fuck
It's starting. I can feel it. And it scares me...
So far, my symptoms are: loss of appetite, overeating despite my lack of appetite, feeling empty, loss of interest in social interaction, self-isolation, lack of desire to practice (I have practiced for a week simply because I don't feel like it).
I'm not saying I'm like this all the time, but I'm scared anyway, so I'm finally admitting to myself that maybe I'm going downhill again. Maybe I'm cycling again. I mean, this is how I started the last time...
Why does this happen? I know that practicing is completely in my control, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I've stood in front of my locker or carried my stuff all around the conservatory looking for a practice space but it feels so meaningless! It's like I'm numb inside. At least I'm getting my other work done, right?
I know that if I tell my mom about this, she'll just tell me to up my lithium dose. And, as usual, I'll refuse. I mean, I don't want to take the fucking pills in the first place so why should I take more?
I feel like crap.
So far, my symptoms are: loss of appetite, overeating despite my lack of appetite, feeling empty, loss of interest in social interaction, self-isolation, lack of desire to practice (I have practiced for a week simply because I don't feel like it).
I'm not saying I'm like this all the time, but I'm scared anyway, so I'm finally admitting to myself that maybe I'm going downhill again. Maybe I'm cycling again. I mean, this is how I started the last time...
Why does this happen? I know that practicing is completely in my control, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I've stood in front of my locker or carried my stuff all around the conservatory looking for a practice space but it feels so meaningless! It's like I'm numb inside. At least I'm getting my other work done, right?
I know that if I tell my mom about this, she'll just tell me to up my lithium dose. And, as usual, I'll refuse. I mean, I don't want to take the fucking pills in the first place so why should I take more?
I feel like crap.