drawing in a deep breath he tucks the radio back into his pocket. He can do this, he knows that he can and quickly glancing down at his watch he realizes that there is only another two hours before either John or Bobby would take over watch and he could go and get some sleep.
Almost half an hour passes before Dean hears footsteps on the wooden floor behind him. He spins around and raises the gun and with terrified thoughts of what could have happened had he flinched, he stares back at his baby brother who stands in the doorway. He holds a water bottle in one hand while he sleepily wipes at his eyes with the other.
“Damn it, Sammy, what are you doing down here?” Dean cries out. “Dad will be pissed, you know that, right?”
Sam shakes his head. “I was thirsty and besides Uncle Bobby said that I could.”
Dean looks past where Sam stands and he can see the light on in the kitchen.
“Great, so not even Uncle Bobby trusts me to do this.”
Sam takes a step forward and holds out the water to Dean; he takes it and downs half the contents in one go.
“He does,” Sam tells him. “It’s just that he’s afraid.”
Dean hands the bottle back to Sam. “Yeah, he’s afraid that I’ll screw up and get us all killed.”
Sam’s eyes grow wide and Dean knows that he should have worded that differently.
“It’s okay, Sammy. It’s my job to protect you and nothing is going to happen to us.”
Sam seems to calm down a little and Dean tries to add to that with a hug but he could still tell that Sam was terrified.
“Dean…” Sam starts to say but he doesn’t get the chance to finish because a loud explosion rocks the house with enough force to cause both brothers to stumble.
Dean almost pushes Sam to one side and raises the shot gun towards the door. He can hear Bobby’s voice calling out to him and only moments later both Bobby and John are by his side, their own weapons in hand.
“One of those stupid sons of bitches got the mine,” John says. “Which means more will be on the way, god damn it.”
Dean swallows hard and stares up at his father. He knows that he’s trying to put on a brave face, be strong for his family but he also understands that he’s scared and he has every right to be.
“What’s going on?”
Dean looks over his shoulder and sees Ellen standing in the doorway; she’s carrying seven year old Jo who had woken up crying at the sounds from outside.
John turns to look at her. “Take the kids upstairs; do it now.”
Ellen angrily shakes her head. “No, if they’re here, I’m not damn well going upstairs.”
John glances down at his two young sons. he knows that he wouldn’t be able to deal with it if something happened to them because he’d already lost his wife and he wasn’t about to break his promise to her that he protect their boys.
“Ellen, just get them out of here; please.”
Ellen nods back at him and holds her hand out to Sam. “Come on. Dean, you too.”
Dean shakes his head. “No, I’m staying here.” He stands his ground and stares up at his father. “I’m not leaving.”
“Dean, you need to protect your brother,” Bobby points out. “Jo and Ellen too.”
Dean screws up his nose. He really wants to stay but he knows that Bobby has a point; he should let them deal with the chaos at the front door and go with Ellen to look after the two younger ones.
John hands him another box of bullets and then motions towards the kitchen door where Ellen is waiting for him.
“Dad…” Dean starts to say.
“It’s alright. I promise you that everything is going to be okay.”
Dean should have known better than to listen to his father. No matter how many times he had tried to reassure his oldest son that everything would be alright, they always ended up in the middle of a shit storm where at least one person they cared about was injured or worse than that, killed.
The last time it had happened, one of John’s old hunting buddies who just so happened to be Jo’s father had been killed. They had barricaded themselves in a store on Main Street but there were too many of those damn monsters and the only way they could get out of there was with a diversion.
Ellen had pleaded with her husband not to do it, but the way he saw it was that he was protecting his family, giving them a chance to escape, to live.
Dean had watched despite his father telling him to go with the others, and he saw the horror of William being torn to pieces by the monsters and that image had stayed with him ever since.
When they had finally managed to find a safe place, Ellen was inconsolable. Jo was barely six years old and didn’t really understand what had just occurred. All she knew was that her mother was in pain and she couldn’t do anything to change that.
At the new house they had found themselves in, they had come across a man named Richard and his fourteen year old son Ash. They had been living in the basement for the past several weeks, surviving on barely any food and little in the way of weapons.
John and Bobby were cautious about letting anyone else in, but Dean had heard Richard pleading with them to help, so John had agreed that they would do what they could.
So they had lived in that house for nearly a month when the first lot of monsters arrived. Several had tried to get inside and it had terrified Richard so much that he had taken Ash and a few supplies and had left. Dean hadn’t seen them since.
Now, though, Dean stands with his back pressed against the door, listening out for any sounds to tell him if his father and Bobby are okay.
Pressing his ear against the door he listens carefully, though he can’t really hear anything.
“Dean.”
Dean spins around and sees his baby brother standing at the bottom of the stairs.
“Sammy, what are you doing? Go back to Ellen.”
Sam folds his arms across his chest and stares back at Dean. “I don’t want to. I want to stay with you.”
Dean sighs heavily and leans against the door. “You can’t stay with me, Sammy. I have to concentrate and protect the door. You need to get back with Ellen and Jo.”
Sam sticks his tongue out at Dean and stomps back to the other room.
Dean waits a moment before he returns his attention back to the door. He’s sure that he can hear something now and he desperately wants to check it out but he knows that his father would never let him hear the end of it if he leaves the basement. He’s terrified that maybe some of those monsters had gotten into the house; Dean would have liked to think that he could protect them but he was having serious doubts about that.
His nerves get the better of him and he checks and rechecks that his gun is loaded properly. He’s about to repeat the task when the house is shaken by a particularly loud blast.
Dean fears the worst because that is what he knows is the most likely outcome.
A few moments later, Ellen, Sam and Jo appear at the bottom of the stairs.
Sam stares up at him with fear filling his eyes and Dean wants to say something but he isn’t sure that there are actual words that would comfort his younger brother right now.
“Dean, you can’t go out there,” Ellen warns him.
Dean sucks in a deep breath and shakes his head. “I know, but I have to.”
Ellen tries to plead with him but she knows that her words are falling on deaf ears; she knows that Dean won’t just stay there, not when his father and Bobby could be hurt.
She nods back at him and Dean nervously and cautiously unlocks the door and pulls it open.
When he steps out into the hallway, it’s dark and he can barely see even a few feet in front of him but he knows that he has to keep going. He needs to know where his father is; he needs to know that he’s alright.
Drawing in a deep breath, he walks into the main entrance and his eyes grow wide when he sees the front door and part of the wall have been destroyed, leaving them vulnerable to the horrors that await them outside.
“Dad!”
There is no answer and Dean can feel his heart skip a beat. He quickly makes his way into the other room and is shocked to see Bobby collapsed on the floor in front of the sofa. He rushes to this side and for a brief moment he fears that Bobby may be dead but when he suddenly sits up, eyes wide and his face bloodied and bruised, Dean helps him to stand up.
“Where’s my Dad?” Dean asks him.
Bobby stumbles and Dean has to grab his arm to stop him from falling over.
“I dunno, kid.”
“Bobby, what happened, where is my Dad?”
Bobby shakes his head and looks down at Dean. “I don’t know but we need to get the hell out of here.”
They both turn towards the door and Dean can feel his heart sink. This was it; this was what all of his training had been for. While earlier he had believed that he would be able to handle it, now that he was actually faced with the threat, he wasn’t sure that he was ready for it. He wasn’t ready for any of this.
“Dean, let’s go.”
He looks up at Bobby who possibly looks even more terrified than he does and Bobby slips his arm across Dean’s shoulder and the two begin to make their way towards the basement.
They have barely made it five feet when Dean hears it first, the low growl and the sound of dragged footsteps on the wooden floor.
He knows he shouldn’t have looked over his shoulder but he had, Bobby had tried to urge him to keep going, that they would be safer just getting out of there, but Dean still had no idea where his father was and he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave him to those monsters.
Bobby tries to grab him to stop him from doing something stupid but it’s too late for that. Dean steps away from him and raises his gun.
His hands are trembling and he can feel beads of sweat roll down his forehead but he knows that he has to do this; he has to prove it to himself and to his father that he can take care of them.
With a deep breath Dean presses his finger on the trigger and then watches in horror as the bullet hits the shoulder of the monster that is lurching towards him.
“Head, Dean, shoot the son of a bitch in the head! “Bobby screams at him.
Dean aims the gun again and presses the trigger. This time his shot hits the target and he watches as the monster falls to the ground.
Fourteen years old and he had succeeded in his first kill of a Walker.
Dean Winchester was in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse that had been his life for as long as he could remember and he didn’t know any other way.
"See, all of those things that they would talk about when they thought we weren't listening, it was about Mom," Sam says.
"What about her though?" Dean replies. "What didn't they want us to know?"
"Sam was right about that."
They both look up to see Cas standing there.
"What was that?" Dean asks. "Right about what?"
"He was right that this is about your mother," Cas says. "I told you a long time ago that you would need to go back to the house, to where you found Sam."
"Why?" Dean wants to know. "If you know then why won't you just tell us?"
"I will not tell you because you need to learn the truth for yourselves. This is not for me to say but for you to discover."
"Damn it, Cas, why do you have to do that?" Dean sighs.
"We have to go back there," Sam says. "How far away do you reckon it is?"
"Two hours," Dean tells him. "Fine, we'll leave first thing in the morning."
"Bobby, what the hell are you doing?"
Bobby appears a minute later carrying another bag. "What is your problem?"
"Can we get going already? I just want this over with."
Bobby climbs into the backseat with Cas and slams the door shut. Dean gets in and starts the engine then he pulls the car out onto the road and they make their way back to Lawrence and to where this apparently all started.
They had barely even been on the road for twenty minutes when they saw the first group of Walkers.
"You think they would have found us?"
Dean glances in the rear view mirror before looking over at his brother. "Yeah, I'd say so."
The rest of the drive is done in relative silence, Cas being the only one who really says anything and even then the others don’t really understand what he’s on about.
They see a few more Walkers along the way and Dean wishes he could kill the sons of bitches but they have more important things to do, at least right now.
An hour passes and Dean notices that the gas is getting very low. There's about another twenty minutes to go before they get there and he just hopes that they have enough to make it.
"Dean, watch out."
Dean looks back to the road and slams on the brakes just in time to avoid hitting a car that is parked in the middle of the road.
"You could have killed us," Sam says.
"Hardly," Dean replies. "Damn it."
"What is it now?"
Dean taps his finger on the dashboard. "Outta gas; we're gonna have to walk the rest of the way."
He manages to get the car to go a few more miles before it finally stops. They pile out of the car and grab their things before heading towards the house on foot.
"Damn, it's gonna take twice as long now to get there," Dean says. He turns to look at Cas. "Why did you have to go and lose most of your power? You could have had us there before we knew it."
"I am sorry that I cannot help you in that way," Cas replies.
"Yeah, whatever," Dean mumbles.
It takes nearly an hour before they finally arrive at the house. It had been less than a week since the last time they had been there and found Sam.
Dean still thought it was weird to be back there.
They make their way inside and dump their things onto the floor.
Sam and Dean head into the kitchen and sit down at the table.
"So, this is where our answers will be? Dean says. "I still don't get it."
"But you're the one who will remember, Dean; like you said I was only six months old," Sam points out. "This is about Mom; you have to remember."
"Sammy, I was only four" he replies. "How am I supposed to know what happened?"
"I will help you," Cas says as he walks into the room.
"About time you did that," Dean smirks at him.
Cas doesn't say anything; instead he just sits down at the table.
"So, how are you gonna help us?"
"Dean, can you tell your Daddy to come inside please."
Dean glances up from the floor where he's playing with his toy cars. He nods back at his mother and then gets up, running towards the door.
She can hear the door slam against the wall as he runs outside.
Dean knows that his father will be in the garage working on the car. He always talked about it to Dean, told him how the engine worked and how he would be able to drive it and fix it himself one day.
Dean pushes open the garage door and sees his Dad standing near the work bench.
"Dean, what's up buddy?"
"Mom wants you to come inside," Dean tells him.
"Is Sam awake yet?"
Dean shakes his head. "No, he's always sleeping."
John looks down at his son and gives him a smile. "That's okay, he's just a baby so he's allowed to."
"He's boring," Dean replies.
John laughs and shakes his head. "It's alright, one day he won't be and the two of you will be able to play with your cars together."
"Okay Dad," Dean says as he heads back to the house. "Mom wants you, Dad."
Dean goes back to playing with his toys and glances up for only a second when John walks into the house.
He can hear them talking but doesn't understand most of what they're saying. He does hear John telling her to go and lie down but he doesn't know why.
A few minutes later he can hear Sam crying from upstairs. He doesn't like it when Sam cries and sometimes he stops when Dean stands near the crib and talks to him.
He gets up and goes upstairs. Pushing open the door he steps into the room; the sun is pouring in through the window and he can see Sam wriggling about in the crib as he cries.
"Sammy."
Dean stands next to the crib and sticks his hand through the bars he grabbing his baby brother's hand.
"Sammy, don't cry."
A few minutes later Mary walks into the room. She smiles down at Dean and then leans over and picks Sam up.
"You're a good big brother, Dean," she tells him. "Always watching over him. You have to promise me that you will always do that."
"Okay, Mom," Dean tells her.
Mary carries Sam out of the room and Dean follows them down the hallway to the bedroom.
"Do you want to lie down for a while, Dean?" She asks him.
She sits down on the bed with Sam cradled in her arms and Dean climbs up beside her.
It isn't long before he falls asleep.
When Dean wakes up he's back in his own room. It's dark now and he's scared because he can't see anything and the door is closed.
He gets out of bed and runs to the door, pulling it open. Out in the hallway, he can hear his parents’ voices.
John sounds worried and is shouting at Mary to put Sam down.
He sneaks up to the doorway and pushes it open just enough to see into the room. Mary is in the corner with Sam in her arms. He can see from where he stands that there is something wrong with his Mom; she looks like she's been crying because her eyes are all red and there's something on her face but he doesn't know what it is.
He steps into the room a little further and John sees him there.
"Dean, get out of here; now. Go downstairs and stay there."
"Dad?"
"Dean, go downstairs and wait for me, I'll be there in a minute."
Dean is too afraid to move. He's staring at his Mom and she's scaring him. He doesn't understand what's wrong.
"Dean!"
He finally looks up at his Dad.
"Just do what I say; go downstairs."
Dean nods back at him and quickly backs up and pulls the door shut again.
He goes downstairs and hides behind the sofa. He's scared and just wants his Mom and Dad to be there.
He can hear their raised voices and what sounds like glass breaking. He goes to stand up but then crouches down further.
He squeezes his eyes shut and waits for it to be over. For his Dad to come and get him.
Dean doesn't know how much time has passed but he jumps when he hears a loud noise echo throughout the house. He'd heard that sound before; a few times his Dad had taken him out while he had shot some cans and bottles off of fence.
It was the sound of a gunshot.
He waits a little while longer and then he sees his Dad walk into the room and he's carrying Sam with him.
Dean climbs out from behind the sofa. "Where's Mom?"
John looks down at him and his cheeks are stained with tears. "Dean, your Mom wasn't feeling well and she had to go away for a while."
Dean looks up at him. He doesn't understand what's going on, he just knows that there was a loud noise and now his Mom wasn't there.
"Dean, we have to go, we can't stay here anymore."
“Wait, so Mom was infected?” Dean asks. “She was turned into one of those things?”
“Yes, she was.”
They both look up to see Bobby standing in the doorway.
“What are you talking about, Bobby? You knew about this?” Dean angrily replies.
“I knew about it,” Bobby tells them. “Your father made me promise that you wouldn’t ever find out what had happened to her.”
“He didn’t want us to know that she was infected?” Sam says. “Why would that matter?”
Bobby folds his arms across his chest and sucks in a deep breath. He had hoped that he wouldn’t ever have to do this but he was left with no choice.
“Your Mom wasn’t just infected with this virus,” Bobby explains. “She was the virus.”
Dean and Sam look at each other as they take in this piece of information, this vital piece that had been left out of the story for all these years. Neither one can really believe it.
“This world that you live in, the way you’ve had to live your lives and everything that has happened to you is because of her,” Bobby says. “She was the first one and it was her blood that caused the virus to spread.”
“What are you talking about?” Dean asks. “If she was the first and Dad killed her that night, then how the hell would the virus have spread?”
“She was the first and it hadn’t fully taken over her body when he pulled that trigger. No one knows how long it took for it to take control. He didn’t kill her that night. He got you boys out of there and when you went back, she was gone.”
Dean doesn’t know how to deal with this. His whole life he had believed that his mother had been tragically killed in an accident and now everything he thought he knew was being ripped away from him.
“What does this mean?” Sam asks. “Is it possible that she’s still out there somewhere? I mean I know that she’s not alive but she could be out there, right?”
“Sam, she’s not your mother anymore. I don’t want you getting your hopes up that maybe you can somehow save her,” Bobby replies. “But yeah there is a possibility that she’s out there somewhere.”
“Then we’re going to find her,” Dean announces. “Put an end to this once and for all.”
Ever since they had learned the truth about that night nearly twenty nine years ago, they had been determined that they were going to find their Mother and put an end to this.
Even if they did, they knew it wouldn't change anything but at least at it would be some sort of closure for them.
They had been to hell and back and neither one of them were ready to give up yet; there was a still a chance that they could survive this.
"Sammy, you almost ready to go?" Dean calls out.
Sam nods back at him and heads towards the car. Bobby and Cas are already waiting.
"You sure that you want to do this, Dean?" Sam asks him. "I mean all of it, going after her, we may never find her and we could get ourselves killed."
"I'm sure. We need to do this, and if it's the last thing we do, then so be it."
Dean closes the trunk of the car and steps up to the front gate.
"And you're sure about the house?" Sam asks. "’Cos we don't have to do this."
"Yeah, we kinda do have to. Dad didn't want us here for a reason. Now that we know what that is it's time to say goodbye."
Sam draws in a deep breath and nods at his brother. "Okay, do it."
Dean pulls out his gun and aims it for the front door which is sitting wide open. Inside a small bomb that they had made earlier that morning sits on the floor.
He aims the gun and pulls the trigger, hitting the bomb and a few seconds later the house goes up in flames.
It really was time to say goodbye to the past that they thought they knew, to the lives they had lost.
They have a new mission now and Dean understands that it very well could be the last thing he ever does.
But he has his brother by his side and he knows that as long as it stays that way, he's going to be alright.
That he knows he can trust.
Dean and Sam share a look as they say their final goodbyes to a life that they'll never have again.
"Let's get out of here," Bobby says. "We've got a lot of ground to cover ’cos this is gonna be like looking for a needle in a haystack."
Dean draws in a deep breath and looks at Sam. "What a life, huh?"
Sam shrugs his shoulders. "It's the only one I've ever known."
"Guess that makes me the lucky one then, right?" Dean replies. "Sorry about that."
"Who knows, maybe one day I will get to feel some of that," Sam says. "Maybe I'll get to have some memories of what it was like to live without Walkers."
Dean pats Sam on the back as they make their way to the car. "You never know, Sammy; stranger things have happened. Now let's go find Mom."
Epilogue