Can't Say No
Sometime today I realized where I made that fatal wrong turn that I feel like I am paying for so heavily now.
I've always known that I wanted to be a helper. I wanted to help and fix everyone's wounded hearts but I didn't realize that because I gave so much to those people that they would stick around and end up being all that I had.
I gave everything to people that were too wounded to ever give anything back and now I feel like I've never been treated with real love or support. Starting with my Mom (who will celebrate her 65th year on Sunday) on down the line. People that needed so much support and love are never going to be able to give it back. Not unless that whole is repaired, which it hardly ever is.
This realization made me sigh with relief then want to cry that I have been left with one-sided relationships. I have spent many years feeling bad about myself because no one ever did anything particularly special for me. I have spent hundreds of dollars, millions of minutes on people; I've thrown parties, bought nice gifts, gone places that I didn't want to just to be the sidekick to someone else. Hours of cell phone minutes and burned gas from sitting in cars listening just can't be given back when I need someone on my side. And to realize that it was a seemingly harmless decision I made years ago.
I feel like I can never be sad, never have problems, never have an off day or vent about something because it will only be heard by tainted ears, ears that expect me to always be on the bright side. People who always expect that I will always be there to catch them when they trip but I can never mention that their shoes are untied.
I've hated being held up to this standard and now I know that it would never change. I need friends who are stable, or at least secure enough that their mistakes do not break them.
This started with me watching Scrubs again. I've found myself wishing that my social circle was more like the characters on the show. Those people were flawed, insecure, nervous, self righteous, goofy, and yet, successful. They were made fun of by their friends and let it roll off their backs; they made mistakes and hurt others but made their apologies and moved on. They did thoughtless and selfish things but were forgiven. They grew together and individually and no one held it against them. Where are these people in real life?
I kept bonds with people that needed me but I didn't do it so that I could be needed. I didn't and don't want to be needed. I am now asking for equality and fairness. I am asking for the ability to be flawed just like everyone else. I have a lot of flaws and it's not often that I get to be open about them. Or, well, have them. I have spent a ton of time trying to say and do the perfect thing and it has warped my brain to the point that during a conversation, I am only about 1/3 present- I'm mostly thinking of making the right face and saying the right thing as to not offend the sensitive and wounded. I don't even know what kind of friend I am anymore.
This isn't a healthy or happy way to live.
Aside from my Mom, some of these wounded people have fallen away and others may be repaired. In the future, I have to make the effort not to be an enabler and to nurture those that don't need it. It is nice to make everyone feel good but it's just not worth the destruction it will cause.
I've always known that I wanted to be a helper. I wanted to help and fix everyone's wounded hearts but I didn't realize that because I gave so much to those people that they would stick around and end up being all that I had.
I gave everything to people that were too wounded to ever give anything back and now I feel like I've never been treated with real love or support. Starting with my Mom (who will celebrate her 65th year on Sunday) on down the line. People that needed so much support and love are never going to be able to give it back. Not unless that whole is repaired, which it hardly ever is.
This realization made me sigh with relief then want to cry that I have been left with one-sided relationships. I have spent many years feeling bad about myself because no one ever did anything particularly special for me. I have spent hundreds of dollars, millions of minutes on people; I've thrown parties, bought nice gifts, gone places that I didn't want to just to be the sidekick to someone else. Hours of cell phone minutes and burned gas from sitting in cars listening just can't be given back when I need someone on my side. And to realize that it was a seemingly harmless decision I made years ago.
I feel like I can never be sad, never have problems, never have an off day or vent about something because it will only be heard by tainted ears, ears that expect me to always be on the bright side. People who always expect that I will always be there to catch them when they trip but I can never mention that their shoes are untied.
I've hated being held up to this standard and now I know that it would never change. I need friends who are stable, or at least secure enough that their mistakes do not break them.
This started with me watching Scrubs again. I've found myself wishing that my social circle was more like the characters on the show. Those people were flawed, insecure, nervous, self righteous, goofy, and yet, successful. They were made fun of by their friends and let it roll off their backs; they made mistakes and hurt others but made their apologies and moved on. They did thoughtless and selfish things but were forgiven. They grew together and individually and no one held it against them. Where are these people in real life?
I kept bonds with people that needed me but I didn't do it so that I could be needed. I didn't and don't want to be needed. I am now asking for equality and fairness. I am asking for the ability to be flawed just like everyone else. I have a lot of flaws and it's not often that I get to be open about them. Or, well, have them. I have spent a ton of time trying to say and do the perfect thing and it has warped my brain to the point that during a conversation, I am only about 1/3 present- I'm mostly thinking of making the right face and saying the right thing as to not offend the sensitive and wounded. I don't even know what kind of friend I am anymore.
This isn't a healthy or happy way to live.
Aside from my Mom, some of these wounded people have fallen away and others may be repaired. In the future, I have to make the effort not to be an enabler and to nurture those that don't need it. It is nice to make everyone feel good but it's just not worth the destruction it will cause.