Ghosts under rocks
"We don't choose who we fall in love with, but we do get to choose whether we continue in a relationship and make things work"
I hate it when people say "love is a choice". It is not. We have all, at some point or another, loved or been in love with someone that was bad for us and that we wished that we could relinquish. To say it is a choice is to say that my blackness was a decision that my embryonic self made. We are drawn to people for many different reasons but logic isn't ever one of them.
It seems like an excuse to say that and, ironically, I keep hearing it from people in bad relationships. If it is such a choice, why don't you pack it up and leave?
I think that love is one of few things, if not the only thing, that truly comes from the heart and has no connection to your brain whatsoever. I have fallen victim and would never claim that I had a choice in how I felt; I had a choice in what I did.
This leads me on to another topic that I've been wanting to write about for a while. A very deranged but insightful friend once said that ultimatums are useless; Ultimatums are decisions you make for yourself, not someone else.
I agree completely. I have always had a problem with drawing definitive lines and that's what ultimatums are; except that we are using them in reverse of the way that they should be used.
Think of it like this: your boss gives you an ultimatum by saying that you will be fired if you don't come to the next meeting. Your boss is saying to you what THEY will do if you don't make the preferred choice. They're not telling you that you CAN'T do that thing, they are simply making a statement of what THEY will do if you do.
These are the types of ultimatums that are used in romantic relationships. "If you cheat again, I will leave you" and "If you don't marry me, I will leave you". Don't these things sound like decisions that were made about the person stating them?
Since they are, they should be private choices. We use ultimatums as a way to try to get a desired action but, in fact, you are simply not keeping true on a promise you have supposedly made to yourself. That ultimatum will not guarantee that your employee will be at the meeting, nor will it make your SO marry you. It just means that when they don't, you have obligated yourself to a particular action.
I wish people would stop with this form of passive-aggressive control. It never works out the way they want it to and I am still angry that the movie "He's just not that into you" makes it seem like giving ultimatums is the way to get what you want.
I fimrly believe that being honest and not playing games is the only way to get what you want. Most people just don't have the patience to wait it out to get it.
I hate it when people say "love is a choice". It is not. We have all, at some point or another, loved or been in love with someone that was bad for us and that we wished that we could relinquish. To say it is a choice is to say that my blackness was a decision that my embryonic self made. We are drawn to people for many different reasons but logic isn't ever one of them.
It seems like an excuse to say that and, ironically, I keep hearing it from people in bad relationships. If it is such a choice, why don't you pack it up and leave?
I think that love is one of few things, if not the only thing, that truly comes from the heart and has no connection to your brain whatsoever. I have fallen victim and would never claim that I had a choice in how I felt; I had a choice in what I did.
This leads me on to another topic that I've been wanting to write about for a while. A very deranged but insightful friend once said that ultimatums are useless; Ultimatums are decisions you make for yourself, not someone else.
I agree completely. I have always had a problem with drawing definitive lines and that's what ultimatums are; except that we are using them in reverse of the way that they should be used.
Think of it like this: your boss gives you an ultimatum by saying that you will be fired if you don't come to the next meeting. Your boss is saying to you what THEY will do if you don't make the preferred choice. They're not telling you that you CAN'T do that thing, they are simply making a statement of what THEY will do if you do.
These are the types of ultimatums that are used in romantic relationships. "If you cheat again, I will leave you" and "If you don't marry me, I will leave you". Don't these things sound like decisions that were made about the person stating them?
Since they are, they should be private choices. We use ultimatums as a way to try to get a desired action but, in fact, you are simply not keeping true on a promise you have supposedly made to yourself. That ultimatum will not guarantee that your employee will be at the meeting, nor will it make your SO marry you. It just means that when they don't, you have obligated yourself to a particular action.
I wish people would stop with this form of passive-aggressive control. It never works out the way they want it to and I am still angry that the movie "He's just not that into you" makes it seem like giving ultimatums is the way to get what you want.
I fimrly believe that being honest and not playing games is the only way to get what you want. Most people just don't have the patience to wait it out to get it.