(no subject)
Lonliness is setting in. I feel like I should mind it, but right now, I think it's helping me focus. It's the kind that makes me want to turn inward and honestly look at myself. Something keeps turning over and over again in my head: what I think I am and what I really am. I don't know where to begin explaining it yet, or even if I will here...that sounds so silly, doesn't it?
Self-pity is creeping in, too, that self-indulgent feeling of alienation. Because, of course, I am the only person who endures these problems -- the uncertainty, the frustration (personally and professionally), the anger, the self-doubt. Some people muck about in it. Some others use it as some red badge of courage, as if to say their probelms are, in fact, unique, so what hope does someone so utterly ordinary have to comprehend them? I don't want to fit in either category.
I can't remember the last time I had a good, cathartic cry. Maybe that would clean out the storehouses. I tried to cry tonight, but nothing would come. Maybe because I'm feeling more peaceful now.
****
I went over to Dad's tonight. It was really nice. We had Chinese food and watched another episode of Band of Brothers (which I highly recommend). Spent a little time with my grandmother too, her and her old Westerns on Encore. She's watched Westerns for as long as I can remember.
****
Apparently the people who live above me suffered major hearing loss during this past week. I can tell you which X-Files episodes they watched over the weekend (which must have been taped or on DVD because I didn't hear any commercials). They're just finished watching American Justice. Would you say it's a problem when I can actually hear when the power to the TV snaps off?
Self-pity is creeping in, too, that self-indulgent feeling of alienation. Because, of course, I am the only person who endures these problems -- the uncertainty, the frustration (personally and professionally), the anger, the self-doubt. Some people muck about in it. Some others use it as some red badge of courage, as if to say their probelms are, in fact, unique, so what hope does someone so utterly ordinary have to comprehend them? I don't want to fit in either category.
I can't remember the last time I had a good, cathartic cry. Maybe that would clean out the storehouses. I tried to cry tonight, but nothing would come. Maybe because I'm feeling more peaceful now.
****
I went over to Dad's tonight. It was really nice. We had Chinese food and watched another episode of Band of Brothers (which I highly recommend). Spent a little time with my grandmother too, her and her old Westerns on Encore. She's watched Westerns for as long as I can remember.
****
Apparently the people who live above me suffered major hearing loss during this past week. I can tell you which X-Files episodes they watched over the weekend (which must have been taped or on DVD because I didn't hear any commercials). They're just finished watching American Justice. Would you say it's a problem when I can actually hear when the power to the TV snaps off?